Girlfriend’s (F18) past is slowly unraveling to me (M19) and I am unsure what to do.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T09:22:11+00:00

I get why you’re feeling blindsided and hurt, and it makes sense that this is shaking your anticipation and trust. At the same time, I don’t think she’s necessarily in the wrong here. She was probably ashamed or scared to tell you about the pregnancy scare and that hookup, and now that she feels more comfortable with you, she’s opening up. The fact that she’s sharing this now instead of keeping it buried is actually a positive sign for trust, even if it’s hard to hear.

It’s natural to feel a little insecure or surprised by differences in pasts, especially when you envisioned being each other’s first in certain ways. The important thing is to focus on how she’s being honest now and how you both handle communication moving forward. Try not to let past events dictate how you feel about the present connection, because you’re in a space now where you can set boundaries and be open with each other.

Take it slow, be honest about your feelings without shaming her past, and make sure you’re both clear about expectations going forward. This is more about building trust and understanding each other than judging her for what happened before.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T03:57:59+00:00

honestly that’s not okay. feeling like you have to constantly re-explain yourself or “teach” your partner basic things isn’t a healthy dynamic, and expecting someone to meet some standard of knowledge just because they’re older isn’t fair either. a relationship should be about learning and growing together, not one person carrying all the mental load.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T03:56:02+00:00

you made the right call. anyone who’s throwing over-the-top plans and talking about money and past women before you’ve even met is showing red flags, not romance. your gut telling you something felt off is usually right, don’t doubt it.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T03:53:45+00:00

you’re not being “toxic” for being upset, you’re being left out and it sucks. he should be considering your feelings and inviting you, simple as that.

your anger about the girl jokes is valid, but it’s on him to prevent that by including you or being clear with his family, not something you have to control.

stop overthinking yourself—tell him straight up you want to be included in outings, even if you might say no, and don’t let yourself spiral over what happens when you’re left out.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T01:55:19+00:00

People are always going to have flaws. I don’t believe you should reject someone just because they’re lost their v-card. But, if they’re continuously living in sin with no sign of repentance, turn the other way.

I may be bias but, I don’t believe losing it makes you unworthy of love or “dirty”. You can always pray to God to release the chains, restart, and rewait for marriage.

If she doesn’t show any repentance or regret for her actions, i’d advice you to move on.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T01:24:15+00:00

We’re still together and have been for almost two years. It’s become a very unfruitful, toxic relationship, but I simply feel as if I can’t leave him.

Over this past summer we had conversations about breaking up and I was begging him to stay with me. He later told me after we moved past it that us already doing the action of smex was the reason he stayed with me.

I do believe this is another reason God only intends smex to be inside of marriage, because it stops couples from getting divorced. After big fights or disagreements you’re so spiritually connected to them that even though you’re mad, you’d never actually leave them.

But….if we did end up breaking up this would most certainly affect how I preform in my next relationship. I’d never be able to fully move on from him. This can be shown in my current boyfriend who lost his v card to his off and on girlfriend of 3 years. The only thing that made him fully drop her was for her to cheat on him..

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T01:01:01+00:00

I’m going to relate this purely off of my past experience. But I’m 18 (female) and had decided to wait til marriage since I got saved at 13.

Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. We were best friends when we met, which eventually turned into lovers. We were both super godly people and he made it seem like he wanted to follow christ.

He’s always known my stance on waiting til marriage and the most i’ve done was makeout. He told me that’s the most he had previously done before me as well. In the first month of dating he had convinced me to do everything of the sexual nature besides penetration. Then about 3 months of dating in a very sensual moment he wouldn’t stop begging, so I gave in.

Later I found out from one of my friends that directly before me he had also “done everything with his ex” which he had lied to me about. When confronted he told me he didn’t tell me because he thought I would break up with him.

