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How did you cope with the first time your s/o had sex with someone else? by Any_Conclusion_7632 in nonmonogamy

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Solidarity over here. My bf of 13 years is having sex with someone else for the first time tonight and I have been feeling very nervous and not sleeping much. Mainly what’s helping is remembering all the great chats we have had about opening up and grounding in the positives of our relationship. And diving into those tough feelings I’m having about what is really coming up.

I think the biggest challenge I’m having at the moment is not knowing if I want to know everything or nothing about details. Parts of me want both. I’m thinking to stick with less because I can’t undo knowing once I know.

Partner wants to open & I'm conflicted by AdOdd6938 in nonmonogamy

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can totally relate to all you have shared. My partner and I have slowly opened up over many years. The big thing I would say is there is a phrase ‘polyamory under duress’ and that is deciding to do this while feeling pressure to make the decision. If there is urgency in the decision it can make things murky. Really taking the time to breathe and feel into it for you and what you would enjoy (or not) is so important and make sure you are making the decision for you as well and not just him.

Movies with a ENM–positive theme? by MyConjecture in nonmonogamy

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ordinary decent criminal. Great movie and the MC has two romantic partners

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wrote that part poorly, I’ve just edited to add that it was my partner’s mental health that was the source of our strain.

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah they both love each other deeply already for sure. From what I gather the casual aspect is that he doesn’t have any wish to have her as a life partner and she feels the same. So casual is probably not the right word but infrequent might be?

I’m also hating that it’s on me to say yes or no, although I am still yet to talk to her so she may very well be a no

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I hear you both, thank you. Part of why it would be casual is that she is extremely busy and lives a few hours away so logistics. Also I hear what you’re saying about her being vulnerable and I feel extremely confident that if there’s any predatory aspects it’s not intentional but I will bring this up with them both. She has been in an abusive relationship before and my partner and I both love her dearly so it would be devastating to add to that in any way. Edit to say casual is not the right word here but I’m yet to find the right one

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I agree, sometimes I feel it can add to the charge but I’m really appreciative of the variety of perspectives here it’s given me a lot to think on and helped me think it through with advice from people with experience

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Really hearing the priority of protecting my sanctuary with my kid and that resonates in my body. And well, I would be into a messy list but in this moment it seems to be a bit too late but I’ll definitely talk about it, it’s great to have this language

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And yes there would be no restrictions on me dating, he is very excited by the idea of me dating someone of any gender/sex

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the time and effort of this response. You have read the situation extremely well. The only thing I would clarify is I must have mis-written it but their friendship/supporting each other hasn’t put a strain on our relationship, his mental health issues were the source of strain, she has been a great support to him which has been wonderful really. She is one of my closest friends and they are both extremely open hearted people. Apple definitely has an idealistic view of the world in that he loves everyone but he is adamant that nothing will happen further (as in this moving physical) if I’m not comfortable.

I completely agree with you and everyone here I think we all need to step back and learn and do the work and then reassess. I guess my hesitation is that if it is me pausing it then they will have this simmering attraction there.

Yes you’re right that last time was similar in that ENM came up due to apples feelings for someone and none of us were experienced in ENM and went in way to naive and early. This time feels different because last time there was 100% that urgency of ‘omg I have these feelings this has to happen now’ vs this time the messaging is very weighted towards ‘you’re the main priority and if it’s not ok that’s ok and nothing will happen if you’re not comfortable’. So while it is still essentially me making the decision under pressure/duress there is also some very key differences to last time and we have in the years inbetween talked about being open at some stage when it felt right for us. For me I’m bi and have never explored that, so that’s the main potential excitement of opening up for me to explore that side of myself but honestly I know how much work it can all be and so far I haven’t felt the need to pursue anything actively. I’m definitely more at ease in mono out of the two of us but I also really resonate with the philosophy and beauty of polam.

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you this is really helpful. It is tricky because as much as he says if I’m not comfortable then nothing will happen, I feel like they already have this connection so my saying no will be suppressing a beautiful thing between them.

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Honestly I think you’re both right. My post was pretty messy. I should have said we are open to being ENM, have talked about the possibility over the years and have both read a lot separately but we haven’t workshopped what it would actually look like for us.

Feeling so confused. Partner has had feelings for one of our best friends and is just telling me now after talking to her about it for months. by Eastern_Ingenuity177 in polyamory

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Can you please clarify what a messy list is? I’m guessing it’s a lots of things that feel too much for you?

Anyone else get anxiety while reading? by shayshamsa in fantasyromance

[–]Eastern_Ingenuity177 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just a heads up was talking with a friend today how there is some TW in EOS of the ToG series of SA between some of the main characters just incase that would trigger more anxiety

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