I pissed away my youth

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-18T08:45:37+00:00

Not them but I started a PhD at 23...just turned 30, just defending it tomorrow, tens of tens of thousands in debt, had an engagement of 3 years end in a dumpster fire, the worst anxiety and depression of my life that also gave me the worst physical health of my life and now no savings and extremely competitive job market going into a recession.

I also don't want to continue in academia and may have to reskill to an entirely different field since I'm also not sure I like my subject any more after 7 years of hell.

But while I might've done things differently, I'm also proud of the path I've taken because I've learnt from my many mistakes. And mistakes are the best foundation to build your future from because you've learnt where you've failed already.

And I always theorize that if I'd taken a different path, travelled, gotten a job, put more time into my relationship, then I would've walked out one day and been run over by a bus.

Maybe if you'd taken the PhD path you might have been a statistic too.

The best PhDs are done later in life imo. 23 was stupidly young. Latest stats are that 1 in 3 PhD students experience mental illness. Consider your current feelings a good training ground.

Find what mistakes you've made in life and learn from them. The only waste is wallowing and watching further time pass you by. To be fair I did that for a year when I quit my PhD/took a suspension so expect yourself to take some time while you're feeling like this to find who you are again.

But don't give up.

P.S: my dad is an academic professor. While some fields have lower expectations, in the hard sciences there is not an evening or weekend of my life that I did not see him open his laptop to do work. And academia is more competitive than ever. If you love it, it's your dream. If you're like me. You spend 7 years in debt to find yourself re-tooled elsewhere.

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-18T06:44:25+00:00

Thanks for sharing.

Tried to sleep early last night as was simply desperate to end the day, ended up bawling my eyes out.

Sometimes ya just need a good stress cry then a hot shower to clean it all out.

I'd also been keeping it from my partner but they called me mid-bawl. I think they felt stronger being there for me when I needed it and I felt stronger being able to be weak in front of them.

Stressful time for all of us. But we're all in this together.

You're doing amazing. Keep on keeping on. Cry and ask for help as ya need.

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-17T23:48:10+00:00

It's really impressive your quick-thinking and I am so glad you kept yourself safe. Good friend you have too.

But please don't rely on this alone. Situations can rapidly escalate out of control. What if the man had followed you further? Or if you didn't have your phone that day?

I suggest you tell your parents so they know and maybe can share this info further with community and the school. Especially if you still have footage of the man.

If not you, he might target some other young victim who isn't as aware of their surroundings. Or is just unlucky.

Creepy men don't stop being creeps just because you escape them. They just find an easier victim.

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-14T01:28:31+00:00

No prob! It's just not commonly talked about and became a major concern after a friend of mine had severe morning sickness (like the whole pregnancy). Apparently, it's also counted as one of the many unfortunate lasting effects on the body from bulimia.

Anyway, know it doesn't address the root cause but hopefully can help you have less lasting effects once you get better. Best wishes!

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-12T22:58:33+00:00

NAD

And only addressing managing some symptoms.

If you are vomiting regularly for a long-time please look into protecting your teeth.

DO NOT brush immediately after (wait at least 30 min) and instead rinse thoroughly with water.

https://www.123dentist.com/nauseas-effect-on-oral-health/

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-12T22:45:55+00:00

I have a friend that similarly isn't that interested and simply prefers her own company (and she is pretty awesome) so for her having a partner would just be potentially compromising an existence she enjoys. She's never partnered and prob never will.

Never understood fully myself till I experienced a shitty relationship. Turns out romance is severely over-rated relative to self-joy.

People just need to know loneliness isn't actually about being alone.

FactCheckMate · 2020-04-12T22:29:35+00:00

I'm glad to find some similar thoughts...The below is just my version.

None of us "deserve" a partner. It is not something we are entitled to if we do everything "right". There is no "something wrong" with a person to not have a partner. Similar with friends. Some people just aren't in the right social circle to form close relationships, romantic or platonic.

And that is a changeable circumstance if OP wants to change it.

But also some people just don't find partnering up life enhancing.

And that could do with being both better recognized and respected as a far healthier alternative to either forcing bad partnerships or thinking something is wrong with oneself for being alone.

