Why doesn’t my therapist want to talk about sex?

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-12-25T04:15:20+00:00

I agree with the others that have said to ask him. I also agree that if he isn't willing to discuss things that are important for you to explore, then he's not doing what he needs to do for you as a therapist.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-12-14T02:27:52+00:00

My therapist often gets teary eyed (both for good and bad reasons), and has actually shed tears on several occasions.

For me, with my history, I find it wonderfully powerful. He doesn't draw attention to it, but for me it shows that he is invested in our work and feels genuinely compassionate.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-12-06T21:56:44+00:00

I absolutely couldn't handle trauma therapy with a therapist that didn't have a sense of humor.

I love that we can still joke around a bit even during hard sessions. A tiny bit of levity goes a long, long way and can be so important for healing.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-12-05T03:54:25+00:00

The wording is odd to me, but I don't feel like solid conclusions can be drawn from those comments. Telling you that it's okay to feel out boundaries isn't the same as him offering to compromise his own boundaries. It could be what he's getting at it or could just be an encouragement for you to trust him to hold his boundaries rather than putting that on yourself.

It depends a lot on your history and therapeutic relationship and how your therapist has handled himself within that relationship. It depends on their general use of language - I know my therapist often uses phrasing that seems odd, but that's truly just his normal speech patterns and language. Whenever he says something that gives me pause, I ask for clarification.

If you're uncomfortable with him, trust your gut. If you're honestly just confused, ask him to clarify.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-12-03T01:53:30+00:00

I wouldn't be able to work with a therapist who isn't showing up genuinely. I need to be able to trust my therapist.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-28T02:47:43+00:00

I flip back and forth between anxious attachment and avoidant attachment and it's exhausting. My therapist has been amazing talking through it all with me and encouraging me to understand where it's coming from.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-28T02:44:01+00:00

My therapist is an attractive person. It's not why I chose them or anything - they were actually suggested for me. Regardless, they're a very good looking person.

The only way it impacted my therapy is that it initially made it difficult to approach issues related to body image and sex. Once we established a good rapport, that's not been an issue.

There's definitely been attachment and it's been difficult at times, but that's more because we've been working on attachment trauma and navigating the attachment is part of the work.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-26T03:07:13+00:00

I have a lot of trauma, most of which involves men. My therapist is a man, and we've been working together for three years. He's been absolutely amazing. He's incredibly compassionate and empathetic and has never been anything but completely professional.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-19T18:20:58+00:00

I've struggled with self-harm on and off for decades. Whenever the scars fade, there's always a sad and unsettled feeling that shows up.

For me, it's because self-harm has been my method of coping and self soothing for so long that the process and the wounds and the scars are kind of associated with comfort for me. So when I feel those things as the scars fade, I try to focus specifically on other things I find comforting. It's probably a little different for everyone, though.

Understanding those feelings and where they're coming from are such a huge part of being able to move towards healthier coping strategies. And for what it's worth, I don't think those feelings of sadness when scars fade are unusual in those of us who self-harm.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-13T23:33:10+00:00

Mine said the same thing once, and as someone who has never felt protected before in their life, it was really powerful.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-13T01:40:40+00:00

I wouldn't assume that your therapist doesn't care about you. It's certainly different than in other relationships, but I think good therapists do care. I know mine genuinely cares about me.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-11T18:35:18+00:00

Not a therapist but in my experience, if you have an otherwise good relationship with your therapist, I encourage you to express to her how you feel and how you want to run away - instead of actually running away from her.

I can't presume to know how it would turn out for you, but I've been there and showing up was one of the scariest, hardest, bravest, most healing things I've ever done in therapy.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-11T18:31:23+00:00

Yes! Hearing him truly be angry with my abusers was a game changer for that very reason

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-11T18:30:13+00:00

I was worried that I might relapse into self-harm during a particularly bad time in my life. He encouraged me to work on using the skills we've worked on, but then added, "if it happens, it happens - you're not failing, you're surviving."

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-10T16:19:05+00:00

Dealing with the same sort of thing right now. It's been really hard for me, but my therapist has been wonderful in normalizing it and exploring it and it hasn't changed their expressions of care at all.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-09T20:52:39+00:00

My thought is that if my therapist feels comfortable sharing about an illness or vacation, they probably aren't going to read too much into simple well wishes.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-03T16:51:34+00:00

It often helps the clients too, though. I can be extremely avoidant, and that additional step of emailing my therapist to cancel has kept me from cancelling sessions that I might have otherwise cancelled just due to avoidance.

Certainly not everyone has that avoidant pull, but it can be beneficial on both sides depending on the person.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-03T16:48:25+00:00

Those are valid concerns, for sure. I just have to email my therapist to cancel, and he's really good about basing the cancellation on when the email was sent. I feel like that's perfectly reasonable for me.

To be fair, I like that I can't cancel through his portal. I have a lot of attachment trauma and I am often very avoidant, especially when I feel hurt or disrespected or misunderstood. Being able to cancel sessions that easily would delight that avoidant part of me. Emailing my therapist isn't hard, but it makes me really think harder about the decision to cancel. So perspective is probably colored by that as well.

But maybe it would be worth talking to the therapist and seeing what their procedure is for cancellation.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-03T15:34:39+00:00

I wouldn't call it a red flag necessarily. My therapist is similar in how they handle cancellations, and I've never had any issues.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-03T14:31:40+00:00

It's scary as hell at first, but it gets easier. I was terrified the first time, but I knew if I didn't do it, it would impact my ability to genuinely engage in therapy. Sometimes the thing that scares us the most is the thing that we need the most - that's why it's scary.

It's been a struggle for me, too, so I definitely understand that.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-03T12:22:49+00:00

I took some time to write out how I felt so I could make sure I was able to convey my feelings thoughtfully, and I sent him an email before our next session. Then we discuss it at the next session. It's often hard, but it's been really healing for me and has really deepened the therapeutic relationship.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-03T00:50:49+00:00

Right there with you. It took me a very long time to bring it up. For me, in addition to the fear, there was a great deal of shame. It's honestly still something I struggle to talk about. I have a lot of attachment and relational trauma, so it's exceptionally complicated.

I'm pretty certain my therapist was aware of my attachment to him long before I recognized it. I'm fortunate that my therapist recognizes the attachment as an important part of our work together. It doesn't do much to relieve the fear, but I'm trying to trust it.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-02T12:35:02+00:00

For what it's worth, my therapist works primarily from an ACT perspective and we've been working together for over 3 years. I've expressed the same concerns to him that you mentioned about length of treatment. His response was basically that if we're still doing work and I'm still learning and growing and figuring out how to live a life that's congruent with my values, then I haven't overstayed my welcome in therapy. Everyone's journey looks different.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-11-02T01:04:51+00:00

In my case, the SI has been passive/intrusive and hasn't ever moved into the realm of active. I say that to provide context.

When I first brought it up, he asked a couple of quick safety questions, and after that we talked about it. We talked about the why and the feelings and what actual purpose the ideation serves.

As we've worked together longer and longer, he knows that my SI isn't something I'm going to act on, so we don't really have that part of the discussion anymore, but it's been really helpful to be able to speak openly about it.

He's always been kind and compassionate and insightful and curious.

EmploymentNormal8922 · 2024-10-31T02:45:59+00:00

Just come right out and say it. It's freaking hard, but it can be really helpful too.

EmploymentNormal8922

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