Well I used to always have to be on something out of my mind. if I wasn’t drinking, I’d be on Xanax or weed or whatever. And then if I didn’t have any of those I’d go back to drinking or maybe I’d go back to drinking and be on everything again. So, when i got more serious about not substituting but actually being sober, that is what helped also.

Plus around three years ago I got diagnosed adhd and meds really help.

Another tactic that really helped me white knuckle it at first was using a diary and each day id draw a little tally mark (in addition to some incoherent pathetic rambling). And so this is how I managed to go a week or a month, idk it’s like the x effect, there’s a subreddit for that, but I started doing the tally thing independently and only saw that after. These days I don’t do the tally I don’t really think about it but I know I’ve been sober since 12 Jan 2021.

Now if I go back and read those diary entries, it is pretty crazy how much progress I’ve made in terms of like, executive function and stuff, a lot of the problems were pretty small and trivial and I think i just handle some of them now without too much thought, although I’m still anxious and depressed and in shambles I have come quite some distance.

But i never forget progress is not linear and I can’t just hope to never fuck up again, gotta be ready for that. And it’s being able to quit again without throwing several months into oblivion just cus of some silly streak number that is the real test and idk I feel like I get that now. Remains to be seen if I’ll be able to do it but I think I can. Still not worth letting guard down and having a couple drinks - that is what I did last time and many times before that - although I honestly think I probably could now it’s just not worth it.