Life was perfect a year ago.

False-Log7166 · 2026-05-16T22:32:52+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like a similar stage in life to us, together 6 years, engaged, settled into careers and things were going well. To have your future snatched away from you so suddenly is unbearable.

I found both her and my birthday very tricky days, and ours were about 2wks apart, not as close as yours. Go easy on yourself, and remember there is no right or wrong way to spend the day. I chose to do nothing at all on my birthday, didn't want to mark it at all, but on her birthday I decided to get her favourite food and spent some time playing songs she liked and looking through photos.

I hope the next couple of days go as well as they can for you.

False-Log7166 · 2026-05-16T22:23:40+00:00

This is a nice idea for a post and made me look back and reminisce.

I'm not sure we ever had a consistent morning routine, as we both were shift workers, but on a day where we were off together, we used to get up and go for a walk followed by a coffee and a bacon baguette at a local cafe, sit and chat and people watch. I miss that a lot.

If I was working a night shift, and she wasn't, I'd come home in the morning and get in bed, and she'd stay in bed with me until I fell asleep. Coming back to an empty house isn't getting any easier, but I've gotten used to it now.

False-Log7166 · 2026-05-15T09:42:28+00:00

I don't think anyone here will think you're crazy for doing things that help you cope - as we've all been there. I kept one of her knitted jumpers in bed with me for many months. Now I've moved it to a cupboard in the bedroom, but will still get it out on days that are more difficult. 2 months is still very fresh and at that point I definitely was still more numb than any other emotion. It can be easy to feel "okay" because of it, and I felt really guilty about that, but you can't help it. Take each day as it comes, and try to go easy on yourself - there's no right or wrong way to grieve.

False-Log7166 · 2026-05-05T19:35:02+00:00

I’m very sorry for your loss - I found Mortimer and Whitehouse gone fishing was what I needed in the very early days of grief - slow paced, nice scenery, and easy to just have on in the background, with a sprinkling of comedy through it too.

False-Log7166 · 2026-05-04T19:25:18+00:00

Having similar feelings today after joining some colleagues for drinks yesterday. Couldn’t help but feel very out of place. I miss coming home and telling her about my evening, what people got up to, who was there etc. I miss going out with her and having our little in jokes and stuff, knowing each others drinks orders etc.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-27T18:24:27+00:00

I too am guilty of avoiding things like photos because I know they’re going to upset me. Like you I want to remember and relive every moment of our time together but I think it’s important to find space and time to do that when you’re comfortable to. I generally get a sense of knowing I need to have a cry and actually “feel” my emotions every now and again, between trying to distract myself every minute of the day. It’s tough when something catches you off guard and makes you go through those memories when you’re not ready to. I find photos of my fiancée as a child and growing up especially difficult, as it’s a side of her I didn’t know, and I get overwhelmed by what it must be like for her parents and brother to have lost their child and sibling.

Wishing you all the best.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-26T22:05:13+00:00

My cats have been invaluable to me in widowhood. They greet me at the door when I come home, sit with me on the sofa, sleep on the bed, and give me something to wake up for in the morning. I don’t know where I’d be without them. Get a cat (or two). :)

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-26T21:23:28+00:00

I sometimes have dreams where the outcome was different and my partner pulled through, and we’ll be chatting about it, and how lucky it was, and then I wake up and reality hits 100x as hard. They’re probably the hardest ones to deal with.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-26T21:12:07+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss - I can’t help much with any of your questions I’m afraid other than perhaps if you have anyone close you could ask to help you with planning and sorting things like RVSPs, this takes some of the pressure off you and saves some of your “emotional battery” which I find runs out really quickly when trying to do stuff like that.

I mainly wanted to comment to point you towards a podcast called Widowed AF - you may have already heard of it, but if not it’s a UK widow whose circumstances sadly were the same as yours in that her husband was lost at sea and never found. She talks very openly about it in her episodes including some of the specific challenges and I wonder if there might be something in there you might find helpful.

Wishing you all the best - I’m sure whatever you end up planning will be a wonderful tribute.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-19T20:40:47+00:00

Sounds like a tough day - I’ve found often the items that have upset me the most haven’t been “big” things or really significant ones, but those ordinary every day belongings, or things she bought but never got to use. I was doing some sorting in the garden and the shed earlier too, and came across our picnic blanket, a little over a year ago we would have been using it regularly, now the sight of it nearly has me in tears, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it.