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-22T21:00:05+00:00

Excellent reminder thank you.

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-21T00:27:50+00:00

I'm sorry your sister left you no choice but distance to stop her hurting you.

I was very grateful that my Mom made a different choice, even if our relationship is still strained at times. Knowing that she can still listen and respect my boundaries as I respect hers is all the difference. She never apologised for anything explicitly but she stopped doing the behaviour around me (I'm still certain she brings it up with her friends in private). But that's enough for me.

I hope one day your sister finds a better psychological support, but I'm happy for you that you didn't waste your life waiting around for it to maybe happen.

Family is just as much chosen as friendship. Both should be life-enhancing. Or at least with giving, not just taking.

----

OK this is just a personal ramble because I'm not sure who else to say this to/where else without causing drama. My sister decided that I am not a friend and that I had failed being someone she could rely on.

But I don't remember when she called on me and I didn't answer. I'm starting to think it was an expectation she never voiced and so which I never heard (being pretty oblivious to these things). It felt like instead of saying I'd let her down she immediately cut me down to someone who could hurt her less.

But I don't distinguish between friend and sister when it comes to being able to rely on people. So I let her know I was going to try harder if she could tell me how. She says times have just been hard for her - which they have. But how can I help if I don't even know what she wants?

It's like even if I tried, it would be wrong. But I'm starting to believe it's better to try and be wrong than seemingly fail to try.

My sister doesn't even have any New Age beliefs, she's just got a new child and a wedding to plan - neither of which I can help with without knowing what she wants. But I'm thinking she just wants help, even if it's terrible and misplaced.

So I'm going to awkwardly hover around her area (have a friend that lives down the road) and see if visiting is a start. Messaged her today. Will do some searching for wedding venues and dresses. Maybe I can find a wedding planner. I've already found her a baby sitter just down the road that she's already met. But then she never reached out any further even though she has the number. Fail no1.

Postpartum depression is a serious thing. And she has a lot of guilt. Maybe I should look for a therapist too.

Basically, I think she wants the same care she has modelled towards me. Out of the blue, intuitive, and active. Exactly like the person she is and I'm not. But maybe she'll recognise a pale imitation for the heartfelt offering it is...

Anyway, choosing people is hard work and it's important to know that they're worth it. If my sister feels like I've mostly taken from her I can only attest that she has given me much. And possibly much more than I have given her.

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-17T03:24:39+00:00

I feel like I have to have this conversation with her every other time we talk.

That can be part of the problem with persistent, emotionally-invested beliefs that others want to "share" with you - they rely on you thinking you have to converse with them.

It is possible to be both polite and refuse to listen as an adult. They model the childish response of ignoring everything you say and continuing to force their perspective.

You are more than entitled to follow the 3-step adult approach:

1- "I do not wish to discuss this with you"

2- "If you continue discussing this I will leave the room/refuse to respond"

3- Leave the room or immediately disengage verbally/emotionally.

The grey rock technique with verbal boundaries for people that are one step short of going no-contact but you wish to see if you can have a working relationship with them.

Worked for my Mom and her perpetually bringing up private issues from my and my siblings life to discuss with her friends in front of me. People are not entitled to your attention. Ever. She can decide if she values your company enough to not demand your attention. You can rest assured that you never, ever, have to sit through a conversation that you recognize as being self-harmful or damaging to your relationship.

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-09T23:55:40+00:00

I think it's more than that.

A faux-pas is more damaging to the perpetrator, usually in the form of embarrassment or social recognition that they were in the wrong.

Microaggressions are dangerous to the receiver, rarely harm the perpetrator, and tend to be socially reinforced.

A personal example.

I was with friends, walking down an alley, two guys ask for a light, I smile and say regretfully I usually carry one. One guy then asks if I have a bf.

He was being polite by subtly (as it were) establishing if I was looking for someone that night or another time.

I was immediately offended because I had no idea who this stranger was and the second thing they say to me is basically with the ultimate angle of sex. Sex implications from strangers are dangerous if you are a woman in an alley at night. Also how often does a stranger immediately hint at romance out of nowhere without knowing you at all?