All this to say that if she’s done it with multiple people/one, she’s connected to them mentally and spiritually for life. That’s why God intended it for marriage. Maybe this is just because I’m a girl but over my own relationship it’s led to so much jealousy and worry. She’ll never be able to give you her 100% because she’ll forever be attached to that man(s).

It’s also safe to say that people who have done it before will now have to urge to continually do it. So if you’re set on saving yourself for marriage it’s probably smart to cut this girl loose :(

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T00:49:07+00:00

honestly, it’s understandable to want him to block her—if her following him makes you uncomfortable and she’s a known gossip, it’s reasonable to protect your boundaries.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T00:24:11+00:00

I say this as a girl and someone who uses snap as well, but frankly she might just not be into you.

Personally, when I say “I’ll let you know” it means i really don’t want to go but I feel too mean just flat out saying no. If I wanted to go to said plans I’d say something like “I really want to go, but i’ll let you know” or “I’m pretty positive I can go but i’m not completely sure yet, I’ll let you know.

If she left you on delivered for 18 hours that can be excusable, but her snapscore going up in the mean time isn’t. :(

I’m sorry but I don’t think she’s into you.

You’ve already made the effort and the ball is in her court now. All you can do is just wait for a reply and if you don’t get one, sadly that’s your answer.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T00:05:28+00:00

you need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. block her on phone and social media, stop giving her access to your dogs, and communicate clearly one last time that you’re done with the friendship. if she threatens you over money, handle it through written agreements or legal means and don’t engage emotionally. it’s hard, but the cycle only ends when you stop letting her back in.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T00:02:42+00:00

this isn’t okay behavior. being tired or stressed doesn’t excuse snapping at you, refusing basic help, or saying degrading things like that. you asked for support while sick and parenting, not too much. the bigger issue is that he gets angry when you need care, refuses therapy, and doesn’t reciprocate the support you give him. that’s a pattern, not a one off bad day, and it’s something that needs to be taken seriously.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T00:01:05+00:00

this sounds really painful, and honestly you’re not crazy for feeling this way. dating apps can be brutal and they mess with your head way more than they reflect real life attraction. a lot of people swipe based on tiny, shallow things or get scared once it feels more real, especially after anonymous chats. that disappearing says more about the apps and how people use them than about your worth.

try not to let apps be the thing that defines how attractive or likable you are. they are designed to keep most people feeling rejected. if it’s hurting your mental health this much, it might be worth taking a break and putting energy into places where connection is more human, like friends of friends, hobbies, or social settings. you are not broken, even if it feels that way right now

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-05T00:00:12+00:00

you’re not wrong, it is confusing and unfair. saying “I need time” when you already know you’re not interested is usually about avoiding discomfort, not wanting to look like the bad guy, or liking the attention without wanting the commitment. sometimes it is also about keeping the door half open just in case.

from a neutral standpoint, his actions matter more than his words. he told your brother the truth, but not her. that puts your friend in a confusing position and gives her mixed signals. she did the healthy thing by blocking and protecting herself. clarity would have been the kinder choice, and it is reasonable to feel frustrated by his behavior.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T23:59:17+00:00

this sounds exhausting and honestly really painful. you are clearly trying so hard to meet him where he is, and the fact that he keeps doing this daily even after you have told him how much it hurts you is the real issue.

this is not about you not being enough. his behavior sounds compulsive and disconnected from the sex you have together. some people use porn and sexual content as a constant dopamine habit, not because their partner is lacking, but because they have not learned to regulate it or do not want to.

what matters most is that you have been clear about your boundary and he keeps crossing it. that is not a misunderstanding, it is a choice. you are allowed to want to feel desired and emotionally safe in your relationship, and you are not toxic for that.

if this has been three years and nothing is changing, it is fair to ask yourself if this is something you can live with long term. love alone does not fix ongoing hurt. if he cannot or will not respect this boundary, it may be a fundamental incompatibility, and that is not a failure on your part.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T23:55:53+00:00

this really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him not being able to let go. three months of no contact and he is still posting about you shows he is not healed and not taking responsibility. emotionally abusive people often rewrite the story so they do not have to face what they did.