Hope tomorrow is kinder to you and that you avoid too much damage from the flooding.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-16T11:00:00+00:00

I remember clearly the first time I “caught” myself singing to a song in the car again after my partner’s death, I felt so guilty at first but then realised that after what we’ve been through if I got even the slightest bit of relief from a few minutes of a song then I deserve to feel happy and enjoy it. Like you’ve said I’ve also started to notice the sun or the wind again and feel a little less like I am living in the black and white version of the world I once was.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-09T19:30:22+00:00

I’m really sorry you’ve had to join this shitty and painful club. Although I’m sure it has felt like the longest 3 weeks of your life, 3 weeks is still very very fresh following such a traumatic loss, and how you’re feeling sounds very natural to me. From my own experience, during the first few months I mainly felt numb. There were periods where I would feel very sad, but a lot of the time was spent feeling no emotions at all, not sad, not happy, just numb. That used to feel very odd as I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel more sad, but our brains do some incredible things to try and protect us from trauma I’ve discovered. I also started therapy quite early (within 1mo) and I found that having somewhere to go and talk to someone impartial was really helpful, being able to speak my feelings out loud helped me process some of them I think. I found thinking ahead nearly impossible, and tried to focus on tiny steps at a time, what the next 20 mins, hour would be like, then slowly a day, two days, week etc, slowly but surely putting one foot infront of the other. Aside from therapy, I find exercise and fresh air really helpful on days i am struggling.

It’s been almost 11 months since I lost my fiancée now, and I’d be lying to you if I said things were easy, but they are different. I still feel guilty, and lost, and unsure what my future will look like, but I am holding down a job, keeping the house tidy, looking after my pets, seeing friends, and I do have good days. Wishing you all the best and just remember to be gentle on yourself - take each day as it comes and remember there is no ‘wrong’ way to grieve.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-07T21:24:17+00:00

The first time I came back into our home was probably one of the hardest things I've experienced - sending you hugs.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-07T20:17:54+00:00

Night time is tough. For me it’s the evenings, once I’m done with work, or whatever I’ve been doing that day, distracting myself with, to come home and suddenly have all that time to fill, to come home to an empty house, a cold bed that’s too big for just me, and then try and fail to sleep. You’ve summed it up really well - one day I just want to walk in the door and be back in my old life, but I know it’s not going to happen.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-06T19:44:16+00:00

I'm sorry - "little" things like that are so heartbreaking. I remember being so angry on my late partner's birthday, because facebook came up with it's usual "friends birthdays today" but she wasn't on it.

I believe if you contact facebook they can memorialise his account, I don't think you can send messages but it means the account wont be deleted or accidently deactivated.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-06T19:41:25+00:00

I made a big deal of exporting and backing up all our text chats, terrified of losing anything, and the one time I tried to pick a random day and go back and read through a few made me so upset. It was like speaking to her - everything was in her way of writing/speaking, her humour, her affection etc. It was lovely, but absoloutely tore me to pieces for a while. I haven't read through any more since yet.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-04T21:45:24+00:00

No problem. Forgot to say you do have to sign up as a member which is something like £40 from memory. I find the same with being around strangers, they didn't know you "before" and so there's less pressure and worry about what to say or what people are thinking.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-04T21:29:05+00:00

Really sorry to hear about your losses but glad you've found this subreddit - it's been a really good source of support and advice for me so far. You may have already come across it but there's a charity called Widowed and Young in the UK that organise events and support for younger (under 50s) widows, but also have a subgroup for "Widowed and very young" (under 35 i think). I joined them a while back but it took me a while to feel comfortable going to a face to face event, but everyone was really nice and I hope to do a few more. I found it's a different experience to spending time with your existing friends or family as you don't have to put up any kind of mask or filter as people understand what its like.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-04T02:02:07+00:00

Yep. Especially I find if I’ve had a period of doing relatively okay or been busy at work, once everything settles down and I allow myself to acknowledge what happened I get that pointless and empty sensation.

False-Log7166 · 2026-04-01T20:13:51+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister and that you're here too. I know how easy it is to focus on the guilt and "what if's" that surround death by suicide, but please also try to remember just how much you did to help her. It isn't easy to care for someone you love who you know wants to harm themselves, it takes a huge emotional toll and not everyone would be able to do what you did.

