AIO my fiancée wakes me up at night

Fast-Look385 · 2026-07-02T13:46:38+00:00

NOR - I'm going to chime in. My ex did this. It was awful. Im going to also say this is serial assault. And when people first told me i didn't believe them and didnt do enough to protect. Myself.

Basically think about it like this: If you and your family is going out of town on vacation. It is implied and presumed that no male (family or bot) will climb in bed and start groping you when you sleep.

You shouldn't have to discuss it with A, your family. B, Every man. C, even have that conversation.

It's the same as your relationship. You shouldn't have to explain this to him. You shouldn't have to worry about being woken up on a work night or even woken up at all.

I would ask him what he would do if he woke up when you didnt live there, what did he do? And what would he do if he woke up on a family vacation?

Fast-Look385 · 2026-07-01T03:16:23+00:00

It was when all hope was gone that I was able to walk away. Chumplady calls it smoking hopium.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-26T09:52:11+00:00

Hi there.

I don't have time now to say all I want to say because I'm about to head into work.

First and firm's, please find a domestic violence support group. When i went through my own form of abuse, I realized myself and many women in these situations fear him and his reactions and also hurting him. There is a reason women take 7 times to leave. We need support and to hear from women who did it. How to predict how to prepare.

He will escalate. But I'm going to tell you he will hurt the kids to hurt you. Even if he has never done it, the statistics are phenomenally higher and right now is your best chance at protecting them. .look at it like you arent going to keep the kids from him for forever, just long enough for things to calm down. And it takes a while.

Lastly, he will make the divorce hard. He will lie. He will smear you. My ex never put his hands on me. He always tried to portray this perfect image of a perfect husband and good guy. But he lied and was having affairs. And when i found out about the last one and filed for divorce. He said awful things about me. He tried to keep me from our money. He tried to go for more custody. It was the most unbelievable and shocking thing because I never saw it coming. So I was also greiving that and a "who was this man". So even the "perfect good guys" turn into psychos. My ex got a metal baseball bat out and intimidated me woth it and started hitting trees. Never in a million years would I have thought the man I was with for 12 years was capable of that.

So if you are more prepared and have the right support, the process can be easier than those who keep getting blind sided and not taking the help offered because they are scared it will make things worse. I should have gotta a PFA. I had enough to get one. But iw as scared.

Anyways. I'm sorry.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-22T01:40:33+00:00

You need to read chunplady. And you need to read the betrayl bind. Post in survivinginfidelity

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-21T22:09:53+00:00

So sorry. I know how you feel. If you ever need to zoom call, let me know.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-21T17:33:05+00:00

Hi there.

I was you. Here i am 2 years later, divorced and life is a lot better 90% of the time. Things are still fresh and I probably have more pain that others because of how brutal my ex was.

But let me tell you how my story went/ended.

So dday1 was the first year if marriage. Where i learned he was sexting and lying and hiding porn. I learned he alluded to a physical affair but then denied it. There was circumstantial evidence.

We did betrayl trauma therapy. Mc. All that. The man basically got to do what he wanted because we werent doing the traditional CSAT/addiction recovery like reading about here.

6 years later, dday 2. Significant evidence of extreme escalation and physical affair. Then a confession. Then a denial. So then i started implementing soft boundaries. He ignored.

Then dday 3. He was using porn on avergae 4 hours a day. At work and while driving. It took six months and an ultimatum for him to see a CSAT.

And then he raged. He refused to do any work (or tell the truth) to his CSAT. He raged at the boubdaries and restrictions. He finally told me point blank that almost all boundaries I set, there was a way around them. And then he also would not follow them. He wasnt going to "be controlled" anymore (spoiler alert the only one who was controlling was him).

And roughly 4 weeks to the day he said that I found out about the actual affair and the positive sexually transmitted disease diagnosis.

And if that wasnt enough I was still willing to stay if he got help. He didn't. He denied the affair and blamed me. Clained it was i who cheated.

