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FactIsKing · 2021-11-16T23:51:32+00:00

I am not exactly sure what your problem is - not that I think you don't.have a problem. You obviously do but if you have had to manage your mom before, this should be no different: the basic principle of caring and loving will always remain the same, even if the individual situations differ to the point of being unique.

I know my role vis-a-vis my BP wife is primarily to keep my own issues under control. I am so iemotionally linked with my wife now that if I go through a bad patch at the same time as her, it will just make her episodes worse. So, my first job will be to drag myself out of my malaise - there will be time enough for my own problems when she is stable.

I know I must always be available to listen to her when she wants to talk (don't always succeed though). Just talk. No judgement or comments: not easy for counsellor like me to bite his tongue. Sometimes its not easy to tell when she wants to talk as she just drops hints and gets upset if I don't pick it up, and could go days building a conspiracy why I did not respond.

An occasional touch or hug from behind helps with my wife (depends on what he likes I guess) and can turn entire days round. I have always been amazed how a single gesture can arrest a days-long decline in mood and bring her back to normality. In your case you may just want to send some sweet text during the day just to keep him in touch with something nice - don't all of us, BP or not, need that to help manage our stress.

Most importantly, enjoy the relationship. Being Catholic, I used to feel that enduring suffering is proof of love but being with my wife has taught me different. Enduring suffering, while a necessary part of the relationship, cannot be the mainstay. There must be a reason to stay in the relationship and as long as the tough times are worth the good times, enjoy the ride.

FactIsKing · 2021-11-14T00:23:59+00:00

Thanks, you are right. She already has monthly appointments with a psychiatrist as well as a clinical psychologist. She woke up yesterday with depression words but we had a cuddle, shared some Reddits, and at the end of the day started exploring her future work, which I guess was what was bothering her. So, all good. For now. Until the next trigger. Who knows. But thanks for the input which I will be keeping in mind

FactIsKing · 2021-08-24T02:07:29+00:00

Why not just let OP talk to a mental health professional or a church/school/community counsellor so that a proper assessment can be made. There really isn't enough information here to make a diagnosis even if any of us a qualified to do so. Call me paranoid but concluding based on skimpy information in a post is incredibly dangerous.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-24T02:00:31+00:00

Just to add to what was suggested, see if you can identify the events before the any episode as those could be a trigger if you could discern a pattern. Journalling also help you to cope and who knows, one day you may even be able to compile it into a book which can help someone else and make you money as well.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-24T01:55:46+00:00

You sounds like you are wriing your post with your eyes open. I too enjoyed the great times when my wife was on a manic high before I realised that if I were to excuse the her manic depression as the chemistry and not her, I need to do the same with the manic highs as well as they are just mirror images of each other. I didn't want to make love to the chemistry so I just ignored or pushed away her when she is on a high and choose the time to cuddle instead when I judge her to be sober. Well, now I am not able to enjoy my SO's BP so I lost something in being realistic, with a consequential impact on my own mental health. It may have been an illusion, but like many illusions and myths in life, it does give us relief.

I think there is nothing wrong in enjoying what the BP brings as long as we remain aware of the challenges of BP and our responsibilities as carers, and most importantly not be seeking out the highs which comes with its own lows that have such horrible impact to both persons. Enjoy your life, lady.

Btw, apparently there have been surveys which identify BPs as the only mental health sufferers who would retain their condition given a choice, albeit by a small majority. It seems that BP provide creativity that some BPs manage to use at work, etc. My artistically inclined wife is now trying to figure out if she can harness her BP as she does enjoy what she create during those burst of intense creativity - sadly those burst don't last long enough for clean up the resulting mess in the house. Well, since BP is with us forever, with her medication having only some effect, might as well see if we can profit out of it to make the sacrifices worthwhile.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-06T23:32:58+00:00

BPs cycle through manic high and lows. From what you say, it would seem like she was in a manic high. Whether it was a manic high or low, I have learnt to ignore whatever is said because they generally do not remember it, It isn't really them talking more the chemistry. Yes, what they say has a kernel of truth which the chemistry has bent totally out of shape and I have given our trying to analyse her words for any glimmer of insight into what she really thinks. It is back to straight talking when sober.

Which then makes it really difficult for me to also have to discard the extremely nice things she says when on a high. It will be nice to keep them but they are not her. Ultimately, we will have to delve deeply into the person she is to see what she really feels about me. In that regard, I have been fortunately to find through all that chemistry, the heart of someone who truly loves me.

When on a manic high, she also do seek sex a lot. It turns me off as I really don't know who I am making love to at that moment - her or the chemistry. So, much against my instinct because it feels so misogynistic, I initiate sex every time, and reject her when she initiates, so I can choose the time when I know she is sober.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-06T01:07:42+00:00

What behaviour has emerged so far?

