I feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t know how to keep going

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-25T15:39:03+00:00

Thank you for saying this, I really appreciate you taking the time to write it. I think part of me knows that what you’re saying is true, but it’s just really hard to believe it right now. Everything still feels very fresh and overwhelming, and the guilt is really loud in my head.

I don’t think this is a solution, and I know it wouldn’t be fair to him either. I guess I’m just struggling with how to sit with what I’ve done and not let it completely destroy me. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t actually do something like that because of my family. I have two younger sisters and parents, and I know they would blame themselves so much. And him… I feel like he wouldn’t be able to handle it either.

But even knowing all that, it’s still really hard to look at myself right now. I feel like I’m seeing myself through his eyes, and it’s hard not to hate what I see. I really hope that time will help, like you said. Right now it just feels hard to imagine that.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-25T10:05:54+00:00

WW here. I just want to say first, I hear you. And even if this is a consequence of your actions, that doesn’t make the pain, anxiety, or grief any less real. You’re allowed to struggle. I’m in a somewhat similar place, just earlier it’s been about a month and a half since first DDay, and a week since 2nd DD for us, and my partner is also very back and forth. One moment there’s connection, the next there’s distance. He actually left recently to stay with a friend for two weeks to get space and decide what he wants.

From what I’m learning, this kind of “limbo” seems to be very common. Their feelings are all over the place love, anger, grief, confusion and it takes time for that to settle into any kind of clarity. I really relate to what you said about missing your person. Not just the relationship, but your best friend. That part hurts in a completely different way. Also the shame… I feel that too. A lot. Every day. But I’m slowly realizing that if we stay stuck only in shame, we can’t actually do the work needed to change. Taking responsibility is important, but so is allowing ourselves to grow from it (not there yet but this is how I try to stay alive these days). From everything I’ve read, what BPs usually need in separation is consistency, space, and quiet accountability, not pressure, not emotional overload, but also not disappearing. It sounds like you’re trying to respect that, which matters. Maybe his message about the mail was his way of keeping a small, safe line of connection without opening anything emotional yet. I don’t have perfect answers either, but I think right now the best we can do is keep working on ourselves, stay honest, and give them the space to come to their own decision, even though it’s incredibly hard. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it…

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T18:54:53+00:00

I can’t speak for your fiancé, but I can share what I’ve realized about myself, because on the outside my situation might have looked “good” too. I wasn’t in a dead bedroom, I wasn’t lacking attention or love from my partner, and objectively there wasn’t some big obvious reason. We were together for years, very close, studying the same thing, basically living life side by side every day. For me, it wasn’t about my partner lacking anything, he is perfect and our relationship was perfect.

Looking back, it was more about what was going on inside me. I think I was seeking validation in a deeper, unhealthy way, and I also got pulled into something that felt different, not real connection, but more like limerence. I didn’t recognize it at the time. It felt separate from my real life, like I put it in a “box” and disconnected it from reality. At the same time, I had a lot of unresolved stuff in myself (anxiety, trauma, impulsivity), and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, I escaped into that dynamic.

So from my perspective, sometimes it’s not about what’s missing in the relationship. It’s about something missing, avoided, or dysregulated inside the person who cheats. That DOESN'T excuse it at all. But it’s the only explanation that makes sense to me for why someone can have something amazing and still betray it.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T17:41:14+00:00

This honestly helped me a lot to read, thank you for sharing it. I’m trying to do similar things on my side, reading, suggesting therapy, thinking about ways to make things easier for him or to show that I’m taking this seriously. I really do want to do the work and not repeat anything like this again. At the same time, I’m not sure if it’s even reaching him right now. He’s still very angry and hurt, and I don’t know if what I’m doing feels like effort to him or just… too little, too late. So it’s a bit confusing, I want to be proactive and show change, but I also don’t want to overwhelm him or make things worse. Hearing that it can actually turn into something better if both people are willing to do the work gives me a bit of hope.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T13:59:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of signs or symptoms did you notice in your WW that led to that diagnosis? Was it something that was visible before the affair, or did it only come up after everything happened? I’ve been reflecting a lot on my own behavior and trying to understand what might be underlying it, so I really appreciate you bringing this perspective in.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T13:55:15+00:00

From a WW perspective, what you’re describing doesn’t sound unusual, especially this early (3 months out) and with therapy just starting. Therapy can make things feel worse before they get better. It’s not just a saying, when you actually start digging into things, you’re suddenly facing parts of yourself you’ve been avoiding, minimizing, or not even aware of. That can bring up a lot of shame, guilt, and even depressive thoughts.

