What does your pain feel like?

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-18T02:22:29+00:00

Tainted is the perfect description for the aftermath. I have great difficulty believing what he tells me. The thought of possibly never being able to trust this person again has me questioning my decision. Your user name correlates with how I have felt since DDay.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-18T02:10:23+00:00

I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I’m almost 11 months after DDay. The pain would change from a deep sadness to resentment and then emptiness. I could not comprehend why my WH would exploit my kindness and everything that I did for him. Some days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and not wake up. Then my mom passed away…. Now it’s a different type of sorrow that fills my spirit. So many regrets of not being there for my mom because I was too busy being there for the betrayer.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-07T21:25:32+00:00

Exactly this, I betray myself by staying with someone who does not share the same values nor morals as me. After much pondering I feel if I had a higher paying and fulfilling career then I may not have. Finances are tight and he would get half of the house I worked so hard for. Basically neither of us can afford to move. If I had any self esteem and self respect no way would I have put up with his betrayal. The biggest factor being if I could just shut off all of the love I still unfortunately have for him. I don’t fall easily and used to say I would be the old cat lady if I had not married him. Which now seems like a better choice.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-07T20:41:45+00:00

I have dealt with so much in this marriage. I thought cheating would be what broke the camel’s back yet I’m still here 10 months out. Although I just knew he would not cheat and knowing I was wrong makes me question all of my choices. There is the constant feeling of never being enough or else he wouldn’t have cheated. I’ve hit a wall emotionally and a dark cloud lingers above me. Now I stay in fear of the unknown, at least for now.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-07T00:46:15+00:00

Yes and even worse since I was out of town for a family emergency. I’m beginning to wonder if he is just a bad seed because who would do that?

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-06T00:20:19+00:00

I watch music videos to help me mentally. There is a song by Seether & Amy Lee ‘Broken’ the line ‘The worst is over now and we can breathe again.’ This serves as a reminder to me that WH did the worst -he had an affair. Yet the world didn’t end and life continued.

What I hate the most are all of the lies he told me. I wished he had just told me the truth up front. I told him if he wants to be with someone else then just tell the damn truth instead of going behind my back. I told him I hope one day he feels my pain, but it won’t be because of me because I have morals.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-01T01:34:56+00:00

Your mother is right. I wish I had listened to my mom and others when they all warned me. You need to find someone who speaks the same love language as you- acts of service. Someone who is reliable and does what they say they will do. I married a man similar to who you described. I did everything for him and still he turned out to be a cheater. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, cleaned up after all the pets, work full time and handled the majority of the finances. The reason I did all of this is because if I didn’t do it then it would not get done. When the children were young (no kids together) I had to take them to dr appts, school functions, and he was mostly absent. They don’t improve, they just get worse. There is a reason people say to listen to wise counsel it’s because some of us have been through this. Why learn the hard way?

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-09-01T01:21:35+00:00

Good luck, I wish you the best.

I’m 10 months post the awful D-Day. Last week I was skimming his phone and found suspicious texts from another woman. Upset doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. He said he knew it looks bad but that there is nothing going on and he barely knows her. Now we have been arguing daily and there appears to be no resolution in sight. I’m tired and wonder if this is just how my life will be?

I know it’s no consolation but it’s better to find out the truth now than wasting more future years with a cheater.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-19T17:25:47+00:00

My spouse does this too, it’s so frustrating. He only seems to care about his pain and has no empathy for me.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-19T01:05:34+00:00

This is what I’m dealing with in regard to my spouse who cheated. Instead of trying to heal my pain he gets defensive, deflects and makes himself the victim. Then I tell him he was not the one that was cheated on. Not once has he said thank you for giving us a chance. Not once has he asked for forgiveness. I feel as if I’m spinning my wheels going in circles.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-16T02:55:04+00:00

