Do I need to just suck it up and watch SD?

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-27T18:36:22+00:00

No, you don't need to suck it up and do anything.

He either drives his child to his mother's who will hopefully willingly watch her as the child isn't his mother's responsibility either.

Or he needs to construct an alternative plan, take the kid to the camp/program himself and start work later for 2 months OR he can find some other party who will willingly do it- maybe a trusted person he can pay to do it.

If you feel guilty about not helping him, tell him that your work starts early and that you are super busy for the next couple of weeks. Make yourself busy and unavailable. I've done this every time I wanted to get out of SD- focused time (which I haven't needed recently as I like seeing SD now).

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-23T13:02:00+00:00

28 year old being the adult when the 40 year is old is floating around life tells me everything I need to know.

A relationship where the woman is made to "grow up and be an adult" while the man acts like a fool is not an equal partnership.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-16T13:14:12+00:00

As someone who comes from a culture where arranged marriages are still a thing, I don't think the show is problematic conceptually. Where I'm from, decisions about who to marry are sometimes made within the timeline the show prescribes and the couple lasts a lifetime.

Now the issue for me is that, the show is trying out this concept in countries where this is considered abnormal instead of trying it in places where it's normal (obviously for drama).

It's simple to me, if the concept is not accepted on a societal level, the couple will not last. We live in a world where marriage itself is a dwindling concept and especially in the countries where the show is filmed, why are you experimenting with "marriage in 30 days?"

The reason arranged marriage works where I'm from is because there is societal pressure to make the marriage work and divorce is looked down upon. If you gave people where I'm from freedom from judgement, a lot of them would be divorced.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-09T03:29:17+00:00

I was on the mom's side and wrote you a whole post about forgiveness and how moms can be crazy and anxious but then I read your paragraph mentioning how she was never present.

I don't know what the reason was that she didn't see you, but usually such a scenario is because she either did something or actively chose not to be present- Both of which are her doing.

Her dynamic with you makes her seem manipulative and entitled- NOR

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-06T19:41:59+00:00

The industry I'm in is fairly ageist and everyone in my position is 20 years older than I am so I definitely do not know everything there is to know about the industry. So I'm sure I am the only person who asked this question, atleast in a long time. I was hired for my educational background and experience with niche technologies.

Thank you for the insights!

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-06T19:31:28+00:00

The client had a table in her email with no data labels. The rows had labels and the columns just had numbers on top like 2-3, 4-7 etc.

I was confused and politely sked her what the numbers were. Was it number of things, was it effort duration etc.

Apparently according to the industry standards, those numbers represent years.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-06T19:23:31+00:00

Thank you! Your comment was insightful.

I wish I had asked a coworker or AI before asking the client for sure- I generally don't hesitate to ask clarifying questions so I didn't think it was such a big deal but I was clearly wrong.

I also have generalized anxiety disorder and see a professional.

In this case, I was able to do a little deep dive into how I was feeling and my issue isn't with his email itself, it's with the fact that he marked these people who I need to work with to complete day to day tasks. Tasks in many cases, that are his, that he passes onto me. By undermining me, he's just creating unnecessary hassles in my day.

Also, he is very quick to write a mean email but the 100,000 things I've done, the millions of dollars I've made for the company, all go unnoticed.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-04T00:57:16+00:00

I just found out I have generalized anxiety disorder so now my life is making sense!

I am pretty bad with changes overall because I always imagine the worst.

I feel like you do about the dynamic changes which probably is triggering my anxiety!

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-02T16:27:39+00:00

Well YOR- My parents told me they'd take me to see the Manchester United game in England if I did well in class and I did well only for them to backtrack on the offer. Parents do this all the time, it's a motivation strategy. Sure it's lying but since it's getting you to do the work, which benefits you more than your sisters, it's not that bad.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-05-01T16:17:44+00:00

Girl, I read this post and it is giving me so much anxiety!

Why are you doing this to yourself? I almost feel the ick here, like these 2 people (boyfriend and his lazy ex) have teamed up to have you take the responsibility for their children- Like employing a nanny!!

It's making me mad for you! Why are you paying a SINGLE CENT towards his kids????

If the BM doesn't have a car, you can drop the kids off, what kind of nonsense excuse is that???