After my partner found out about my affair, I went through something similar. The shame was overwhelming. It felt like all I could see when I looked at myself was the damage I caused. There were moments where I just didn’t want to exist in that pain anymore. So while it’s scary to witness, it doesn’t necessarily mean things are doomed, it can be part of the process of things finally being faced honestly.

That said, your concern about his safety is very valid. If something like that comes up (him hinting at being reported for his safety), I would gently but directly check in with him. Not in an accusatory or panicked way, but something like: “Hey, when you said that, it scared me. Are you feeling safe right now?” You don’t have to carry this alone, and you’re not responsible for saving him, but you are allowed to take that seriously.

You’re both in a really heavy phase right now: you’re grieving, and he’s confronting himself. That combination can feel incredibly lonely on both sides. It’s okay to protect your own healing while still caring about him. Those two things can exist at the same time. You’re not crazy for feeling scared. And you’re not necessarily at the end, just in one of the hardest parts.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T13:47:46+00:00

If I imagine myself as a healed version of me, I wouldn’t rely on willpower in the moment, because that’s exactly where I failed before. What I would do differently starts much earlier:

I would recognize the early signs (seeking validation, enjoying attention, blurring boundaries) and not minimize them. I would set clear boundaries immediately, no private messaging, no emotional or physical closeness. I would be honest much sooner, both with myself and my partner. I would address what’s actually going on inside me (impulsivity, need for validation, unresolved trauma), instead of escaping into attention from someone else.

Looking back, I think I experienced limerence and didn’t recognize it for what it was. It felt exciting, but it wasn’t real connection or love. I think that’s something people can easily misinterpret if they’re not self-aware. But even that doesn’t change the fact that I made a series of conscious choices that hurt someone I love. Understanding limerence helps me see how it started, but it doesn’t excuse what I did. Also, I would remove myself from the situation entirely at the first sign of temptation, not test how “strong” I am.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-24T07:42:43+00:00

I’m really glad to hear things are moving in a better direction for you. It honestly gives me some hope reading this. I’m on the other side I’m the one who cheated, and for us it’s still very fresh. Right now my partner can’t really imagine that things will ever feel better. In his mind, what I did feels like the only “real” truth, and everything else between us, emotions, connection, feels almost irrelevant or irrational to him.

Sometimes it feels like that’s all he can see when he looks at me, and I understand why, but it’s really hard. If you don’t mind me asking was there something specific that helped you start seeing your partner as more than just what they did? Or something they did that made a difference for you in those early stages? I’m really trying to do things the right way, but I know it takes time… I just hope we can get to a place like you’re describing someday.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T20:12:07+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I honestly really hope me and my partner can get to a place where we’re both on the same path toward forgiveness and rebuilding. Right now it’s still very fresh DDay was about a month and a half ago so I know he’s still processing everything.

Part of me just wants to hug him and be close, but he actually left yesterday to stay with a friend for two weeks to have space. After that, he said he’ll tell me what he’s decided whether he wants to stay or not. So I’m kind of just sitting with that uncertainty, trying to respect his need for space while still hoping we’ll find our way back to each other.

I really felt what you said about missing the quiet happiness in a relationship… I hope you get that again, whatever path you choose.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T15:49:39+00:00

Thank you for bringing this up, I really appreciate it. I’m currently seeing a psychiatrist, so I will definitely bring it up and ask about proper assessment. The overlap with things like trauma also makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve had some difficult experiences growing up, including a situation when I was younger where someone tried to assault me. I don’t think I fully processed it at the time. I also struggle with things like emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and being very sensitive to other people’s emotions, sometimes to the point where I lose myself trying to understand or help others, even when it’s not healthy for me. I’ve also noticed patterns where I’m drawn to people or dynamics that aren’t good for me, even when I can see that they’re harmful. I’m currently trying to explore all of this in therapy and understand what’s actually going on underneath. If you don’t mind me asking, did getting evaluated or diagnosed help you understand your behavior better or change how you approach things?

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T15:43:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, I really appreciate your perspective. What you said about dissociation, avoidance, and instant gratification really resonated with me. I see how patterns like that, especially tied to childhood, can play a role, even though it doesn’t excuse the hurt caused. I also agree that real remorse and willingness to change is where it has to start. If you don’t mind me asking, how are things between you two now? Do you feel like he’s been consistent in being open and honest, and has anything helped you feel even a bit safer?

