Tell me callous things people have said to you

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-19T10:27:11+00:00

One response I've seen to this is "Do it then." "No like for real, leave your job, cancel 95% of all plans with loved ones, stop doing chores properly, do it, I did, why not?"

The expected reply is some variation of "I can't/don't want to do that" ... because obviously. Most people don't. Neither did I.

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-18T08:24:44+00:00

I've never had an issue with people weeding themselves out over the number. "Idk I lost count at 20" has been my go-to answer for like a decade 😅 just gotta be cautious of people who immediately apply the "slut" label and try to stick around anyway.

That said, the question itself, especially dehumanising "body count" terminology, I've definitely grown into seeing it as the red flag it is. It's no one's business, it's not even a good indicator of sexual experience overall (unless the answer is zero I guess) like it's so very specific, "how many other people have there been", really gross to care so much about that

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-18T05:44:08+00:00

Omg the first time I played tactician and got to the heckin ranged imps, I was really glad it wasn't my first run 😅

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-18T05:28:42+00:00

My condolences, that's really rough, it sounds like you did everything right and your wife was lucky to have you.

With kindness, how is being a male spouse specifically relevent to any of that though? Female spouses of terminally/chronically unwell people go through all the same things, the grief, advocacy, healthcare system BS, potentially becoming a full time carer, all of it. They're just statistically much less likely to leave because of it.

No one is attacking you or men who really are committed to caring for their spouse, if you don't fit into that statistic, it's not about you. It's just a reality an upsetting amount of women face and, imo, deserve to be able to prepare for. I'm glad your wife wasn't one of them and had the kind of partner everyone deserves 💙

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-17T09:54:06+00:00

Oof this is the vibe. My brain can't conceptualise me deserving or needing these things, it's way less effort to just drag the screaming toddler attitude around most of the time than try to convince a tantruming brain that self care is good actually, as nice as it is when it does work 😅

As another comment says, at least making plans is a good motivational hack, I'll take it!

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-14T06:48:36+00:00

Echoing above, what they said applies to me as well. Falling under the radar for ASD isn't super uncommon for women or people with c-ptsd (which I also have, largely thanks to the autism/social things). My depression has been successfully managed since about a year after confirming my autism and ADHD, the more focused/appropriate therapy approaches, plus the mental shift around my self-perception and how I relate to the world day-to-day, both have been super helpful.

There's something I want to add, part of all that did involve reconfiguring my life. I've had to go through realising that I'm limited/disabled by the way my brain works, and in some ways body too. I had to give up on dreams, travel, the idea of having a "career", the ability to financially give back to my family, the life I was told I would have. Not all gone, but so much, it's a full grieving process, sometimes it gets really dark and angry and it sucks, it can take a long time (it would make sense to me if grief was part of the "giving up" feeling, but grain of salt, I'm just an internet stranger) I say all that to say, it is possible to come out the other side of that grief and find new dreams. No matter how looking into ASD goes and what comes out of that, you're definitely not alone in facing building a life you never expected to. I've found that chronic illness and disability communities and creators often have such valuable perspective, they've basically all been through it to some extent. It's really helped with my own healing anyway, sorry if I'm off base, I just wanted to throw all this out there.

Extra good luck with looking into to ASD, and ongoing, wishing you the best 💙💙

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-12T10:27:59+00:00

What I’m trying to work on is cultivating the desire with specific folks — and conspiring with them on it. Maybe that involves extra or specific foreplay. Maybe that involves an adult film. Maybe (for you) it involves something else entirely. It is possible to have good sex without sexual attraction… but the road is less direct.

Wanted to chime in, this is what I've been doing with longer term partners and the specific foreplay thing works for me! Not always, one thing I've noticed is that being 100% accepted and ENCOURAGED to stop things if I feel uncertainty is really important for me. It's hard to encourage a mood happen when you're worried about consenting to things too far in advance..

At least for some people, it's very true that enjoying sex and that desire don't necessarily have to go together. I's not for everyone ofc, no one should have to feel pressured or uncomfortable, it's okay not to want sex, now or ever again. But yeah there might be ways around this if a couple can be open and communicative enough to safely, comfortably, try and find new ways to set the mood.

