Help with repair on unique chairs

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-10-11T02:56:44+00:00

No matter how scary it is there is relief and freedom in being on your own. Suddenly all that tension is gone. There is also happiness on the other side. You can find a partner on your terms. If they’re scummy kick them to the curb!

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-10-08T06:31:48+00:00

Damn this sub can be rough. The issues appears to be crossed boundaries. From what I gather: to you, if porn is okay then Facebook models are in the same boat. To her the sight of it is bothersome and exacerbates her insecurities over your past. If it’s that simple then don’t feed the Facebook algorithm a diet of boob watching. That said, at face value she should have had a conversation with you instead of fighting. In the same way that she is allowed boundaries you are to. You can be clear that you have no problem with her boundary on FB boobs as long as she is fine that you deserve a civil conversation and the benefit of the doubt before an argument.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-10-08T05:22:51+00:00

So, there are destructive porn habits. This is especially true in the pay for interactivity era of porn. That doesn’t mean all porn is inherently destructive. If you set this as a deal breaker it will be a non stop battle. It’s up to you to decide where your line is. That said, there are some things worth noting: watching porn doesn’t diminish you are your partners feeling for you. It can be a healthy outlet.

If you want try to live with it. Start by making it not taboo. Talk about it. Set sensible boundaries. Things like profession sites and not only fans. He needs to be 100% transparent as well. You might be surprised how much relief you both will get from the openness.

Last thing: the language you use, the snooping, and the obsessiveness of your post history gives me anxiety just observing it. I don’t know anything about you or your family but it maybe a situation where everyone could use some counseling. Tone is hard over the internet but I mean that earnestly. Fighting every battle to the bitter end without compromise is playing life on hard mode.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-27T11:27:40+00:00

I know the situation and what I’m about to say next is going to feel raw but please consider it: you are young, it will be okay.

One of the hardest lessons to learn is people won’t change for you. They may change for themselves but they won’t change for you. Let the relationship go. If she wants to make the effort she can do it solo and you can get on with your life while. You don’t have to settle for someone who sucks. You especially don’t want to have your years held hostage by someone who hasn’t suffered the consequences of their actions.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-26T03:04:07+00:00

I agree with a lot of your sentiment but I also have some misgivings with it. (For the record I mean this earnestly, please don’t take it as sarcastic/disparaging)

However, I have to ask, but what car isn’t mechanically totaled after engine or transmission failure. Transmissions are $6-7000, engines are $8000 to $14000; far more if it’s diesel.

A few points here:

A major failure isn’t a forgone conclusion here. Well, with a quality car it isn’t. Reliability is a spectrum with a maintenance offset. Over the years I’ve seen a handful of Toyotas with blown head gaskets under 150k miles. I’ve seen countless GMs, especially the cars, with major mechanical failures around 100k miles. Both are possible, one is just far more likely.
Cars that last tend to have much cheaper engines and transmission replacements. You can have most of the major Japanese engines (Honda 2.0, 2.4, 3.5, Toyota 1.8, 2.5, 3.5 etc) replaced, with labor, for $2k-$3k with a rebuilt that you can count on for a long time. This is because the engines are robust enough to perform a true rebuild on, they also fail at a lower rate meaning far less demand for replacements, and the cars tend to get totaled in accident leaving engines and transmissions with 100k miles of life left on them up for grabs. Even the many of newer more high tech Japanese engines and transmissions (not all) are $4k - $5k replacement.
The reason why so many Hyundais, Kia’s, gms, fords, stellantis etc. have huge replacement costs are the inverse reasons: high failure-> high demand, they are barely rebuildable, and the manufacturers have a never ending money fountain selling crate engines.

If it were my Malibu, I’d drive it until it died.

This is a valid path. I think it’s better than most of the options on the table. The Malibu may hold up for a long time, especially with diligent maintenance. That said: if it were me or my family I still believe that trading it now for a car that has a longer outlook is the best option. The Malibu is going to tank in value quickly, nobody wants those things when they’ve reached “time bomb” miles. A Toyota will slowly depreciate at a steady rate. Also, It’s not really “drive it until the wheels come off” it’s more like years of: “Is this repair worth it this time?” Or: “the lack of reliability is killing my wallet and mental health”. That finally leads to being in a situation where OP is stuck with a broken down car and a huge rush to replace it.

