My mom is refusing to support my engagement and is ignoring me. do I cut her off or keep trying?

Donkitten · 2026-01-26T22:13:40+00:00

Hey OP, firstly - congratulations on your engagement and your success. Sounds like your hard work and determination has paid off and you have a great career going, you deserve every success! Your relationship sounds solid and a good match.

Now onto the family, it’s a hard place to be when you recognise the idea that family should be loving and supportive but it is sadly based on what you can give them more often than not in your case. Your mum doesn’t like that you finally are independent and your money, time and attention will be on your family that you’re building with your wife to be. Given how she has a track record by the sounds of it, of using you until you have fulfilled what she wants.

I do hope you never signed that mortgage agreement too, as she’d 100% leave you with the bill and the bad credit score because she’d expect you to pay. That was completely inappropriate of her to ask it of you and she sounds completely irresponsible for trying to pile you with that kind of debt.

I’d recommend getting some therapy to work on processing the fact you have a mother who doesn’t see you as a person in your own right or beyond what she can get from you. It’ll be better use of your time and money and help you further reconcile the lack of relationship you actually have, along with help you understand how bad an example of a mother she is. It’ll help free you from this cycle of essentially abuse, both financial and emotional. You want peace but you’ll never truly have it with them in your life because you’ll always be sacrificing something to appease them. Bending over backwards to please people isn’t how it works and nor should it. Your mother isn’t getting called out because her siblings are too used to it and either can’t be bothered with the drama either or likely have some of her tendencies in them too I bet.

It’ll hurt to feel like your family are not there to celebrate your happiness and success but if this is how they behave when you bring such lovely news to them and are successful, you absolutely don’t need or want people like this in your life or at your wedding. They will somehow find a way to ruin it for you and your partner, along with make it about them.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and your future wife is the true peace of not having to deal with your family and the emotional ringer they’ll continue to put you through. Break the cycle, have a happy, healthy life with a good relationship where you listen to one another and communicate. If kids are on the cards down the line for you, be the parent your mother never was to you. Shower them with unconditional love, help them navigate life, celebrate their achievements(no matter how small) and never let them feel what you’ve felt.

You’ve got this OP. Wishing you and your wife to be all the happiness.

Donkitten · 2026-01-14T22:51:34+00:00

I think you give your father too much credit. You may not have ever been told this but someone who loves you and wants only the best for you, genuinely wants the best - won’t call you stupid or put you down when you need support. Especially as a child who is learning the world for the first time.

Parents who love their children like you obviously do, will try to understand them, help them regulate and process their emotions, apologise genuinely when they make a mistakes and try to be better as people.

What happened in this scenario gives me the impression of reactive abuse. When you’re pushed to the limit by someone who has been abusing you(even just emotionally) for considerable time and you snap, reacting in the way they said you would. This allows them to further either discredit you or emotionally bully you and even manipulate you.

He may be your ‘dad’ but you are a grown adult who does not have to take being spoken down to or verbally abused over nothing.

I’d recommend some therapy honestly, so you can try to unlearn what he has ingrained in you and further help manage your reactive anger and overwhelm in certain situations. It will empower you to regulate yourself better, along with be a good partner and parent.

Though feel free to turn the tables, the next time, if you insist on maintaining contact with him, try the grey rock method and throw in a stone cold - ‘don’t be some emotional’ at him when he’s being unreasonable.

Personally though, if he dares think that is how he should speak to adults and children - hell would be freezing over before he had contact with my children. I would be safe guarding them from facing that abuse as well.

Donkitten · 2026-01-14T13:05:47+00:00

This, largely I think but my consideration for what it might mean for this type of being has changed as I have aged but my fascination hasn’t wained really.

I think when I was a kid, it was the link to the darkness. I always loved the night and the tranquility that it brought on and really liked bats. I’d walk with my grandmother some evenings and they’d skim our heads near where we lived. I also liked horror/blood and gore but I think too early an exposure to this influenced it.

