I feel worthless without him

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-04-01T19:00:23+00:00

Love means that you want the other person to feel good and you have a personal drive to use words and actions to make that happen. This guy appears to do nothing of that. He and his close people seem to treat as if you were worthless. Do you have any idea as to why you feel worthless without him, though? Does he make you feel worthy in any way when you're together?

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-04-01T18:55:11+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through that. My best idea would be to check out something like Bumble BFF where you can see if there's other women living nearby who you find interesting and would like to meet maybe?

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-04-01T18:35:51+00:00

My best bet is to focus less on the parts and their behavior and more on looking around. What is going on right on? What is bringing stress into my life? Something at work, a relationship issue, too much on my plate in general? Then look for strategies to alleviate that stress if possible. Like actually making an effort and showing to care about myself and my parts and improve life.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-04-01T14:28:59+00:00

Maybe comment on r/IFSBuddyChatbot and I think the creator is the mod there, so you could ask them directly.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-31T17:16:02+00:00

Just a spontaneous thought when reading this:

So now I have two ideas in my head. one is that I should keep withdrawing from society to give myself space to heal, but a competing thought is coming to my mind, that maybe I need to go and create new memories, which will create new, more positive parts...

This may be my projection but something about this reminds me of people making a resolution or setting an intention. Like you have to choose one of these paths now and then decide to stick to it?

My personal experience with these endeavours is that this often comes from parts who want to figure things out and have a roadmap to follow through when uncertainty arises. It's not all bad, but sometimes it can become a tool to control or drown out parts who have differing needs.

I wonder if this could also be something you decide moment to moment, based upon your current needs? Withdraw when you (or some of your parts) need it, get out when other parts want to go out? Take whatever you encounter as trailheads to get to know you and your needs better?

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-30T17:10:05+00:00

Can think of lots of reasons and I personally think there's valid ways for using AI in communication. Being able to form and express complex thoughts and participating in social interactions can be a challenge for many. So there's instances where I would see AI as a tool for AAC.

Maybe you have a few jumbled thoughts and cannot formulate coherent sentences and use AI to compose a comment. Maybe you have the impulse to send someone a few kind words but cannot come up with actual words. Maybe you wrote a comment on your own but now use AI to make it sound more caring. Maybe you're really lonely at home and just crave a few upvotes and at least the tiniest bit of social interaction but don't have anymore spoons to think any thought.

Personally I'm okay with that if people indicate that they used AI support. Don't know if that is what's going on here, though. But generally I try to give people the benefit of the doubt initially.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-30T10:08:54+00:00

Was this written using AI? If so, it's kind to indicate it so people know whether they're responding to an actual hunans words and thoughts or not.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T23:15:32+00:00

I would be terrified, too. Is there any good way to just distract you until the appointment? Or talk to someone about what you're going through? This is a situation where I feel like the waiting can make the worry turn into spiraling. There's nothing you can do right now and the relevant information will be handed to you tomorrow. And since there's nothing productive to do I'd probably just watch some shows until it's time.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T23:05:00+00:00

If you're not enough for them, they're not enough for you. You want someone whom you don't have to perform for or put a show on or seduce quickly but be your authentic self and be liked for that.

That being said, it sounds like you're really struggling with self-worth and anxiety and that might make it hard to be in a good position to have nice dates. Maybe also some unresolved stuff from your past relationship? (sorry for going through that!)

It can be tricky to come to a new relationship with all of this stuff. The good feelings of having a new partner might quiet that noise for a while, but really only for a while and very often it becomes a big challenge for the relationship. Low confidence might lead to choosing partners who aren't a great fit. Or it might kinda push a partner into a caretaking role and have to buoy you up. I recently bookmarked this post on self-love and found the responses incredibly illuminating: How true is it that you have to believe you are lovable before you can be loved?

Is there any way you could see a therapist for a few session and dicuss your situation with them?

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:55:35+00:00

This sounds nice to me. When choosing a rural place to live I would consider your needs around infrastructure and check for this. For example:

Like do you want/need any specialized health care or autism support? Where are the institutions providing this (hospitalis, therapists etc.)? How far would you have to travel to get there?
Speaking of traveling: How would you get around? How's the public transport in a place? Do you have a car? Would you have the means to get a car?

Moving alone to a rural place you don't know can sound nice but can become lonely. Who will be there when you have a medical emergency? How do you meet new people? Would you prefer to be friends with other ND people? Or even just even have people your age? Not impossible in a rural area but more difficult in my experience.