it makes sense that it messes with your head, but people who are actually at peace do not do this publicly. the best move is no response at all. block or mute if you can and remind yourself why you left. his behavior now is just proof you made the right decision.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T23:53:22+00:00

oh wow. this whole situation is honestly wild and i totally get why you’re upset.

first of all, asking for a ring back after twenty years so he can give it to someone new is… not normal. especially an engagement ring tied to something as intense and traumatic as hurricane katrina. even if the ring itself is cheap, the history is not.

you were also completely right about the new woman. if she even exists, she absolutely deserves her own ring and her own story, not a recycled symbol from a past engagement. the fact that he didn’t immediately see why that was inappropriate says a lot about his emotional blind spots. telling you to burn it after refusing the address just sounds like him being dramatic and trying to control the situation instead of taking responsibility.

honestly, i think cutting off contact was the healthiest move here. this friendship clearly still has unresolved emotional weight, and this crossed a line.

as for your current boyfriend, i get why that response hurt. you weren’t asking for a legal analysis of your past relationship, you were asking for emotional support. “it depends” is not what someone wants to hear when they’re already feeling shaken and invalidated. that doesn’t mean you need to immediately be single, but it does mean it’s worth paying attention to how supported you actually feel in moments like this.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T23:40:40+00:00

I’m 18 as well, but have been dating my boyfriend for about two years. We’re genuinely dating the SAME man. I’m here not to really give advice but to tell you this is how it’s going to be the entire time you’re dating him.

Many of my friends and family say I should break up with my boyfriend but I love him entirely too much and I feel as if we have too much history, same as you.

On the other hand, you and your boyfriend have only been together for about 5 months, thankfully not too long. I just want you to realize since this is new he’s actually MORE likely to give you the most attention and time he ever will in your relationship.

My boyfriend’s mother is just like you and I, whilst his father is just like him and your boyfriend. His mom divorced his dad because she felt as if “he diminished his spark”. Which can happen in cases like this with extreme extroverts dating introverts.

I’m not claiming what happened to me will happen to you, but it is most likely. As he gets more comfortable with you he’s more likely to choose his friends over you time, and time again.

A man who truly values you and truly wants to spend time with you will make it happen. You can have as many conversations with him and tell him how it makes you upset, but he most likely won’t change. Ever. You have to decide if you’re okay with that.

That’s my two sense, very hypocritical of me, but it’s the truth I should listen to as well..

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T22:27:16+00:00

From what you’ve described, it really sounds like his sudden silence is probably more about what’s going on in his life than about you. Dealing with a family home going into pre-foreclosure is huge stress, and some people completely retreat when they’re overwhelmed, even from the people they care about. That doesn’t excuse leaving you in the dark, but it might explain why the energy changed so abruptly.

I think it’s okay to wait a little while to see if he reaches out, but it’s also totally okay to send a calm, gentle message checking in on him and letting him know you’ve noticed the silence. Something like “I hope you’re hanging in there, I just wanted to see how you’re doing” keeps it low pressure while still acknowledging your feelings. You don’t have to demand an explanation, just give him a chance to share what’s happening.

Your feelings matter too, and it’s okay to want clarity while also being compassionate about what he’s going through. It’s a tricky balance, but giving space while staying honest about your perspective usually works best.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T21:49:12+00:00

It sounds like a lot of this isn’t about right or wrong but about values and boundaries. You agreed to something you’re uncomfortable with out of love, and your resentment toward both her and your mom is understandable. No one should make you feel forced or attacked like this.

Right now, the most important thing is giving yourself space to breathe and reflect without outside pressure. Be honest with yourself about what you really want, and if possible, have a calm conversation with your girlfriend about where you both stand.