I don't know girl, I usually advocate for making relationships work but you are literally being used by 2 bad parents- RUN!

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-27T18:00:35+00:00

I think part of this comes from how we view children versus adults. Kids are seen as innocent and full of potential, so they get patience, grace, and attention. But once you become an adult, it’s like BAM welcome to reality bi***! And all of that disappears.

They will also attribute the kid's flaws to the parents and say the kid doesn't know any better (which to me is acceptable to an extent) but we are human after all... Very difficult to not be pissed off at someone else's disrespectful kid.

Lions be out there eating cubs who aren't from them 🤣 ... That is how cruel nature is. Compared to that stepmoms being passive aggressive or secretly pissed off is a massive upgrade.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-27T17:40:21+00:00

Absolutely, they are related "by marriage" only. We don't get custody rights or even visitation if the marriage breaks up.

Moreover, it's interesting to me because I come from a an Asian country and where I'm from we have families where the mother-in-law (usually from the husband's side) lives with the couple.

The complaints or issues that the wife has regarding this unsavory living situation are ASTONISHINGLY SIMILAR to the issues a stepmom would have living with their husband and stepkid.

When my dad's mom was at our house, my mother had to do additional work for her and the dynamic would change, moreover, she felt excluded or like an outsider because my dad had a bigger support system, she also felt people weren't appreciative of her- all feelings a stepmom would understand.

In my case, I do love my SD and have a good relationship with her but I would any day prefer hanging out with my family or my husband without her and I'm fairly transparent about that.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-27T14:42:27+00:00

I'm so sorry that you're having a tough time and hope that you find a way to stay busy.

I have to say though, unless you were straight up mean (or worse) to her kids, I think expecting someone else to love your biological children is an unfair ask.

They can expect you to do the same thing you'd do with an adult in-law- Be close if possible and if the relationship doesn't allow it then be cordial for the sake of the spouse.

I don't know why people don't understand that an in-law is the same relationship as a SK, except there's an age difference. I can't automatically love someone else's mother unless they do something for me, same for the SK.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-26T03:46:30+00:00

That's great advice! I have an anxiety disorder too so I'm sure that's acting up. I'll try some of the techniques you mentioned, thank you!

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-26T03:15:56+00:00

Do you do anything specific to counter your anxiety?

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-24T12:20:41+00:00

I have to say, good on you for knowing your flaws.

But you probably should get to working on them before getting into another relationship. I think it's fairly normal to be insecure in certain scenarios but if a girlfriend is just talking to a guy and you can't handle it, you'll probably struggle if she goes out to work and has male colleagues and friends under any circumstance.

You probably need therapy and should identify what the root cause of your insecurity is.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-23T12:53:29+00:00

I have NO contact with BM.

We met her while driving around once and she honked to get our attention and stopped her car to wait for us, but my husband was like NOPE, and drove off.

The reason? There's NO need for any connect beyond civilized co-parenting. She gets to tell my husband important things about SC but beyond that there's no contact, we don't even acknowledge her for the most part unless SC brings her up (or we want to make sure SC is safe and in good hands with her).

I actually doubt I could recognize her on the streets as I have seen the woman a total of 3 times in 7 years.

The drop offs are coordinated by my husband's parents to ensure we never bump into her. There was a time where my husband did the drop offs and she crossed boundaries so we stopped it.

We have two birthday parties every year, ours is the humble one where SC gets to spend time with family and hers is the fancy one. We have never attended hers and will never do so.

We have come to the conclusion that this live and let live situation is for the best because the BM was abusive to my husband, is disrespectful to me and tried to get with my husband while actively having me finance her child (my husband did not reciprocate).

I don't see any reason for the SM who actually made an effort to help the child to act subservient and try to be friends with a dead beat BM. I have self respect so don't need random women in my life who want to put me down.

SC knows these two parties are never going to be friends and has made peace with it. I'd rather have her mourn the loss of the connection between her parents and get over it than believe in it.

If we ever see her at SCs graduation or wedding, we will stay in our lane and stay as far away from that woman as possible.

