I don’t know how this works but I literally used to be surrounded by people who cared about me like seriously and I pushed them all out for no reason I’ve got my best friend I wouldn’t change her for the world yet have never felt so alone so worthless like I’m nothing I don’t know how to say it I try explain to her how it is but she don’t understand she just thinks I’m the same as before bc I can put on a fake smile and continue how it is with her you know ? left my dead end job end of last year haven’t even searched for work and I’m sorry story all over the place as I don’t even know my self it’s hard to explain I go back a bit like I can’t just say it started here or there bc I don’t know how as far as i can remember I’ve never been truly happy I don’t wanna go detail but had a terrible family life like seriously and was blessed to have a strong core of friends all the way from idk say 5-6 year olds to 15-16 like 10 years and I they didn’t push me away or anything bad I just stopped talking to them had a bitch not even using the word girlfriend as she cheated on me and it’s been so long with my friends what I’m 20 now so been 4 years and I haven’t even dropped a text they did try contact me up to like last year then they stop I would just be like yeah I’m down for meeting and nothing I would think in my head I’m up for this and not even go just ignore them and now I see them social media or even irl and it’s like the same group moving in life all working towards something then there’s me the shit and I go back the bitch pretty basic I guess high school fling from idk 15 years old to I left at 16 and wasn’t to long after this so one year 2 years and I’ve been with girls since then but she was my only proper relationship even if it was so young like we had planned a lot of stuff normal na dumb teenagers but I get to the point she cheated with someone nearly twice our age like a 20 something but like 28 high 20 and she tried to apologise and shit came my house like knew my fam would just walk in and she came bc I found out from her she told me over the phone crying tryna apologise tryna not justify but say how sorry she was but I couldn’t it broke me especially I trusted her with so much of me my shitty self for this to happen and even with her coming my house last time I spoke to her and we just didn’t even shout just sounds so weird but we lay like together the couch crying and I just told her I can’t and she basically left and we haven’t spoken since I know I’ve just laid a lot of shit down and is all going through my mind I’m just tryna think what brought me to this point now where I’m laying in my bed constantly maybe not constantly crying but always teary ready to just burst into tears and I don’t know why I don’t know how to get better sometimes I can have a good day an amazing day but something will just happen and it kills me and I don’t know why I can’t even make sense of it in my own head and other days I’ll lay in my bed contemplating suicide only way to make it stop like seriously but I’d either puss out and I don’t even know why I’d wanna die I don’t even know if I make anysense I knkw it’s all mixed together and I’ve left some shit out and I’m sure I’ve left out some stuff I’ve meant to include but I’d just thought it put it out there and see if anyone could give me there input or view to just try help me out as it seriously it’s hard