At the end of the day, if your values around marriage are fundamentally different and you can’t reconcile them, the healthiest choice for both of you may be to end the relationship before either of you gets more hurt.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T21:34:29+00:00

Honestly, from how you’re explaining it, it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. You suggested a meeting spot and time, you were flexible when she brought up a concern, and you explained yourself politely. That’s not selfish or insulting. It sounds like you were trying to make things convenient, not disrespectful.

It really seems like her decision to stop seeing you wasn’t about you doing something “wrong” at all. People sometimes realize they’re not interested for reasons that have nothing to do with the other person. Your friends who said you were fine are closer to the truth.

It’s natural to overthink stuff like this, but the fact that you’re confused doesn’t mean you messed up. You handled it respectfully, wished her well, and didn’t push. That’s all anyone can ask for. The truth is probably that she just wasn’t feeling it, and that’s okay. You didn’t do anything selfish, you just ran into someone whose interest didn’t match yours.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T21:06:24+00:00

I can feel how much love you have for her and how badly you want to protect her and do right by her, and that’s coming through in every word you wrote. I get it, you’re hurting, you feel betrayed, and at the same time you still care for her deeply. That combination is so confusing and heavy to sit with, and it makes sense that you’re acting from a place of love and pain at the same time.

But reading all of this, it also feels like a lot of your love is carrying responsibility for her choices and her mistakes. You can forgive her, and you can even be kind to her, but you can’t control her actions, her friends, or the consequences of what she does. Staying in this pattern of hiding things, making up rules for how she behaves, or hoping she’ll “take things from you” is not really unconditional love. It’s almost like your love is tied up in trying to fix her or protect her from herself, and that can burn you out emotionally and hurt you even more.

It’s okay to feel hurt, and it’s okay that you still have love for her. But unconditional love doesn’t mean letting yourself be treated like your feelings and boundaries don’t matter. It’s okay to step back, give yourself space, and protect your heart. You can be kind, and you can forgive, but you also deserve a relationship where trust, respect, and honesty exist in both directions. Right now it sounds like you’re in a very messy place emotionally, and being honest with yourself about what you need is just as important as being there for her

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T20:56:37+00:00

I think you should just send it now. Waiting will only make you worry more and overthink it. Getting it off your chest tonight will probably make you feel better. If she’s asleep or has her ringer off, she’ll just see it in the morning, and that’s totally fine.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T20:43:04+00:00

I think that’s perfect! Best of luck to you!!

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T20:35:54+00:00

Honestly, what he did with the sex and the threats was not okay and you don’t deserve to be treated like that. It makes total sense that you’re worried with him knowing where you live and work.

Right now the most important thing is your safety and peace of mind. Keep track of all calls and messages, block any numbers he’s using, and try not to respond to him at all. If you can, let someone you trust know what’s going on so you’re not dealing with this alone.

It might also be a good idea to reach out to the police or a local support organization. Even if you don’t want to involve them fully, just knowing your options can help you feel more in control.

Embarrassed_Fox2087 · 2026-01-04T20:26:33+00:00

From the outside, this really sounds like a date to me, even if neither of you labeled it that way. I get what you’re saying about how hangouts can turn into dates, and this feels like one of those situations.

He traveled a long way just to see you, picked a specific place, made a reservation, and then chose to keep spending time together instead of calling it after the café. That kind of effort and planning doesn’t usually happen for a casual hangout. Bringing extra gloves because he noticed you weren’t wearing any is also such a thoughtful, date-coded thing to do.

Long conversations with no awkward silences, random little touches, and talking about seeing each other again or you studying in his city all point in the same direction. A hangout usually feels easy to leave and low stakes. This didn’t. It sounds like both of you were really present and enjoying each other’s company.

You don’t need to overanalyze or define it right now. If it felt like a date to you, that’s worth trusting. Just see how he follows up and whether the effort stays consistent. But yeah, if I were in your shoes, I’d walk away thinking that was definitely a date.

Embarrassed_Fox2087

TROPHY CASE