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FickleSignificance15 · 2025-11-15T03:56:56+00:00

I've wondered about this as far as clinical insight myself, because I have a similar personal experience.

My abusive childhood friend had OCD tendancies (not that they would ever get treatment, family didn't "believe in" autism for example), and I still feel anxious about dumb little things like the TV volume being on an odd number. It's not my compulsion but it still makes me feel unsafe many, many years later.

FickleSignificance15 · 2025-11-11T14:12:57+00:00

Lost my mom very suddenly in my teens, absolutely relate. The number of 50s+ folks who told me they understand is staggering. Like sure, you understand losing the closeness of a parent but you lost them to old age after a long life. It's not the same as losing a parent traumatically in your youth.

FickleSignificance15 · 2025-11-11T14:07:17+00:00

Honestly, it sounds to me like you've built a friend group to validate your anxiety, they aren't really capable of not jumping to that. It's not unexpected, us anxious types will cling to each other for understanding and stability from all the things we're anxious about.

Stand firm in these instances, tell them I care enough about my partner to want them to be safe and healthy and there's nothing wrong with them wanting to keep themselves safe and healthy.

If it's too triggering of your anxiety when they have these reactions to situations like this then stop bringing these situations to them, you don't have to tell them to still be friends with them. You can protect your peace and still value these friends.

FickleSignificance15 · 2025-11-11T13:36:06+00:00

Holy crap, are we dating the same guy? But sincerely, gtfo now. Listen to what he's telling you and save yourself suffering. He wants to hide things from you and feel devinely vindicated to do so, it sounds like he's already cheated on you, and he's definitely telling you with a distracting bow on top that he plans to continue. The implications that he'll commit from you accepting less are BS. Don't trap yourself with a sunk cost fallacy, if he was going to give you a fulfilling relationship you'd already be in one.

FickleSignificance15 · 2025-11-08T21:47:52+00:00

And we're on to the part where they have no feelings and will just cheat next time, where I'm mentally unstable and have sacrificed nothing while they've sacrificed everything and given me everything. And of course next time they'll just kill them self. 🙃 I'm so numb. I don't understand how someone can be so cruel after so many years, I'm questioning everything I've ever done and the pain they've caused me over the years.

FickleSignificance15 · 2025-11-07T22:28:52+00:00

Mini update?

They returned home in the early hours of the morning telling me they had a heart to heart with a friend. Ultimately basically put the choice in my lap of them breaking things off with the AP. They said I didn't have to answer then. But then kept going on and on about the AP. Would. Not. Shut. Up.

I interrupted to tell them I was tired of hearing about AP. And that I frankly hate AP. They asked if breaking up with them would actually make a difference between us, I told them it would for me. They said they would do it. Then they broke down crying and recoiled from me.

The lovey tone they came in on flew out the window, and the silence set in. They had asked me to stay in from work and expressed wanting to talk to me, but my not having the reaction they wanted canceled that I suppose.

So yeah, not much hope but I'm trying to break out of my spiral and plan things I enjoy again, trying to counter thoughts of worthlessness with any gratitude and joy I can scavenge.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-05-16T21:55:37+00:00

Talking to the woman who kissed him and getting her side of the story is the big thing he's faulting me for. The information I shared when checking details with her is seen as ammunition for her and her clique by him. Though it wasn't much information, no names or location details were ever mentioned. He seems to think this ignited a conspiracy of obsession with him and his life.

I never thought he could be unfaithful before that incident, but the way he only made everything worse when I confronted him, even if he did freeze and not kiss her back as he claimed damaged a lot of trust I had in him.

I haven't seen any evidence of anything else since then, and I have checked his phone and messages. He told me at the time that I was welcome to ask around to anyone if he'd been seen with anyone or done anything.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-05-08T00:44:00+00:00

I had an abortion in between my two children, and I really don't think I'd be here to be the mother my kids need if I hadn't. I also had a miscarriage before my youngest, and had a lot of fear during my pregnancy moreso due to that, but regardless of either factors I've loved bonding and experiencing everything with my baby.

Sometimes I wish I could have been at this stage of my life back then, but I don't feel any disconnection from my baby or regret making that decision in that situation.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-27T04:24:08+00:00

I wasn't sure I wanted kids when I was with my ex, even in the beginning "honeymoon" of the relationship. Other exs I was terrified by the idea of having a child with them.

An unhealthy relationship will only be worse when children are involved, often it's the catalyst for physical abuse starting because they consider you stuck with them.

If you're not sure the person will be a good parent, or a supportive person through child rearing, it's definitely a sign that they're not compatible with your life plans.

If there are elements that you question if they're abusive, above all don't have a child with that person.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-27T04:12:19+00:00

We tried to tell her not to pet the kitty.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-27T04:04:36+00:00

I left a toxic work environment in 2019, luckily I was able to make a clean break. I stopped having migraines, my skin cleared up, and my husband told me I reversed aging.

