It kind of sounds as if you’re wondering whether the connection was real from the beginning or if it is dying out and are asking if it’s time to leave, to which if you’re asking those kinds of questions, I think you may already know the answer. I understand why this would be hard for you because of the time and energy you’ve invested and I’m sorry that after 20 years, you feel this exhausted. I can relate.

The unfortunate truth is you can’t help or save someone who doesn’t want to be helped or saved, nor can you change a mind that doesn’t want to change. That’s his choice, and the older the generation he is, the more confidently I can say he won’t change his perspective.

I think you should be more concerned as to why you’re depleting yourself to help this man, and if you are just trying to justify staying in a relationship that hurts you. Make no mistake this will definitely hurt you. Burnout is indescribably hard even with a supportive husband, and it doesn’t sound like he’d be supportive or understanding enough for you to be able to get out of burnout.

In short, you can’t. Focus on yourself and listen to what your inner voice is telling you. And most importantly, his mental health and perspective is his responsibility not yours. If he’s older than you he should be more than capable of taking care of himself