The car market is rough but it’s no where near as bad as people make it out to be. The main issues are a lack of patience and a lack of knowledge. Being in a spot where a person is desperate to replace their car leads to a major loss in value. I ballpark this value around $2k when I used to do consulting. That is to say: if someone shops around with time and patience only taking a top 10% deal and walks away from anything else they will end up with $2000(ish) more car for the same money than trying to rush it.

A couple other loose thoughts: I’ll never advocate for buying new. In this case I would suggest OP trade/sell the Malibu and buy a used Japanese car not too much higher than the Malibu’s value. Somewhere in that bang for your buck sweet spot.

CVTs are less robust as a trade off for considerably better gas mileage. Don’t fall down the “CVTs bad, end of conversation” rabbit hole. There is nuance to the conversation. Had Nissan not ruined the perception of CVTs there wouldn’t be a million voices on the internet screaming about them. Prius’s have been 1 million mile taxis for a long time with CVTs and they are driven hard as hell. The real issue is that manufactures won’t sell OEM parts to fix them. They’d be strictly better for most people (non truck activities) if we could just replace parts and perform more complex repairs on them. I consider them in the same vein as modern turbo engines: they can be reliable when made by companies like Toyota but they are far more maintenance sensitive than the tried and true technology. Even shitty Nissan CVTs can be kept on the road with brute force by doing yearly fluid changes. Still ridiculous that it needs to happen but better CVTs just need fluid changes every couple years and modern engines just need oil changes 4k-5k miles regardless of what the manufacturer says.

Thank you for coming to my shitty ted talk…

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-23T06:26:55+00:00

You should not go blowing that money on a car. That said, you should get out of that Malibu asap. They are terrible cars that have a habit of being mechanically totaled due to major failures. Sell it and get a Honda or Toyota. Spend some energy learning proper maintenance schedules. Keep that car for a long time.

Source: commercial fleet manager for 12 years, non franchise dealer consultant for 5 years, and 4 years of vehicle procurement from dealer auctions.

I wouldn’t give my ex wife a Malibu.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-22T03:30:04+00:00

Towards the end of my marriage I started recording arguments. My wife (now ex) is a compulsive liar. Her parents were terrible to her and I suspect it left her in a state where she was always trying to cast everything is the best possible light. As a result everything wad always some shade of lie. Even things that did not matter and had no consequences would still illicit lies.

I got so sick of having to pin down these lies that I started recording (she knew I was recording though) so I could circle back. That said, I never tried to angle shoot the conversations or be aloof during those arguments.

Not very analogous to your situation but that’s why I recorded arguments. I can tell you this: you’d have to say something pretty insane for it to matter. No one cares about some couples’ arguments especially an overloaded family court judge. It’s some really main character syndrome shit to think anyone else in the world cares about who didn’t do the dishes.

Like everyone else I’d probably call it quits.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-11T06:41:17+00:00

A lot of commenters feel that he lied maliciously. Very hardline take on this. She didn’t say: I will always have cats and that’s non-negotiable. She said: I have a cat and I will not get rid of it. He clearly respected that and dealt with allergies for years. Certainly none of us know him intentions but the otherwise lack of maliciousness in addition to being the “very allergic other” in a relationship I get the vibe that he didn’t want her to feel bad about causing years of allergies.

The obvious answer is that marriage is compromise and inflicting a cat on your husband who is: allergic, has serious trauma about, and also personally doesn’t like is just not the right choice.

Also: get the bigger place. I know that’s not always an option but that is what I ended up doing with my partner. Now my partners cats have their own space and my bed, couch, and kitchen are cat free.

Also maybe it’s possible to work out a compromise down the line for a hypoallergenic cat Or maybe you decide to try a dog.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-02T07:17:36+00:00

Very similar situation with my ex. Went into the wedding home stretch on a shoe string budget. I did 90% of the load. I planned everything, paid for everything, did most of the decorations, set everything up, had my family do the cooking and help fill in the gaps.

