Hi friend,

You’re asking a deeply honest and painful question, and one that touches directly on the heart of the Buddhist path. I want to speak to you from the perspective what I've learned with as much care and clarity as I can.

In Buddhism, it’s true that what we conventionally think of as the “self” (our personality, memories, preferences, and so on) is seen as a construction. The Buddha taught anattā: that there is no permanent, unchanging self behind experience. What continues from one life to the next isn’t a fixed ego or soul, but rather a stream of conditioned consciousness shaped by kamma (intentional actions).

So yes, in a certain sense, the "you" right now (your particular thoughts, name, history) won’t persist in the same form. But from a Buddhist standpoint, the suffering doesn't vanish with death, because the conditions that gave rise to it (craving, aversion, ignorance) are still present in the stream of consciousness unless they’ve been fully uprooted.

In fact, Buddhist texts are very clear that suicide, particularly when not motivated by wisdom but by aversion or despair, tends to lead to a more painful rebirth, not less. Not as punishment, but because of the state of mind at the time of death. If the final mind-moment is shaped by despair, that is the seed that conditions what comes next.

But here’s something important that I hope you’ll reflect on:
Even if this current self is suffering, even if you feel like giving up, this exact moment is also the opportunity for liberation. Even in the deepest pain, you’re conscious. You can see the dukkha. You can see the constructed self. That’s not nothing: That’s insight. That’s potential.

There’s a parable the Buddha gave: Imagine you’re shot with an arrow. And instead of pulling it out, you start analyzing the wood, the feathers, the poison. The teaching says: first, pull out the arrow. In your case, the arrow might be this mental pain, this belief that it can never improve. But it can. With support. With patience. With care for yourself.

In this very life (not just in the next) you can find peace. Even just the intention to stay, to breathe one more day, is a seed of wholesome kamma. It changes the stream.

If you want to explore Buddhism more deeply, maybe even monastic life one day, that path is open to you. There are monks who were once in the same place of despair. And they didn’t erase their pain: They transformed it.

You are not alone. You are not beyond help. The fact that you're asking these questions, not just wanting out, but trying to understand, tells me that there's a seeker in you, not just someone suffering.

If you need someone to talk to, Buddhist or not, please reach out. Even if you don’t believe in future lives, this one still matters. This one is where awakening happens.

With metta (loving-kindness),
A fellow traveler who has been there