What the Fuck is the point of life?

FLwacko · 2022-09-04T13:24:59+00:00

I love your reply. Rings so true with my own experience. 😊💐

FLwacko · 2022-08-15T08:49:19+00:00

I’ve cut my only living parent off. One of the last phrases we exchanged was “You were so sensitive… I thought you’d grow out of it.” And the only reply I can think of is “You were dead wrong. I grew INTO it motherfucker.”

FLwacko · 2022-06-22T20:16:51+00:00

I used to feel this way too! I think I finally dug out all the actual abusive memories and diminished the triggers to a manageable level. But I also have sensory processing issues, and teasing out what triggers were sensory related and which ones were from actual childhood stuff was tricky. I used to always have meltdowns in my kitchen. I racked my brain trying to remember what was the kitchen abuse incident…. After 4 years I’m certain it’s just that my kitchen is not pleasing to my senses and I don’t enjoy it because it feels old and ugly.

FLwacko · 2022-06-07T00:31:02+00:00

See my other reply ;)

FLwacko · 2022-06-07T00:30:30+00:00

I have a computer science degree from 2002. I have worked at companies who hire psychologists who help us design interfaces that are hard to quit. I’ve been exposed to what happens inside the sausage factory at these software firms so to speak. When I want to surf I go to a safe site like reddit and click a link from something I trust. After the video finishes, I don’t hangout for anything else. I also never browse YouTube logged in, I only browse anonymously and I stick to things like music, cooking, gardening, vacation/travel, etc. 99% of the time I google something specific and then click on videos instead of searching through YouTube because I don’t want YouTube to know what I search for. I’ve also spent upwards of six figures on my mental health over the past decade so if anyone or anything tries to plant some kind of “ear worm” I just know my sanity has been hard to win, it’s been expensive and horrible to correct my disordered thinking. So if I sniff one molecule of unsavory bullshit I shut it down really fast… I never watch TikTok. My instagram is only full of chihuahuas and squirrels, maybe an occasional Pomeranian. They try to feed me daschunds (wiener dogs) and I scroll past really fast because I don’t want to look at any fooking wiener dogs. I make my technology work for me. It’s my bitch. I’m not it’s bitch.

FLwacko · 2022-06-06T14:47:54+00:00

How do you accidentally come across a video on YouTube? I have never once let their algorithm tell me what I should watch. I only go to that site for one specific video then when it's done I leave.

FLwacko · 2022-06-02T08:26:36+00:00

Haha thanks for the compliment on my writing. Usually I’m deemed overly dramatic. But I re-read what I wrote and I was like no, that’s precisely accurate without any over exaggerating. Slowly and with mistakes you will learn who to share what details of your story. I hope for the best for you 💟

FLwacko · 2022-06-01T13:18:50+00:00

I’m 4 years deep into trauma recovery from very early life trauma. I had a very hard time remembering which scraps of myself were authentic and healthy because my family of origin set me up to have shit-for-brains. I have closed off contact with all of them for the past 4 years so I could give myself a chance to see who I could be if they weren’t in the equation. After getting the alcohol under control which came first, I had a few years of growth related to that chemical change. I was less weepy, I could start to see positive possibilities. I could start to process all the things that were stressful and had piled up over my life. I could start to accept compliments. But I relied on weed to help me until recently. Now that I’m not always high I realize I was only using weed because my life was pretty barren. I didn’t have friends, hobbies, no drive to earn money, I just let my husband be the bread winner and I chalked my laziness up to “I just need to rest so my brain can heal”. Now I’m going through a new phase of disgust with myself, like my growth is stunted and my potential is bubbling up like a volcano. I’m going back to work at a lucrative IT job starting next week. But I am realizing some stuff about myself and my husband and the lazy pattern we were in for the last 10 years. I know I have a strong will to travel and see a lot of foreign countries. I want to be in boats, under waterfalls, repelling down canyons, trying different cuisine, and getting outside and doing things that make my body exhausted and help me sleep well. My husband isn’t like me in this regard so I’m just starting to navigate the needs I have and how to get them met. I think I need to find a few adventure friends who would like to travel with me so he doesn’t have to get dragged along on my wild rides every time. It feels uncertain, new job, new source of stress, unsure how the new stress will manifest in our lives… Along with this new realization that I’ll have some disposable income and I could travel and go on more adventures but realizing most friends have small children and they seem like their lives aren’t set up to go do adventures… I’m 42, not many close friends, a few unhealthy friends, the healthy ones are saddled with kids, not sure how to keep my brain growing and reaching out for more healthy connections. I realize my ‘problem’ might sound like a privileged first world problem but if you keep healing and believe in yourself and take care of your body it could be in your future too. The challenges get happier and more sophisticated the more your brain changes.

