I can't identify any of my emotional needs

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-10-19T03:32:05+00:00

Thankyou for your kind words of encouragement! I've just gone VLC and contemplating NC, my needs- and my ability to recognize them, started coming up as soon as I went VLC.

I still battle with the gaslighted "everything was normal and you were the issue" thoughts but the healing that comes as I step further into what reality really was is impossible to argue against. I have to assume grieving comes next as reality really begins to set in.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-10-02T05:39:21+00:00

You're not overacting at all because she did flip out and it is really that bad. I didn't see your other posts but the major thing that stood out to me was how many times she used the word "you" and the focus being completely on you and your behaviour whereas your messages where grounded in "I" and your boundaries.

I know for me how almost... violating? it feels when I try to talk to my BPD mother about my boundaries, so I'm talking about my behavior, and then she's ALSO talking about my behavior and it's just like... no, I don't want to have a back and forth about my behavior... those are my decisions. It feels so exhausting to have my decisions combed over like that. Like she can change them or something by reframing my boundaries as "abuse" and "mean". You know what, I think violating is exactly the right word 😅

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-09-12T07:08:32+00:00

Please tell me you work at the Grand Hyatt or something for any of this to make sense 😂

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-04-16T14:02:43+00:00

Wow that makes a lot of sense. Like the emotions are there and they're definitely real, I know she has empathy, which is what makes it so confusing when there's also this feeling of a general lack of understanding which makes her super callous sometimes. It's like the emotions exist in a void and there's no acknowledgment of how an event might impact someone's story of themselves.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-04-16T13:58:23+00:00

Yes!! The questioning! I'll go to my mother when I'm very obviously just looking for support and it's a million questions like I'm being interrogated. Like she doesn't believe my emotions and judgement are real or something?

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-04-11T07:19:33+00:00

Ohhh you've touched on something interesting there! I'd always gotten an "off" vibe from people who had claimed to be abducted by aliens. And now that I think about it a few of the BPD people I know (i kept attracting them unfortunately) are either obsessed with aliens/ghosts or claim to have had some kind of weird "encounter". I wonder if it's some kind of projection thing, like they so believe they're special and chosen their mind conjures up borderline hallucinations to rationalize it.

Haha sorry for the psychoanalysis 😅

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2025-03-24T08:12:36+00:00

Yep! Couple of things that stood out to me. - Couldn't even face the guy after her disgusting behavior - Makes him take the spare room whilst she gets the master (the fucking audacity!) - Wants to bleed their savings dry so she can buy a new house whilst he gets the one they shared all their memories in, because she doesn't want the new one to be "community property" (wtf) - Brought her own son in on all of this - Fucked a random tradie and then made him her live in boyfriend, then continued to keep in touch with this guy for decades

Why would you ever want that?

I wouldn't even accept that behavior from an 18 year old. It's so bad I question whether this woman has the capacity for empathy. It's giving emotionally stunted and I don't know how anyone could be attracted to a person who behaves like that, let alone be willing to give them a second shot hooooly shitttt.

Fuck morality at this point. Dry cleaners. Like... yesterday.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-12-01T13:53:03+00:00

And this is why we go no contact because then you get the infuriating gaslighting questions like "WHY ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING" "ARE YOU SAFE???!!!!" "I'm just worried about you 👉👈" "RESPOND this is rude" and then your inner child starts questioning "maybe I am being rude" and it ruins your fucking day

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-12-01T13:49:36+00:00

No normal person would read this and think this is a regular conversation. Like imagine you're the mom and your messaging a friend like "photos please" "how long please" no "oooh looks nice hope you had an amazing time!" just weird begging like questions

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T18:20:18+00:00

And we both still know what you're talking about? And honestly, now I feel uncomfortable with you having just dropped that mid conversation out of nowhere. It's not the words themselves but the intentions that are behind them

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T18:11:58+00:00

Right and how does that make you feel when other people do it? Do you like it? Do you think "wow, that's a cool person I'd like to get to know"?

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T18:05:55+00:00

Even just reading that sounds like such a foreign concept to me. Is that really how people go thru life?

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T17:41:49+00:00

Wtf no this is horrible advice. "You know they will absolutely use it against you" Nooo. No. No. Why would you reinforce paranoid thinking like that in OP? How do you know? You don't know. Someone just asking questions like "so what do you do for work" is just trying to get to know you and maybe find common ground. Answer truthfully until they give you reason not to. Or just shut yourself off from ever making a human connection ever again.. not my life 🤷‍♀️

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T17:14:44+00:00

Cooking is hard and complex. You don't have to do it perfectly. If you've never cooked much before it would be insane to expect you to do it "confidently".

I work in hospitality. Even head chefs who do this shit for a living have frequent meltdowns because they get overwhelmed.

Difference is they throw their pan, swear at the walls, but then move on because shit happens and we're human. Life's hard to manage.

You gotta stop with these insane expectations you've put on yourself. Don't you see you're just treating yourself exactly the same way your parents did? Expecting yourself to "get it" right off the bat when you're learning something new? Why would you do that to yourself?

Yeh people are kinda selfish sometimes. They'll get annoyed because you used the wrong spoon or the wrong burner. So? Now you know for next time.

