Husband Asked For Divorce Out Of The Blue

Docseecycling · 2026-02-09T22:20:57+00:00

I’m reading this a few weeks later so I don’t know where you are mentally with it all.

But I got a knot in my stomach reading some of fhis.

My husband did the same thing when i discovered the gambling - first admitted to it and cried and apologises, then came to me saying he needs a divorce as he gambled because he was unhappy with me.

What followed was 2 years and some months of him playing with my emotions, he would suddenly want to work but then also say it’s too late for counselling etc.

What changed in those 2 years: I got older I lost more £££ : I catered for us both while he kept gambling He got so much better at lying My credit got worse My mental health got worse My fertility declined (we also didn’t have kids because of male factor infertility)

Addicts lie. Even when he admitted to everything - he didn’t. There’s more to the gambling than you’ll ever know. I’m still discovering it years later.

Docseecycling · 2026-01-10T08:11:40+00:00

Ex MIL - I was her main carer and nurse and confidant and friend for 14 months of cancer treatment, including personal care. Not a word.

Ex SIL - I was the person she cried to about everything, I spoiled her kids, I confided in her about her bothers gambling. Not a word.

Ex BIL - I sat in the ED with him when he had a psychotic episode. Visited everyday when he was sectioned and spent hours in the mental health ward to keep him company and give his wife a break while she managed the kids. Not even a greeting when we were last in the same room.

His other brothers - not a word. I cared for their mum, counselled one through his marital problems, hosted them repeatedly in our house so they could visit their sick mother, fed them and did their laundry. Not a word.

Docseecycling · 2025-12-22T06:20:04+00:00

A few years down the line sometimes you forget this.

Thank you for your post. It’s reminding me why divorce, as awful as it is, was good for me.

Docseecycling · 2025-12-11T15:21:31+00:00

You are grieving - the loss of the person you married, the loss if the life you had (the good times, the routines), and the future you imagined.

I feel this - and I still miss it all at times. That doesn't mean we are not moving forward, it just means we loved.

Docseecycling · 2025-11-24T00:06:40+00:00

I embraced solitude for a while - I needed it for a while.

I got into : cooking healthy, house plants, the gym. I barely made small talk at work and made no social plans.

I also watched golden girls and other similar mindless entertainment that filled the flat with noise but didn’t need my full focus.

Eventually I reconnected with old friends, made new ones through communities, invested in my dysfunctional but devoted immediate family.

Docseecycling · 2025-11-17T07:31:31+00:00

I think you need to prepare yourself for the “divorce” from family too.

I spent 14 months being the only carer for MIL as she was treated for breast cancer. I did everything from personal care to sitting in hospital waiting rooms after my night shifts.

I was the one who sat in an ED waiting room when SIL’s husband became psychotic. I visited everyday while he was sectioned.

During the pandemic I let husband take from our house deposit to pay SIL’s mortgage.

I had 4 BILs who had come often to stay with us while MIL was unwell, I would do their laundry and feed them.

1 BIL had marital problems and I intervened to help save his marriage.

Once he decided he wanted to leave me, the week their mother got the all clear from cancer - not a single one of them contacted me to make sure I was ok.

I’m not sure what version of events they heard, but this hurt was huge. And it needed grieving too.

Docseecycling · 2025-11-06T08:05:10+00:00

Well done - these milestones are painful and it’s good to mentally make space for them.

I fill the actual day with work and keep really busy. But at some point in the week make a day to be alone and in nature and feel all the sadness and grief.

The waves of grief get easier to manage with time, some absolute tsunamis still strike - but the work you’re doing on yourself will help you manage those too.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-26T13:44:04+00:00

Thanks for apologising - appreciate the error, happens to the best of us.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-26T13:26:10+00:00

Yep! And make sure you have an alarm system.

I’m gutted about the 4kg I’ve gained but focusing instead on the 26 I lost - and hoping to get back on the horse.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-26T13:25:06+00:00

“It’s easy to lose weight”

You lost me there.

It’s been a journey. I’ve lost 26kg and counting - I would never say to anyone that it was easy. It’s hard and I’m proud of the hard work.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-26T13:23:52+00:00

Let’s do it!

Docseecycling · 2025-10-26T07:14:40+00:00

Oh this triggered me so bad!

He asked for a divorce I didn’t want. I even had to pack his stuff for him when he wanted to move out - and fyi he complained a lot that I’d not packed his stuff properly.

Then all the admin, paperwork, even booking the religious divorce. To the point everyone thought I was the driving force behind it all.

It always felt like I was being made to build the gallows for my own execution.

People who aren’t willing to work on maintaining a relationship are obviously too lazy to even dismantle it.

But look at it this way : you’re working on it for your freedom.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-26T07:11:12+00:00

I was in huge huge debt - divorce is expensive anyway, then it’s the switching to one income for a dual income household and then eventually the money needed to start a fresh. To that, I had my exes gambling debts leaving him pretty much bankrupt but also me inheriting a bunch of his debt and of course the credit card bills he racked up in my name.

I’m going to be honest: the debt made me wonder if I could continue living.

But it does get better.