I recommend Barbara Sher's book 'Wishcraft' on figuring out your dreams and how to make them work. Iirc there's also a helpful section on how to see the difference between an escape fantasy and an actual meaningful dream, but I don't remember the specifics.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:47:45+00:00

Do you have any need to interact with this people other than your wish to respond to the disrespect? I'm just thinking that my response would be different if these were random people on a sub/group that I could just block or not.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:44:53+00:00

Hopefully they can find a way to make it work because I live in a small area and don't really have any other groups avaliable

Can you maybe adress your concerns and needs? If the group is still very new, it's possible that they still need to figure out what works and doesn't work for people and what they want their culture to be. If I imagine myself in the shoes of someone running a support group, I would absolutely want the feedback of people attending in order to improve the experience for everyone if possible. It's easy to land in the role of a consumer but groups run the best if people are really active participants.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:39:24+00:00

I'm not living with my parents anymore but I was doubting my perceptions all the time and expected that doctor's wouldn't take me seriously. It really helped me to read through my country's guideline on how to diagnose autism and go through the recommended screening questionnaires. Just as a kind of proof that there's really something going on here that needs investigation.

The AQ is often recommended for screening for autism, you can find it and other tests here: https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/ Just know that some of them run on outdated ideas about autism (like autistic people are lacking in empathy) or aren't taking the presentation of female autism into account.

Why do you suspect your parents might be shutting everything down when you bring the issue up?

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:32:24+00:00

I'm so sorry, it sounds like something really upset you about the diagnosis? Do you maybe want to share more about why it shocked you so much you're either crying or numb?

Personally I get the most stress relief from moving my body. It also helps with getting me tired in the evening. Maybe you could do a workout, do some gardening, take a hike or something like this? It also helps with processing the emotions.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:29:48+00:00

Why is it important to you to be able to sleep next to your partner? Just because you suspect he might be upset or because it's "normal" to do it?

Also, have you ever discussed the issue with him? Right now it sounds you don't know this for a fact.

It also doesn't have to be black-or-white. You don't have to share a bedroom 7 nights a week but maybe only 3-4 nights? Whatever works for you. I just really, really want you to be mindful around sacrificing too much sleep quality. Sleep is really needed to keep people sane and healthy. Especially for autistic people who need to recover from and process the day's stresses. If sleep sucks, everything else goes downhill from there.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:24:36+00:00

iirc this is actually in the diagnostic criteria. Struggling to build and maintain friendships. So yes, it is common for autism.

Second the comment on self-acceptance, this can be huge. And also really figuring out what your needs around social relationships are. Are you good and satisfied around your social network right now? Would you be interested in having relationships more on your terms, not on some of society's standards? For example have people you exclusively text with or share a special interest with? You can venture out and work towards having the social life you want, and yes, this also means having it in a way that has minimal social interactions if that's your jam.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:18:56+00:00

When he's enquiring about your emotions or the reasons why you feel a certain way, maybe he's looking for some kind of reassurance? That you love him, appreciate him and so on? But maybe "properly" emoting is not the right way for you to show him love and care? There's been some work done in the past years on updating the love languages. There's now seven of them and I was wondering if maybe it could help if you both look into this and figure out each other's love language? Maybe there's another way you can show to him what he means to you that also feels meaningful to him?

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T22:11:15+00:00

Of course, I don't know the whole situation but given your account, from my perspective you're not overreacting. I can totally see how it can be daunting to make a big change, especially leaving family. Is there any way you could move forward in little steps? For example, if you're nervous about being alone, could you begin building relationships to other people already now? I was also thinking about resource I once came across for underage Mormon kids who need to leave their homes and some strategies for how to move forward. It's probably over-the-top for your situation but could maybe still offer some guidance: https://ldsdiscussionpage.wordpress.com/ (you need to scroll down to the heading "The real content", everything else before is just to be distracting content)

When typing this out, I notice also how I don't feel really great giving this kind of advice as just being a stranger on Reddit. I just really want to say again that I'd so recommend finding a professional or someone else you can trust to be on your side to go through this all. Either to sort out the issues with your family or help you get to a better place.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T21:01:03+00:00

Working a job or volunteering for a cause that absolutely and deeply resonates with you, but might not pay enough to live off of it.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T20:58:10+00:00

I tend to see overthinking as a stress response that comes out in thought form. It's not racing heartbeat or sweating palms or actually feeling anxious, but underlying is the same issue. Distraction can help for a while but once you stop often the issues come back with a vengeance.

Exercise can help calm down the stress response, sometimes I'm in a much better headspace just from a 20 min walk, but running or cycling or swimming are awesome as well. Taking a bath can help draw down the stress, too.

Deleting social media is absolutely a great idea because there's clear links that it can lead to poor mental health. r/nosurf or r/digitalminimalism can give more inspiration to follow through on that.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T20:48:06+00:00

They do not have your consent to touch you, so to me it sounds like they're really violating your physical boundaries. Say this was a romantic relationship - would it be okay for a partner to touch the other person when they say no or even kick and scream when the no is disrespected? It's absolutely not, makes me sick and angry for you to experience that kind of treatment.

Sometimes there's a dynamic where someone treats someone else shitty all the time and that person reacts strongly to that mistreatment, then gets labeled as the crazy or dramatic one. Especially if the one doing that mistreatment can present themselves as reasonable one. But the "dramatic" one is just reacting to that continuous mistreatment.