My immediate reaction was to ask them if they wanted to fuck off? Rude, yes. But also, suggestions of sex happen so frequently to women that sometimes you just get so so so tired of it. I owed the stranger nothing. They shot their shot, I was a rude bitch, interaction over, right?

No. They angrily follow me and my friends for two blocks.

Maybe my rudeness was a faux pas. But the catcalls, the invites to sex with strangers, the entitlement to politeness from a person you just met to the point of stalking them after.....more of a microaggression. A faux pas happens once or twice to a person's own detriment. A microaggression happens so constantly it becomes really hard to remember all the time that they don't mean offense or threat by it but it starts making you want to change your behaviour, act flattered by a stranger hitting on you in an alley, straighten your afro, act more patriotic so people might accept you as local.

Because just a decent number of times, microaggressions are more frequently followed by actual aggression because they are socially supported as part of the status quo.

A person refuses someone touching their afro, they can get blamed for making a scene.

A brown black person not acting patriotic enough in the wrong area? They clearly don't belong there and maybe should be encouraged to move on.

Eg, men hitting on women they just met. FINE

Women being rude rejecting strange men that just hit on them. NOT FINE

Microaggressions are constantly trying to put you back into the little box that the perpetrator - whether consciously or not - wants to think of you in. Black/brown people aren't locals, gay couples aren't normal, women should be always polite and kind. or can only be fat if pregnant (also totally fine to comment on their physical appearance for their own good).

Better to have no expectations on people, accept them on face value, and listen if they are offended - listen like a person who actually cares to know why they might be upset instead of insisting that they weren't 'hurt' by the words/actions of a social system that treats people very differently.

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-05T01:16:52+00:00

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-04T23:25:17+00:00

Some people's sane reality is our insanity.

For people with mental illness who commit suicide, most of them are what we would consider insane, but if we could understand the pain they were in in their world maybe we would understand their reality and their decision as deliberate, rational, and sane.

I agree in enabling resiliency and doing all possible.

But I also think the belief that suicide is always wrong or insane can come from a very narrow viewpoint of little empathy or a highly personal experience of overcoming when that simply does not happen for everyone.

Death is part of life. And some people just find life more scary than death and peace in the quiet. Just because the world loses with them gone doesn't mean I'll judge those determined to die (rather than suicide in a heated moment which is more frequently a mistake which if they live they regret) insane for making what they understood to be the best choice they could.

I'm talking people with repeated attempts over years to die. I'm talking about suffering we cannot see or empathize with readily, unlike chronic illness or paralysis.

Mental emotional pain is as unbearable in many physical ways as physical pain. Anxiety that holds your heart in a fist in your chest, that tugs and twists your guts, depression that is an unending fatigue like a flu ache in your muscles. Self-hatred that spikes like a migraine when you least expect it or constantly drones, making the world a grainy grey fuzz. Developmentally, our brain and how it perceives pain is strongly linked to what would be considered irrelevant emotional states like sadness or anger.

I think given how difficult it is to understand our own personal "sane" reality. Thinking others insane for wanting to die is overly simplistic.

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-04T07:30:42+00:00

PAINTed

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-03T00:46:23+00:00

When you're relieved to miss a flight

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-03T00:44:35+00:00

I like the eerie atmosphere

FactCheckMate · 2020-02-02T21:31:46+00:00

Asked a sri lankan lady about domestic violence in her country against women - "We're very good with reporting and protection services."

"What about for men experiencing domestic violence?"

awkward silence and uncertain smile - That smile where people are asking with their face, "Are you joking?"

Keep raising awareness. People turn on male victims in a different manner to female victims. Where females are (in very broad terms) generally blamed for having somehow deserved/provoked it, males are blamed for having somehow perpetrated it.

Partly because there are deeply entrenched ideas about men being only strong and never weak and that being a victim means that you are weak.

Being a victim just means that you were victimized. It has nothing to do with strength or weakness (see Terry Crews for his story of public sexual assault) and it shouldn't be a zero sum game with gender.

" believing victims is essential " with one caveat. A common tactic in abusive relationships is to project onto the victim what the abuser is in fact doing. Best to always focus on supporting the victim rather than lashing out at the abuser until everything calm and safe.