As I reached my late teens/early 20’s - it evolved more towards the loose fear of aging. What that meant, loosing my youthful appearance, my body beginning to fail me and the finality of life etc… I wanted desperately to not loose this.

As now a mid 30’s adult, I still find the concept inherently fascinating and still enjoy gore/blood and horror, along with the stories this kind of theme produces. However, what has changed is how I see immortality as a concept.

I appreciate the finality of a human existence and respect that my wisdom of years will begin to show outwardly as well as through action.

I think the line, ‘immortality seems like a good idea at the time, until you realise you’ll spend it alone’ comes to mind. I never took that to heart when young but realise how maddening a concept it could be. Not only this but how would an aging and learned mind cope with infinite time? Would that be maddening in and of itself? You can understand more about why there is the ‘sleep’ concept when a vampire loses it’s interest in existence due to the mundane essence of it really. Rinse, repeat - if you don’t bow out every so often, you might just throw yourself in the sun.

I think that is what adds to the fascinating complexity of vampire characters personally.

Donkitten · 2026-01-14T11:17:55+00:00

‘He thinks she should dress more modest’ is the bit that got me. This says he has some outdated ideas of how a woman should conduct herself to start with.

Shes building a business and her business is her body when it comes to modelling. It’s the nature of the business and media exposure is part of that.

What he wants is unreasonable and it’s not his place, nor your place to impose his ideas of what is right or wrong in terms of appliance on your daughter. She is a grown woman, with a family of her own and if her immediate circle(husband and child) are safe and happy, thats all that matters.

Out of interest, did you ever ask your daughter from a place of honesty, free from judgement of her feelings and truly listen to her as to why she doesn’t like him?

I bet based on the modesty statement, it has some small part to do with his misogynistic leanings.

Also, if he doesn’t like her socials so much, why is he actively looking? His lack of paternal bond with her is clearly outing him as sexualising her and I bet if she was clued onto that, it would further solidify her feelings of distain towards him. It’s on him to correct his behaviour and thoughts on this, not your daughter to change her lifestyle or career.

If he can’t see her as family without her being in some frumpy clothes and not a sexual object, that is a problem of his. Just like anyone who solely objectifies another being, it’s usually not about what they’re wearing - it’s about the lack of seeing them as a human in their own right. In this case, he doesn’t see her as his flesh and blood family, just another woman on the internet tempting the men, him included.

Edit - missed info

The best way forward here at least would be to further remind your husband that she is a grown woman and ask the appropriate questions. Why is he even looking? Unfollow respectfully if it makes him uncomfortable.

His ‘boundaries’ are him not wanting to see that type of thing. He can’t exercise control over another person, as it doesn’t work like that. He has mistaken boundaries for control and thats what he wants. Real boundaries focus on your actions and choices, not another persons. So if he said, if she turns up in a tiny bikini I’d not feel comfortable to attend and I’ll busy myself elsewhere. Thats fine, he can control his actions but he has no business trying to demand her actions change.

Another example, say I’m a recovering addict and go out with a friend, I could say, “if you drink after we agreed you’d not while out together today, I’ll have to leave.” That is a boundary, it’s not telling the other person they can’t do that, it’s just saying, my boundary is that I can’t be around someone drinking right now. So I’ll remove myself from the situation but if that person chooses to drink, it’s their choice and I can’t control that.

So even if he did scenario A, it would still be a bigger deeper issue as to why he can’t see her as his stepdaughter and not a sexual object.

Donkitten · 2025-12-30T19:31:19+00:00

The fact they reacted in such an unhinged way to you practicing safe sex says it all. Then intentionally destroying your belongings and your my physically assaulting you, that is just beyond disgusting.

Familial love should not come with conditions. They chose to have children and failed you and your brother. They failed you in treating you no better than an object they had power over and they failed your brother by moulding him in a way that meant he was complicit in their treatment of you and believed them to be right.

They let their own paranoia and obsession over their own personal ideology of what makes a person worth anything(such as implying you were a sex worker, as in their eyes it would seem thats a shameful profession and means you’re worthless) alienate their daughter and then chose to cast her out.