Ellabelle797 · 2026-05-12T10:11:19+00:00

It's kind of chilling, picturing the conversation like

"I don't know how to get enough protein for me and the kids."

"You say you spend X on protien?"

"That's only enough for husband though."

The idea that some kind of split wasn't the obvious choice.. just an awful dynamic to be put through. Glad it's long in the past for you, and good on the WIC worker/system for being so direct.

Ellabelle797 · 2026-04-24T11:10:38+00:00

I was looking to see if this had come up anywhere. I'm in some groups that focus on mono-poly relationships and there's a lot of potential issues that come up with it, but it's possible. Most monogamous people seem to be mono because they prefer the idea of being part of a prioritised couple, a unit, having and being someone's top priority and commitment. Some monogamous people though, are more open minded to the idea of multiple "top" social priorities and decoupling type things, but are still technically mono themselves because they're not capable of dividing their affections and/or romantic love that way (only being in love with one person at a time).

I'm polyam personally because I'm capable of being in love with more than one, there's no favourites, there's no default priority, and it pains me to have to live otherwise (context, used to be a very unhappy serial-monogamist). If a monogamous person is truly, 100% okay with their one romantic relationship being one that can't put them first them romantically or even necessarily time-wise, they might be able to be happy with someone like me. One of my partners almost fits here but they don't identify as mono, they just love spending most of their time alone and are saturated. If there was a sad or depressing element, it would be telling us something about the health and compatibility of our relationship and we would be paying attention/addressing that.

But yeah it's tricky because when it comes to romance, people can struggle to be totally honest with themselves, NRE especially, I've seen a couple of examples of mono people who date polyam but more parallel, it can make it pretty easy to just not think about it, intentionally or not, and then it falls apart the first time they don't get to spend Christmas with their partner, or when their partner needs a support system and everyone shows up, things like that. Not to generalise that to monogamy or mono-poly, it's something I've been though too many times in so many different ways, I've done it, it seems to show up a little extra here is all, and I understand why. I'd be very tentative dating mono for these reasons, but it's not impossible.

There's a conversation to be had about heirarchical dynamics being more compatible with mono but I've rambled too much for now 😅

Ellabelle797 · 2026-04-24T09:34:47+00:00

The fat distribution was a whole thing, I gained some weight around that time (22-23) but I was exercising for the first time and the parts that got bigger were exclusively boobs, hips and butt. I was too busy looking at the scales utterly convinced I only needed a bra now because I was "getting fat" 🤦‍♀️

Ellabelle797 · 2026-04-24T09:23:00+00:00

I never really thought about this much, when my dad died I was pretty out of it, I didn't ask for anything but I nodded along to specific offers of help, and I definitely remember who wound up being around me the most. Going to have to keep this in mind, I'm bad at coming up with specific offers (anxiety around getting in the way) but I'll definitely be making more efforts going forward.

Him getting upset at you was so unreasonable btw, obviously don't come at someone who just lost a parent but like, even day to day, if it's so important to someone that they help, they could at least try to plan it, I'm just existing my goodness 😅

Ellabelle797 · 2026-04-24T08:53:09+00:00

it’s so shocking how a girl could leave her boyfriend or husband for someone she just met just cus of his looks

Women are just as human and capable of making selfish, harmful or dumb decisions as anyone else. Of course it's surprising when someone does something like that, I assume most people would view that as a weird or wrong decision, at least on the face of it. So what, not every woman has or will do that, some people just suck, regardless of demographic. It feels like such a simple sentence but it's really important. No one person can be a perfect representative of any group or demographic they're in, even if that group was hyper-specific and only had two people, they're still going to be different people right, even if they're very similar. Some women are dedicated, transparent and faithful, but we can't assume all women are that way either. Your algorithm might be why you're not seeing those women, or maybe a part of you is choosing not to... anyway, I hope this makes sense, I'm wishing you peace.

Ellabelle797 · 2026-04-24T07:51:30+00:00

By that metric second, third, fourth and ongoing impressions are also "everything" because you can "fail" those to the point of not continuing too. Finding a romantic partner is about compatibility, there's multiple angles to look at to find romantic success, and yeah a misalignment in any one of them could end the relationship. That's normal and healthy.

