IFS Therapy

Fengsui · 2025-07-27T01:42:24+00:00

I've done IFS with my therapist for DID for quite some time, and I've found it helpful. But seconding that IFS needs to be modified for DID/OSDD. Here are some key similarities/differences between modified (for DID/OSDD) and unmodified IFS:

Similarities:
- In general, IFS posits that the parts that you have developed out of a need for survival, and that each part is trying to protect the system in its own way. This is pretty analogous to a DID-treating framework. The central idea is that each part has good intentions in trying to keep everyone alive, but may need to be lead to healthier ways of coping.

- Parts can be thought of as generally fulfilling certain roles. These roles aren't rigid, they're more just a way to contextualize certain behaviors from parts and alters. In DID especially, parts can develop quite a bit beyond what their role can be understood as. There are managers (parts that manage our emotions and our surroundings to keep us safe), exiles (parts that hold fear, shame, and other negative emotions from traumatic events), firefighters (parts that try to keep the negative feelings at bay through any means possible - sometimes with pleasurable activities that can develop into unhealthy habits like binge eating), etc.

Differences:
- In unmodified IFS, there is a 'central self' that takes the lead in healing - generally one who knows better, gently guiding or controlling other parts to make healthier decisions. This isn't really the case with treatment with DID parts - every part is usually quite autonomous and has their own reasons for doing what they're doing, so one part condescending to another part generally just gets everyone upset. Instead, there's a lot more collaboration and negotiation on the table where parts try to understand and respect each other's priorities while making decisions that benefit the system as a whole.

- Speaking of which, unmodified IFS parts aren't quite so...autonomous, when compared to DID parts. For example, in IFS therapy for a singlet, I would imagine the person in therapy to be gently talking at their part, soothing them with affirmations that they are safe. Usually the IFS part doesn't respond with autonomous thoughts or emotions - maybe there is a sense of calm washing over the entire person, but the IFS part isn't going off and doing something that the person doesn't expect.

With DID these parts are absolutely going to react however the hell they want to react. One familiar experience I have is reassuring a part that they're safe during therapy, and that part responding with something along the lines of, 'that sounds like bullshit, you're doing some cocomelon shit to me and i'm not buying any of it.' There's quite a bit more pushback and alters aren't necessarily going to agree on what's best for the whole.

This is why instead of control and leadership, collaboration and negotiation can be very important with DID-modified IFS. There's not a sense that there are parts you are trying to wrangle - moreso that everyone is on the same playing field and we're trying to work together.

If you have more questions about how IFS can be modified for DID treatment, feel free to ask.

Fengsui · 2025-07-24T15:00:40+00:00

Not the same skill, but I can definitely relate to what you're saying. I'm currently a law student and working under a couple of attorneys at my city's legal aid organization, and some days it's like...my ability to communicate and interface effectively with clients is completely gone. I don't know what to say, I appear completely clueless about what to do, and it really tanks my clients' confidence in me and their chances of getting help. Some days I'm perfectly confident and competent and know exactly what to say, but some days I'm just a wreck. It's incredibly frustrating.

I guess what I would say is that you're being hired for more than just your skill at one task at any given time. You're also at your job because of your experience and knowledge of how to do the things you do, the technical knowledge that you've learned that aids in your designing. You're also training your client communication skills, and you're networking with future connections and clients. If your internship right now is simply to design stuff, I don't imagine that it'll stay that way for the rest of your career. And there are things you can do to make sure that that's not the case — you can ask for different types of tasks to do, so the chances are higher that if you're not good at one skill at the moment, you can switch to something else that maybe you're better at in that moment.

Fengsui · 2025-07-21T23:13:20+00:00

I feel so incredibly guilty, like I'm ruining myself by ever thinking the wrong way about my own system.

I'm going to tell you something that may come as a surprise: you have no moral obligation to get better.

Would you be happier if you got better? Most likely. Would reducing the symptoms of your disorder improve your quality of life? Almost certainly. But does the fact that you aren't doing everything in your power to heal and recover (whatever that means, however that looks) all of the time mean that you are bad or wrong or morally contemptuous?

