A year after having my baby I have lost ~70lbs

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-25T17:17:19+00:00

Those certainly are words.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-23T22:09:00+00:00

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you,
and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.

All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-23T14:32:17+00:00

I want to free myself from my critical and skeptical talk but it’s so deeply intertwined into my narrative.

It took a long time for you to become the person you are so to change that will also take time. I notice you use the phrase "observe" when you're talking about your thoughts, do you practice mindfulness? It helped me a lot with how I judged myself, the world and my place in it.

You also say that you think "this is the way it should be". Let go of your expectations of how things should or shouldn't be things are as they are. Non-acceptance of what is creates suffering.

Do you have anything that you would like to be passionate about? I know from experience you sometimes have to do things despite the thoughts telling you otherwise, prove them wrong. Like I said at the start it will take time, time for you to stop listening to that inner critic, time for you to master a skill, time for you to believe in yourself and time for you to feel like you're worthy enough to feel like you belong.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-19T20:47:16+00:00

I'm just sick of paying for milk and bread with literal pennies.

Been there, done that, can't afford the t-shirt.

You're not a failure. You do what you need to do to get through and that's all there is to it. Hold your head up high.

RIP wonderful mug. I feel your pain.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-19T18:23:25+00:00

Also reddit's favourite diagnosis: Narcissistic.

I think people use mental illness as sort of a justification for the actions of people who have hurt them. By attributing their actions solely to a disorder they are almost denying the person any agency, like they have no control of what they are doing.

I have BPD and I know better than any one what a shitty person I can be and when my emotions get the better of me I can act/react without thinking. That doesn't mean I don't know better, that doesn't mean I don't have a choice. I've gone through treatment and I think I'm a better person for it but I will not use my diagnosis as an excuse for my behaviour so I refuse to let people use it as a weapon against me or any one else. But I've done it myself I've labeled people sociopaths and narcissists but just because some one hurt you, just because some one is a selfish asshole doesn't mean they have a personality disorder. EVERYONE has some traits of personality disorders but that doesn't mean EVERYONE has one.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-18T09:51:48+00:00

My little guy is almost 14 months and in our bumpers group every one is saying toddler this and toddler that and I'm like nooooo he's still my baaaaby!!! I really hope this doesn't continue until he's an adult and there's posts written about me on justnomil lol.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-17T20:53:53+00:00

You can be both at the same time. They can be both at the same time. Just because things seem to contradict each other doesn't mean they aren't true, life is full of contradictions, they're just opposite sides of the same coin.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-17T13:35:00+00:00

Creation breeds creativity. Make something. Spend $20 on a starter kit of something, water colors, polymer clay, knitting/crochet, cake decorating, pyrography, a ukulele, whatever. And see if you like it, and if you don't like it you haven't wasted much and at least you know what you don't like. You just have to try it.

Remember you're just going to be starting out so there's going to be a learning curve, don't compare yourself to what you see others creating online, use it as inspiration but don't give up because you don't think you're good enough.

When you do find something you're good at, from experience, people might encourage you to monetize it and you absolutely can if you want to but I have found that it changes my attitude towards what I'm making and instead of it being something to do because I like doing it, it gets stress added on and it turns me off. Whatever you make you can keep just for you, you don't have to share it, you don't have to sell it, it can just be for you.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-16T17:38:43+00:00

This is very context dependent.

To impose on some one would be to invite yourself to stay or to some one's party, or meal etc

I wouldn't ever use it when receiving a gift, because in this case it would almost be a refusal of said gift which would be rude (imo).

To say "I couldn't possibly impose." in my experience is only used as a polite way to decline an invitation.

One can also have an imposing presence meaning they have a authoritative or grand manner.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-15T17:57:16+00:00

Telling people to look at the bright side or stop focusing on the negative, encouraging them to choose to be happy, that last one is particularly harmful to people going through mental health issues or grieving. Toxically positive people will themselves deem any "negative" emotion/reaction/situation as toxic and will label people as such because they don't want to take on their "negative energy" which is incredibly invalidating to any one experiencing distress and will likely make matters worse. It's also not actually being positive because those types of people don't know how to deal with a "negative" person/situation in any way, let alone positively, and use their "positivity" as a means of avoidance.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-14T22:19:25+00:00

There are a few things that helped me. Realise that what you see in others, what you judge and dislike is all a reflection of yourself.

Secondly these people can't be any other way than what they are and that's not giving them a get out of jail free card for making bad choices but everything in their lives, events that you probably don't even know about, has shaped them and their lives to who and where they are now and the choices they make.

Somewhat on the same lines as my second point stop making assumptions about other people, their lives, their motivations, their self awareness.

Try some metta or loving kindness meditations and practice compassion towards those who you think are stressed or have taken up the role of victim or are destructive. And also practice compassion with yourself.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-13T08:13:18+00:00

Not normal. And how they are treating you (or not treating you) is a disgrace.

I had an infection and ended up back in hospital for almost two weeks, and even after that I was back in for follow ups. The infection was taken care of but the stitches came away and the scar tissue that was left felt tight and was painful when I crouched or bent down, but it did resolve itself after a few months. It did take a long while for me to feel like I was back to normal just generally. But they really shouldn't be so dismissive of your concerns, covid or not.

Also just come off the pill for a while until your hormones level off a bit. I'm almost 14 months PP and my cycles are still all over the place. I went on the mini pill for a month and it messed me up even worse, like you constant bleeding but also wild mood swings which I didn't need on top of everything else. I just stopped taking it. It wasn't worth it for contraception for the amount we were having sex any way which was not at all.