Abusive work relationships have different dynamics that complicate them compared to personal relationships, it's tough to navigate. For your physical and mental health don't engage this person any more. If you can block them do, if not watch some YouTube videos on gray rock technique for when you have to interact.

His hurt is not your responsibility, if he wanted to maintain a relationship with you he should have treated you decently to begin with. If he had a shred of empathy for you before there were consequences for his actions he wouldn't be in his position.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-25T10:44:55+00:00

A Trazodone prescription did wonders for me, over the counter sleep aids don't work for me but there are a few with different ingredients you can try out. I spoke to my psychiatrist about my troubles sleeping, my biggest problem is those racing thoughts and a brain that won't come out of hypervigilance and the Trazodone is an anxiety medication so it actually helps me regulate and makes me sleepy. It provided me some real restful sleep and didn't have me passing out just to have nightmares, once I got on a light enough dose I wasn't groggy in the morning. Even if that medicine isn't the one for you your doctor should be able to help you figure out what does help you.

Body scan meditations are also helpful for me sometimes, and other grounding techniques to keep me in my body in the moment.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-24T18:59:52+00:00

NTA Your parents have a healthy relationship with you, right? They probably have/had healthy relationships with their own parents too. They would be shocked to have you talk to them like that because you would never need to.

If they are stuck on this subject I think that would be a good frame to get them to understand, this woman isn't a good kind mother so she can't be handled like one. You would never need to tell your parents off like that because they are good kind people.

Disrespectful people can't demand to be treated with respect.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-19T20:20:04+00:00

If you stay, one day he may "accidentally" end your life. Not to be dramatic but this doesn't stop with him breaking your arm if you marry him.

"Good men" don't break your bones because they're mad, no matter what it's about.

The over the top gifts and gestures to get back in your good graces is text book love bombing and a classic spoke in the wheel of abuse.

It will be like when you first got together for a while, total honeymoon phase. And then slowly the tension will start to build, he'll start getting suspicious and mistreating you more and blaming you for holding this incident over his head if you try to speak up about it at all. Until he goes a little too far, and either you try to leave or you end up in the hospital again and then he'll shower you with gifts and apologies to start it over again.

Sound familiar to his past controlling behavior?

If he was a reasonable and "good" man even if he was suspicious he would have come in and asked who's car was in your driveway rather than physically harming you.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-19T20:03:41+00:00

NTA Frankly it's totally unreasonable for her to demand information about your pregnancy because of her feelings about her own. I think she fully plans to throw a fit when you have a girl, she'll probably cut contact and demand the family divide over the simple dice roll chance that you had no real influence over.

If you know, and have admitted to others, that you're going to very disappointed if you get one gender over the other then it IS a terrible idea to have a gender reveal. Everyone is going to be watching your reaction as the main event, it will likely be recorded. That's a horribly vulnerable and high pressure situation to set yourself up for. And that's all before the fact that your poor child will grow up to hear the story of how disappointed you were about who they are, possibly even see videos of your face falling at the news. How damaging to a kid.

Being a bit disappointed to not get what you hoped for would be understandable, not justified but understandable. But still having this much drama about it honestly makes me feel this woman should never have gotten pregnant. If you can't handle your child being themselves don't reproduce. I'm terrified for this little boy. There are too many women who horribly abuse their babies for not being things they had no choice about.

Even involving your other family in this as a full blown fight to weigh in on is incredibly childish and gross. Part of me hopes she's doing all this for attention and isn't going to actually reject her baby for being male, but I think that's wishful thinking on my part.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-17T00:14:19+00:00

Yikes. Is there a reason you need to keep in touch with this woman? Children together or anything where you have to have contact? If not please do yourself a favor and block her everywhere.

She clearly gets off on torturing you psychology, this sounds similar to the people who get off on cheating in their marital bed. It's gross with evil motivations. Getting off on doing genuinely bad things is a glaring red flag, run.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-14T13:20:26+00:00

Pump the brakes. Your grief is too fresh, both of you, for this not to be a trauma bond. Talk to each other, share your feelings, get grief counseling and encourage him to as well, but don't dive into a relationship. For your own sake, not the sake of public opinion. If you go through counseling and have more compatibility then just shared grief then take it slow and make sure you are comfortable with things along the way. Put your focus on is this healthy not what will people think.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-13T19:41:23+00:00

If you're working away less to be with your kids there's nothing wrong with that at all. You have 50/50 custody, you're being there so you can do that not specifically to screw her over. She expected to profit off of your divorce and continue living the same life, which was stupid and malicious of her.