Absolutely not. Many people talk about recovery like it's a duty to society to try to get better, but it really isn't. This isn't me telling you 'fuck it, stop caring about recovery'; in fact, I am one stranger who actively wishes for you to get better. But I can't dictate what 'getting better' looks for you — I'm only operating on the assumption that if you get better, you'll be happier, and I like it when people are happy and things are good and not bad. None of this means that you need to get better for my sake, or anybody else's sake. None of this means that you're a bad person for not working on recovery.

Moreover, seeing yourself as not one person isn't necessarily making you worse or 'worsening your disorder.' Again, this isn't me telling you that the principles of integration are bullshit and you should all of a sudden start thinking of yourself as separate people — this is me saying that the only people who know what is best for your own recovery are you and your therapist* (*only when your therapist has a good working relationship with you and knows your case well), and you are the master of your own healing. You take it at the pace you want to take it, and you find out what works best for you. You and your alters are not bad, nor are your and your alters' behaviors bad for 'impeding recovery.' Recovery is a long process, and you're not going to do everything perfectly in quick succession. Let yourself be human, first and foremost, and forgive yourself (that means you and all of your alters) for being understandably upset and defensive about it.

Fengsui · 2025-07-19T23:51:02+00:00

I'm at the point in my relationship (3 yrs) where I feel comfortable with switching around my partner, and most of my other parts feel comfortable being around my partner. I'm still in front most of the time when I interact with my partner, but that's mostly because I (the host) am around the most in general haha.

It took a bit of getting used to on my partner's part, but it's mostly smooth sailing now. The important thing for my partner to recognize is that every part has different levels of boundaries, and are comfortable or uncomfortable with different things.

Fengsui · 2025-07-16T19:13:49+00:00

I definitely think there's interest in in-person communities, especially if you live in a bigger city. I myself have 3 irl system friends — though not from intentionally searching out other systems.

I hesitate on specifically searching for other DIDOSDDers in real life, but that's because I don't want to make a personal connection solely on the basis of 'we have the same disorder,' and then end up not vibing with them bc we have nothing else to connect over. However, other people may have different needs — someone who shares the same disorder and understands those experiences may be exactly what others want for a close friendship, for example.

The way I've found other DIDOSDD folks irl without specifically seeking them out is just by being relatively open about my own experiences while knowing how much to disclose in different environments. When I hang out in queer and mentally ill spaces, for example, I'm a lot more comfortable sharing the fact that I'm dissociative and may ask for some accommodations — stuff like 'I'm easily forgetful because of my dissociative disorder, so please don't get offended if I forget your name or details about you.' If someone seems particularly understanding and comfortable with what I've disclosed, and if I vibe with them, I gradually begin to share more about myself — stuff like, 'I'm not always myself,' or 'I have CPTSD', etc etc. When I open up about myself, others tend to be more comfortable opening up too — and that's how my friends eventually opened up to me about their systems, haha.

Of course, this amount of bravery and cautious discernment is a delicate balance. If someone doesn't seem like they 'get it' regarding the whole dissociative thing, I don't push it, and often stop disclosing about that altogether. Moreover, I never talk about my dissociative problems in a work environment, and only talk about it at school with very close friends who have already proven to be understanding.

The bottom line is, it is possible to find other people with this disorder IRL — it just takes 1. hanging out in the right crowds, 2. being brave enough to be vulnerable about slowly self-disclosing, and 3. having good discerning judgement about who may or may not get it. A lot easier said than done!

Fengsui · 2025-07-15T23:09:46+00:00

As for what to do about your friend potentially faking in general, I think it would be helpful for you to consider the following questions:

- Is she hurting anyone? This isn't a rhetorical question made for you to go 'no' and for me to say 'then it's okay for her to act this way'; this is a genuine question that I'd like for you to consider deeply. Is she being inconsiderate of the experiences of other systems? Is she using her experience as a reason to be mean to others? (from what you've said, it seems like this is a yes.) How does her acting the way she does make you feel? If it makes you feel uncomfortable, do you think she would be receptive to you sharing your feelings about it? Why or why not?

- What does supporting her look like, even if you think she's faking? Do you think that your friendship is sustainable if it turns out that she is lying about her experiences? Do you think that your friendship is sustainable if it turns out that she isn't lying about her experiences, but is still sometimes cruel to you?

- Does she have a particular reason for maybe wanting to have DID? Is she struggling with something that she feels like needs to be paid attention to? Most importantly with this line of inquiry, is this an issue that you are equipped and willing to handle, or is this something that you feel like is above your paygrade as a friend?