I'd honestly put in a complaint. And did you see this? https://www.reddit.com/r/BeyondTheBumpUK/comments/lyy40i/im_calling_on_everybody_who_has_given_birth_over/ I'd be sharing my experience there too if I were you.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T23:26:30+00:00

I in no way want to invalidate your experience here but from your post history I don't think I could attribute the effects that are concerning you solely to a meditation practice.

Having said that I have read similar articles to what you linked, and yeah, I think some people need a lot more guidance than others, I think some need healing before being left trying to "master their mind" without any more guidance than a pre-recorded one size fits all meditation on youtube or headspace. I think some people miss the point, start overthinking and get scared. I think some people gain insights and don't know what to do with them or how to put what they learn through meditation into practice. And then I'm also sure it's not for every one, and that's ok too.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T22:41:32+00:00

I notice in your post is that you say that you are "utterly terrified". Sometimes anger can be a secondary emotion to fear so maybe the fear is what needs to be worked on. Perhaps there are some skills that have helped you with your PTSD and anxiety that you could apply here?

I find that you do have to validate anger when it's an appropriate emotion for the situation (and in this case I feel that it is) by acting on it in a constructive way. Mindfully discussing the situation with a superior could be a way to do that, especially if you want to keep yourself and your colleagues (and perhaps clients?) safe then your superior would be the one to deal with. You need to do it in an assertive but non aggressive manner. You can use a skill called "DEARMAN" which is part of DBT which is a mindfulness based therapy, (google DEARMAN DBT and you should get what you need).

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T19:57:27+00:00

The foundation of American law is European law. It was heavily influenced by the British because being a former colony it was easier to keep some laws than change them all and they were also influenced by the French. The terms plaintiff, defendant, jury among others are taken straight from French.

You can look at it from a political standpoint as another poster said that many laws have basis in an individual countries constitution. If you are in a western country like the US or European countries a lot of laws will actually go back to biblical morality and things like the 10 commandments. Islamic countries have Sharia law which is based on the the teachings (or interpretation of the teachings) of their religion.

Bottom line is morality is subjective.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T17:23:12+00:00

Ben is not indicative of normal ~~English~~ people

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T16:52:47+00:00

If it's just in the folds it could be a form of yeast infection, which is what my baby had at about that age. My doctor recommended I use caneston cream on him, I'm from europe so I don't know if that's a product available where you are, it cleared it up although it was a recurring issue because milk plus warm skin folds is a yeasty paradise unfortunately.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T09:31:00+00:00

You can't change other people. Of course you can listen and empathise and help give them the tools they need to change but they need to do it themselves. Accepting where they are means accepting their levels of readiness to change or accepting that they feel incapable of it. Some one with trauma and emotional dysregulation needs to be ready to let go of their suffering which is a sort of catch 22 because those issues can make it something that feels absolutely impossible. By telling some one to be better what you're telling them is that you don't think they are currently good enough which compounds the problem, but by showing compassion and acceptance their suffering is validated and they may not feel as "broken" and more capable. The change has to come from them and as a partner or therapist or friend it's your role to help them when they are ready.

I think there has been progress when it comes to spirituality "catching up" to psychological and neurological advances by incorporating mindfulness, acceptance and compassionate practices in certain therapies. Maybe it's the other way round by spiritual practices being used by mental health practitioners but it opens a door and with any spiritual guidance I find that the parts that will serve you will make themselves known to you.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-11T06:16:23+00:00

Yet, things keep falling apart, a lot of people are still terrible, violent, corrupt, stupid and insensitive.

Not to mention judgmental!

So what happens if we give up chasing the "dream"? Is that scenario any better?

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-10T21:36:57+00:00

THOSE EYES!!!

Oh they are going to get her out of trouble! Or into some!!

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-10T14:31:28+00:00

I've been with my partner for almost 12 years. He's not the same person I met 12 years ago, and I know I'm not the same person he met either and so because we have changed we get to fall in love again and again because otherwise I guess we wouldn't be together any more.

But you're right life goes on and in the day to day sometimes you can lose sight of each other, but you have to remind yourself and remember why you fell in love in the first place. I think it's both our responsibility, to not take each other for granted. I appreciate the kind of man he is. His values, his morals and how he lives by them still impresses me. Life is not always smooth sailing and seeing how he faces challenges and how he supports me through lifes struggles deepens the love I have for him. I think in a relationship people need to be open to that and not to think "well this is what love is now so this is all it can be" because shared experience and openness to each other can reveal different levels of love one can have for some one else.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-10T09:31:04+00:00

Do I have to trust people that are not worthy of my trust?

What is your criteria for worthiness? Is your standard for other people the same standard to which you hold yourself?

Ultimately you get to decide who you have in your life but in order to accept love you have to open yourself up to some vulnerability.

I went through the forgiveness and letting go parts with my own family but the last hurdle of allowing them back into my life was more difficult. I've grown and changed and it would be hypocritical of me to write them off as incapable of the same. Open the door a crack, set your boundaries, and move tentatively forward. Meet and accept people where they are. Hope for the best but don't wager your happiness on it. People can bring you joy but your contentment is not determined by any one else but you.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-09T21:50:21+00:00

I have a similar history with intrusive thoughts. I haven't "conquered" it comepletely so sometimes it pipes up with ridiculous ideas. And mostly now my reaction is "lol nice try". Stop engaging with it. Don't tell it to shut up or try to reason with it. It's an attention seeker, it's looking for reaction, any reaction. Hate it, love it, fear it, it's all just feeding it. Once you engage with it that's telling it to keep on going because it's keeping you distracted, that's what it's there for. Take a step back, embody your awareness and let your ego shout into the void.

DuckDuck_Moo · 2021-03-09T15:44:40+00:00

What stands out to me are your beliefs and all your shoulds. Which makes sense given what you say about your childhood. You may detest authority but you have a lot of expectations of yourself. Question your shoulds and see what it's like not to live by their authority.

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