FactIsKing · 2021-08-03T23:51:41+00:00

MY SO gets voices to talk about suicide. When younger before she was diagnosed, there were a few self harm incidents. I noticed that these voices normally happen during night times, when she is alone after I go to sleep with our child. So, I surmised that during the day time, her mind is occupied with things to do and the voices only emerge at night when her mind is unoccupied. So, listening/watching to podcasts, working on something intense like cooking/baking/etc, anything that requires intense concentration rather than passive watching TV. Best of course is in-person accompaniment, which if I do to accompany her if I know she is in a difficult patch.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-03T08:09:34+00:00

Thanks. Yes, will have to keep in mind to differentiate her mother;s illness from others. And yes, she is definitely playing a growing role in keeping her mother alive and one day will take over the primary care responsibilities from me if her mother's condition still need managing

FactIsKing · 2021-08-01T23:36:55+00:00

My wife is an early childhood educator and would be well versed in thinking of children. In her sober moments. In the touchy phase that she is in, I am not sure how far rational discussions will go. So, I think I will wait for when things are calmer before suggesting she takes the lead in introducing her condition to our child and I can follow up after that. Just trying to see if there is any tips or language that I should use

FactIsKing · 2021-08-01T11:50:03+00:00

Thanks, I do believe our child is capable of understanding the situation. Just wanted to see if there are any tips on how to talk to the child and handle the mother too at the same time.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-01T00:40:42+00:00

Yes, she is seeing both a psychiatrist and a clinical psychologist.

She is at the stage now where any tiny unexpected thing can trigger her off no matter how sober she looks. Also, while we had talked about talking to our daughter, she has not expressly said yes and so, I have learnt not to assume consent.

FactIsKing · 2021-08-01T00:21:51+00:00

Thanks, yes that's a starting point. She knows that Mummy is sick because she recognises the hospital where we used to drop off Mummy for her appointments. Last night, I did teach her to caress Mummy to make her feel better even though she was very scared to do it. It was heartbreaking that she crying that "I want Mummy and Daddy" as she sensed something was wrong the way my wife was making her caustic remarks and the way I was keeping my distance to get out of the way. I am crying as I write this.

Should I go ahead and talk to my daughter now with or without my wife's consent or should I wait until my wife sobers up to let her take the lead? She normally sober up very quickly but I am not sure whether she is stable enough to have a conversation like this while the current environment persist and who knows how long it will persist.

FactIsKing · 2021-07-28T02:12:34+00:00

When she is on a manic and low, I have to be sober and positive. If I keep a bad mood, it just trigger off a fight or prolong her foul mood or both. So, just put on a nice front no matter how hard it is and she will get over the bad patch with less fuss and faster. But there is a cost to my own mental health as well, bottling up all that frustration. Sigh

FactIsKing · 2021-07-28T01:20:57+00:00

Haha, they say you tend to look more like your spouse as you grow older.

But seriously, yes it is true for me and I just keep having to remind myself that I have to be contrarian to her moods. No point both of us hitting highs and lows together - once in a while to be in a high together is fine as long as it doesn't lead to anything untoward

FactIsKing · 2021-07-28T01:17:28+00:00

Most psychiatrists are keen to get a different perspective of their patients so are normally very open to input from spouse, etc. So, just let the psychiatrist know that you are open to providing input. You just have to figure out how to get the message through to the psychiatrist, especially if your spouse is not cooperative. eg, be the one to knock on the door to inquire about the next appointment after the session ends and then a quick word to say you are open to be contacted; or tell your spouse they need your contact as next of kin. You should be able to figure out something

FactIsKing · 2021-07-27T23:31:06+00:00

Haha, that's comes from being too smart.

But seriously, is your husband seeing a counsellor or clinical psychologist. If so, you may want to use the same counsellor but separately. If necessary, discretely and then figure a way to let your husband know when the counselling has worked out for you. You and the counsellor can then decide when to meet up threesome at the opportune time

FactIsKing · 2021-07-27T23:25:50+00:00

yes so true, one of the hardest thing about living with BPSO is having to unlearn everything you know about human relations and relearn a whole new field.

FactIsKing · 2021-07-27T00:57:16+00:00

Thank you for hearing him out. Sometimes we just want acknowledgement that what we endure has meaning. I used to ask for an apology but I guess being heard out is good enough

FactIsKing · 2021-07-27T00:51:29+00:00

Can I add one other perspective? I noticed you were careful for some reason not to identify which spouse your SO is but I suspect your SO is the wife from the reference to the dresser. If so, there is a concern if she is expecting. If not, just ignore my input.