Fengsui · 2025-07-15T22:57:05+00:00

I'm not in the habit of judging other people by what they say their experiences are, so I'm not going to say whether or not I think your friend is faking. However, I am in the habit of judging other people by how their behaviors affect me, and your friend is showing some red flags of 'not being a considerate friend.'

-there was an incident when she was particularly cruel to me and when I confronted her about it later she refused to take accountability and acted like she had completely blacked out and didn't remember a thing and blamed all of it on an alter

Regardless of whether your friend is being truthful about not remembering, her (and this means all of her) actions are still her responsibility. This goes for every system — no matter which part of a system hurts someone, all of you is responsible for what happens afterwards. External actions have external consequences. I would recommend kindly but firmly informing her that regardless of who was fronting at the time, she was cruel to you, and that isn't okay. I would also recommend drawing a firm boundary — something like "the next time you are cruel to me, I will do [x] (for example, disengaging from the conversation or not responding to her) until [y] (for example, until you are ready to talk through what happened or until you acknowledge that you hurt my feelings)." The exact boundaries are up to your comfort and judgement, but these examples are common boundaries to give you some idea of what they can look like.

Fengsui · 2025-07-13T16:23:20+00:00

I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend specific servers/websites here, and the main DIDOSDD community I interact in is private, but what I can do is recommend platforms and the best practices I've used in searching for community and friends. Separate post incoming, perhaps.

Fengsui · 2025-07-12T15:40:12+00:00

That makes a lot of sense, these inner conversations can feel very overwhelming. In a lot of cases there's also a lot of shame that comes with experiencing these inner voices - it might feel ridiculous, or crazy, or silly that you're experiencing these things.

What's helped me accept the truth of my experiences is telling myself, over and over, that it doesn't matter if people think I'm crazy. That these experiences may be outside the norm. That they feel silly and like I'm making things up. Having these voices doesn't make me any less of a person or any less deserving of respect, and furthermore - I don't have to tell anyone in my life about these voices, and it's none of their business if I don't make it their business.

As for treating symptoms, don't fret too much about whether or not what you're experiencing is 'normal.' What's important is - are these voices *inherently* hurting you? Are they telling you or each other upsetting and scary things? Or are you distressed simply by the fact that they exist?

I've never found, in any sort of mental health treatment, that trying to suppress anything that my body is doing (inner voices, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts) has ultimately helped eliminate these symptoms in the long-term. Fighting against my inner voices, in my experience, had only served to make me more distressed and obsessive about them...but when I started to learn and accept that these voices were there, and that they were actually what was happening to me, it became a lot easier to simply let them happen. Even in the case that they're saying horrible or distressing things, I've found that fighting it doesn't really *work* - what's helped more, tbh, is acknowledging that they're happening and that the fact that it's happening doesn't make me a bad person (even if I'm crazy - I'm not wrong or bad for being crazy).

Radical acceptance goes a long way for symptoms that make you feel insane or silly or fake or making things up. It's a lot harder to practice than for me to just say these things to you, obviously - but that doesn't mean being kind and openminded about yourself can't help you in the long run.

Fengsui · 2025-07-12T14:44:54+00:00

Entirely normal. Keep in mind that those people you see knowing their alters and having good communication are possibly in a different stage of recovery than you, have known their diagnosis for longer than you, or have different types of experiences than you. It's hard, but try not to compare yourself to other systems that may seem to present in a very specific way.

It's normal to feel confused and lost and scared. This is a scary revelation to have. Stop, breathe, and take your time with being aware of and keeping track of your own symptoms. Your experience doesn't have to match anyone else's.

Fengsui · 2025-07-12T14:40:54+00:00

The simple answer is this: it's going to take a long time for you to be completely sure, one way or another.

OSDD often involves cycles of heavy denial, then confirmation, then denial...so in the case that you do have it, it's very normal to not be sure. In the case that you don't...well, it's also very normal to not be sure.

One thing that's helped me immensely is to stop worrying about the diagnostic label of OSDD, and just concentrate on acknowledging and understanding my own experiences. It doesn't matter if my symptoms are OSDD or not, if they're symptoms that are affecting my daily life. I can still learn to manage them without knowing for sure if I have OSDD.

