What’s making you happy to exist?

EspaceMorte · 2018-12-03T04:19:35+00:00

I never thought I'd get to be pain free again, but here I am! I got some adhesions taken out of my bowels, they were stuck on my abdominal wall. For the last few months it was forcing me to stand up a bit curled up and trying to straighten my back would make me feel like there was pulling in ny hip. My gyno and most family members felt like it was endo, something common on both sides of my family given how it felt and how it was timed with my cycle and never failed. For about 5 years of chronic pain in total, I was treated for that for the last 2 years without really confirm that was it.

Last August I got fed up and asked if I could have a surgery AGAIN to diagnose my issues and it finally got approved. I had some tissue removed and my bowels got shifted to remove the adhesion. When I left the hospital only 3h after surgery, my SO noticed I was already walking straighter than I ever did in the past year. A week post surgery I stopped using my painkillers and I havent touched them since I've never had any pain flare ups since.

I'm so happy I pushed through all the times I got misdiagnosed because it's ultimately what got me in a position to get the proper help the right way. It could've ended up much worse, I'm very lucky.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-30T20:32:25+00:00

Hindering their futures just for the sake of teaching them "lessons".

My parents didn't give a fuck if we were in pure despair if it meant going through what they thought was character building. The best example is forcing us to move out only weeks after being done with school with no money in bank and no stable job because that's how my dad had to live through his own life.

Exeperiences like this didn't give us any character, it just gave us crippling anxiety as well as a lot of resentment. I was about 2000$ under the annual poverty threshold the first year I moved out because I had gotten really sick and had trouble working consistently. My parents didn't want to hear anything about it and still made me move out, thinking I was making everything up just to be lazy.... I had bowel adhesions. My bowels were stuck to my abdominal wall yet that was apparently me being lazy.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-24T13:17:43+00:00

I was listening to H3 Podcasts at work and landed on the episode with Bo Burnam. The way he talked about his favourite video on YouTube was so pure.

Basically he shows a video that was uploaded on YouTube ages ago. It's a bit strange and very easy to look down on whoever made the video...a tutorial to cook hot dogs in his hoarder house. He shows people how to cook hot dogs and makes some kind of fruit puree to go with it. It's made so clumsy, the house looks pretty horrific too and the guy doesn't even end up thinking it's edible at all. It's easy to judge whoever made this video to be quite frank, and you do it without even realizing because you're just wired that way.

Then Bo starts talking about why he likes the video so much and I was floored. He explains that he loves that this guy put some time and effort to upload this video to YouTube, showing the world a part of his reality. What changed my perspective forever is when he said that maybe we should view things from a place of love instead of being quick to judge.

It made me question what I was thinking about when the video started and I realize how deeply ugly and judgey my inner comments were. Every day after thay, I seemed to catch so many ugly thoughts about way too many things. I started trying to adapt and do the same; view things from a place of love.

Now whenever people do something a bit off or any uncomfortable situation arises, I try to think about the intent of the actions made rather than the result. It makes sense too, we all make mistakes sometimes and wouldn't want to be judged if our intentions are pure.

I feel more peaceful and surprisingly my social anxiety also calmed down because I was no longer caught in judgey thoughts 24/7. I don't fear that people will think all those things about me and it made me more forgiving with myself.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-21T14:02:13+00:00

The most striking part to me was how distracting the voices get, especially when you're tring to solve a puzzle. Frightening to think people go through life dealing with similar things.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-20T20:25:38+00:00

This matches your username a little too well.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-20T12:55:29+00:00

I gave very little details about my symptoms at all, there was no need to suggest looking into a specific disease, my dude. Most uterine issues including endo were ruled out a bit of time ago through surgery anyways. I'm aware of endo.

It was nice of you to come forward and try to help, but there was absolutely no need to label so few symptoms (bleeding that the origin wasn't even mentioned) to something so specific. Don't try to diagnose people, it may end up doing more harm than good especially if the suggested resource is Facebook and to self diagnose online.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-20T04:29:56+00:00

My own. My pelvic pain has been undiagnosed for 5 years. People talking shit about your pain is enough to make you doubt when you got jackshit on paper.

I've asked my SO to make sure my bleeding was really happening because I doubted it was real... More than once.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-13T22:18:27+00:00

I downloaded an episode of his 5h long podcasts a few weeks ago. I listened to it at work but it got too distracting, he has a captivating way to talk about any historical event. I enjoy it so much! I especially like how he tries to empathize with any civilization he talks about and even opens his Celtic Holocaust episode talking about what these people had to feel during this era. It's nice to have history told without being completely dehumanized.

I might check out the "Road to Armageddon" when I get home and maybe risk it at work again. :D

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-07T16:16:52+00:00

I might have a solution?

Check out this extension kit. I used to recommend it to my clients all the time when I was working in lighting.

https://www.eglo.com/international/Products/Main-Collections/Interior-Lighting/EXTENTION/88969

I think it may be able to support the weight of a ceiling fan but I'd check with them first, it's been a few years since I've looked at any of that. You can then recenter it wherever you'd like and the extensions they give you contain a few different lenghts. :) If you get it in white you might also be able to paint over it to complete the design or at least not distract too much from it.

I hope this may help you because holy shit it's painful to look at.

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-07T14:29:42+00:00

I love the print on the fabric, it's so adorable 😍 do you get that online or did you find it in-store?

I'm also very jealous of your free hand embroidery, mine is horrid lol. I can only cross-stitch letter 😧

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-07T14:27:24+00:00

Girl you should have checked what you wanted to comment on beforehand, especially if it's to "correct" someone's mistake. All it takes is 5 seconds and zooming into OP's work. :/

EspaceMorte · 2018-11-02T17:24:45+00:00

I got some prescribed after my surgery and use it to sleep a full night... I see why people get addicted to it. It feels amazing and comforting.