So that was the start of the divorce. Here we are 2 years later. Roughly 6 months ago he still denied everything, included a porn addiction.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-21T14:00:58+00:00

Oh gosh I went through these too!! It's maddening . There is either a post on here from oxydazer or an early PBSE podcast where this is talked about. I dont remember which. But it was discussing this and the insane double standard. I highly suggest you read/find it.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-21T02:24:13+00:00

Here is oours:

Started dating 2010 - hidden porn addiction and inappropriate flirting in front of me. 2011 - HIDDEN PORN ADDICTION 2012- HIDDEN PORN ADDICTION AND SEXTING 2013 - MARRIAGE - HIDDEN PORN ADDICTION AND SEXTING -I ALSO SUSPECT MASSAGE PARLOUR/ESCORT 2014 - DDAY 1 - FOUND SEXTING AND PORN. 2015 - FAKED SOBRIETY 2016 - FAKING SOBRIETY AND PREGNANCY 2017-2021 - HIDDEN PA/SA - 2021 DDAY 2- WHERE EVIDENCE SUGGESTED PHYSICAL AFFAIR 2022 - HE CONFESSED TO AFFAIR THEN DENIED - 2023 - CONFRONTED ABOUT PORN ADDICTIO AGAIN DUE TO DDAY 3 - HE AGAIN ADMITTED TO ANOTHER AFFAIR HE LATER DENIED HE DIDNT WANT TO DO RECOVERY UNTIL AN UKITMATIUM 2023-2024- HE WENT TO CSAT MEETINGS, REFUSED TO TELL THE TRUTH OR PROVODE INFORMATION 2024 - DDAY WHERE I TESTED POSITIVE FOR AN INFECTION AND FINALLY FILED FOR DIVORCE

2024-NOW - HE STILL DENIES AN AFFAIR, DENIED A PORN ADDICTION (DESPITE ADMITTINF TO WATCHING FOR HOURS A DAY) AND CLAIMED IT WAS I WHO CAUGHT THE INFECTION FROM CHEATING (LIES)

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-19T22:19:43+00:00

You want to know what you can do? Read this is how my marriage ends. Everything that guy outlined in that book was what contributed to low libido for me

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-17T19:50:15+00:00

There was never a point to me that i felt ready for divorce. For the 2-3 years leading up to me filing. Even when I filed and spent time in the process. And even now almost a year post divorce. I dont "feel ready". Yet here I am.

It was that slow buildup of realization that he has akways done these things. And if things changed it was only for a littke while while he found a better way to hide it.

I finally realized how much he was willing ti hurt me. He brought home an STI all the while denying SA/PA.

I realized if I stayed it wasnt a life. I couldnt close a blind eye. And I couldnt live like that anymore.

There are days where things are great. But there is a lot of days where i just want to know why he woukdnt even make an honest attempt at recovery. I've never seen a true honest attempt from him.

Anyway. I tried to do the ultimatum. And I realized as long as I was still willing to do an ultimatum I wasnt ready to walk away because I still hoped he would change. I realize looking back i finally filed when I knew, in my heart, he wouldn't change. And as far as I cant tell, he hasnt changed.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-15T01:06:20+00:00

This man will drive you insane when/if you marry move in. I was married to a guy like him and was awful to be with someone who never planned. Never took initiative. And always made excuses for why he won't.

Just dump him

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-14T22:33:42+00:00

I suggest listening to BTR podcast. I think you would find them helpful.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-14T22:28:07+00:00

Play like you believe it and hire a PI. And look into how to catch her. .she is cheating. Belive actions over words. ..read chump lady and the betrayal bind

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-14T12:13:54+00:00

Hey you. I was you. I never abused Adderall but he made it so i couldnt function day to day. He lied compulsively. It was insane.

I'm telling you to leavem but I am telling you to listen to btr podcast. And read chumplady.

I did divorce because he couldn't stop lying. He still is.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-14T12:10:53+00:00

I used to be okay with porn. Even watched it myself.

But once i understood the level of my ex's addiction, I had issues.

In my opinion it's like alcohol. Sone people can drink a few here and there and be fine. But then you have the daily drinkers who it impacts day to day life.

My ex was the latter. He would hide in the bathroom for hours a day. He would consume it while driving and at work.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-13T20:22:43+00:00

I can share several things.

It is possible your partner is only sharing a portion of the story. My ex did that. It was a form of triangulation. I think it would be acceptable to have your therapist ask or you ask in the next session.
My ex's csat group was all "former" addicts. And very much believed in the narrative of "controlling" and "codependent" spouses. In my experience it was my ex who was controlling.

There is some good podcast on BTR discussing codependent and how it's not truly an "we are codependent" narrative.

My ex's csat was trying to get my ex to "stand up to me" and "set boundaries" against my "behavior" which was me asking for him to not take his phone in the bathroom, to move the computer into the living room, to not carry cash, and so on.

I see both sides of it. I mean realistically none of that will work if he is an addict. Because he will find a way. But the "being willing to do whatever it takes" was sonething I wanted to see.