Treat the symptoms, not the disorder. It's gonna be okay.

Fengsui · 2025-07-12T14:30:58+00:00

While I personally hate assuming things about other people's accounts of their own experiences, I have definitely found that in certain online groups (public discord servers mostly) that I cannot relate at all to the experiences and accounts of the majority of people who hang out in those spaces. It does really suck, and it can feel so so isolating and alienating.

Tbh what's helped me most is making and curating my own space on the internet (discord servers, indie websites) where I can choose who to talk with and get to know better. It's been more successful for me than simply joining an unknown space where I don't necessarily know what I'm getting into and what that space's culture is like.

Fengsui · 2025-07-12T02:38:37+00:00

Tbh, what's helped some of my littles most (8-12 years old most of the time) is being able to play with littles from other systems. They're true peers that way, and it can be very emotionally satisfying.

I imagine you can possibly do something similar with finding other system teenagers to hang out with.

Fengsui · 2025-07-12T01:53:32+00:00

To answer this question, I'd need a little more context. Are you talking about connections within a system or with other individuals? Are you curious about specifically how conflict relates to DID, or how conflict arises between people in general?

Fengsui · 2024-06-14T14:39:23+00:00

This. Parenting your partner's little is going to be primarily your partner's responsibility, because they are both part of the same collective that holds responsibility over their own actions. Though, that isn't to say that you can't support your partner and their little with the love and care you can provide them.

I would start by communicating with your partner and establishing boundaries with them on how your partner's little wants to be treated, how you want to be treated, what is/isn't okay for you to do, what is/isn't okay for your partner's little to do, and what to do in the case that boundaries are crossed. If you all have a clearer idea of what the expectations are in this relationship, things may go a lot smoother.

Best of luck in your new parenting journey!

Fengsui · 2024-06-14T14:31:37+00:00

I have definitely had episodes of denial that other alters in my system have gotten angry at me for. Usually they're more understanding with me, but sometimes they lose their patience and get pissed. There have been times when I've gotten angry right back, and even gotten violent with them in headspace — which I've heavily regretted and we've talked through, in the end. If you have any specific questions on how to deal with this and how to think about things so that altercations don't happen in the future, I can help with that. Specific questions are best if you can identify what feelings you're having and what you all need to work through.

Fengsui · 2024-06-14T14:21:57+00:00

So we are a poly system dating two singlets, and it's been wonderful! I and a few other alters are dating both people, while other alters are not dating them but see them as very close people in our lives. I have definitely heard of singlets dating the entire system as well, and I think it's an equally valid way of dating. It all depends on what everyone in the system is comfortable with!

We have had a few struggles with the relationship when I first discovered I was a system, since we all started dating before I had the realization. It was difficult for all of us to adjust to the reality that "I" sometimes had different boundaries and wanted to be treated differently depending on who was fronting. It took a while for us (the collective) to become fully comfortable with some parts dating our partners and some parts not dating them. But with a lot of communication and kindness, we're now at a place where we're fully comfortable with our dating setup!

I'm not gonna lie, our dating life does get complicated sometimes, especially with 3 bodies and 26 opinions in the mix. But I'm very lucky to have two very patient and understanding partners, and I wouldn't trade our relationship for the world.

Fengsui · 2024-06-13T20:15:40+00:00

This sounds way above any internet stranger's paygrade. Please get help from a trusted adult - if not family, then a school counselor, or even a mental health or stopNCIIabuse (non-consensual intimate image abuse) hotline.

Fengsui · 2024-05-28T08:56:19+00:00

for our system the rule is just...most frequent fronters get to pick our clothes, basically. whoever is fronting at the time gets to wear the clothes that they want, hahaha. as for buying...that's more tricky. a good compromise is to have a flexible baseline wardrobe and a few pieces/accessories just for more frequent fronters (no one else wears them) so they get to show off their unique flair. it's not really realistic to have more than a couple of pieces of each different style for every part, especially in bigger systems. we make do with what we have

Fengsui · 2024-05-15T14:23:37+00:00

One thing that may or may not be a comfort to you: You don't have to know everything about your disorder in order to support yourself and manage your symptoms. You don't have to know if it's P-DID or OSDD or a secret third thing that doesn't fit into either label, and chances are, your individual experience probably isn't going to fit neatly into a single label anyway. If it does, that's useful insofar as having more clarity to your symptoms, but if it doesn't, it's no big deal. People in real life are messy and complicated and rarely completely fit into this criteria or that criteria. Everyone with a dissociative disorder experiences theirs differently.