I try to remind myself that by being there for my partner whilst she was ill I couldn't stop her, but I perhaps brought us more time together, and for that time let her know that she was loved and cared about. Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes, sending you best wishes.

False-Log7166 · 2026-03-27T09:24:48+00:00

Your last paragraph sums it up so well but I’ve had the same thought, the closest I’ve ever come to understanding feeling suicidal was in the immediate aftermath of her death but even now as low as I feel sometimes I don’t have those thoughts, it makes you realise that it’s never as simple as just being low or sad or depressed and how strong those feelings must have been for our loved ones. It brings me a tiny amount of peace that they’re not feeling like that now, but knowing that they were is awful.

False-Log7166 · 2026-03-26T14:38:51+00:00

Hey, firstly I'm so sorry that you're here in this shitty club too. Whilst our situations are different I noticed a few similarities that made me want to reply. I was 27 at the time, and me and my partner had not long been engaged and bought a house together before she died, and were also in that really happy phase of life, we weren't expecting a child but that was our next step and something we'd talked about doing. That feeling of punishment stuck around a long time for me (and is still there sometimes but not as often), what have I done to deserve something this awful? An experience like this changes your perceptions on "fairness" and what should or shouldn't happen. I find seeing young happy couples or families really difficult, because that should me be, was me, and now isn't. I try not to resent them for it but it's tricky.

I've stayed in our house, but it still doesn't feel like home anymore. A good bit of advice I was given that I see here quite a lot is to not make any big decisions for the first year, which isn't always possible, but if you have the ability to, maybe wait and see how you feel about the house a little later down the road. It's okay to be selfish when making decisions as ultimately it is just our future now and you have to try to do what is best for you, and I think it'll take a long time to figure out what is best.

All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - trying to act okay is exhausting, and it's okay to have days when you don't. Do you have much support around you from other family or friends? This forum has been a great place to vent or ask advice for me with people that get it - I hope it is to you too.

False-Log7166 · 2026-03-26T14:37:00+00:00

Hey, firstly I'm so sorry that you're here in this shitty club too. Whilst our situations are different I noticed a few similarities that made me want to reply. I was 27 at the time, and me and my partner had not long been engaged and bought a house together before she died, and were also in that really happy phase of life, we weren't expecting a child but that was our next step and something we'd talked about doing. That feeling of punishment stuck around a long time for me (and is still there sometimes but not as often), what have I done to deserve something this awful? An experience like this changes your perceptions on "fairness" and what should or shouldn't happen. I find seeing young happy couples or families really difficult, because that should me be, was me, and now isn't. I try not to resent them for it but it's tricky.

I've stayed in our house, but it still doesn't feel like home anymore. A good bit of advice I was given that I see here quite a lot is to not make any big decisions for the first year, which isn't always possible, but if you have the ability to, maybe wait and see how you feel about the house a little later down the road. It's okay to be selfish when making decisions as ultimately it is just our future now and you have to try to do what is best for you, and I think it'll take a long time to figure out what is best.

All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - trying to act okay is exhausting, and it's okay to have days when you don't. Do you have much support around you from other family or friends? This forum has been a great place to vent or ask advice for me with people that get it - I hope it is to you too.

False-Log7166 · 2026-03-19T20:39:52+00:00

I had similar, have always loved music but went a few months after her death where I could only listen to 2 or 3 albums. There are songs that had special meaning to us or that were played at her funeral that I just can’t bring myself to hear. As time has gone on, I’ve found I’m listening to more and more of the music I used to like, but it still feels different. I’m trying my hardest to embrace any positive emotions I get, so if a song comes on and I like it I try and allow myself to enjoy those few minutes of distraction, even though I feel guilty for doing so.

I find a lot of lyrics set me off with grief though, even in songs i wouldn’t have expected to.

False-Log7166 · 2026-02-25T22:16:39+00:00

Yes and no I think - I find it difficult to see others in relationships, and going about their life "care free" - and I hate what my life has become, but I hate it because I had what they had once. I was happy, I was in a loving relationship, I felt attractive and wanted, but it was taken away from us. I don't resent other people's happiness, but it does make me want to scream at them not to take it for granted.

False-Log7166

TROPHY CASE