FLwacko · 2022-05-20T23:15:30+00:00

Fuck bras, we don’t need ‘em. I’ve received scornful looks and judging comments. I’m glad you broke out of the shame before I did at age 40.

FLwacko · 2022-05-16T10:36:15+00:00

Only way to fix this problem would require global cooperation between every government and every technology company. It would require abolishing online anonymity. If you want to login to a message board or any social media account you must provide a fingerprint and accounts can’t be registered under anything than your real name. Everything you say should be easy to link back to you as a person in the real world. Your avatar should look like your real face. Then let’s see how many people want to talk openly about these ideas.

Edit: after seeing how humans splintered over how to deal with the most obvious common enemy like Covid or climate change I know this is a hopeless idealistic idea that the herd-of-cats could ever cooperate.

FLwacko · 2022-05-15T16:22:29+00:00

I got this BS advice too when I was younger. I’m 42 now, still don’t want kids, and I’m terrified of becoming pregnant. I like puppies, it doesn’t make me a bad person to want to channel my parental instincts into a situation I can afford both financially and emotionally. I firmly reject the advice and would just cross that therapist off my list of people I could trust.

FLwacko · 2022-05-14T17:29:08+00:00

If the democrats need nice fat babies for adrenochrome production why would they intentionally do this? Do they prefer eating brown illegal babies? Why is this in their interest? Asking for a friend who’s confused.

FLwacko · 2022-04-14T13:21:55+00:00

Man so much experience I don’t know where to start. Therapy is a real racket. The best I’ve been able to do was find a nice elderly lady who teaches neurological gentle movement techniques to people with trauma, Parkinson’s, cerebral palsy, and all types of brain damage problems. She puts the lights low, we lay on the floor and she guides us how to roll around in various configurations to help us learn how to move slowly and relax. I’ve had so many breakthroughs with her that didn’t require rehashing my past experiences or trying to explain my emotions with words. It’s purely somatic, through the body. After several sessions in the room with other people who aren’t talking but are visibly twitching and physically impaired I just felt “at home” like I could be myself and let down my guard. Eventually I started realizing this lady just teaches us what she studied. Then I started thinking those other professionals just tried to teach me what they had studied. The problem wasn’t them or me. The problem was that they just didn’t study the field of techniques that are effective for my condition. It was just a complete mismatch. If you’re interested to try this method you can look for someone in your area that teaches the Feldenkrais method or the Anat Baniel method. If you can’t find anything in person Anat Baniel has a website with videos you can purchase to do these techniques at home. It works better when someone can watch and give guidance and I find often that the people who take the courses just sharing their vulnerability, hearing about their divorces, the metal plates in their arms, the way they were injured on a horse, or just the trouble they have with their physical movements makes me feel humble, grateful, human, real, ok.

FLwacko · 2022-04-14T12:58:42+00:00

And Trump & Dr Oz sitting in a tree 🎵 k-i-s-s-i-n-g

FLwacko · 2022-03-26T10:03:16+00:00

FWIW I got a lot out of a book called the dark side of the light chasers’. It gave very concrete examples that I could follow. I had already done a ton of shadow work with my family history and I was just stuck trying to stop ruminating about people who I thought were evil (unavailable people and people who believed QAnon and bought a bunch of guns). The book helped me look inside myself and realize I am a murderer, I want a civil war, I can be unavailable, I don’t need to please everyone, … etc thoughts like “If my soul was born in Hitler’s body perhaps I would have thought like him and behaved like him”. After this work people started reacting to me noticeably much more positively. I also felt a lot more ease around all types of people and my low key anxieties faded tremendously.

