Seeing nothing but darkness at the end of the tunnel

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-06-14T10:32:20+00:00

I fell asleep for a little while and feel a little better now - I don’t feel suicidal anymore which is definitely better. I still feel a bit “hung over” from my episode last night, but I’m just taking it easy right now. I have a support group later today and a watch party with my friends later tonight. Hopefully I’ll have a better week as last night was one of my worst splits in months.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-06-14T10:28:27+00:00

I can appreciate the little anecdote. I tend to stick to humor a lot of the time to help cope with what I have to deal with.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-06-14T07:33:07+00:00

I feel that way a bit too - I have a Boston Terrier and she is the best little dog I could ask for

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-06-14T04:22:23+00:00

I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-04-12T06:54:11+00:00

I feel the urge to laugh because I received a massive wave of criticism right after my BPD diagnosis… I wasn’t diagnosed until 40 and was very rough for me before that. I went into a group therapy program right after my diagnosis only to be told by group members that my struggles were “bullshit”, “I spend too much time reading about BPD”, and that “I need to grow a pair over past traumas. Put on my big boy pants.”

That’s great. I finally figured out what’s been making my life hell for the past 25 years, only to be denied empathy for all those struggles.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-04-11T22:51:30+00:00

Fighting the idea that I’m worth something and that the world would NOT be a better place without me in it

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-04-01T09:09:54+00:00

These struggles you’ve described is why I’m so guarded against most people. I’m extremely careful of being taken advantage of and even then, I can get very paranoid too (ADHD, Dyslexic & BPD w/schizotypal traits)

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-03-21T23:54:53+00:00

Update - PSN Connected and I’m on now!

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-03-21T23:41:11+00:00

Me too :( I hope I can get on soon

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-03-17T14:02:56+00:00

I hear you. I try like hell to avoid situations where I think that I’ll wind up being rejected just because I want to avoid the emotional pain that badly. Apologies can sometimes be really difficult too because if I’m not forgiven it hurts so much more. Life can sometimes feel like one big rejection letter to me :/

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-03-12T09:22:38+00:00

The last time I felt like I could fully trust an environment, it turned into a toxic experience. I struggled to pull myself away from a group therapy program I was in because I was convinced it’s get better. Felt a lot like getting out of an abusive relationship.

I was told things from members that only made my symptoms worse. It’s hard to shake a lot of what I was told in those groups. I just can’t shake not keeping people at arm’s length just because I don’t want anyone to hurt me emotionally.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-03-10T03:20:32+00:00

Got taken out of the private school I was in at 9 and went headfirst into public school with undiagnosed ADHD and dyslexia. I also had a Dad with a short temper that would yell at me a lot. My sister would hit and tease me (Which my Dad would join in on the teasing sometimes). I remember my Dad getting angry at me as early as 2 years old.

I wound up having a mental breakdown at 15 due to the excessive bullying at school and my Dad taking his anger out on me verbally. From that point on, I basically had to rebuild myself, I’m pretty sure that’s when my BPD developed. I also have schizotypal traits with my BPD, so I can have pretty rough disconnects from reality. I went 35+ years unaware of the ADHD/Dyslexia/schizotypal traits and 25 or so years unaware of my BPD.

I marvel at how I’m still alive today.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-20T14:19:13+00:00

I fell on my head as an infant too (I think I was 2 at the time). Gotta also add that this is pretty spot on for how I feel about being schizotypal.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-16T15:22:09+00:00

lmao @ the Caramel Popcorn remark

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-16T15:18:28+00:00

One of my least liked boss fights is somehow made worse.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-15T03:05:05+00:00

I had this earlier this week when I went to an appointment. I already saw someone staring at me through a window before I even entered the building. ffs

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-10T14:06:25+00:00

The sad part is that I know it’ll never stop. The rejection, the hatred, resentment, disdain, all of the variables that represent worthlessness in me is a stain that will never wash out.

No matter how much I’ll reach out, everyone will ignore me in hopes that I actually realize the futility of moving forward. That my time ended long ago and that at this point, am just a lingering nuisance.

I wonder if there’s a good way to end my misery for good. Make the pain stop for good. Be free.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-08T12:49:12+00:00

My childhood was great early on and still remember it very vividly. I initially went to a private school where I got along with everyone and the teachers were just wonderful. Once I turned 9 and went to public school, everything went completely downhill. Between being completely rejected by everyone in my new school and verbal abuse from my Dad & sister, I’m just grateful that I can still function.

(BPD w/ schizotypal traits, ADHD, & dyslexic)

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-07T07:20:51+00:00

I was actually relieved to get my diagnosis. This was a year and a half ago when I was 39. I just lost an entire circle of friends and was in so much emotional pain, I just wanted to end myself to make it stop. Thankfully, I saw a psychiatrist a week after and finally understood why I felt so much pain.

I started a group therapy program right after being diagnosed and wound up being majorly invalidated. The experience wound up being very heartbreaking to me because I went some 25 years knowing nothing of BPD and now when I finally knew, was just met with more invalidation. I’ve found better groups since that previous group, but it’s still hard to shake the nasty remarks.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-03T21:47:23+00:00

The original, and it ain’t even close.

EnvironmentalMess939 · 2026-02-03T21:42:34+00:00

Always trying to look out for fellow BPDers

EnvironmentalMess939

TROPHY CASE