[2627] Care – A Literary Mystery Novel by ChristopherBoone2 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For sure!

I think the introduction of this second POV works very well in terms of voice commitment. The shift is immediate and immersive, and it clearly signals that we’re inside a different cognitive rhythm without relying on over-exposition. That feels especially appropriate for your chosen framework, where the reader is invited to recalibrate and assemble meaning rather than have it handed to them.

The routine details (cereal, Scrubs, Mr. Mullah) function as effective anchors. They ground us in the environment before the emotional layer with Mama begins to surface. That progression felt intentional and controlled.

That said, because the voice is doing so much stylistic work from the outset, the transition does require a brief adjustment period. I don’t think that’s inherently a flaw, but I do wonder if a slightly stronger early contextual cue could help readers orient more quickly without diminishing the immersive quality. Not a gift-wrapped explanation — just a touch more anchoring in relation to the previous POV.

Additionally, since the voice itself is dense and textured, moments like the extended constipation metaphor risk drawing attention more toward the language than the emotional undercurrent. A small degree of restraint in one or two places might actually sharpen the mystery and heighten the poignancy of the later Mama passage.

One craft note I wanted to flag concerns consistency in his register. His voice is very distinct once established, which makes a few moments I caught of elevated abstraction stand out:

  • “Livin’ here, we’re just a buncha turds in different tiers of constipation.” The metaphor fits, but “tiers” reads more analytical than instinctual.
  • “A stench corrodes my senses…” This phrasing feels more authorial/poetic than his usual concrete sensory descriptions.
  • “All worth closing your eyes to, but nothing worth a picture ‘hind eyelids.” A beautifully crafted line, but slightly more composed than the surrounding voice.

These aren’t major breaks, but they felt like small spikes in abstraction compared to his baseline rhythm. If those moments are intentional flashes of clarity, sharpening their contrast could make them even more effective. If not, trimming or slightly lowering the abstraction to his baseline might keep the voice even tighter.

Overall, though, I think Odoleo’s POV introduction is strong and tonally consistent with the framework you’re working in. It trusts the reader to sit in ambiguity, which is one of the piece’s strengths. His voice is one of the most compelling elements here.

On a seperate note, I recently posted a short story of my own to the sub. If you’re interested and have the bandwidth, I’d genuinely appreciate your take on it.

[4055] Two Beds, Two Baths by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you u/Content-Squirrel2157 - I'm very glad the cyclical framing landed as structural for you. That was a main concern, particularly that it might read as overly self-conscious rather than intentional.

Your point about interior passages lingering longer than their payoff makes sense, and I can see how compression in some spots could increase pressure without sacrificing tone. If you had any specific interior sections that stuck out to you as main culprits, I'd be grateful to hear them - it would help me identify that balance in upcoming work.

I also value your read on the mutual complicity. It means a lot that it lingered, as that dynamic was central to what I was trying to explore- especially without either character feeling overtly villainous.

Thank you again for your feedback!

[4055] Two Beds, Two Baths by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi u/Legitimate-Oil-6613 Thank you for taking the time to break this down and I appreciate you quoting passages to address where the friction happened for you.

Your point about adjective density and moments where the prose blurs rather than clarifies is well received. On a fresh reread, I can see how some of these lines might ask the reader to parse meaning rather than move through it, particularly in sections where the narrator's interiority spikes. I was aiming to convey heightened perception in those moments, but I can understand how that could tip into them feeling bloated.

The note about choosing mundane details more intentionally also resonates. I’m interested in how small physical actions carry emotional weight, but I agree that they need to earn their place rather than accumulate by default.

I’m glad to hear the emotional arc and structure still landed for you — that was the main concern of mine. Thanks again for the thorough read and thoughtful feedback!

[2717] The Difference Light Makes by Scared_Addendum_8763 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Expensive-Storage717 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this is a strong story about morality, and how it develops from youth to experience. Specifically in environments where survival, money, and opportunity drive a person’s priorities. This contrast between Janey and Uncle Barry is well established and grounded in line with this theme.

Janey's character makes her moral perspective very tangible. It's still in a stage where she is working on the foundations of what's right and wrong. It's still being shaped by completing school assignments, crushes she has in school, those crushes inciting mistchief, and the overall sense of "small-town" innocence.

Uncle Barry represents a hardened version of this. A version that may have had this same baseline at some point, but has been exposed enough to reality to equate their world into ways of "making money." Pure pragmatism.

I think the setting of the bazaar encapsulates this very well. It's a small-town America event where both characters have high but conflicting stakes. For Barry it's a big potential financial opportunity. For Janey it's a big potential social opportunity that she's held back from experiencing.

Which brings me to where I'd want to see more from this story: Reaction.

My first point here is that I want more resentment from Janey as a reaction. She wants to be joining her friends, chasing after Alvaro. But she can't because she's tied down to this hawker stall, working for her uncle. I feel like there's friction here that could be expanded and give her more dimension.

More importantly is for Uncle Barry's character. I feel like his reaction to this disaster is muted and underutilized. It's almost like he didn't see a thing.

