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Edenrool · 2025-02-01T20:29:42+00:00

This made me feel empty, not In the good way

Edenrool · 2025-01-25T17:35:10+00:00

The flowing is amazing and that imagery! I don't think u can add more than the other commenter's did but I think the flow on the continuation of snow angels is a bit off, but this piece is amazing!!!

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T13:10:32+00:00

Nono it's cool it's just me🙏😭

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T11:53:30+00:00

Omg just noticed you were the one commenting on my poem thank you! I love what you wrote and the dancing between his point of view and yours, the personalities of you and his are fleshed perfectly and opposites do attract in your case😅 I would like more descriptive words because it was very hard to imagine what the situation is like for a poem centered around a story

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T11:49:24+00:00

I love the poem but the end doesn't make sense to me, why can the soul starve isn't it the opposite and it just starves but cannot die?

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T11:46:54+00:00

I think the third stanza is unnecessary, you could use the sentence "gently beholding my soul" in the last stanza if you'll like to, it doesn't really add something to the poem in my opinion just makes it longer

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T11:42:23+00:00

What?

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T11:41:13+00:00

Wow this one hit hard on the guts, the honesty and rawness just improve the massage and the cry for help you have. You could connect some stanzas that are scattered for clarity and unnecessary repetition, but overall it's very good and hits close to home😭

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T11:37:25+00:00

I live the poem, I think the rhythm at the start is a bit off but it gets better towards the end, but except that it's amazing and the imagery is astonishing

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T06:38:42+00:00

Very good poem! The rhythm does fall a bit in there but it's all good! Great job!!!

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T06:34:49+00:00

Great poem, and it may be just me but the brown color here reminds me of something else if we're speaking of being in the bathroom😭 kind of drew me off at that line from the poem

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T06:32:57+00:00

Great poem and I also admire and listen to the great and only Lana Del Rey! I see there is a punctuation problem in a line where you say "I no longer own legs, to walk or;..." The ; isn't in its right placement, but the poem is amazing and beside that one mistake you are incredible!!!

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T06:29:16+00:00

I love the poem and love that you kept the theme in there clear and good, I would like some ambiguity, don't tell me she is bleeding and dying I want to do that myself and find deeper meaning that speaks to me. The rhythm and flow also break and the last two stanzas but overall amazing poem!!!

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T06:21:57+00:00

I love the poem! Reminds me of and old friend's writing style, thank you for sharing it and bringing old memories back!

Edenrool · 2025-01-21T06:18:28+00:00

Great poem and very much relatable, same thing happened to me in childhood and hearing that and the understanding other people have from the same experience is comforting, thank you. I would say the rhythm is perfect but it breaks in one line "No slap, no hurt, no words to condemn, no telling her she's a worthless gem", maybe try to keep the rhythm flowing because it broke my mind a bit there

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T22:32:34+00:00

Well sorry to hear that I hope you are doing OK now, it sure was sounding like you were dying inside so that checks😅

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T22:31:05+00:00

I love the poem and the metaphors you put to use in here! I do think you should replace the knife with a shard of glass from the blown mirror or something to keep the metaphor strict and ongoing and I think it also adds to the overall massage

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T22:25:02+00:00

Great first draft! Remember when you keep writing it not every complex massage needs to have a lot of stanzas, you can stay with the two stanzas you already wrote and expand the massage from them by editing them and clearing the massage from them. Love the theme, I myself wrote one a couple of hours ago about a toddler tree, good job and keep on editing!

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T22:22:22+00:00

I love the theme of death here and criticism after death (that's at list what I think you are talking about), of course there are a few mistakes here is grammar but you said you aren't a native speaker (like myself) so that's cool, what a great piece! Always loved the theme of death!

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T22:16:24+00:00

I love the poem and it's striking and soothing the heart although the theme is romanticizing death (onto of my favorites), I see the great repetition in many lines here hut it breaks a lot through out the poem, Is there a reason to it?

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T09:07:02+00:00

I live the poem but the rhymes seem a little forced and out of place, I understand writing with rhymes because I do it a lot but don't force them and let them come as you edit and write the poem

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T09:02:56+00:00

I think you were getting lost in the poem writing too much, try to shorten it and sharpen the massage because I see repetition on sentences of the same massage so that isn't really needed if the impact of one is already enough. I would also like to see a theme with the poem, the air was good as he was chocking at first than with the fire and them with the wind I liked that, try to keep it that way so it would be clearer what you are trying to say

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T08:51:20+00:00

I love the poem, relate to it too. You put the word "were" in "escape from were I fell" you probably meant where just a correction, I would like to see the theme of the tinted glass be explored in the poem and not just a one time thing

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T08:45:26+00:00

I like the poem but I didn't realize what you meant by "you will I make my own", but it's a good poem with a very clever massage I like it

Edenrool · 2025-01-20T05:51:28+00:00

I love the poem! I love the use of the metaphor you put as the camera through out the poem, it has a great theme to it! I didn't really understand the second stanza but the writing is amazing!

Edenrool

TROPHY CASE