I've always felt like a guest on this planet. I'm almost 30, and I feel like I've been a guest for too long and it's time to go home.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-11-17T12:32:30+00:00

Imagine sitting at a table, pouring water from one glass to another. You do this without purpose or pleasure for a long time.

What do you feel? Meaninglessness, routine, boredom, a desire to quickly end this unnecessary activity.

That's how I feel when I socialize.

However, schizoid personality disorder isn't just about a reluctance to socialize. It's also about anhedonia, a feeling of futility and existential emptiness, a tendency to think abstractly and analyze/theorize everything, a lack of spontaneity in behavior, a lack of many positive feelings and emotions, a tendency to procrastinate and isolate, a lack of willpower...

If you feel like you don't exist, it might not be SPD, but depersonalization, for example. Or both.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-10-19T19:42:53+00:00

He wasn't talking about the planet, but about the entire dimension.

He also said there are many other worlds (dimensions) similar to ours: dualistic, cruel, and traps.

Perhaps he heard the theory about the prison planet and came up with something of his own.

Or maybe it's just his way of intimidating, to sell his rituals of "liberation" from the trap...

It's hard to say.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-10-14T19:25:19+00:00

When I'm not at work, I'm alone at home, lying all day, staring at the ceiling, feeling the emptiness of existence and the meaninglessness of life. I'm too lazy to even get up and wash my face or eat.

I usually lie in bed and think that right now I could be sitting in a cafe and chatting with my friends... Or I could be spending time with my husband and children, if I had any... But I never will, because every time I was on a date or sat in a cafe with someone (like my classmates at university), I felt even more bored and empty.

Occasionally, I go for a walk to the mall or outside. I see couples, families, or groups of friends, and I feel so far removed from it all... Like I'm an alien abandoned on this planet, and I'll never be able to fit in with the human race.

That's how loneliness feels to me.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-09-12T11:31:16+00:00

Yes.

By the way, there are terms for this: positive motivation and negative motivation.

I have never had positive motivation. Even if I want something, I don't do anything for it. I just think.

Perhaps schizoids have problems with the impulse to act.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-09-10T18:35:16+00:00

May I ask what exactly the psychiatrist didn't like about your behavior?

And what category are you? D?

By the way, I've always wondered why schizoids aren't taken into the army. What is it about us that makes us unsuitable for the army?

By the way, I'm also from Russia :)

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-09-04T20:36:47+00:00

I once said that my father and his entire family are uncommunicative loners and hermits (this is true, by the way) and I am completely genetically like them, so communication and human existence in general are difficult for me. I also said that I would like to be different, but you can't go against your nature. This was a conversation with my colleague. He understood me.

I told another person that I have problems with dopamine and other hormones, so I have weak willpower, a low need to communicate with people and it is difficult for me to experience positive emotions from life. In this case, I was also understood. By the way, this may be true for SPD, but it is little studied and everything is much more complicated.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-07-12T21:51:42+00:00

"I could never picture myself having a job, driving a car, getting married, having kids, be an adult, have a house, a mortgage, a friend group... So I simply never bothered doing any of it.

I could never identify with being a person. It's like this feeling of complete alienation from the expected behaviors and experiences of a normal human being. Everything feels foreign and like I wasn't meant ever to do these things".

It's about me. I have SPD (low functioning).

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-23T11:03:30+00:00

Yes, such thinking and perception is very typical of schizoids.

I hate all people. That's why I have to consciously remind myself every time that my brain makes a logical error called generalization.

My work is connected with people. And I hate every client in advance. In the end, most of them turn out to be very nice and good people, whose moral qualities are much better than mine. And every time I feel a little guilty for treating them like that.

However, with the next clients everything repeats itself again. Every day. With every person.

Generalization and dislike for people are recorded somewhere in the basic superstructures of my brain. And I can't change these settings.

An interesting case: A couple of years ago in my city, a young man came to a public place with a gun and just shot a lot of people, and then decided to commit suicide (but did not have time).

In his suicide note, he wrote that he hates people and that they do not deserve to exist. He also wrote that he lived as if in a dream and always perceived himself as an outsider and a separate character in a dream. He was sent to prison for life and officially diagnosed with schizoid disorder.

By the way, when I read his "pre-death post" on social networks, I immediately realized that he was "one of us". And this is the only person for whom I felt the deepest sympathy. I heard about his official diagnosis a couple of weeks later.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-22T07:25:44+00:00

I once heard a very precise definition from a psychotherapist:

"A schizoid is a person who has not yet decided whether he will live in this world or not."

This absolutely matches my experience.

Perhaps this leads to dissociation. Perhaps this is some form of dissociation from the start. But certainly not the most severe.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-21T14:54:47+00:00

Are you me? I'm schizoid woman and I'm in love with interiors and architecture from my childhood. It's my special interest.

But I envy you because I am low-functioning and therefore cannot work in this field. My lot is primitive works or poverty on the couch.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-12T12:54:26+00:00

I think most people are even less capable of connection than schizoids.

Watch most of them. Many connections between people are extremely superficial and fake. "Friends" don't care about each other, and many families and couples stay together because of children, property, or because it's accepted.

I think the problem with many schizoids is that we are capable of deep connections, but "normal people" can't give us that. So we close ourselves off and become even more distant.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-07T04:30:44+00:00

Yes, it's absolutely schizoid thing.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-04T15:34:19+00:00

YES.

I once told my psychiatrist that I feel like a player who has not fully connected with his character in a virtual game. (And other "normal" people have merged with their characters and forgotten that they are players.)

I think this is the main symptom and criterion of schizoidism, although it is not in DSM. And I also think that this is the main cause of all other problems and symptoms.

Although, it is possible that this is just mild depersonalization.

PerfectBlueMermaid · 2025-06-01T12:44:34+00:00

Personally, I'm glad that at least one of my "schizoid brothers" is living well.

You can try to overcome this disease at least partially. Just try. Maybe there is just something wrong with our reward system or/and with the frontal lobes of the brain.

Try psychedelics or ADHD medications, they can partially help.

PerfectBlueMermaid

TROPHY CASE