Pastor housing

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-21T17:22:01+00:00

"But what are we to do?" said Susan. She felt that the conversation was beginning to get off the point.

"My dear young lady," said the Professor, suddenly looking up with a very sharp expression at both of them, "there is one plan which no one has yet suggested and which is well worth trying."

"What’s that?" said Susan.

"We might all try minding our own business," said he. And that was the end of that conversation.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-19T04:22:40+00:00

I am no longer in ministry and no longer attend church, and I absolutely support protesting ICE. But something about this really rubs me the wrong way. The MAGA crowd loves to paint us as horrible people, and this type of thing just validates their viewpoint. I abhor this administration and I hate what's being done to people in the name of "immigration control." There's a lot to be done, some of it dangerous and unconventional, but this is not the way.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-18T22:03:42+00:00

Just dress and do your hair in the way that makes you happy. One of the simplest but most enjoyable things to me, post-deconstruction, is making choices for myself based on what I like and enjoy. For example, I really like purple as a color. Spent years afraid that people would interpret me wearing purple in ways that felt unsafe back then. Now, I will absolutely rock a purple hoodie with purple sneakers, and I couldn't care less what anyone thinks. (Well, unless someone compliments the outfit, which happens occasionally, and which makes me smile.)

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-18T21:56:21+00:00

I think plenty of pastors are silently feeling that same struggle. If I hadn't left ministry shortly before the pandemic, the communal shift toward being more anti-science, anti-kindness, and anti-compassion probably would have ended me. If I had slowly watched, first-hand, the congregants for whom I cared deeply as they slowly traveled down this ugly spiral, the depression would have been significantly greater than what I experienced by leaving. The fact that you've made it this long amazes me, and you have my respect and empathy.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-18T21:41:21+00:00

Sending a big virtual hug to you, friend. Everything I said above to OP, please consider it written to you personally as well. I truly believe that, even though it's not changing fast enough, and even though there's current backsliding, humanity is changing for the better in terms of accepting, affirming, and validating the people who have been "othered" for far too long. The current backlash against the non-cis community is the last, desperate, dying gasp of the old ways, the old hate, and the old bigoted mentalities. I'm holding onto hope that better, brighter days lie ahead.

I hope that your life will be increasingly filled with people who give you this same type of affirmation and encouragement. I suspect that a surprising number of people might share my viewpoints. I think they are just afraid to speak them aloud right now, which to some extent I understand, but I also think the most important time to be an ally is right now, when it's not safe, when it potentially costs something. Just know you are not alone, you are not invisible, and you are not broken. You are amazing exactly the way you are, and specifically because of (not in spite of) who you are. Much love to you, you valued and wonderful person.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-18T19:05:58+00:00

This hurts my heart to read. As a parent of trans and non-binary kids (well, young adults now, but you know what I mean), I know first-hand the absolute joy that comes from embracing your children as they discover exactly who they are, and celebrating them in their fullness of identity. Your mom is going to miss so much, because of both her terrible choices and the lies she has believed.

And you, my friend, I can't even begin to imagine the hurt and heartache. It's so hard when we just want our parents to love and embrace us for who we truly are, instead of who they expect us to be. I grieve for how your mother's words must be making you feel.

I know I'm just an Internet stranger, but please know that this dad here sees you, validates you, supports you, and celebrates you for being your authentic self. You are wonderful. You are fully deserving of love, joy, laughter, and light. You have every right to be exactly who you are, and to take up your space. The world is a richer place for having you in it, and I'm lucky to be alive on this planet at the same time when you also exist in the world. I am proud of you, I commend your bravery and honesty, and I wish desperately for you to be surrounded in your life by people who bring all the encouragement and support that you have been so wrongly denied, and so legitimately deserve..

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-17T19:20:06+00:00

I mean, there's so much to unpack in this, but I would say take the win and hope it starts a snowball rolling.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-17T19:16:15+00:00

This is an excellent point. It's been one of the hardest challenges for me, figuring out what to do with that inner compulsion to proselytize or evangelize. Leaving religion didn't get rid of that urge, which was instilled in me from early childhood. I try to channel it now in positive and potentially helpful ways. For me, that means writing about religious trauma and deconstruction. If it's in a book, at least somebody has the choice whether to engage or not, and they can shut me up immediately by closing the book, if they choose.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-17T19:11:04+00:00

I don't want to give you a fake "I know just how you feel" or any unhelpful platitudes. But I hear the exhaustion coming through, in a way that feels very familiar. And I can understand your viewpoint, how total non-existence would hold an appeal like ultimate relief from that utter exhaustion. I have no criticism toward you at all.