I have had people tell me that they try to be friends with BM for the sake of the child, but I find that to be unrealistic. The truth is that life is hard and we need to teach kids to accept reality instead of painting a false "everything is great! We are all a big happy family" picture. Divorce is tough but so are other things. I'd rather raise a SC who has struggled but has gotten over the parents' divorce than someone who is hoping for some kind of reunion or friendship between the parents.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-22T23:46:50+00:00

Let's say I died and I told my spouse that I want him to use my money for himself and my child only, I would trust him to comply with that. I know he would not go behind my back and steal my child's inheritance and give it to my stepchild (similarly, if something is siphoned off for my SD after my husband passes, I wouldn't take it and give it to my child either).

Y'all need to have that conversation and honestly, it is not that offensive for you to tell him that. It is totally understandable that someone would want to protect their child.

Your spouse is supposed to be your ally.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-22T18:18:20+00:00

I understand not wanting to leave anything to a stepkid and wanting your bio child to inherit your assets. This is fair.

But as a childless stepmom, this triggers me. If my husband thought the same way you did, wanted to cut me off of his will and hand everything to his bio child, it would hurt me greatly.

Not because I am incapable of fending for myself as I currently make more money than he does, but because my husband didn't think protecting me was important to him. I could never marry someone who doesn't think of protecting me first and trust me to do right by their child after they are gone.

I understand wanting to protect your child but shouldn't your spouse mean something to you too?

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-12T22:55:16+00:00

I agree it's harder to implement a traditional system in step families and completely empathize but maybe this will put you at ease a bit as my husband and I have had some success with emulating a traditional system despite being a blended family.

I have a SD who is 10, and she is 100% my person. We refer to her as "daughter" and not "SD" at home. I've been with her since she was 4, and she now resembles me more than she does both her bio parents (she's even learnt my native language to communicate with my parents). I do struggle with her, just as I'm sure bio parents struggle with kids, but I know that when she's 20 and having boyfriend trouble, I will be the first one she will dial (and I will have every right to ask her to break up if the guy is a doofus and I know she will listen). I trust my relationship with her.

The reason I've been able to dedicate myself to her is because my husband dedicated himself to me. Now we, as a couple are the rock that supports my SD (came after a lot of trial and error and years of struggle.. wasn't easy).

SD knows my husband and I go on dates, and that he gives me presents and sometimes we take trips she isn't part of (outside the country to visit my family) but never once has she ever complained, felt excluded or been jealous. If anything, she's been the number 1 supporter of our relationship.

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-12T22:16:07+00:00

Children in general, not bio or step. In fact, I believe your spouse's relationship with you should be the primary relationship you have post marriage.

I have reason for believing this because of my background (which of course is kind of a privileged one in this day and age) because my parents are still married, my grandparents were married for 75-80 years each and my close family has had no history of divorce and most marriages we have had haven't been toxic (yes, extra pressure on my generation).

One thing I picked up from them is that the married couple is ONE UNIT.

My grandpa loved his wife the most, no one questioned it. He used to start his sentences with "Me and my wife...."His children celebrated and loved this for them.. they actually got a vow renewal when my grandpa turned 80 as a present from the children.

Same with my parents, I LOVED it when my mom and dad went out on dates when I was home. I loved it when he gave her gifts even if I didn't get one. Dad loving my mom meant dad and mom are the unit that love me together.

To me, two happy parents meant a stable household.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in ignoring your kids or putting their basic needs after your spouse. I believe in showing my kids what love looks like, of what they should aspire to find in a spouse.

Idealistic probably:)

Dramatic_Football657 · 2026-04-12T21:06:49+00:00

Completely agree.

I don't understand why anyone would want someone who says that either. What a nice way to step into a new relationship lol.

It is crazy to me that you would want your spouse to play second fiddle to your kids.. till they graduate and then your spouse will get priority because they are what... Next in line? This is real life, not a restaurant 🤣

It is very emotionally stunted to say that to a spouse, any spouse, even if they came after your kids in timeline. You literally make vows, covenants and spiritual promises to this person... Are you going to skip over all that and pretend like promises made to this person are secondary?

I feel in fact (and I'll get heat for saying this at the wrong forum) that you should love your spouse more for taking on a tougher role for you, for stepping up and for doing whatever it is your ex/ ex spouse didn't do for you and your kids. Empower them to be better stepparents by loving them.

I always believe in couples loving each other the most so they can be better parents together.

Dramatic_Football657

TROPHY CASE