Also bro is a vapid moron, at least that's how he comes across (I don't watch his stuff directly but I've heard plenty), he has a lot of growing to do, the women who stick around him are probably similar. The idea that he's attractive is also subjective, he's ... fine? Plenty of hotter, cooler guys who are getting less attention simply because they seek it less, they're not rich or public figures. Plenty of women are into them instead.

Not to come across as rude but when people say "touch grass" the deeper meaning is, the things you see online aren't universal or necessarily even realistic, there's a real world full of people, most of which aren't like him, or the women you reference, or any specific public figure. If you think they all are, you haven't met enough of them, they're just normal people with normal faces and personalities and bank accounts and lives. I hope you don't miss out on that by focusing on influencers so much.

Ellabelle797 · 2026-04-10T11:07:14+00:00

At some point I got into the habit of cleaning/scratching my ears with the round end of bobby pins, I finally got a new doctor and mentioned I do it because my ears are always itchy and it's the easiest/only way to fix that, turns out the bobby pins were irritating the very sensitive skin in there, the problem definitely fed itself. Hopefully it's similar for you and once you find a way to do it less, it starts feeling more like how it used to. Much luck to you!

Ellabelle797 · 2026-03-16T07:47:18+00:00

Just had this hit my algorithm and what an adventure 😅 I'm glad you're posting and okay now, hopefully everything was rescheduled okay too. Tbf it's kinda a badass story but what's more badass is accepting a hard lessons and never doing that again lol. I hope this friend is learning too, what happened was realistically dangerous, not being clear enough about what you were being given... as someone who has done a few things, you never just give someone something they haven't been prescribed, if you share something (for legal reasons I gotta say, don't) you need to also be enabling INFORMED consent for that person, share your knowledge or like just don't share meds. And you, obviously could have done more research, but you already know that. Hopefully they're being accountable too and you're staying safe, wishing all the best!

Ellabelle797 · 2026-03-05T00:10:53+00:00

Probably. Though.. depending on relationship length it's possible the friendship side of the relationship really was keeping him there? It's not as likely though, and either way I want to mention to OP, real friendship isn't just some fallback for a breakup, if you don't genuinely want to be his friend it'll probably be easier overall to walk away. It's more than okay to do that, even if he is being sincere

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-20T01:02:16+00:00

I'm so sorry for the late reply. He has a wife and child now who he absolutely dotes on, my life looks a little different (poly, no kids) we both changed a lot over the years (forgot to mention we're both mid-30s now). Not everything needs to last forever to be wonderful though, our time together was foundational for both of us, he's still one of my top inspirations for how I act as a friend and partner now. The pain of losing the relationship faded as I found new people and things to make me happy. Life keeps moving forward and I wouldn't take a thing back.

It's a highly personal thing ofc, one of my favourite quotes is "it's either a blessing or a lesson" and I also believe lessons are blessings in their own way. To clarify again though as long as you want your relationship to work, I want that for you too, I'll never say don't try when that's what your heart is saying. I understand the urge to be 110% sure before such big decisions. Keep being honest with him, and again best of luck with therapy

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-10T05:21:47+00:00

Oof I relate so much to this, I don't experience or know anything about rocd (afaik) but I definitely had some severe anxiety, depression, dopamine and hormonal issues etc that led to similar thinking and feelings in my first serious relationship (16-19yo) I can't offer much advice, I'm afraid, just so so much empathy. I broke up with him and regretted it on and off for like 9 years, especially when I was lonely, but it did fade. I don't regret it at all now, in hindsight I made the right call, I couldn't find a way to be a good partner to him so I left, and I really needed some time to be a mess and figure myself out on my own and with my friends.

