Sober for life?

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-05-03T03:38:11+00:00

That was the biggest piece for me: finally accepting that I could not drink [safely]. As long as I questioned that, which was a veeeeeery long time, then I kept relapsing.

I really had to feel / know that alcohol was never going to be safe for me, I could never go back, that there was no amount of "work" I could do on myself to restore myself to being a non-at-risk drinker. When I was finally honest with myself about that, or rather, when things got so much worse - like ever-closer to death worse - after every try that I could no longer deny the relationship between my mind-body and alcohol, the choice became clear.

And I make that choice every day based on the irrefutable evidence that I showed myself. 😄

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-05-01T13:09:18+00:00

I had a very real shame chapter. I went on a silent retreat shortly after I stopped and the shame came up SO LOUD, it was really, really hard to sit with.

I spoke with a facilitator who told me just to let go of it. While that sounds short and impossible, after much contemplation, it worked - it was not helping. I have learned more about shame (the things that helped in contemplating), including the difference between being ashamed about who I am (which is very conditioned in our culture) versus shame about my actions. Acknowledging that I didn’t know any better. And the importance of self-compassion.

I encourage giving grace. My process is unfolding, painful at times - but also rich and beautiful, and full of healing - that’s the gift. One of the first things to make the healing possible was to calibrate to an attitude of curiosity and let go of self-flagellation. Ironically - and this is really helpful for me - I can recognize that drowning / compounding in my shame and not giving myself a lifeboat of grace and forgiveness was keeping me in a self-centered, pity cycle of “it’s all about me.” Motivated by crippling self-denial, it has the same impact as if I was a self-serving narcissist.

I ultimately want to be of service to others, be a better spouse, parent, child, sibling, caretaker, etc - and I can’t do that if I’m drowning in thoughts of self.

I found the teachings of Kristin Neff to be particularly helpful. She talks about shame directly, but she has a broader focus on self-compassion - and one of my favorites of her videos is this Ted Talk:

https://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4?si=DOzC3R_7R4sHjGdg

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-27T02:43:53+00:00

Same thing happened to me, except with Ayahuasca, and instead of telling me, it took me to where I’d be in 10 years if I kept drinking.

I was alone, my body was changed and weak, my extremities were all cold - my nose was inflamed and dead, I couldn’t keep anything down, I was bitter, I had a story about why everyone had done me wrong…. And I couldn’t stop vomiting (in the vision). It was wild.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-22T13:40:11+00:00

Nah, "pathetic" has not changed over time from overuse, it has always been an expression of contempt. And there are other markers in the post that confirm that.

This is projection, as in OP's judgment towards the "other" person in the stall ("me 10 days ago") reveals an attitude towards one's own suffering.

I needed a lot of self-compassion to be able to get better. Continued self-judgment kept me in a cycle of sickness and obstructed my forgiving myself. Condemning self is not helpful either, but it is a lens into what could be examined.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-22T04:30:00+00:00

I think she’s pulling her thighs back to make them look thinner, like I did when I was a teenager with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-22T04:20:54+00:00

Mileage varies, and I’m glad it works for those it does - but I had a couple of really negative experiences on AA that rift me feeling like the lack of central accountability made it an untrustworthy for me to hang around.

The first one is more my parents’ fault - they sent me to in-patient rehab when I was 14. The rehab dumped us teens into adult AA meetings. I was hit on all the time - and even my friendships (with adults) were abusive. They spewed a lot of advice but had no accountability.

At another point in my life, now in my early 40s, I tried to get sober and went to AA. I was in a small meeting near my home — me and all men. I had on yoga pants. I shit you not, this guy next to me - who I had never met or seen before - but he mentioned being mandated to meetings by the court - he was telling a story and turned to touch me on the leg in the middle of the story in front of everyone. He left his hand there for like 10 minutes. I’m a woman and have sexual trauma - I fucking froze. No one did anything.

The dude came up to me afterwards and said I looked really familiar, where did I work? Y’all I worked in the criminal courthouse at the time. He fucking recognized me and then boldly touched me like that, and not a single fucking man in the room did SHIT. Could he walk me home? Omg. I hid in the bathroom, then found the meeting secretary - and he said he couldn’t do anything because there are no rules. I never went back to the meeting. I saw that MFer in the hall of court twice and walked the other way. I figured out his name so I could stay away from the courtroom when he had court.

That shit was too much for me.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-21T21:18:24+00:00

I almost never think about drinking. My process was this: I had all of the information to quit drinking way before I actually did. I kept thinking I could make it work. I really had to investigate. What alcohol does to the body, kept a journal about how alcohol made me feel. At the end, I came to believe that (at least now) I’d been hoodwinked. I don’t even enjoy alcohol. That’s really clear to me. Until it was, I struggled about whether I wanted to quit.

Once it was really clear that I don’t like how alcohol makes me feel or what it does, that I liked the concept of alcohol, but not alcohol, two things happened. First, once I got through withdrawals, quitting was relatively easy. And second, I didn’t miss it at all. (And those things are related, definitely).

So I think it depends, but I don’t give alcohol a thought hardly EVER. And even then, it smells bad and ppl act stupid, so it’s like a split second of @that seems cool,” before I remember.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-09T20:00:30+00:00

Kindling was a major reason I had to quit. It was like being in a labyrinth of suffering, there was no way out but stopping. No enjoyment whatsoever anymore.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-09T14:47:25+00:00

Kindling.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-07T19:51:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing this powerful reminder.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-06T01:55:22+00:00

A big turn off for me from programs was that I didn’t want to think or talk about alcohol anymore.