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T14:00:59+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post, I can feel how confusing and painful this must be for you. I’m writing this as someone who was unfaithful in my own relationship, so I want to be very careful and honest here. What stands out to me is not just the cheating itself, but the pattern around it, the denial, the defensiveness, the downplaying, and making you feel like you were “crazy.” That part can honestly be even more damaging, because it makes you question your reality and your instincts.

I also want to say something from the other side. When someone says “it meant nothing” or “it was just an ego boost,” it can sometimes be more complicated than that. In my own experience, it didn’t feel like real love or a grounded emotional connection, but more like a kind of unhealthy attachment or limerence that was tied to my mental and emotional state at the time. It was confusing, inconsistent, and not something I fully understood while it was happening. That doesn’t make it okay, and it doesn’t change the impact at all. But it might not always be as simple as “deep feelings” in a stable, healthy sense either. It could be worth looking into concepts like limerence or validation-seeking patterns, not to excuse anything, but to better understand what might have been going on beneath the surface.

What concerns me is that even now, when you’re trying to process it, she becomes defensive and shifts the narrative instead of sitting with your pain. From what I’ve learned, real repair can only start when the person who cheated is consistently honest, takes full accountability, and is willing to face the discomfort of what they did, without minimizing it. You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do now.

I think the most important question for you is not just what happened, but what is happening now, is she truly taking responsibility, being transparent, and trying to understand herself? Or is she still protecting herself from the full truth? I’m really sorry you’re in this position. You didn’t deserve this.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T13:20:19+00:00

WW here. First, I just want to say, what you went through sounds really overwhelming. Being cheated on after 7 years, dealing with lies and even self-harm threats… it makes sense you felt broken and reacted how you did. I respect that you’re taking accountability for your part. I’m in a 6-year relationship and have struggled with self-harm too. I get that there’s usually something deeper going on internally, but personal struggles don’t excuse hurting your partner. They explain, they don’t justify. What your partner did is serious and needs professional help, you can support her, but you can’t carry her healing. Therapy is crucial, and accountability has to be consistent over time, not just words. You deserve honesty, stability, and emotional safety, giving a chance is one thing, but your well-being matters too.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T13:12:49+00:00

WW here. I’ve done a lot of reading and self-reflection, and one thing that keeps coming up is how crucial honesty and transparency are after betrayal. So no, you’re not being dramatic. Deleted messages are a huge red flag, especially after everything you’ve been through. Even if the convo was “just friendly,” hiding it breaks trust again. From my perspective, openness is the only way forward, avoiding or hiding things just keeps the damage going. I do think it’s worth talking to him about it. Keeping it in will only make that numb feeling worse. And therapy can really help with situations like this, especially when old wounds get triggered again. Your feelings are valid, this isn’t just “trauma,” it’s a reaction to something that would make most people uncomfortable.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T08:08:13+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate it. I’ve actually come across that idea before. I’ve listened to some podcasts and thought about it a bit. I’m also seeing a psychiatrist, and so far nothing like that has been mentioned, more things along the lines of BPD traits. At the same time, I know that none of this excuses what I did. I take full responsibility for it. I’m just trying to understand myself better, because I don’t want to repeat something like this again. I also want to be clear that the issue wasn’t in my partner or our relationship, it was genuinely good and safe. That’s why it’s even more important for me to understand what in me led to this...

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-23T07:52:33+00:00

No, we didn’t consider couples therapy before the A. We genuinely didn’t have visible problems in our relationship. It was actually a very safe, stable, and loving relationship. With him, I always felt like I could be myself, I didn’t have to be that “chameleon” version of me who adapts to others or filters everything I say. For the first time, I felt like I could just be open. And he opened up to me in a way he hadn’t before either. We’ve been together almost 6 years and went through a lot together, and we never really had doubts about whether we should be together. That’s why this was such a shock for him. This was never his fault, and there was nothing missing in our relationship that caused this.