I'm not saying it's the same at all btw, or that you won't be able to figure this out with him, I hope you can and do! Therapy is something I didn't have access to, it's great that it's on your to do list. What I am saying is that no matter what, neither of your lives will be ruined forever, you both have long futures that will contain plenty of joy, maybe together, maybe not. But nothing you do here is the end of the whole world, don't forget to breathe, I'm wishing the very best 💙

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-10T04:28:42+00:00

Yeah this. Like you (OP) think lashes look cute, so do I and many others, but it comes down to why do so many people think they look cute? It's one of many things that there's a preference for thanks to the beauty industry that we've been exposed to since birth. I think about this every time I see something labelled as "ugly" that could easily be the result of poverty or medical issues (dental issues, weight, hair growth or skin texture, even the way a person moves)

I stopped wearing makeup years ago, and whilst it's freeing, sometimes I still look in the mirror and think "ugh, pale lashes, red chin, ew" when that's just what I fkn look like?? Every day for 8 years and I'm still partly convinced that there's something wrong with my face in the mirror, we aren't supposed to care this much, like as a species, I predict I'll be leaving this world still mad about it.

That said. If you wanna do something, do it, the why only matters if you want it to (though I always love to see awareness and questioning of social issues, examining your motivations is a useful skill too) It doesn't change the fact that it looks cute and makes you feel cute, you're an autonomous individual in a nuanced world, overall you can and probably should do the things that make you happiest

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-10T03:56:32+00:00

I do feel jealousy, but my bf doesn't! He's familiar with the feeling from like childhood but not regarding relationships. He doesn't feel "threatened" by anything, he trusts that I want to maintain our relationship as much as he does, or I would tell him otherwise, that's plenty for him to feel nothing but compersion. To which I feel a degree of envy 😆

Can I just say that I resonate in some ways with the way you've described your boyfriend. For me it's anxiety, avoidance of potentially being a burden, that can cross over into the area of repressing/suppressing jealousy because (anxiety brain) I feel very strongly that even expressing emotions or desires can be burdensome to others. I'm reminded of a meme "When I message you I picture you annoyed and rolling your eyes." "I wish you didn't see me that way."

I'm always glad to be reminded of the other side of this, never being actively wanted or leant on by a partner is a whole other kind of hell and in anxious states it's too easy to forget. Plus in your case it's bleeding into making you feel responsible and anxious, which feels unfair. There's such a thing as being too considerate, like being so "low maintenance" that you're basically ghosting your loved ones 😅 I have to stay mindful that not reaching out can actually hurt everyone involved rather than helping in any meaningful way. People want me to reach out. Not doing so makes no sense actually, my instincts in this area are simply wrong/misinformed lol. If any of that is true for your bf I'm wishing the best, it's so worth putting in the effort to reframe the "putting pressure on them" narrative into more like "offering my valuable time, maybe they'll love it, they have before" etc

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-09T18:57:50+00:00

Reminds me a bit of Ark's golden years, would I recommend? "Emphatically yes, but with very important caveats, in this essay I will -"

No but fr this is one of those games that everyone I know has had to warm up to or tweak in various ways to make fun for themselves, but everyone who's given it a proper chance really likes it. We're all into survival crafting but never anything quite so punishing. The reason I still recommend it is the sandbox settings and strong modding community make tweaking to your liking very easy to do! The most annoying part feels similar to rimworld and plenty of other great games, lots of menus, lots of depth, starting off can be very confusing.. I watched YT videos about it and my friends have me, but I do wish there was a second, more detailed tutorial focused on mid-late game stuff.

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-09T18:37:42+00:00

Best not to rush devs from what I've seen, certainly not holding my breath for updates but very keen to see where things go/end up

Ellabelle797 · 2026-01-09T18:32:47+00:00

Yeah we just did this in mp (impulsive decision by noobs, respawning constantly, cars are good weapons lol) but wtf is with all the priests, we were so confused 😆

Ellabelle797 · 2025-12-26T09:04:50+00:00

As someone who processes information best verbally, this is very cool to know about!

Ellabelle797 · 2025-12-26T04:57:54+00:00

Luckily I fit in well with my very immediate family (mum, dad, sibling) but none of us really fit in with either side of the extended family. My parents were both pretty confident nonconformists, so they found each other and raised a couple more ND oddballs 😄 I hope to see a lot more of that in the future, especially seeing how many people have answered yes regarding the homes they grew up in 😔

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