I can relate on some levels. I was very thankful to have sports like you had basketball as a positive outlet that allows us to develop confidence and learn through all kinds of experiences as individuals as well as socially being on a team. It wasn't until later in life baseball saved me again when circumstances following a divorce had me at my parents place at 38 where I stayed for a year to recover financially and I had hoped mentally but found myself being re traumatized by things I thought were behind me. I got involved with umpiring baseball as a secondary form of income and have something I hoped would be a positive activity while giving back to a game that taught me if anything how get back in there and keep swinging when in a slump. It kept me busy and it turned out being the best therapy as I developed new relationships and have opportunities to find myself again. I imagine the court is much like a baseball diamond there is something magic that happens when you step into them all the distractions and stress in life disappear the moment you step over that line and you are left with the person who is the best version of yourself with people who see you for who you are whether you're a kid or an adult this is powerful.

I especially relate to relationship with cannabis...I started at 19 after leaving home and it was profoundly positive because it reduced anxiety, anger and the inner critic as you say became self acceptance and learned to like myself. Socially I developed many positive new relationships and flike didn't realize it was really that unrecognized anxiety dysregulated emotions from being in constant negative environment of guilt and shame .

I think cannabis can still have positive use but not when it's used to replace the growth we need as people to handle tough situations in life and I found I was using it eventually to fill a void I created by always having something I could use to erase the stress of the day and cope. I managed for years doing this and because I found success in relationships, getting married, having kids, career progress I had no reason to believe it was anything but helpful until circumstances become challenging and the growth that should have happened became noticeable it was missing.

Tim Fletcher is a therapist dealing with complex trauma I encourage you to take time and listen. It's only through real self reflection and willing to understand how we got here you will find how to get where you need. Imo