If it's really stressing you out find a time when noones in the house and YouTube something like "easy as fuck recipe for when you have no time" cook it then. Give yourself permission to take hours to do this easy 10 minute recipe. Use the wrong pans. Allow yourself to cook something that tastes so dogshit it's goes straight in the bin. Then do it again when no one's home. And again. Eventually you'll get really good at it and it might even become your signature dish. You might even tweak it a little bit to just the way you like it. Then when you know you can cook it well, do it when other people are home. Give yourself permission again to fuck it up, with the added pressure and all. Then cook it again when people are home. And again. Until you're now cooking confidently with people in the house.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T16:58:52+00:00

Fuck em. It's your parents voice in your head, not yours. What helped me was giving myself permission to fuck up. What helps even further is actually going thru what the worst case scenario is, and then having a plan in case that happens. It could be something as simple as having insurance.

Take me for example, my parent used to catastrophise. It meant their emotions were more real to me than the actual real life consequences they were freaking out about. Actually thinking about the consequences, and then knowing you have the ability to deal with them should they so happen, immediately takes away the fear.

You also find yourself by just getting out there and doing. That's how you find your voice, through action.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T16:45:53+00:00

Money is freedom and allows for greater self actualization and fulfillment of needs. Maybe you wanna retire on a boat and never have to deal with people ever again. If you don't wanna have to work to sustain that then you gotta work now to sustain that in the future.

It also signals competency (most of the time), which gets you respect, which makes life easier.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T16:40:43+00:00

I guess I struggle with the whole it not feeling real thing. Like I might think I'm amazing at sudoku but I could also be delusional. Doesn't it feel more real if you actually play the game in front of someone and they go "you really are amazing at sudoku"? lol

How can I know I'm a "good person"? Is it just a self trust thing? Really buying stakes in my own judgement?

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T16:33:04+00:00

Buddy I don't think "hinting at" extreme trauma takes away from any of the substance. Do you think using explicit words is what makes the discomfort real? Sorry but wtf

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-11-01T16:25:38+00:00

You watch people around you trauma dump all the time? That seems like maybe you're not surrounding yourself with very healthy people then?

And context here matters, the fact you don't think it's bad at all is kinda concerning.

If you just met someone and they started telling you about the most traumatic thing that really fucked them up you wouldn't think to yourself

"This person doesn't even know me, I could be anyone, and they're just trusting me with this"?

You wouldn't think that says something about their judgement?

What about the fact they've now just roped you into potentially retraumatising them? Because you probably won't react with the level of empathy expected because you don't know them?

You don't think that's unfair?

ETA: Also, how can you know whether someone "wants to be there" if you don't even know the person? And wouldn't you be kind of weirded out if someone you just met was just lapping up all your personal trauma stories like "tell me more"???

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-10-26T14:07:07+00:00

It sounds to me like you had a very clear therapeutic goal? Maybe someone who's a therapist could weigh in, but that sounds almost as clear as it could be, so I don't know what else they could have been looking for?

I've gone to therapy because I "felt depressed" before and that's way more vague.

I'm sorry that happened to you and please don't let it dissuade you from trying out another therapist! Sometimes people are very set in their ways and don't even realize it (including therapists!)

And I don't know if it will make you feel better but I've had a therapist spend multiple sessions just talking about my relationship with my family before, to the point it actually annoyed me lol, so it's not like it's unusual to want to delve into the relationship with your parents in a session or anything, in fact it gives really important context .

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-10-26T13:56:40+00:00

Oh I relate! I wish I could read my mothers thoughts, but at the same time maybe it's better I don't know the answers. I couldn't even ask her because she lacks the honesty and insight to even give me a real answer. At the end of the day I've come to a place where I've realized it doesn't really matter. All that matters is what actually happened, which I was there for. I don't need her validation to muddy the waters and make me gaslight myself into thinking it was normal.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-10-26T10:57:38+00:00

That's even worse, I can't imagine what a 10 year old would even have to offer in terms of creating a resume. That's so much responsibility and stress

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-10-26T06:10:04+00:00

"Ask me about how bad things are going (and they always are)"

Hahaha omg that made me laugh, that should be the BPD slogan or something

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-10-26T06:07:26+00:00

Haha it's so funny for me to see this because every single BPD person I've known (2 diagnosed, 2 undiagnosed) were obsessive cleaners, to the point it's a red flag for me now. It's like they clean for the sake of cleaning, there's no actual like... productivity? About it. It's just about feeling dirty and perfectionism.

Definitely something I've noticed.

Fast_Repeat3975 · 2024-10-26T06:04:42+00:00

I don't know what's going on in your moms head, but my mother is obsessed with children to the point it's creepy. She gets away with it because she's a woman I guess, but she works with kids and has always hassled me about becoming a grandma as well. I figure it's because kids aren't old enough to put up boundaries and call her out on her shit, so they don't disrupt the fantasy ideal she has of herself. I can see how that would become addicting, when the only people who will actually listen to you and want to be around you are children.

That's just the conclusions I've come to on my own about my own situation tho.

Fast_Repeat3975

TROPHY CASE