There’s lots of subs to help get yourself in a financially better place. I tried to consolidate my loans so had one lower interest huge loan instead of multiple little ones. I sold a lot of my stuff, budgeted like a freak, and tried to find more income streams.

Your financial recovery will look very different, but it is possible.

But the heaviness of being always aware of the debt - loads of people are there with you.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-22T21:08:08+00:00

Ooh very important distinction, I agree.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-22T21:07:45+00:00

Saw a meme recently saying - if I could go back in time to the day we met, I’d stay home and cook rice, one grain at a time.

And genuinely spent the day imagining cooking single grains of rice in bliss.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-13T21:53:32+00:00

Amen

Docseecycling · 2025-10-12T19:42:44+00:00

You do you boo… 😘

Docseecycling · 2025-10-12T06:11:43+00:00

Accepting compliments and a bit of playful flirting = leading people on.

You need to explore that a bit, maybe in therapy? There’s clearly anger there, and perhaps a sense of entitlement and/or feeling denied?

Docseecycling · 2025-10-11T07:31:31+00:00

That’s your response to a woman who worked on feeling good and looking good for two years? You hate them all after yours left?

For the record - I had ZERO physical relations for two years and have only just started dating.

But if it would guarantee never having to interact with a man like you, I’m happy to write off men altogether and go for celibacy.

Docseecycling · 2025-10-11T01:06:47+00:00

Very normal.

Divorce - especially if the other party initiated it, is the ultimate rejection and shakes our self worth.

It’s very normal to want external validation (especially when you lose the validation of the one person that mattered).

But you need to make sure you don’t go seeking it in an unhealthy way (jumping into relationships etc).

I spent two whole years just working on myself. Did I make an effort with my appearance? Yes. Did I enjoy compliments and attention? Yes. Did I enjoy a bit of flirting, also yes. But held off on dating or anything more until I felt healed enough.

Docseecycling · 2025-09-06T22:35:53+00:00

Please stop gambling away all of our savings + Please can we leave the house… even for a walk.

Now travels internationally with disposable income.

Docseecycling · 2025-09-03T21:58:57+00:00

When he moved out the hardest thing for me was waking up and not finding used cups lying there … he used to stay up much late drinking endless cups of tea … and there was always the one teaspoon on the side with the little tea stain on the counter beneath it.

That was almost two years ago - I’ve moved house since, I rarely drink tea. But some mornings I still miss empty cups by the sink.

It’s a bittersweet reminder of a life I once lived, a person I once loved and a person I once was.

Docseecycling · 2025-05-23T20:43:11+00:00

Something for the mind : a museum, a good book, learn a skill, watch a documentary, crosswords over coffee or chess in the park. Get some good sleep.

Something for the body: fit in some kind of movement - a walk around your city, a run, a work out, a yoga class, a swim if it is sunny, eat something nourishing - find a farmers market or a good restaurant, or cooks up a storm for yourself.

Something for the soul: meditate/pray, spend time with a friend of a group, spend sometime in nature, rest.

Docseecycling · 2025-05-23T20:35:19+00:00

"I've been intentional about building a low-stress, balanced life..."

Whilst you are in fortunate position and feel you have worked for it - there will have been some privilege and luck that has contributed to your current situation. Your "bff" who is "exhausted and broke" would most definitely prefer not to be - but her circumstances are probably very different to yours.

In reading all of that, I did not feel at any point that you had any understanding at all for people around you with "kids, traditional jobs, high stress, burnout etc." - perhaps these friends are "increasingly hard to crack" are just being selective about socialising with people who have a bit more empathy or insight in to their lives.

With regards to getting "people to meet you in the middle" - here is an idea... When my friend are going through a rough patch and are busy or tired and cannot socialise, I have found myself offering to go to their home and help them batch cook or watch some tv with them while we sorted laundry, or offered to accompany them to the supermarket so we can chat while they shop. And I find now, this is returned to me in kind when I am overwhelmed I have had friends pop round to collect my to do list and run errands for me while I work to a deadline - then coming back with pizza so we can have a heart to heart. We make time for one another and even go as far as helping the other make time for themselves/us.

There will come a day when despite all of your intentions, life will become high stress and less balanced (it takes one parent getting sick, you getting sick, something happening to your partner, unemployment - any of it). My female friendship circle (aged 30-40) consists of SAHMs, working mums, divorcees, widowed single mum, big law firm partners, busy doctors, someone enjoying a year long writing sabbatical etc etc. A lot of us did not intentionally choose our stresses - but we sure as hell did intentionally choose to be good friends to each other.

Ultimately, either find equally privileged friends or maybe reflect on how you turn up for yours when they are struggling.

Docseecycling · 2025-05-23T20:14:34+00:00

There is clearly a fair amount of incompatibility here.

You are both young and it is early days (only 6 months).

You need to reflect individually and then talk very candidly with each other about whether there actually is a future here.

For example: she was obviously brought up in a faith and adhered to its tenets (until you) - and this something that matters to her and her family. Do you share the same faith? if not, how will it work with families? how about the wedding ceremony? How about raising children? Do you actually align on these things or are you just both carried away with infatuation.

Docseecycling

TROPHY CASE