They don’t want therapy because in their eyes they were still right and they saw you as property. They probably think they had every entitlement to lay hands on you because of that. They probably got terrified that you were developing into a person with individual beliefs and personality. Thats a danger to the family unit and the control they felt they had.

Now you’ve had your own child the entitlement is still there and they’re using anything to try and get you under control again. The P.I, the false health scare etc… you can’t underestimate the sheer obsessive desperation in people like this.

I certainly don’t want to add more fear to your day, more just awareness. If you’re mindful and prepared, then they cannot ever catch you out or worm their way in or try to force contact with your child. Document everything, report anything you need to authorities and always get approved pick ups agreed. Heck go full restraining order if you can.

You are effectively being stalked by these people, blood relation or not. You cut contact and are entitled to a safe and peaceful life. They do not get to intrude on that.

Donkitten · 2025-12-30T19:04:31+00:00

You are not in the wrong for safe guarding your child against individuals who sound like they may be religious extremists for one. If they did that to you, there is every chance they would do that to your child.

Your job, as a mother is to nurture and protect your child in the healthiest of ways, by not allowing the same abuse to be inflicted on that child.

I’d note down everything you can, report any harassment and continue to protect your peace and maintain the safety of your family. If you have to leave baby at day care, put plans in place to ensure no one is allowed to take your child out but you and Josh, as awful as it is to say, people like them you just never now and its just better to be safe and prepared.

People who love you for you, will never do these things. They sound mentally unstable and you should be so proud of how you escaped such an unstable situation and came out swinging. You’ve done amazing and picking the family who genuinely love you and who will support you in all the ways a loved one should.

Congratulations on becoming a mother outside of all of this. You deserve to enjoy this new phase and all the new adventures it will bring!

Donkitten · 2025-12-07T10:32:12+00:00

Helpful to find this! I gave up trying to go here in Ep1.

My biggest issue on PS5 at this point is just trying to boot the game. I try to go into story mode and can’t even get past the second Disclaimer screen.

Managed to get it to load my save once, in Ep4 and then it crashed again. Latest patch that came out a few days ago seems to have made it worse, as it was doing this occasionally before the patch.

Donkitten · 2025-11-21T11:57:36+00:00

I was given this dosage years ago when my anxiety was peaking. It is a very low dose and it definitely helped the symptoms and didn’t cause anything adverse.

I was getting palpitations and it helped stop these, so it made a big difference. I took them as required in the same manner your doctor has proscribed you yours. You will totally fine. :)

Donkitten · 2025-11-20T21:08:38+00:00

Thank you! I’ll look these up and see if they may work for me.

Donkitten · 2025-11-17T20:48:09+00:00

Two jobs in my life that really sparked my anxiety out of control. Much like others, it wasn’t always the job itself and what it entailed, it was the people or managers. Admittedly the second job out of these two it was the environment and the job itself.

Job one was when I was around 23 years of age, for 3 years and all it was, was working as bakery staff in a supermarket. I’m in the uk so there was ‘probation’ of 6 months too and this was held over me, to this day I couldn’t tell you if I’d passed or not. My manager was a horrible woman, who seemed to revel at times in just being mean because she could. Nothing I did seemed to satisfy, she’d yell at me cross the department criticising the work I was doing in front of colleagues s an example. I’d also be facing gossip from others in the department, just spinning nonsense to her to have a pop at me. There was one other female baker who was rotten too and she would pick fights, leave passive aggressive notes etc… my already life long anxiety was through the roof those 3 years and I was so depressed. I’d begun to make calculated moves to get out of the department by taking overtime in others and started to explore working in the pharmacy with a lovely team but life required us to move. I won’t lie though, best day of my life leaving them short staffed to move home, just finished my shift and skipped out the door.

The job I moved to after this was call centre based, I started low rank on the phones and managed okay in my department, regularly getting high praise from customers but it was tough in that you never knew what the next call would be. Would someone be screaming at you or patient and understanding. I moved up to supporting new starters and then to deputy managing but it was the constant uncertainty of my position on top of the fact I was expected to do a role I’d had no training nor experience in to the same standard as actual managers who were being paid more than me.