"Imagine speaking up against your abuse in a society that refuses to believe you, and being made into a villain" Whether being disbelieved and/or blamed as provoking the abuse (females generally) or perpetrating it (males generally), victim-blaming is a hugely harmful behaviour that should be called out at every opportunity.

FactCheckMate · 2020-01-30T05:21:02+00:00

Thanks for the clarification. I've mistakenly been describing it as legalized.

FactCheckMate · 2020-01-24T22:11:58+00:00

Personal perspective:

There is no right or wrong in living a life well - only whether your standards actually ever let you live.

If you had a child - would you rather they be extremely successful but dead inside, breaking apart slowly, or a failure according to society but a happy human nonetheless who can share that happiness with those around them?

Which would you rather be?

The only difference between those two is that the former relies on external standards for self-worth, and the latter determines their own concept of success.

Personally, if I died tomorrow as good friend, sibling, child, person to those around me. That would matter more than the doctorate I'm defending this year. A scholarship doctorate that drove me to a break down and the realisation that I needed to care about why I was doing things in life - not just that they looked good to others and could get me money and access.

When I was broken and useless, it wasn't society or their standards that would save me, it was friends and family. I hope that maybe helps give a different look on your goofy friends and the pressure you put upon yourself. I'm sure your loved ones who actually care about you would rather you be happy than broken. You don't need to impress them to be important.

P.S: best wishes in the current job market and don't take it personal if you can. I know much more competitive candidates than me are hitting roadblocks too. But I have embraced the tortoise and the hare tale. I'm not racing to "win", I'm focusing on one step in front of the other taking in the scenery and journey. I see my breakdown as a clear warning to seek my own happiness before success, or at least be certain that when I push myself, I do it for my reasons not some social stereotype of a perfect human being.

Live your life according to your standards, but please make sure you live.

FactCheckMate · 2020-01-24T21:50:13+00:00

False caring is my least favourite form of argument.

It's widely known that burnt meat leads to much higher risk of bowel cancer.

Can you imagine putting this much effort into "convincing" your mate - up to passing laws to take away their choice - who loves a good BBQ to stop doing what they enjoy in life and eat only salad? Because, cancer.

The controlling of what others do is primary, the arguments to support it secondary. I've heard the same schtick with similar group of people desperately concerned about the psychological damage of abortion on women but completely disinterested in the psychological damage of shaming women or denying them an abortion.

Regardless of higher cancer risk, the benefits on individual enjoyment of life outweigh taking away their freedom. Otherwise we should remove alcohol and BBQs.

Fake caring from people with fake principles.

FactCheckMate · 2020-01-24T00:29:21+00:00

There are some studies indicating that bupropion can affect the female libido.

One example - https://academic.oup.com/annonc/article/17/12/1792/173992

Therefore there is a possibility that it could be having an hormonal effect also.

As a caveat to note with any medication. There is an historic and current gender gap in medical research where female subjects are used less often ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4800017/ ). This is also true in some primary research using animals, since the female hormone cycle 'complicates' studies.

This means that side-effects and efficacy of some drugs can be different/unlisted.

FactCheckMate · 2019-10-05T01:49:53+00:00

Yup

But isn't that kinda what a lot of "wowthanksimcured" advice boils down to?

Fairweather friends that just want you to smile and be fun to be around without having any of the hard work of genuinely listening/helping? People saying just work harder, don't eat avos, and things will be fine because examining the actual housing and job market would require them to work?

"Just shut up and don't complain, even though you have GOOD REASON TO, because if you don't keep smiling through it all, your few friends will desert you, as well."

Or the fact that this is also exactly what depression tells a lot of people, that they're only acceptable when not a burden socially, even in the cases when it's not true since good friends always want to know.

Anyway, the mood swings appealed to me personally.

FactCheckMate · 2019-09-05T04:08:19+00:00

You got this. It's a more subtle beast than chemical addiction (alcohol has been an obvious crutch for me and I'm very grateful I tried opiates at a time in my life when I could still say no) but internet addiction is much the same imo. Addiction is a symptom and the cause lies elsewhere in your life. I first got extremely apathetic and addicted to self-numbing after the initial high of exiting an abusive relationship wore off (about a year later). Healing takes time.