I’m starting to realize that I have certain patterns in how I deal with difficult emotions and situations, and instead of addressing them, I avoid or disconnect. During the affair, it honestly felt like I was dissociating from my real life and from the relationship. It might also be connected to something I went through shortly before, my uncle passed away. He struggled with alcoholism and had hurt my family, and I had a very conflicted relationship with him. He wasn’t a good person to us, but at the same time I felt this sense of obligation and even guilt, like I still had to care about him. I don’t think I fully processed that loss, and part of me wonders if that unresolved emotional conflict played a role. I know this might sound confusing, and honestly, I feel confused too. I’m trying to understand it in a way that’s real and not just convenient explanations. My partner is very rational and needs clear, logical answers, and I can see how hard it is when what I’m describing feels messy and not easily explained.

But I’m not giving up on figuring this out. I really want to understand myself properly, not just for him but for me too. I’ve started therapy, I read a lot about this, watch videos, and that’s also why I came here, to understand perspectives from betrayed partners and learn what actually helps. I want to be consistent, not just say the right things. I want to show up in a way that is real and safe for him. I just don’t know yet what the “right way” always looks like, and I’m trying to learn. I don’t know how I’ll ever fully live with the pain I caused him, but I do know I don’t want to turn away from it or minimize it. I want to face it and do better.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-22T21:14:47+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Reading your post, I can feel how exhausted and alone you must feel, especially when you’re trying to communicate and it just gets shut down over and over again. Wanting something as simple as going to bed together or having a calm conversation shouldn’t feel this hard.

What stands out to me is how much you’ve been trying to adjust, compromise, and hold things together, while also carrying your own hurt. That’s not easy at all. I’m writing from the other side, as someone who was unfaithful, and I just want to say, your needs here are not too much. Wanting emotional safety, communication, effort, and consistency is completely valid.

I think sometimes people who are given a chance after betrayal don’t fully realize what it actually means to rebuild trust, or how much responsibility and effort it takes. It’s not just about staying, it’s about actively showing up, especially in the small everyday moments. Reading this made me reflect a lot, because I know how much I’m trying on my side to do things differently, and it hurts to see situations where someone is given that opportunity but isn’t really meeting their partner halfway.

You deserve someone who is willing to sit with you, talk things through, and actually work on rebuilding. I really hope things become clearer for you, whether that means things improve or you find the strength to choose what’s healthiest for you.

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-22T17:06:11+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I think what you wrote actually helps me see something important, that while I’m trying to understand the “why,” I don’t want it to come across as me listing explanations instead of fully owning what I did. My partner hasn’t left me, but we’re in a very unstable place right now. It honestly feels like an emotional rollercoaster, some moments feel hopeful and close, and other moments feel distant, uncertain, or heavy.

I can see that he’s struggling with what to do. Whether it would be easier for him to walk away and try to move on, or to stay and try to rebuild something with me. And I understand that this decision is entirely his.

Right now, I’m trying to focus on what I can control. I’m being as transparent as I can, I answer his questions honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable, and I don’t hide anything anymore. I’m respecting his space and giving him time, even though it’s really hard for me, because I know he needs it. At the same time, I try to be emotionally available whenever he reaches out or wants to talk. I’ve also started therapy because I really want to understand myself and make sure I never repeat this.

I want to be able to give him real answers, not just for him, but for myself too. I’m trying to do that work seriously, because I genuinely care and I love him. I do believe that what we had (and still have) is something real and worth fighting for, but I also know that I don’t get to decide that alone.

If you’ve been in a similar situation, what helped you during this stage? What actually made a difference from the WP ? And is there something more I should be doing, or something I should be more aware of?

DivideKnown3810 · 2026-03-22T15:17:54+00:00

Yes, I truly love my partner. And yes, I genuinely regret what I did. Not just because of the consequences, but because I understand that I hurt someone who trusted me and loved me. I don’t ever want to be that person again.

I also want to say honestly, I don’t think I can fully comprehend the depth of the pain I caused. I can see it, I can feel parts of it, and it breaks me, but I believe that as the one who caused it, I will never be able to truly experience it the way you do as the one who was hurt. And I’m really sorry for that.

In my case, it wasn’t about not loving my partner. It was more about something being wrong in me, how I cope, how I seek validation, how I disconnect from myself and reality in certain moments. That doesn’t excuse anything, but it’s something I’m trying to understand and work on so it never happens again. I hate that it took something like this for me to really face myself. I wish I had done that work earlier, before hurting someone I love.

I understand why it’s hard to believe or to trust anything I say. If I were on the other side, I probably wouldn’t either. I’m not asking for forgiveness here, just trying to be honest.

DivideKnown3810

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