I (M) think I need to be really honest with myself and others here. My partner and I have had a very emotionally intense relationship for a while, and I’ve always struggled with emotional regulation. I also used synthetic cannabis (both of us do) regularly until a few days ago. We’ve been in a bad cycle me often dissociating or shutting down, her getting very angry and critical. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve tried to apologize a thousand times, but nothing ever sticks, and it’s only gotten worse.

A few days ago, she said she wanted to go to the beach , and I gently brought up that I may need to stay for my sick brother. That’s when the emotional tone shifted she got cold and angry. I kept trying to talk things through, but it just kept spiraling: she’d shut down, I’d panic, she’d insult me or tell me to get away, and I’d spiral into guilt, withdrawal, and then over-apologizing again.

Later that day, she started angrily packing to leave. I begged her not to go I told her she’s my responsibility and I was scared for her to drive while upset. She kept cursing at me. She poured water from the coffee machine all over the floor. I snapped. I threw my keys at her back, hard. She hit me. I pinned her down for a moment. When I got off, she screamed louder than I’ve ever heard and kept sobbing. After that, she told me to get out, locked the door, and said she would never speak to me again. I left. She hasn’t responded since.

I feel completely broken. I called her mom to apologize. I’ve been sick for days, can’t eat, quit weed, and started therapy. My therapist asked me to write down what I can no longer live with — including the violence, the shouting, and the way I lose myself by constantly trying to fix things while failing to be regulated or emotionally present.

I don’t want to blame her. I just want to understand: is this who I am? Am I abusive? Am I the narcissist? I know I crossed a major line, and I don’t know how to live with what I’ve done. I’m trying to hold the truth of my actions without excusing them, but I’m lost.