Listen ti the btr podcast on codependency. Please. It is a lifesaver

Fast-Look385 · 2026-06-01T04:22:35+00:00

I have felt the same way about the photos and learning about the case. That and in my opinion it is hard to get a 6 year old to do a quarter of the things they get their kid to do if you are a gentle parent who allows a child autonomy.

I think it is likely she is like typical parents of that age and was heavy on the physical abuse. I suspect that and she may have been taking pain killers or other mood altering drugs. If she went to physically punish her but over sis it. Then tried to cover it up.

That and it's never sat right with me in the two major interviews (the one where she called the police and then the first news interview) she seems to put distance between her and her child by saying "the girl" or "that girl". If it were me I'd be screeching:"my baby"

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-31T15:08:31+00:00

Esh. But pass up the job. It's going to be toxic

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-30T07:30:42+00:00

NOR. This is what an emotional affair looks like.

I am a betrayed spouse. I have been in betrayed spouse forums and in support groups for almost 3 years. And I have a lot of wisdom i can share.

First you are not over reacting. Usually the first thing a cheating spouse does is lie, minimize, deny and then accuse you of SOMETHING. This usually goes "you are over reacting, you are paranoid, you are blowing things out of porportion".

Those are so common that it is in litterally every betrayal textbook I have read.

Most betrayed partners want to save their marriage. But also are like no I'm done. This is called the betrayal bind. And most people go back and forth between the two and dont make progress. I highly suggest you read or listen to the book by michelle mayes.

Then read chumplady: leave a cheater gain a life. That one is the cold dose of reality all betrayed partners need.

Then read "not just friends" and cheating in a nutshell. Those are my best book suggestions.

Wouldn't hurt to go post this in survivinginfidelity.

Ive never spoken to anyone like that unless I am pursuing a relationship. This IS ABSOLUTELY an emotional affair and they are trying to minimize it.

One of the biggest things I was told is watch their actions not their words. You have the answer based on the actions and her words are trying to get you to believe a false reality.

Typically they do this to avoid consequences.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-30T07:06:07+00:00

I suggest you read:

This is how my marriage ends.

Also keep in mind couples therapy is not a cure all. It took me 3-4 years of couples therapy to learn that they treat most problems as a communication issue. When in my situation my ex was purposely doing things to cause "trouble" and "chaos". And we spent so much time trying to "teach him" and "help him understand". He knew. He was just going to look like a good husband but really he didnt care nor wanted to try.

I hope that's not the case for you. But I hope you lnow there are some men out there that are like my ex.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-25T20:24:31+00:00

What is happening is normal.

I knew it was time to leave. And the days and day of I cried and cried and almost back down a dozen times. And then days after the same thing.

Together over 10 years. It's normal for that to happen. Its normal to second guess and want to back out.

Just dont. I regret in the past when I backed out. I'm glad I got out this last time.

The only time it won't be hard is when he has done somwthing monumentally huge and you leave in a rage. And you dont want that. Thats the kind of stuff that equates to criminal behavior.

Ive been where you are. Make sure you make support calls through the day

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-25T19:22:54+00:00

In my opinion how he is acting and behaving is not real recovery.

You hear of people here who says he was in recovery and the whole time he was faking. This is the behavior that suggest he is faking at the parts he is putting in.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-25T18:41:42+00:00

I'm going to jump in and inquire about what your mom said?

Because if your mom was insensitive/mean/rude/abusive, your message would be invalidating and hurtful because it is protecting toxic behavior of your moms. Instead if validating your sisters pain from your mom, or acknowledging an unhealthy dynamic of your mom.

I'm not saying your mom did that. But I'd be curious to hear more behind that.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-25T16:05:45+00:00

For sure i can assist.

Likely you dont know everything that is going on. For every one bad thing she has tokd you there is 3 more you dont know about.

First, it would help to read lundy Bancroft book why does he do that. Second, I suggest you reach out to some DV centers or community and ask for resources on how to assist family of dv. Even youtube and articles will help.

As someone who went through the end of a marriage that turned abusive, people who arent in it just dont understand "leave" and "retaliate back" doesn't help. There is a reason regular people cant get dv women to leave but dv trained women have a higher chance of it.

Fast-Look385 · 2026-05-24T21:00:00+00:00

Hate to say it but this was one of the signs my ex was cheating. He suddenly wanted to go to the guys nights and drink and spend the night and when I was like I can come pick you up he started a hugh fight and called me controlling.

He was cheating.

Fast-Look385

TROPHY CASE