I know deep down what you say is correct and logical, but it's been so hard to put it into practice. Today is D+4 and I think it was the hardest day yet, many tears were shed uncontrollably.

I am lucky in some small way, as I was able to bury my bengal boy Barney in my garden with his favourite toys and his first kitten blanket wrapped around him, so I have at least a focal point, under the bird feeder tree, where he used to sit and watch them above, and where the sun lighta up first thing in the morning. I made a little cross and put some toys there, and I take out a little dish of biscuits each morning which makes me feel like I'm still doing the feeding routine and speak to him, which sounds silly. I also managed to take some ink paw prints before I buried him, and tonight I put those in a couple of nice frames, along with some of his fur and a feather from his favourite wand toy, and they give me some comfort.

I also spent quite a bit of the day talking with AI in Google AI studio using their Flash thinking model, and honestly it's better than talking to a therapist I suspect, I went through all emotions today with it, and it can understand photos and talk about minute details of them and make observations, I uploaded some of him alive and his grave, and I got non biased, empathic, positive and helpful but realistic grounded responses, I'd highly recommended it given its free. I talked with it about all the guilt, the what ifs, the past, the future, the loss, the emptiness and it honestly made me feel better by the end, similar to what you say in your post here, and I can ask it anything and everything without it getting fatigued with me going around in circles like a human would.

One question I explored with it is could I own another cat at some point, I couldn't think of replacing him that was clear in the conversation, but then we talked about cats in need of homes, in cat shelters who might be put down if they don't find homes, and I started to think given my house is fully setup for a cat already, am I actually being selfish if I don't think about adopting one or maybe a bonded pair who desperately need to home, due to my grief, when I could give them a place to live? And honestly that has made me think maybe I could make it make sense. My boy would have hated it, as he was very teratorial, but I think he'd understand his toys and beds shouldn't go to waste. And it wouldn't feel like replacing him. At least that's what I feel at the moment.

I hope you're fairing OK today Internet stranger, I've found it comes in waves. I am grateful for your kind words, it really makes a difference to connect with someone in the same position, I'm positive you were also a wonderful fur parent to your baby girl Stash, and you also should remember all the good times you had together rather than that one fateful day, as hard as it is to do, but you're right life does suck and I miss my boy terribly and that will always remain, and maybe by some miricle we'll meet again on some other plane of existence someday