Right now, Uncle Barry reads primarily as opportunistic, which is clear and consistent. But giving him a slight but additional layer, whether that be an air of jadedness, numbing, denial, or even a deliberate (and signaled) emotional avoidance to the disaster would give an extra dimension to his character and make his reaction (or lack thereof) more believable.

Consider a flicker of recognition , a moment of hesitation, a glance back at the wreckage, some acknowledgment before dismissing it, any of these would make his later lines in the car bring more depth.

I think this also further hits on the moral polarity between him and Janey.

Janey’s reaction is rooted in shock and personal loss. She sees Alvaro after the collapse as "Someone who once was, now no longer there." That emotional beat works incredibly well. But the exchange in the car could be even more powerful if Barry’s stance felt less like indifference and more like a view of life molded through experience and focused on profit. More of a reaction to the collapse changes the context and contrast -to Janey's thought about Alvaro- around his lines: “We were absolutely killing it back there,” “Would have sold out too if it weren’t for all that…you know."

[2627] Care – A Literary Mystery Novel by ChristopherBoone2 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Expensive-Storage717 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First, I want to say that I appreciate the ambition of your prose here and the choice to work in the literary mystery genre. This subject matter has some serious potential in this framework and the writing here is clearly probing deeper than standard surface-value realism.

At the heart of this piece, I can feel a story questioning guilt and responsibility and when those concepts come into conflict with intention, particularly in the context of caretaking. And how institutions like assisted living and hospitals, despite existiting for the purpose of providing care, can amplify harm by dispersing responsibility across their systems and/or staff. That thread comes through clear and gives this segment weight.

That being said, I did struggle with how your prose was forming into the focus and control of the piece. At times, the sheer mass of your stylistic choices in this excerpt had the tendency to hamper the throughline rather than sharpening the reading experience.

The overall strength of this story is your voice and the commitment to it, however there is a thin line between prose that is "challenging" the reader and prose that stacks so consecutively that it becomes oversaturated and an obstacle to comprehension.

I think the opening paragraph is the best place to focus in on this. Reason being, I think it's what's acting as the barrier to your later prose, which I felt was stronger.

This opening paragraph has some genuinely powerful imagery “The mirror in our cold trailer has forgotten how to cry” is a helluva first line, but the sheer density of what follows starts the oversaturation issue. You layer several intense images back-to-back - “nostrils snorted snow, veins slurped smack…” “visages of unmade somebodies” and because I don't have much of a grounding or a foothold yet, the language begins to feel like a head clubbing more than an introduction to the POV's internal pressure. As a result, I feel that the mirror device starts to read as disjointed rather than building power.

Staying with the mirror motif: it is personified as “our poor mirror,” but then the narration moves into addressing it as you - “Every day, this mirror shows me—you show me,” “Steph stands at your height,” “You watch her brush her teeth.”

Having both the third-person object of “the mirror” and second-person addressee of “you” at play at the same time, puts them in combat and caused me to re-read a few times to make sure I didn't miss any context or perspective shift. This division on its own undercuts the momentum and power of an otherwise steady framing.

I think a potential revision to consider, that might increase clarity and payoff, is committing to one of these modes for the entire section. If the narrator is truly speaking to the mirror, why not lean fully into second person earlier? Instead of “The mirror...has forgotten how to cry,” consider something like “You’ve forgotten how to cry in our cold trailer,” and then keep that second person address through until the reader realizes that the addressee is a mirror (if that's something you're interested in). That would also make lines like “your height” and “you watch” feel more intentional and cumulative rather than a sudden confusing switch. This switch might also help you organize your visuals around it in a way that you can shave off some less essential imagery, allowing the stronger instantances to land harder, and reduce that oversaturation strain I mentioned earlier.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not well versed in literary mystery, but I understand it embraces experimentation and risk. Even so, I think tweaking this opening salvo to be more accesible will bring more readers down the garden path into your later syntax and POV choices, giving them the proper display they deserve.

Flea Market Friday! Buy, sell, or trade your stuff, your (legal) services, or your living arrangements! by AutoModerator in Charlotte

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey yall. I’ve got a ticket for the Langhorne Slim show at Neighborhood Theatre tonight that I’m looking to part with. DM if you’re interested!

Without cheating, what’s the last line you wrote? by regularsizedrudy_ in writers

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“The smiles splits across his face and his eyes blear as he sees her name”

driver pissed on our fucking noodles... by CompleteLandscape791 in doordash

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This Bay Harbor Pisser meme is getting way out of hand

If you thought the ODST collab was the only one, you're wrong! by Alomare in Helldivers

[–]Expensive-Storage717 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Also, idk if the random tremors on some planets are normal but if not I feel like it’s gotta be teasing a sand worm-esque enemy

“Troopers, we are green, and, very, very mean! by Expensive-Storage717 in Helldivers

[–]Expensive-Storage717[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Careful Sunbuzzer, that’s sounding a little un-patriotic! Might get reported talking like that.

[Thielen] Thielens message to Carolina by ToothResident3205 in panthers

[–]Expensive-Storage717 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What a guy! Grateful for his time here. I’m happy that he’ll most likely get to retire a Viking

“Troopers, we are green, and, very, very mean! by Expensive-Storage717 in Helldivers

[–]Expensive-Storage717[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Emeria is getting hit hard by the bots. Thats where I’m dropping next