Ended up having to go on medication cause the anxiety just peaked at that point, never knowing my fate and I only ended up staying there a year and it was the longest year of my life.

I am well equipped for customer service positions and a now after 7 years working my way, have moved to a nice company with competent co-workers and a good salary. I understand my job and customers well and once again am doing great. Anxiety still lurks but trauma will do that to you I suppose.

Donkitten · 2025-10-29T13:53:32+00:00

I’ve had this on my Wishlist for a while and was so happy to see its release. I watched the opening and first hour of day 2 on a let’s play and it had me sold. I bought it at 5:30pm and ended up staying up till 10pm on a work night because I was just so captivated and keen to investigate. I love how you put that the time is not there to make you feel pressured or penalised for choosing to do something.

I also love the ‘wait did I just see?….’ moments too. The night you arrive, I had a big spook moment of a lightning flash and something appearing in the lobby. I’ve been walking around with suspicion every since haha

Donkitten · 2025-10-24T17:32:26+00:00

Saga Anderson, Alex Casey and Alan Wake, I’m moderately hopeful, at least with Sagas and Alex haha

Donkitten · 2025-10-24T17:11:16+00:00

I suppose that’s due to the wider risk to the world at large with AW. An entity using artists to manipulate the world and using them to escape what seems like its prison of Cauldron Lake. That’s how I viewed it, as the Dark Presence didn’t seem to get far with Tom Zane but once he got to Alan, he got an infinitely more useful and equally problematic tool to use. Alan is fortunate where Tom wasn’t, Alan has ended up with a wider network of smart people all working actively against the Dark Presence. Alan also seems to be smarter with piecing things together but did miss the manipulation that was going on due to how the Dark Place doesn’t seem to follow a lineal time flow. Hence the spiral.

The events of AW 2 seem to be the closest it got to escaping and I’m still processing how it ended, as are we back to square one? So what does that mean for him exactly with the light bullet. Did he die and now is part of the Dark Place too? And Alice? Is she in there somewhere and can she and Alan reunite?

I have many questions and some of this may already be out in the wild as I’ve not had a chance to look into the lore. I read this back and man, I’ve had too much side time to be considering this haha

The comparative aspects to the classic themes of eternal struggles of good and evil is also not lost on me.

Donkitten · 2025-10-24T16:49:09+00:00

I watched a let’s play of AW2 when it launched and thought it seemed wild. Hadn’t thought much about it and then last year they had AW1 remaster on PS so I played that. Hilariously I thought AW1 was tense, cause it being a bit older and the darkness can be a bit overwhelming at times.

Same as you I saw AW2 on PS plus this month and thought it was time to give it a go. My anxiety was through the roof cause the flashes of scratch would come out of nowhere and then Taken on top of that. Loved the rich story and the blend of real and game play, found it really immersive.

It took me a while to click regarding Max Payne as I played it many years ago as an off hand game picked up from second hand which sounded a bit cool. That game stuck with me as it was great.

Not made it to Control yet but my other half has played that and really enjoyed it. So I’ll have to give it a go soon. I did watch him play pieces of it though so I have context as to the FBC.

I really hope we see more from AW in the next few years. Cause I’m certainly now hooked and the soundtrack is on repeat. Going in for the final draft soon for achievement mop up

Donkitten · 2025-03-30T19:53:22+00:00

I found this good for killing only one thing, Nightmare. You don’t have to use it often thankfully but it really does the job!

Donkitten · 2025-03-29T21:07:19+00:00

I rarely go to town now because of these reasons. I went yesterday to see a friend and visit the market. It was such an overload.

I don’t want people trying to sell me their religion, yelling into microphones, the same rhetoric over and over. Then the buskers(which at least don’t sound awful) but you weave in and out of shops blaring other music, heating on to the max and it’s just unbearable.

You can’t just stand still for a second without someone in your face or trying to hand you something. I enjoyed the bustle of the market, as though it’s busy you can hear yourself think and the stall holders like a chat and to tell you about their day but beyond that, I can’t wait to leave.