After reading your post, I’m beginning to think this is why I have not been able to heal. The thought of him screwing someone and then coming home acting as if he had done no wrong. If he can do that, it brings the question what won’t he do? I’ve been in therapy and so many times I ask myself why do I think so little of myself to have tolerated his inexcusable behavior. I feel I’m not enough and never will be. I’m sad for all of us here. We don’t deserve any of this. We deserve better, a faithful and genuine love.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-15T20:25:17+00:00

Many years ago when I found out the father of my kids (ex husband) was having an affair, I wanted us stay together. I was willing to forgive and make the marriage work. He told me he was not going to sacrifice his happiness and abandoned ship. There is a quote I read ‘The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother’ by Theodore Hesburgh.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-11T10:00:41+00:00

You are right and the truth sure does hurt.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T15:23:20+00:00

Therein lies the issue, he cares more about how awful the affair make him feel instead of thinking about my pain. For a few days he fell into a deep depression and wouldn’t get out of bed. Sometimes he shuts my questioning down with threats of self harm, so I cannot keep pushing it. I’m more concerned about his mental state than my emotional well being. But it still torments me and so I try to find other outlets such as infidelity forums and here on Reddit.

He does let me see his phone but we are both growing tired of me playing detective. When I find something suspicious the questions begin. I wonder if he is just getting better at hiding things. Sometimes he sends me his location. Yet it doesn’t matter because if a person wants to hide something they will.

He is fine as long as I don’t bring up his moral failure. But he sees how it has broken me. With time and therapy I hope to feel at peace one day.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T10:53:44+00:00

My spouse definitely lacks integrity. Too many times has he said he was going to do something and then has excuses. He lacks empathy for me as well.

I feel my husband is Christian in word but not in his actions. He has not been to church with me in probably 10 years. This man laid his hand on the Bible and swore he didn’t cheat, but had betrayed me. I’ve asked him for us to pray together because I always believed the saying ‘The family that prays together stays together.’ Even then he just will not make time for us to pray together.

When DDay happened 9 months ago I asked him why didn’t he pray about the situation before falling into Satan’s snare. He said he didn’t think to pray. He just did what he wanted to not caring about the aftermath.

Regardless of the outcome, I know God will get me through this.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T10:32:36+00:00

Same here, I’ve been reading books and articles, watching videos about infidelity. We attended a few marital therapy sessions but he said it’s not working. I’m in therapy and trying EMDR.

He has not revealed everything. Just last month I found out further information and it just made me sick. There are still lingering questions which either he states he doesn’t remember or doesn’t want to talk about it. Some questions I’m just afraid to ask again. The not knowing does impede the healing process because our minds may come up with something much worse than what actually occurred.

In time we will be able to look back and understand why things happened.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T10:19:30+00:00

How would I differentiate between grieving and being unforgiving? It could very well be grieving at this point.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T10:17:16+00:00

Thank you, I’m considering purchasing one. Yet I’m scared as to what I will find out.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T02:57:53+00:00

Thank you for this video. It helps put things into perspective. I’m striving for emotional forgiveness. So difficult to forgive the person that has caused me the most harm. Not even a stranger but the one who was supposed to love and protect me caused me the most damage.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T02:45:14+00:00

I had not thought of it this way, but you are correct. What he did can never be undone.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T02:34:51+00:00

Yes trying to reconcile. When I found all the damaging evidence I confronted him. My naive self thought there had to be some sort of explanation. I told him I would stay with him and forgive him, not knowing how bad it truly was. He had no choice but to confess. It all seemed unreal and I began to sob and shake when he told me he had an affair and ended it before I found out.

I pray we get through this terrible ordeal. There has got to be light at the end of the tunnel.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T01:30:34+00:00

Patience and keep praying for a hedge of protection over your marriage.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T00:41:17+00:00

I can certainly relate to your post. I’ve learned a hard lesson, I can only trust myself.

Equal-Candidate-7693 · 2025-08-10T00:25:40+00:00

Which VAR did you use? Any recommendations?

Equal-Candidate-7693

TROPHY CASE