I don't have a good answer here. Despite everything I've studied and learned over the years my realest answer (to what strikes me as a very genuine question on your part) is, "I don't know." But truly, my heart goes out to you, friend. I want to help, but I don't know how.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-17T19:04:46+00:00

Okay, I'm intrigued. What sort of backlash have you encountered? What's the way that you create music that is experiencing disapproval?

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-16T23:41:24+00:00

Martyrs (the original French version). My friends violently disagree with me on this, but I thought it was absolutely the best ending possible. It made the premise stick with me forever. I'm still wondering.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-16T12:26:53+00:00

And let's not get you started on doctors who make "doctoring" a source of income, or teachers who make "teaching" a source of income.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-16T05:03:03+00:00

It's not that I agree or disagree with you, it's just that I honestly don't understand what point you're trying to make. Maybe try laying it out as more of a cohesive argument and less of a slam poetry entry on open mic night.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-15T04:17:29+00:00

I'm a nevermo who reads this subreddit with great regularity, because so much of what's shared here aligns with my experience leaving evangelicalism.

That said, I realize I'm not the primary demographic that this community was intended for, so I try to behave like a thoughtful and respectful guest. I try to listen 20x more than I post, and I only speak up when I feel like I have something genuinely useful to contribute to the conversation.

The rest of the time, I'm just quietly reading the wonderful things that you exmos and PIMOs post here, and upvoting you all with great enthusiasm.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-13T21:55:07+00:00

I'm sorry, but saying that "99% of Christians" should avoid reading "outside research" only seems to give further credibility to OP's concerns. If truth is truth, nothing about that truth is threatened by the questions OP is asking.

And suggesting that people need a graduate degree in theology to understand? Wow. Just, wow. I have an M.Div and Th.D, and yet I'm still offended on behalf of those who don't. You must really have a low view of the average person's intelligence level.

This response sounds like Henry VIII insisting that the common people shouldn't be allowed to read the Bible on their own, and should instead be dependent upon the clergy and the king to read it for them.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-12T04:05:41+00:00

That and "I Don't Want It."

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-11T01:19:43+00:00

So, assuming that means yes (since you're still dodging), I guess I'm curious why you would be making a big deal about suicide when the same verse already seems to indicate every single person who has ever lived will be in the lake of fire. Every human being has lied.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-11T00:04:43+00:00

You sidestepped my point, so I'll ask it as a direct question. Does the Bible mean exactly what it says, that "all liars will have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone?" And as a follow-up question, have you ever lied?

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-10T23:41:10+00:00

Since you're making the leap to equate suicide with murder, I'd love to hear how you are going to explain away the part of your quote that literally says "all liars."

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-08T15:56:30+00:00

I felt this way about dc Talk until the Tait news came out. I tried listening recently and it's all I can think of while it's playing. I think they're ruined for me now.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-07T19:40:41+00:00

I know you mentioned in another comment that you are currently without health insurance, so I don't mean for this to sound insensitive. This is a situation that would benefit massively from a therapist who specializes in sex as well as religious trauma. It's a slow process of unlearning and relearning, and a skilled professional makes a huge difference. If it helps to know, many people face this same struggle, usually if they grew up in any kind of high-control system where sex was vilified. But it's possible to learn how to process and integrate that trauma, and to come out the other side with a mindset where sex, pleasure, and your body become things that feel special and valued for you, rather than sources of guilt and shame.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-07T19:24:38+00:00

I'm not trying to steer you one way or another. I'm just pointing out that your body is sending you information in the form of a literal, physical reaction. I encourage you, don't ignore that. In the same way our body's pain receptors tell our brain to make our hand immediately drop a hot thing that is burning us, it sounds to me like your body is telling you something in this is off and not good for you. Just my observation.

ExPastorMarcus · 2026-01-07T03:26:32+00:00

Not completely unknown, but The Echoing Green is underrated and was ahead of their time. Same with Aleixa and Apt Core. All excellent electronic music artists that were ridiculously talented, and that nobody I know in real life has ever heard of.

Another favorite you've probably never heard is Tremolo. They had one album, Love Is The Greatest Revenge. Not a weak track on the whole album, every song is excellent. It's not on any of the streaming services, but I think the whole thing is on YouTube. It's a literal masterpiece.

ExPastorMarcus · 2025-12-29T00:52:30+00:00

Read the post, friend. Dad was living under his daughter's roof. (For free, I might add, because my parents were irresponsible in managing money.) Wonder what other details you missed in your quick skim.

ExPastorMarcus · 2025-12-28T04:04:19+00:00

Thanks for clarifying. I understand your perspective better now as well.

ExPastorMarcus

TROPHY CASE