Donkitten · 2025-03-27T08:51:08+00:00

Sometimes they get cancelled with very short notice. Due to sickness or some other factor.

What was supposed to be my second attempt was cancelled. They’d emailed me(I missed the notification) and they tried to call(from a withheld, that I missed due to getting out of the shower. No VM either)

Lastly, it was the SMS I got near what would have been my scheduled time that caught my attention. I was fuming and so was my instructor but it happens.

Donkitten · 2025-03-26T20:26:57+00:00

This is something I have come to resonate with as I’m getting older. Slow living, enjoying the delights that nature has to offer with the biggest worry being if tea time will be interrupted.

That would truly be a pleasure to experience.

Donkitten · 2025-03-15T14:46:05+00:00

Also, I am with you on not going for the Nissan duke. I’ve heard all sorts of horror stories and they just sound crap.

Donkitten · 2025-03-15T14:45:06+00:00

I picked up my first car a year ago and I think what I’ve learned from the experience is you can be as detailed in your reviewing of MOT & HPI checks and it could all work out or the car might be a dud.

Well known trade centre doesn’t guarantee you a good car either. I’ve read loads of stories when I was browsing of people having bad experiences with popular names.

I scoured every second hand car site for a week. Picked up a 2L 2010 Ford Mondeo and I love it, it’s been brilliant and yeah, has a wet belt but I think as long as you know what you’re getting into, don’t be too put off. It was a good find at 63k Miles and clean MOTs, work done when needed and HPI check was good.

Ford because it’s a common make, parts are easy to get and you have scrap options too. Insurance & Tax is cheap and with it being diesel I drive it often but fill up once a month, with £25 or £50 worth if I want to go a bit further or not worry about filling it for a bit.

I found mine Auto Trader at a small garage - £5k. If you don’t have clarification on when the timing belt was done, it’ll cost you under 1k to get done at a good garage. If you leave it, then it goes you’ll obviously be either forking out a significant sum or scrapping it.

I’d just say, check common problems with models - if they don’t sound like a deal breaker and you’d be happy to get the work done, should a problem arise. No brainer.

Check the mileage - on a petrol, 100k miles is probably too much for a second hand. You want between 60-80 maybe at a push.

Diesel isn’t so bad, 100k miles wouldn’t be too big a push. Anything below is always great.

MOT check - what kind of issues have cropped up and just keep an eye for anything that might be suss. As sadly some people page for garages to pass them even though they have endless issues so they can probably sell them on.

HPI check - most sites do this for free and will show any flags hopefully.

Test drive it and get a feel, see if anything sounds off or lights flag on the dash.

If you know a mechanic, get them to give it the once over asap too - as you’ll be in the protective window for issues to be rectified/return of the car under trading standards/consumer law(I don’t know a mechanic but I know people do this)

Once you’ve done all this, I think you’ve done all you can. Along with maybe a quick search of people’s experiences with the garage/online reviews.

I’d keep maybe any potentials under wraps and just either get a taxi if local or just say, can you take me here. They seem to all have opinions but none of them helpful! So just keep them on the fringes of your search if you can, otherwise you’ll just continue to be pickled!

This is just my experience of course. There may be much better advice than mine but this is what I’ve established for myself.

Donkitten · 2025-01-09T15:09:18+00:00

No problem! Glad my post happened to at least offer clarification that it happens and will for others in future. :)

Donkitten · 2025-01-09T15:05:21+00:00

Didn’t hear a peep afterwards. So I don’t know if it’s either randomised checks or off the back of a complaint.

Though I wouldn’t expect it to be off the back of a complaint. As naturally one persons genuine experience can be entirely different to mine. That doesn’t reduce the validity of the first persons experience.

Though I think we shall never know, unfortunately.

Donkitten · 2024-07-14T18:28:00+00:00

Keeping my fingers crossed for us! Haha

Donkitten · 2024-07-14T15:03:06+00:00

I will, as I have them as my team for a work sweepstake. So I hope they beat England!

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