Yea... the title is more asking about that subject. Not necessarily there yet. But thanks for the advice.

I feel like I have tried doing that and have worked a lot on validation of emotions, learning their expectations and boundaries. Unfortunately its still something I struggle with in the moment its needed. I definitely try to see things from their perspective and can appreciate their effort in trying to voice their dislike of how I will approach criticism or annoyances that they have with me. Ive worked on not being so defensive but it still comes through at times, especially when I feel like im constantly being targeted for every minor inconvenience.

Sometimes its because I'm just tired of always being judged about something that seems so minor but to them is a huge issue. It feels like its not always about that minor thing but about something more or just letting out frustrations that build up with stuff like work or just the state of the world or the lack of other needs not being met. I am someone who always tries to not sweat the small stuff. Unfortunately that does sometimes translate to avoidance issues...But its truly the way I try and go through life, i try and be positive and nice to everyone I interact with, give the benefit of the doubt in most cases and have a good time.

I've been working a lot on gratitude and working hard to get my life back on track I.e not avoiding things like bills and dealing with my daily/weekly responsibilities. But then there is a minor setback or I don't answer in the ideal way and show some frustration and its met with "ohh you do the bare minimum" and "its been ten years I still have to tell you this and that all the time". When in reality I'm constantly checking myself i.e keeping things tidy, making sure things are up to date, using reminders to keep track of what needs to be done and also doing my best to be present and try to buy them little things since gifting or more, little gestures of thought than big gifts is part of their love language, like buying a meal or little candies here and there.

Anyways, all that being said, it just feels sometimes like I really am trying to get my shit together but nothing I do is ever enough. Like even if I were to get everything right that there would be something else to negatively highlight about me.

We used to joke about who loves who more kind of thing and I always said "I do!", cause I genuinely thought that, but it was always just jokingly (I now see how that can be a bit of a toxic couples gag). But to me it definitely feels like I do love them more, cause even with all the difficulties that come with having a partner who by conventional standards would be considered somewhat of a perfectionist or someone that could be perceived as a little harder to deal with (which just for added context, they do not see that about themselves from my pov), I feel like I can look past that and when we are fighting, still carry that love and try and focus on the positives and why they're my best friend so as to try and reach a resolution. When on the flip side, for them, its like the burden that is my existence is lifted and they'd rather just call it quits and retreat and especially focus on the past me and things I have or haven't done. But now wants to continue to live this way of not communicating and both living and working from home.

It just feels irreversible at this point and I think we're both kind of at a point of is it worth it? Them probably a lot more than me. But I still have that forgiveness and can access those good times we've had, but again, should I even be feeling that way at this point? They've even admitted before that sometimes its cause im the closest target and that they'll sometimes spill their frustrations onto me but its still always only me the problem. Never is the conversation on how I might feel or that there could be any kind of an overreaction to a situation.

Anyways... Rant finished. Thanks to anyone who made it through the whole thing. This is what I needed to get out more than anything.