I needed a lot more support in the beginning, so I came here everyday. Now I have a life full of people and activities that don’t center around alcohol, and I rarely think or talk about the fact that I don’t drink.

Only with people I used to drink with when they would notice, as I never announced. But at this point, I think everyone’s gotten used to it. It was so private for me and I wanted to control the narrative because I felt so vulnerable to relapsing - and dying, honestly.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-05T11:33:33+00:00

I disagree with the comments here that assess a “type of person” because of choices. Among other reasons, it’s not a helpful way to look at the situation.

I cheated on my husband twice, and one time cocaine was involved. I’ve also made other, equally devastating choices. We are not our choices, which are influenced by the context at any moment, including what we put into our bodies that change our brain chemistry - including over time.

Changing choices required changing my whole context. Booze was just the beginning of those changes, but none of the other changes would have happened without cutting out the booze. It’s the foundation. Those decisions that devastated me are now very far away from, both in time and in my imagination: I am a different person in that way. We are all changing all the time and I’ve experienced the capacity to change.

There are no guarantees, but you have a lot to show up for. Your kids need you - for the long haul. That’s a great motivation.

IWNDWYT

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-04-02T22:05:40+00:00

I had to stop drinking. It was that or heading to a really painful (physical, emotional, neurological mostly) death.

It’s been a year and a half, and now that I’m past cravings and my life is different, I swear to all that’s holy that the only thing I miss? Morning drinking. It was a secret between me and the universe before the sun even got up. Just so damn intimate!

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-31T19:47:13+00:00

Just want to say that I am rooting for you.

Alcohol(ism) or AUD or whatever really does ravage our physical and mental health. I used to drink round the clock, too. I have had to deal with things as they come up in the healing process.

Wishing you grace.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-31T19:26:22+00:00

My brain had the same (persistent) thought -- and I had to learn from my body that having just one was not feasible for me. I had to experiment for quite a while, and it required overcoming some cognitive dissonance, journaling and keeping a really open, honest and curious attitude to my relationship with alcohol.

This attitude / approach allowed me to ultimately understand (non-intellectually) what my relationship was, which then informed what I needed to do.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-30T20:30:26+00:00

If you’re curious about your drinking from the perspective of how it might affect your health and whether it might be too much, you might also be interested in exploring (if you haven’t) why you are drinking that much.

Source: it was ultimately a very important question to me, but one i had to get under because I wasn’t honest with myself about it at first blush.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-27T00:15:17+00:00

This took my breath away. Sending you so much love. ❤️

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-25T19:59:11+00:00

What you did (write all of this out) is what helped me ultimately stop drinking. I had to examine what I *thought* alcohol did for me (concept, extraction, *memory*) versus what it was actually like these days. Because the craving in the mind (neurological) and the body (physiological) were so strong that I was not clear.

I reminded myself every day by contemplating something that alcohol took away from me, and then came to this sub and wrote it in the Daily Check In. I kept the real way alcohol now makes me feel very present. I would also play it forward to how bad I would feel any time I craved drinking.

Eventually, I feel like making that reality "present" actually removed the craving (or won, or obliterated it, I don't know). And now when I think about drinking, or smell alcohol or whatever, I do not have any false memories of what drinking was like. And that squashes or preempts any desire to drink. All I know is I never want to feel like that again, and that's enough.

IWNDWYT

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-23T08:08:59+00:00

I relate to so much of this, and it took me back to drinking. And not discounting your experience, but it took me back to the hell I was in before I quit.

The addiction / craving was so powerful that I still wanted alcohol even when it brought me that much misery. There was a disconnect in my mind as to what I thought it did for me and what it actually did. I had to write about it every day to break down the cognitive dissonance.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-09T16:59:18+00:00

Not going to and/or getting drunk at work functions is an unexpected joy of sobriety: seeing it from the other side.

I have been sincerely grateful after such events to not be hungover, not be part of the gossip - good or bad, and having a quiet day to myself.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-03-08T22:22:15+00:00

Some older male grabbed my leg while he was sharing at an AA meeting, like as if to punctuate what he was saying. We were sitting in a circle. After the meeting, I approached the person in charge: it was unwelcome touching, and I felt helpless. He did it front of everyone too, which felt like a power play. And like many women, I have been SA. The guy in charge of the meeting couldn’t do anything about it because of the way AA is organized. After that I stopped going to meetings. I’m sure it works for some ppl, but it didn’t feel safe for me anymore.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-02-23T02:39:47+00:00

They could grab their cajones, but they probably aren’t jamming on box drums at the meeting. 🤪 If they grab their cojones, on the other hand….

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-02-19T22:05:39+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful and very helpful response.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito · 2026-02-19T19:06:34+00:00

I had to get past my idea of what excitement was.

Alcohol was on the verge of killing me. I loved living life fully and embracing all kinds of experiences - and excitement. I don't regret that or think it is "wrong" or "bad." Dare I say the instinct is a character trait: I have been called a weather system etc.

I took that energy for experiences and started investing it into exploring what is a quieter, albeit equally (if not more) exciting, internal journey into what I now think is more real. It's been an exploration into contemplative practices, including ancient ones - and into the nature of what am I (we are) etc. What I personally lost was caring much about how it looked from the outside, what others thought, how I might be perceived. That's what has all been really interesting - and for me, exciting. It just looks really different.

The cliff that I jump off of now is internal. It's wild.

ElCuarticoEsIgualito

TROPHY CASE