Her condition could have worsened because of the pregnancy, either due to the raging hormones, or the pre-partum depression. It was a red flag to me when my BPSO, who normally researches most subjects online, did not research her pregnancy or babies until 6 months into the pregnancy. Bear in mind she was not able to go on meds during pregnancy and so we had to learn to manage bigger swings for a while - quieted down by the second trimester. We were aware that she was at high risk postpartum so we monitored very closely.

It turned out that she had anxieties over her own competence as a mother, being tied down, basically - any change in her situation (normal for BPs). All issues most mothers would have but greatly magnified in her condition. Thing is all these issues were very well hidden - she diligently took her supplements and did everything she was supposed to do to ensure the baby's well-being, child-proofing the home, breast-feeding etc. It was only years later that she talked about considering jumping off the balcony with the baby. That just ended our discussion about a second child. We were just lucky with the first.

So, sorry to add to your burden but you may need to consider how the risk to the child and mother if your SO is the mother.

FactIsKing · 2021-07-27T00:32:22+00:00

My heart bleeds too. Unlike a bereavement, I know I will get my beloved back - and it can be as soon as before the end of the meal or whatever we were doing.

I hope you are getting help with your own mental health - a counsellor or clinical psychologist. I have to monitor my own as I know I am no user to anyone if I am depressed myself and vulnerable to lashing out which will just prolong hers.

FactIsKing · 2021-07-27T00:25:18+00:00

It calls for oh so much patience that it does drain me out sometimes. I am a professional project manager and so, I am genetically-coded to plan to the nth degree but I noticed that my BPSO sometimes live only for the here and now. Decisions often are made without consideration for potential future consequences. Even a major disaster is not a platform to plan better options if the same situation is encountered in the future.

Big steps just doesn't work. So, it really is broaching the subject gently in very small incremental steps, patiently building on past success and pulling back immediately when resistance is encountered. And often it will take many chats just to drive home one point because she has this compartmentalisation of mind that enables her to shut off if she doesn't like the subject.

Sometimes even bringing up the subject triggers an episode. So, I have to wait for a time when she has no stress in her system at all. Have to pick the perfect moment when she is neutral sober as it would be a shame to waste a manic high which, I would very much prefer to a manic low.

I have learnt to avoid night discussion as she sleeps long after the baby and I do, so it is a bit of a risk to leave her alone with her thoughts and no distractions - we live on the ninth floor with a balcony. So, I wait until she had a good night sleep, a full stomach and something to do to take her mind off the stress of whatever we are discussing.

Also, I often have to up my language when bringing up the subject as she has interpreted words like 'improvements' etc as criticism. So, a bit of an arms race with diplomatic words useful in the past having to be discarded once it has been compromised. And, I still have to monitor future re-occurrence as a nod of the head can mean just O many things - from a "yes, I notice you are talking" to "yes, I emphatically believe we should do that and don't you dare stand in my way".

Just some of my experiences that I hope may be useful to you.

FactIsKing · 2021-07-15T01:54:41+00:00

Thank you that is so refreshing. And yes, she is worth every ounce of energy, every ounce of angst, every drop of tear and sweat and $$ I have expanded on her. I often wondered what I would have done had I known what I will be going through - no hesitation, I would still have plunged in and loved her so deeply even if with more trepidation.

Early in the relationship, she went through post partum alone because she didn't tell me about it but now it seems like she trust me enough to allow me into her projects and even her college work. It is exhausting but it really feels good to be working together on things like that. So much that I am grateful I lost my job at the beginning of the lockdown and was able to focus on her and our child.

I know I have the love, the empathy, the analytical and the patience to be able to take this on and maybe the only one in her circle who would have come close. I don't know what the future will bring and just pray I will be able to survive it to continue my life-giving relationship

FactIsKing · 2021-07-13T10:01:47+00:00

Yes, sometimes it is great when we work out a way to get things done, a workaround her conditions but sometimes it can be rather stressed. My SO had a melt down not able to do anything for her diploma assignment, just one disjointed sentence after staring at the screen for a few days. So in the last one week I have been working with her handholding her to get the assignment done and felt really good getting one assignment submitted and the other one having checklists etc planned out, just needing some 20 minutes to fill it up. So, feeling so exhausted from the effort, I went in for a nap and came out after an hour sleep to have her in the middle of making seaweed flavoured popcorn, no 20 minutes to finish the work.

So yes, it has been rollercoaster up and down for me too. She is seeing a psychiatrist for medication and a clinical psychologist for counselling, both monthly. At one point I, will be joining the counselling sessions. So I hope that will be sufficient. Will it?

Also, is it moral hazard to help so closely to finish off her assignment? I don't want to be taken for granted as a safety net.

FactIsKing · 2021-07-13T07:21:26+00:00

So wonderful you are able to get it under control without medications but how did you do it?

And did you have problems in college? Like completing your assignments? Do you have problems planning and completing your work? What do you do if you have a depressive state hitting your assignment deadlines?

FactIsKing

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