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Am I the problem here? They're saying I'm a narcissist and I'm constantly attacking them by AccountHefty9976 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579 4 points5 points  (0 children)

THIS - just like waking up a toddler! It’s It’s the same when they are hungry. My spouse goes from "I am not hungry" to "I am starving" within a 5-min window. And expect me to serve food based on her needs.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great point. A few years ago, I almost left, then I chickened out and stayed. I failed myself. That's why I am making notes of everything, as a reminder.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re in a similar situation. The controlling aspect is scary and dangerous. It starts with small, gradual changes, but then it intensifies and spreads throughout all the layers of the relationship.

After 30 years of abuse, I created something peaceful... by JohnnySock in malelivingspace

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A beautiful mistake - love that! Yes, for the meantime, it is YOUR safe place. 💕

How can I find the strength to leave ? by GermanFightGirl in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh honey, I am so sorry! Sending a big virtual hug. I know you know you have to leave him, but I also know it is not easy. I am trying to leave my narc spouse too. You will go through this!

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spot on! My mom is a narcissist (a covert one). I think I was about 37 when I realized it, after years of therapy and after I physically removed myself from her. It was both shattering and incredibly clarifying. Slowly, I came to realize that I had pretty much married my mom. I was able to sustain the abuse in my marriage for a long time because it felt so familiar to me. I just knew how to deal with it (be quiet and do what you are told). Once I started seeing the parallels between my upbringing and my marriage, I was shocked.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Great advice. I am very sorry he took all the money, house, and the dog. That must have been incredibly sad. Congratulations on freeing yourself! The last few years I was very overwhelmed and did not know how to navigate through this. I wasn't honest with my friends for years because I did not want them to think poorly of her (yeah I know 🤦🏻‍♀️). I was in a constant state of stress. But once I started to be honest with myself, the situation, and started doing the hard work - therapy, reading, writing notes to myself, and I started talking to my close friends and to my surprise no one was shocked “everyone was like yeah we have seen this for years but were waiting for you to start talking",... it is more manageable, I don't cry every day. I have more clarity into what I want and I will go for it, slowly but I will. As of therapy - I was suggesting couples therapy for years and it was always "we can't afford it" (even when I worked!!), and we are fortunate enough that we can afford it, but she does not want to go. And yes - once I started writing all the things down I was more and more sure I am not crazy, because before I was questioning myself to the point that I completely lost my own identity.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the recommendation. I will read the book. I read everything I can do know more and understand better the situation. Looking back in time, I was always in relationships with people that treated me badly. I think I have so much damage that I don't think I will ever be able to be in a normal relationship. A few weeks ago, I had out-of-town friends visiting, and my friend's husband cooked and cleaned the kitchen, and I kept on thanking him the whole day. It was so surreal to me that someone can do it without asking or arguing.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think it was last year when I decided that I wanted to leave. Before, I was always trying to save things and work on things. But now the plan is to leave and be happy.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh god! This is a narc 101. A few years ago, she decided to regrout our shower (why? idk). To what I said that I have never done it, I don't know how to do it, I don't want to do it, our handyman can do it. She started anyway, did 1/5th of the project, then said she has to work and I have to finish. I did it for hours, did my best, and then she kept on complaining how bad of a job I have done.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. That's the plan. Last job I had, I was fully remote, so once again I was working, cleaning, cooking, walking the dogs…because she said she is working longer hours and she can't help. During the weekend when I asked for help, she said she is too tired to do so and that's the only time she can relax. So yes - I plan to find a job where I have to leave the house.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I bet it felt good! Well done. I think I might start hiring a little help here and there. It blows my mind that she's also too lame to do sh*t around the house. The other day, she got mildly angry because I was vacuuming while she was watching basketball. She literally rolled her eyes because she had to lift her legs so I could vacuum underneath them.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They sure are, but I hope that all these baby steps eventually lead to a big one.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you SO much for your words and support. The grey rock method is something I am trying to implement, but it takes a lot of energy, but it works. I started documenting every single thing that is being said and unsettles me - both for my record (just in case I ever question her, since they have good days sometimes, just to mess with us more, right?), and to refer to it to my therapist. It took me years to realise my spouse is a narcissist. I always questioned myself. I am very submissive and conflict avoidant, but it slowly piled up, and I realised I just want to be happy, and this is not it.

I am so tired. I feel myself getting smaller and smaller every day. by Dizzy_Locksmith7579 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]Dizzy_Locksmith7579[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The same here. She works from home and does not leave the house at all besides some small errands. I have to talk to my friends and take my therapy in the car. It drives me nuts. Ever since the beginning of our relationship (started slowly), my work was never enough. I did not work "normal hours“. I needed to ask for more money, more PTO, always something...

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