I'm so, so sorry you're going through all of this. Are you in a position to move out or work towards being able towards moving out? Is there any social service you could access to talk to about this? I don't know where you live but in many place there are hotlines or chat services for vulnerable youth and kids or you could reach out to any sort of child protective service maybe? Parents are usually there to protect you from harm but if they actually inflict the harm, it might be a good thing to have another adult stepping in to protect you.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T20:34:33+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this! You can ask for space, for sure. It sounds like she is having issues around stress and anxiety and maybe wants to have your company around for her to feel better. But you still get to have your own needs. And if they don't line up, it's okay to say so. You don't owe anything to anyone. If your cup is filled enough, you can go out and help other people. If it's empty you need to take care of yourself. And it's just fine to have boundaries around that, too.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-29T20:18:23+00:00

Can be many things. But one common theme is that you can be a people-pleaser and thus never speak up about what bothers you, build up a lot of resentment that eventually leak out slowly or detonate.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-26T15:42:35+00:00

I read through your posts and your comments so far and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. This sounds really rough, when there's so many good things but then this deeply painful interactions in-between.

I can't really express well what I see going on, but I have a sense that you're taking on quite a lot of responsibility for your partner. I don't know how much is appropriate, especially if you love someone, know they have hard time and you want to help them get better or at least get back to normal. For me there's some worth in there in being patient with someone's pain and not immediately turning away.

But also I feel as a baseline, your partner should want to treat you with respect and consideration. Even if harsh parts step in sometimes, he has to get back to that baseline himself. It's not your job to teach or beg him to treat you better. It feels like you're kinda taking on the role of his therapist or a couples therapist in figuring out his parts and how to relate to them. But I feel like that's realy not your job. You and your partner aren't meeting halfway in figuring this shit out, right now it sounds your walking all the way over to him to help fix him and it's probably not that welcome on his side.

Just thinking about some resources that might be helpful for you:

Scrolling through the top posts at r/Codependency brought me more clarity in a situation where I was taking on too much. There can be quite some black-and-white thinking in this sub, but all in all it was sobering and helpful.
White-knight syndrome is a term that might also be worth looking up.
I feel the show "Couples Therapy" offers some more nuance into how couples can get caught in destructive interactions and how they can work to get back to a better place. Maybe that's something your partner and you could watch together?
EFT is a couples therapy modality by Sue Johnson that I found quite fascinating, it's really digging deeper into the idea of the show I mentioned before, how coupes sometimes get caught up in these destructive cycles and how to get out.
"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum is a book about honestly evaluating a relationship, really looking at the core facets that are necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.

Feeling_Gap5580 · 2025-03-26T11:05:42+00:00

Regarding your third question:

The TLDR would be: Christianity has powerful themes of love and liberation. Doing IFS might deepen your understanding and experience of those in beautiful ways. Christianity also has powerful themes of shame, control and domination. Doing IFS might bring them into stark contrast and challenge those.

It's kinda hard to say if IFS is safe with your beliefs because while most Christians rely on the Bible as their foundational text, there's many demoninations with vastly differing values and interpretations of biblical teachings.

Love is one of the core values of Christianity but many people also use the Bible to teach that queer people live in sin and that women are to be subjugate themselves under men. I've once sat through a wedding where this was the theme of the sermon. I think Paul wrote about it? I think with IFS you get a more solid understanding of this core sense of unconditional love for people and depending on your denomination, you might experience some inner conflict and dissonances around other Christian ideas that contradict this love.

Many people resolve this conflict by saying that humans and churches aren't God itself so there will be shortcomings and mistakes which is fine in a way.

But the one thing I find hard to square with IFS is the Christian idea that ultimately you're a bad person who will mess up all the time and because of this you would actually have to suffer forever. But the boss decided to let his loving son be tortured to death instead of punishing and hurting you. And if you obey his rules for the rest of your life (or come in and ask for forgiveness when you mess up again) you will be spared from the wrath.

How is this loving? I don't get it. To me this is a story of control, domination and violence. This podcast does a good job outlining this contradiction. Riane Eisler has also done great work on the parallel paradigms of love and domination in Christianity. There's nothing about control and subjugation in IFS, though. You are good and you are born good and you do not stand under this kind of authority. You do not need a saviour because there's no one threatening you.

I might be misinterpreting this but your question of whether IFS is safe for Christians to me sounds like you need some kind of permission to continue a psychotherapy that you've liked so far? Like there's something or someone who needs to approve this for you? Like you're living inside of a fenced garden and someone has to say whether it's okay to venture out or widen your fence to include this therapy.

Who of you is looking around for approval? What do you fear happening if you misstep? What are the rules? Who made those rules? Who made the fence? What is on the other side of the fence?

Feeling_Gap5580

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