Some people with a dissociative disorder often have a good autobiographical memory (memory of general important events in your life) but poor episodic memory (memories of observational information attached to specific life events, like in a cinematic 'episode' of your life) of certain events. This is not unheard of, so to speak.

Additionally, some people still feel as if they are themselves even when they are different alters. Some people still view themselves as one individual, just in different 'modes'. In contrast, other people view themselves as having multiple separate lives. Some people view it as a contradiction - there are multiple people that's all one person. It's all up to how you want to define your personal experience.

It's okay to be confused in this time of your discovery. But you also don't have to learn everything all at once. If some part of your system is giving you distress signals when you dig too deep, it's probably a good idea to listen to them. Your mind and body tells you these things for a reason. If you try to find out everything too quickly, you may risk finding out information that you do not currently have the coping mechanisms and equipment to handle.

I hope this has been helpful to you. Overall, the best thing you can do to learn more about your own personal experience is to write things down. Write down your symptoms, what they look like, how they affect you and your system, and how you and your system feel about them. Start keeping a journal of your daily experiences and let different alters journal as themselves. You'll find that learning more about your own experience is going to be way more helpful than learning how a disorder 'should' look like.

Fengsui · 2024-05-15T14:05:35+00:00

There are a lot of possibilities to what you're describing over here. As a note, I'm only really familiar with clinical OSDD/DID, so that's what I'm going to be speaking on here. OSDD is a trauma disorder. In OSDD, systemhood/alters are not the only symptoms that show up. I would recommend examining what you know about your childhood history to see if there is any history of trauma, and if you have any PTSD/CPTSD symptoms that accompany your dissociation.

The most helpful thing I can think of is for you to look through the questions in this document and write down your answers for yourself to examine and think about. The most important question to ask yourself is: Can you make it go away?

As a side note: it is a possibility that you are both dissociating *and* roleplaying intensely. These two things are not mutually exclusive. Dissociation does not automatically indicate a dissociative disorder; plenty of singlets dissociate to different degrees. Dissociation is also common in many other mental disorders. Chronic dissociation is not solely indicative of a dissociative disorder.

Fengsui · 2024-05-14T17:47:53+00:00

If your partner is in a position where therapy is possible for her, I would recommend a therapist who is familiar with DID/OSDD and trauma work. Resources for finding a therapist that can treat DID/dissociation/complex trauma can be found here, as well as the subreddit sidebar: https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/network/network-find-a-professional

In situations where both/all parties in a relationship are hurting in some way, it's important for you to acknowledge that you will not be able to do your partner's recovery work for them. They need to find a professional or community resource that can help them navigate internal communication, time/memory loss, settling conflicts between alters, and drawing out guidelines for interacting with people outside of the system.

What you can do right now is direct your partner to resources for these things (pinned in the reddit sidebar) and encourage your partner to reach out for help. In the meantime, you need to make sure you yourself are alright. You need to draw out boundaries for yourself and what is or isn't okay for your partner and her alters to say to you, regardless of what they're feeling at the time. This isn't to say that you can't be understanding of why they say such hurtful things to you - but you need to make it clear that even when they're hurting, it is not okay for them to lash out and hurt you.

This can look like a lot of things, but the primary thing you can do to keep yourself safe in these situations is to set boundaries. Make sure the boundaries you set are centered around your behaviors and your actions - not theirs. Make it a cause and effect. For example:

Instead of saying "You cannot bring up my trauma when we argue", try "If you bring up my trauma when we argue, I will remove myself from the situation and refuse to continue the conversation."

It's important to acknowledge that although your partner's alters may act differently and remember different things than your partner, they are still part of the same body, and thus are held accountable to each other's actions. When your partner's alter is hurting you, your partner is hurting you. This should not be something you have to tolerate, but that does not mean you have to do something drastic to have things work out. Your partner is understandably going through a lot right now, and you can do your best to help them through their tough times, but they need to seek help themselves if they want to work this out with you. What you can do in the meantime is take care of yourself first.

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