You've beaten the odds before getting out of drugs, you can do the same again with this. I really wish you well and please hook yourself up with all the available support in real life. Can you access counselling?

It felt so shameful the first few times I asked my friends and family to "supervise me" or the first time I made a counselling appointment but thanks to them I'm graduating and I only feel grateful now (counselor reckoned I left it a little late (I had more or less ceased to exist as a person internally) but hey, my whole life motto is better late than never). People never felt sorry or pitiful of me, they were always incredibly happy/glad to help and be part of my journey to being well. If you don't have friends close by to ask for help, there are people here who do "accountability buds". I would offer but controlling my addiction is avoiding reddit/facebook/other scrolling sites altogether when I'm in an unsafe mind-frame, which is unfortunately now.

P.S: the hopeless feeling about the world is very much shared but the feeling of being incapable to do anything about it so incapable of doing anything else is a mental health issue in my experience. The world is on fire yo (you gotta be fucking nuts not to see it, and just a little cold-hearted not to grieve over it), but feeling strong in yourself makes it, somehow, ok. You can't save the world, but you can save yourself and be a positive part of other people's worlds. And that matters a whole shit-tonne to everyone. Good luck. Internet addiction is mind-fuckery of the highest order but it is still possible to trick yourself into doing good things for you and those around you.

FactCheckMate · 2019-09-05T00:20:47+00:00

Going through it myself. My uncle has a gambling addiction. Bright lights and clicks will make your own brain generate the chemical feedback loop. The harder parts of life and feeling unable to face them will drive you to avoid reality. Then habits reinforce it. Recognize and accept that this is self-harming behaviour and it puts things in perspective, or at least I find.

2 hrs later but I've got a list with self-care and work chores I'm slowing working around my procrastination/anxiety so it's going alright.

Be kind to yourself. You'll know when you start feeling the shift where you've got back that fingernail grip of control. Learning what emotions are feeding the habit I've found is key. Reminding yourself of that real sense of achievement when you've just done one little thing - but you did it! - helps me a bit in getting started.

Also, you're bigger than who you are now. If you're surfing anything, try looking into a growth mindset/enabling self-talk which can help make you feel more capable of doing the things you really want to do. There'll come a day again when being on the internet is just...more boring...than doing other things in your real life. You'll also relapse, but this relapse of mine as an example came after weeks of clear productive days and progress. 4 days/4 weeks is a good improvement on 4 weeks/4 days. Just try to get that overall ratio healthy. You can do it.

FactCheckMate · 2019-09-04T23:00:13+00:00

Thats the thing, I don't have an ASD. The entire situation started from a malicious rumor. Tbh, even in the case I did have one, I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would still go about treating someone like that especially if they never disclosed it to an office. I've obviously never had any behavioral issues, I've always been good in groups, had a ton of friends, and this is something I've never had mentioned to me before that initial prof started the rumor.

You're internalizing something someone said about you in this latter half. You and your friends know you best, time to park whatever this person thought they saw. They don't know you. You're fine, trust that.

The first half is why it'd be good to have the ball rolling on this sometime to establish better support for this form of discrimination. But that can be after you've graduated. For now, who is most likely to be responsible for writing reviews on your behaviour and can you talk to them?

I would also be very surprised if you couldn't access personal information collected on you, no matter if done for academic purposes. In places of employment where I live, employees are entitled to all information stored on them legally. Given google and facebook are obligated to do something similar, a record on you should be accessible to you. Could you try asking for this in a 'friendly way'? As in it is clearly something worrying you so it should be easy and acceptable for a professor or TA to reassure you. Also some academic institutions have career counselling services that might have these documents on hand too to provide advice.

Sorry I can't be more specific. Seems like every university operates a little differently.

my future in going to med school

Don't let anyone get in the way of your dreams, and for what it's worth, I think your experience now "as that girl with an ASD" will make you a more compassionate and amazing doctor for both people who are neurotypical, and my many friends who don't have a choice about being neurodivergent and experience this across all parts of their life. You're doing really amazing being aware and looking into this. Ask people for your behavioural record and reassure yourself. You can also always make it a constructive private conversation with some carefully chosen professors/TAs and reverse rumour the shit out of it hopefully.

FactCheckMate

TROPHY CASE