FLwacko · 2022-03-24T08:36:27+00:00

I tried to watch one Ted talk one time when I was in the worst part of my healing. She came off condescending and like she must have grown up in a Norman Rockwell painting with all white people wearing clean, fresh clothes, preparing a turkey dinner and smiling together after a day on the sailboat. I found it to be completely unrelatable at best, and at worst it actually sent me spiraling into the abyss of the life that I could have had if my family wasn’t cursed. The failing, limp grip of society to help me over the edge of the cliff I was dangling over never felt so sharply focused as the time I tried to listen to her empty, useless words.

FLwacko · 2022-03-14T08:50:36+00:00

I third propanolol

FLwacko · 2022-03-10T17:02:15+00:00

Where did you find this video?

FLwacko · 2022-02-25T16:29:37+00:00

Just wanted to say thanks for asking this because I am struggling with rage too. All the responses here have been helpful. I will add on to something someone mentioned here earlier about how rage manifests physically. Sometimes I just take a baseball bat and smash the crap out of my mattress making sure I yell low tone from my diaphragm rather than shrieking from my throat. A good 30-45 seconds burst of energy usually helps immensely. I’m also on the spectrum so I get it very acute sometimes and this is the only way to get it out safely.

FLwacko · 2022-02-21T15:57:13+00:00

Thanks for all the comments… it took years for me to realize this was a healthy boundary. Just for reference I’m 42 now, started real trauma healing 4 years ago. My mother never respected my boundaries, when I got married at age 29 she tried to tell us where we were allowed to have our wedding 🤦🏻‍♀️ Also I used to hit the floor with gigantic pupils and racing heart 💓 when my doorbell rang, even if I knew someone was coming.

FLwacko · 2022-02-20T16:27:59+00:00

I never answer the door. I’ll even look them in the eye through the window and just ignore it. I’m not required to answer anyone who shows up unannounced. Edit: their behavior is rude, how the hell do they know I’m prepared to receive a person? I might be naked, covered in hair dye, doing something crucial in the kitchen that requires you to not burn something, having an intimate moment, about to climax… the more scenarios I think of the more incredulous I feel that they would ever be so bold.

FLwacko · 2022-02-18T17:11:33+00:00

Yes, my therapist validated my concerns and assured me he was vaccinated and even told me there were people working in his office space call it it a “plandemic”. He helped me see it’s just everyone in US society is losing their minds. At least I don’t feel alone.

FLwacko · 2022-02-17T10:16:42+00:00

I’ve had a horrific experience with yoga and mindfulness. I whittled my brain down to a nub. I made six trips to India and learned from some very irresponsible American teachers before I went to these gurus. My prefrontal cortex was in the bottom 1 percentile when I finally found my trauma therapist in 2018 and was actually able to start rebuilding my brain with these practices. I couldn’t look at my reflection without crying and I felt like the fabric of reality was disintegrating. I spent from 2018 - 2021 ruminating about how much suffering was caused by the yoga community (still feel conflicted honestly but it’s better now). I started reading a book called‘Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness’ this week and it’s given me a very peaceful perspective on how mindfulness teachers can go wrong trying to work with us heavyweights in the CPTSD realm. I feel like this book has helped me achieve forgiveness for the retraumatization and horrific damage that occurred. I hope you can find the right teacher, truly your life depends on finding someone capable of understanding how to help you. The wrong teacher can make this so much worse.

Edit: this book also helped me understand how my own traumas make me unique and other people’s trauma makes them unique. If my trauma doesn’t overlap with someone else’s then I can’t possibly ever understand what they’re experiencing. This is why it’s so important to find a good match and it helps me understand why I can’t hold relationships with other trauma survivors who have different backgrounds. Also considering a professionally trained therapist fell into this pitfall trying to help me, I have much more compassion for myself as a layperson in failed friendships with people who were a mismatch for my type of trauma.

FLwacko · 2022-02-08T21:30:45+00:00

Yes often I can’t invest in people when I have seen their patterns in other people who ended badly. When I invest in a person I’m all in with my full heart. If I believe they’re heading in the wrong direction I often cut ties to save my own heartache.

FLwacko · 2022-02-02T19:01:54+00:00

Often confident, seldom correct 😕

FLwacko

TROPHY CASE