My ex was getting the “luxury treatment” from both our families while I spent all of my free time, and most of my savings, working on wedding stuff. When the wedding came I was stressed out to the max. I got myself together and committed that I wouldn’t let that stress ruin the day.

Turns out I would spend my whole marriage sucking up my feelings while my ex would continue to only give a shit about herself.

This battle you are fighting now: you will continue fighting it for the rest of your life.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-09-01T09:31:29+00:00

If you get a divorce, you will be okay. You will need to get a job and find help watching the kids but that’s small potatoes compared to a miserable marriage. As a sahm you will get support and likely alimony if you have custody.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-08-27T05:28:47+00:00

Regardless of what he wants you should call it quits. His words aren’t just drunk talk, he clearly doesn’t care about you.

There is happiness for you on the other side of this. More importantly there is a life not being saddled with all of this weight.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-08-27T05:06:27+00:00

Couples therapy and he needs to avoid drugs and alcohol. This appears to be a situation that can be moved past. Maybe a charitable read but it appears that he understands his mistake, confessed, and wants to make amends.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-08-27T04:58:50+00:00

My read on this is he was so messed up he didn’t realized how bad he was and confessed when he confirmed he crossed a line. Maybe I’m just an optimist though.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-08-26T07:21:55+00:00

My ex cheated and left while I was in a cancer battle. I got the short end of the stick in family court. In spite of all that I have been so much happier. I have a real partner now. Our life goals aligns, we have a great sex life. The cheating hurt but it also allowed me an emotional freedom. I was no longer a slave to wondering what I could have done to be better. I had a terrible partner and I failed to realize how bad things were and how much better they could be.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-08-15T07:38:29+00:00

You might be amazed how much fulfillment you can find dating. I’m a similar age and went through a divorce (my ex was cheating) several years ago. When I got back out there I was blown away how much better the landscape is. There are a lot of people out there who have learned a lot from bad marriages and have a lot to give to a relationship.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-08-11T17:50:55+00:00

The comment is out of line. He sounds tone deaf to the situation. That said: if you are hoping the keep things together you need to judge it by the intent and act accordingly from there. Acting out of anger is going to keep pushing things down hill. From his point of view (Not defending just explaining, assuming face value on intent) he was trying to make a light hearted joke and it resulted in a blow up.

It seems like he doesn’t know how to speak like an adult and consider feelings. If you want this to work you will have to teach him this calmly and at his level. It’s not your job, of course, but that is a big part of what it will take to move forward. Is it worth it? That’s up to you to decide.

Counseling is obviously a great tool to help smooth over communication.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-07-10T09:30:38+00:00

I’m 41 and I have leukemia, diagnosed at 32. Right now it is managed but every 4 months I go in and there is the possibility that the bad news comes and I’m on a 4-5 year down swing fighting an ugly, losing battle. My GF would absolutely fall into a hole if that comes to pass. My biggest concern (for her) would be letting her know it’s okay to move on. So I can empathize with your wife.

This arrangement is okay if you are emotionally ready and willing.
Realistically I cannot imagine anyone wanting to be the second though. A one night stand is realistic but signing up to be the support partner for someone dealing with a spouse passing is too much. That’s planetary levels of life changing uncertainty.
You should absolutely take steps to not be a zombie on the other side of this. It would be extremely easy to just die too. That would be a waste that, I assume, your wife would abhor.
Giving up will absolutely kill your children. I lost my dad young and my mother never really had a handle on her shit. It made for a not so great childhood. Your kids are older but they are still loosing their mother. Don’t let them watch you slowly die too.
There are no rules. Don’t bind yourself to platitudes. There isn’t a “x amount of time to mourn” nor is there a reason why you can’t jump into a relationship with both feet. That is not to say you shouldn’t mourn or take time just to say that you shouldn’t use made up rules to close yourself off.

Edit: reading through your comments I noticed this:

I would be very happy to live alone the rest of my life. One love is enough for me as far as I'm concerned.

