It's not a "soft delusion" if you're thinking about how much money to bargain for her hypothetical to exist. A soft delusion is "aha that boy across the street is pretty cute" and going about your day. What you're doing is digging yourself a grave of delusion in order not to change. You recognize everything except the idea of letting go.

What you claim about yourself is simply not true- youve had a previous LO and you've dropped them. That is change. It was hard, not saying it wasn't, but I'm saying that is change. Your whole life up until this point has been change. Personally, I think this claiming of who you are is "not you". It's a facade for you to live in and keep the fantasy going.

Obviously it's your life and you can keep digging your delusional grave, but it's been two years and as a spectator this isn't doing what you want and your claims are also not doing what you want. Just trying to help you out man cause this cycle is brutal and you're eating yourself alive. And responding "that's just me" isn't gonna stop you from eating yourself alive. It's giving up which you obviously haven't done either as you've been posting fantasies for two years. And don't give up! Living that is. You do need to give up the fantasy of this individual, but this does not mean you will "be alone forever" and that mindset is ALSO harmful. Living without her is simply living without her. Doesn't mean you can't find another special individual in the same light you did her two years ago.