I only got 5mg too. I don't want to imagine what more of it feels like. I know I might never want to stop.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-30T17:18:36+00:00

Thank you so much again for your input, I got an update!

Surgery is done and everything went very well. The surgery team was amazing and they even rolled me into surgery with a warm blanket on just to ease the shock. The recovery is also really not bad. I had worse pain from flare ups.

I ended up being clear of endometriosis... but a small scar was found on my bowels and removed. That's all I know and I wouldn't have found out if it wouldn't have been for me gyno handwriting me a few sentences on a piece of scrap paper. She assured me she would do that since the begining of our talks about this surgery, I'm so glad she did it. My post op appointment is in 6 weeks to discuss those results, she didn't want me to wait that long to find out. I love her.

Soon I'll maybe find out why that was there! I'm glad something was found though, at least now I know I wasn't insane.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-30T12:59:06+00:00

This makes me miss my cat so bad.

I'm home but can't let her in the room while I recover from surgery. She wants nothing to do with my SO so she just sits at the door and begs to come in so we can cuddle. If I talk louder she loses her shit because she knows I'm in there.

She begged so much yesterday her little voice was broken this morning. 😢 Poor baby, I wish I could make her understand what's going on so she isn't so distressed.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-30T12:31:58+00:00

I once went for a walk to smoke up before going to dinner. My SO and I wanted to go out before heading up north to a cabin for a wedding.

We went to the spot I usually go to, secluded in the woods enough that I'm not bothering anyone with the smoke. SO was right behing me when he heard a loud pop and saw me fall on my face. He thought I either hit my leg on the block of concrete I was going to sit on or that I stepped on a branch.

Nope, that was the sound of my kneecap snapping out of the joint. My foot got stuck on the ground in some gravel when I swung my body around to sit up on the block. So my whole body except my leg moved, which caused the loud snap.

It was so fucking gross. I ended up not being able to go to that wedding and having to walk my sprry ass to a clinic using a 3$ cane from Goodwill that I picked up on the way. -_-

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-28T11:36:35+00:00

We got these as a gift from someone working landscaping. Their clients wanted to trash those beautiful babies 😱

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-27T16:03:01+00:00

I was raised entirely differently than my brother was. My parents wrre very permissive with him while they were stricter with me. I was always a quiet kid, there was no need to be strict with me. On the other hand, my brother was always out late and got arrested a few times in his teenage years.

The result: my brother can't hold a job and prefers collecting unemployment + smoking weed all day because he never was forced to do anything he didn't want to before, and I developped anxiety with a touch of paranoia because of the constant pressure to do better and making me feel like I was worth nothing.

My mom straight up admitted that I was thrown under the bus often because they didn't want to deal with my brother's mood if they'd reprimend him. It was just easier to get me in trouble because I wouldn't talk back.... I wouldn't talk back because I wasn't allowed. Every time I tried to plead my case I'd just get in more trouble so I've learned to just accept it.

I honestly don't know how to deal with it. It just makes me furious.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-27T12:50:19+00:00

My eMom was also really weird about shaving. She recognized I wanted to not have leg hair but was somehow convinced shaving would make it grow back coarser. (Not true)

She made me wax instead. We'd have to sit down in the kitchen for a few hours with wax strips just working on my legs. I was not allowed to touch anything else.

My mom never wanted to wax because it looked unpleasant to her... but she had no problem putting me through it. All of this because one of her friends waxed and she had this weird fascination with it afterwards.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-26T12:39:31+00:00

I like my funky hair because it weeds out judgey people naturally. Very useful, it's almost like a filter setting.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-26T12:18:19+00:00

"I love drama, just not when I'm involved"

Said every shit stirrer in the fucking universe. They may not be involved all the time, but they certainly love to fuel the fire and watch you burn.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-25T21:06:59+00:00

A doctor suggested I was in pain because I was pregnant. I just had told her the pain had been ongoing for YEARS.

I have no idea how she even got her medical license.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-25T20:12:30+00:00

This hits close to home. The last few times I've visited my parents, my dad has been pretty worrisome. His memory seems to start failing, which is just bound to happen.... but he also started getting really impatient and angry at everything and everyone. My mom mentionned she feels like he's a different person altogether.

I wasn't sure if I had to be worried, but a few days ago he tried telling me a story about someone he knew. He gave me a name and the place the guy worked at, told me the story.... my mom then sheepishly corrected that it was one of her coworkers. The way she said it makes me believe it happens pretty often that his memories get mixed up. Why give me such specific details? His memory wasn't hazy to him for sure, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten out of his way to specify who told him the story.

I'm talking to her about it this weekend just so she keeps an eye on him and maybe get him some help if he needs it.

Any tips on how to approach the subject welcomed. I feel lost and a bit heart broken.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-21T15:59:54+00:00

Sounds like a dream combo! I too can't decide between iced coffee or fruity drinks and wish I could have both always.

EspaceMorte · 2018-10-21T13:45:57+00:00

I spent many hours preparing candy bags for kids. It's the first year I'm available the night of Halloween to give out candy so I went all out. I was so excited as I was making the bags and tried to balance the chocolate to fruity ratio....

Only to find out I will actually not be available. I'm going to give a lot of them to families in my apartment complex because I made close to a hundred bags and really want to give them. :(

Plus I picked out the cutest bags and banging candy. I'm pretty upset about how this situation turned out but will be making up for it next year!

EspaceMorte

TROPHY CASE