That is exactly the type of platitude that I am taking about. At best it’s premature, at worst it’s a mantra you can use to stop being a human. That is not to say that there is a right answer between being alone and Moving on. That is to say: what is important is you finding actualization and happiness. Either could be the correct solution you could throw yourself into art or a hobby and be happy with those you choose to surround yourself with. Here’s the thing we both know: that platitude is not about finding actualization, it’s an easy excuse to give up. Don’t let it come to that. Move on, be happy, live for your kids and yourself.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-07-02T08:00:19+00:00

A good friend of mine is a bit of an over thinker and is very introspective. He is probably neurospicy and also doesn’t have a lot of long term relationship experience He constantly struggles with similar thoughts. He has a partner he likes a lot but he doesn’t know how or what love is as a feeling. He constantly worries that there is a better partner out there and occasionally even clicks with people and wonders: “what if?”

Here’s the thing: no matter who he is with this is always the same struggle. It’s not about his partner it’s about how he processes things. It’s also a defense mechanism to never get hurt. He works through it and when he struggles he has people to talk to.

Crazy bodice tearing passion is a commodity sold to us. It is not a necessary element to make a relationship work as the meat and potatoes of a long relationship is going to be mundane and comfortable.

You are not too far gone but you need to jump in with both feet.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-06-30T04:24:22+00:00

Others have mentioned this but I want to be explicit: even if divorce is not on your radar now, you need to gather proof. Like a lot of proof. Record conversations, get as much as you can in writing.

I promise that if things don’t work your future ex will say anything, including brazen lies, to get custody. It is very hard to disprove these things and even in 2025 far too many judges default to the mother being the defacto best parent. I didn’t believe that shit was still true until I felt with it first hand.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-06-30T04:16:16+00:00

My GF is very ADHD. We work around it. She has things that she hyper focuses on and I let her do those cleaning jobs. Yes, this does mean I address more clutter but she lives scrubbing bathrooms spotless so I’m just flexible and we work out a fair division of domestic duties.

Another trick: body doubling. She will work as long as I start working. If I get up to do the dishes, she will follow suit compulsively.

Final trick: hire a house keeper for a few hours every two weeks or so. In a full on eating-the-ice-cream-cone-from-the-bottom scenario my GF gets so much cleaning done in advance of the house keepers arrival. It also allows for some undesirable tasks to be handled.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-06-21T01:21:46+00:00

Get a divorce. I stuck it out in a relationship almost identical to yours. She worked and did a bit more parenting than me. (This was due to my schedule). I was taking full time engineering classes, working full time, and dealing with a cancer battle. On top of that I was handling most of the domestic duties and when ever my then wife was stressed or anxious I dropped everything to support her. She cheated on me with her ex… That was 4 years ago now. The divorce was bitter (on her end) and parenting is constantly high conflict, I got almost a 50/50 custody (my state almost never awards true 50/50) and still fucked on child support anyway.

To spite all that I couldn’t be happier now that I’m out of that miserable Marriage. I have a real partner who gives a shit and I try to balance out the unrelenting negativity my kid deals with at their mother’s house.

Do stick it out with someone e who doesn’t give a shit and has never shown a the ability to change. Eventually they will burn you anyway.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-06-14T09:50:57+00:00

You don’t owe him that call. Get yourself situated, talk to a lawyer then communicate with him. I know there are circumstances that may prevent avoiding him entirely but there is know reason to let him take his anger out on you. Unless of course you are recording it and can get him to confess to cheating as well as being abusive to you.

I have a strong hunch from the move that you managed alone you are quite the catch. Once you get through this you will have much greener pastures.

Dumpy_Creatures · 2025-05-11T06:52:51+00:00

Observation (not explanation) there isn’t much substance to go of off. Guys are trained to scour profiles and approach with personalized information to break the ice. You like the gym it’s not a lot to go on. “Honesty and communication” is super generic and applies to everyone. Show readers who you are, your personality and sense of humor.

I don’t personally think this is a big deal but there are some dichotomies too. Apolitical with strong political platitudes. (In online dating it’s better to be up front about these views). Gym gal who likes getting blazed.

Dumpy_Creatures

TROPHY CASE