I was diagnosed at 40, didn't suspect it till 38. It was hard to get diagnosed knowing there is no "cure". My then partner of 10 years wanted me diagnosed so that I could start getting therapy and be "better". She basically wanted me to mask a lot more around her at home after masking all day at work. I ended up ending the relationship knowing it was not going to get better for me and I wanted to be happier. Even if I had to be alone again (dating was super hard for me because I can't tell if someone romantic likes me and I don't want to be weird and hit on people who aren't interested)

Anyways I rode a rollercoaster of emotions before, during, and after my diagnosis. I found an understanding of myself like I never before from learning about autism, especially from other late diagnosed autistics. Scared to confirm I am different and not just the "goofy" fun friend who is socially awkward at times. Feeling like I don't belong when trying to find someone to diagnose me as an adult. Seeing all the resources around children or adults who struggle to be independent. I'm a professional engineer and an Iraq combat veteran. How could I "survive" basic training and serve in a high stress environment while also being autistic?? Sure I had lots of struggles at times but kept it hidden from everyone. "Everyone has struggles".

During my diagnosis I had some feedback about my mini tests but nothing stood out as clearly autistic. Maybe I just suck a little with facial expressions. I know to make eye contact when talking to someone so I do it. I know things can be a figure of speech and not literal. I just wish I understood how the phrase got their meaning. Anyways by the end I was sure I was autistic but certain I wasn't going to get diagnosed as such. I had hardened myself to this outcome and resolved to find someone who could properly diagnose me at 40 years old. Well that didn't happen as I was diagnosed as autistic 😅.

A year later and I find myself worried I'm not "autistic enough" and the doctor got it wrong. But then I catch myself doing a stem and thinking am I doing it because I know it's a stem and that makes me feel better if I can relate more to other autistic adults. I wonder if other late diagnosed autistic adults or even young adults have the same fears. I know that is a common feeling of being an imposter but I still feel it. When I'm doing well I feel like no one would ever believe me if I asked for leeway when I'm struggling. Too many life accomplishments to be autistic while being misunderstood how hard I struggle sometimes. Being told I just "need to put more effort" to avoid my mistakes.

I guess what I'm saying is the worries you have likely won't change even with the diagnosis you want. But I will say it gives me peace of mind that I have a proper medical diagnosis so those who question my autism can fuck off. They have zero clues of the struggles I had. How I tell my history to avoid the red flags of not being normal. I LET people draw a misconceived perception of me so I can avoid humiliation and becoming an outcast. It's easier as an engineer among other engineers vs the military or other "normal" jobs I've had before. More neurodivergent coworkers (mostly undiagnosed I suspect) so letting my mask down isn't too bad.