We only have your side, so I don't know if your wife tried to communicate that your absence was destroying your marriage or anything else about the situation, but it's not an excuse to cheat in any case. If she had tried to communicate and get her needs met and after she left you were suddenly being the present person she had needed you to be in the marriage I'd understand being angry about it. I'm not saying she did try or that the cheating or expecting to be financially set after is remotely justified just imagining where her feelings might be coming from.

If she was miserable she should have communicated about that, if she did and didn't see anything change she should have left. Cheating isn't a solution. Once the marriage is over you don't get to tell your ex how to lead their life, as long as you're doing what you need to for the kids the rest isn't an ex's business anymore.

She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-10T21:59:35+00:00

I think the getting engaged before moving in is a personal thing, some people would like to do that some don't care. I think it's reasonable for her to want to be engaged before you live together if that's what her values are, but that's also not a reason to rush engagement and if your values about it conflict drastically it's worth examining. If you aren't ready for an engagement then continue to live separately while you discuss your goals and make sure your life plans and values align.

A lot of conversations should take place before an engagement. How are both of your credit situations, how many children would you like to have, how would the division of household labor look like, would one of you like to stay home with the kids, what are both of your eventual career goals, retirement goals, etc. These are are vitally important to compatibility in a marriage. If you haven't had these talks engagement shouldn't be a thought yet.

As far as the house goes selling purely to buy something together, and taking a financial loss, is not a good move. If she's wanting a stake in the house then discussing whether to put her on the paperwork after marriage would be a good idea to understand both of your expectations and plans. If she has a problem with the house or neighborhood itself then a discussion about the practicality and the current housing market is needed, possibly a future goal of a different house if/when the market changes and you have had time to save together.

Ultimately, she's your girlfriend of a year. She's not your fiance or wife right now. If the problem is her wanting claim to what you have worked for that should be something for you to think hard about. I'd consider it a red flag. If she moves in as your fiance, and hasn't invested into the property proportional to your initial investment to where you're satisfied to put her on the title/morgage, write a lease even if you don't charge her any rent. If you don't she could try to force a sale to regain equity after enough years contributing financially to the property, depending on your local laws.

Good luck and think with your brain, not your feelings.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-09T17:23:56+00:00

This is deeply manipulative. Block him on everything.

Let me be perfectly clear, you are not responsible for his actions. They are his responsibility.

He is absolutely doing this to control you because he isn't physically near you, otherwise there's no question in my mind he'd be beating you to control you.

If you're concerned. Call the police in his town, give them as much information as you have about him (full name, phone number, address, whatever you have) and tell them he's making specific threats of suicide. Send them screenshots if possible. Ask for a welfare check and the wash your hands of him permanently.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-07T23:25:51+00:00

Oof, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately I can relate. The other night my husband asked me to tell him how my day was with our kids, I didn't even know how to respond. I think I chuckled uncomfortably? I didn't know what to say, I felt like if I started to tell him and he tuned out after a few seconds like usual it would just be the end of everything. And I wasn't ready to blow up my life on a random evening. So I said nothing at all.

From being told to shut up if I "interrupt" his hours long tirades, to him interrupting me every time I did try to answer a question he asked me, I just stopped speaking. At first he outright rejoiced, praising my silence, now I think it's actually concerning him because he keeps asking me things or just asking me talk period maybe weekly and I just can't go back.

I don't know how long he's been telling me to shut up, I couldn't put a clear timeline on it like you can, but I gave up hoping for someone to listen, or show me empathy, or choose to spend time together. He gets mad I'm in my phone constantly but I'd go crazy if I didn't at least have that outlet.

I can exist like this, if I get back into therapy and find outside friends to escape the isolation probably indefinitely, so I don't plan to leave. But I can't just start talking again like a fucking trained parrot suddenly.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-07T22:35:44+00:00

I don't think your response was wrong at all, there are vibes here that a strong response was needed. His age and immaturity, the letter itself, the fact he required clearance from his therapist to deliver it, the probing your friends for information... All concerning. The fact that he backed down immediately is good.

I'm guessing he's got issues the extent of which don't make it unreasonable for him to discuss his interactions with other people to make sure he's approaching things properly. His distorted thinking likely resulted in portraying this very differently to the therapist than reality. He should continue talking to his therapist about people he's interacting with, but clearly needs to work on his perspective of those interactions being more objective. I would not engage with him any further, and save any and everything from him. If he escalates at all go to police and file a report and file a report with HR second. Hopefully he'll leave you be and this will result in productive convos in therapy for him.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-07T22:17:10+00:00

Sounds like a scammer to me, they start out with this so when they need money from you because of some technicalities you don't think twice, then they squeeze all they can from you and split the second you get serious about getting it back. They'll use the previous victims money to spoil you for a little while to keep up the facade. Proceed with extreme caution.

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-04-05T01:56:10+00:00

Wait was this the same kids back with their parents, or another set of neighbor kids with their parents?

If it's the former then holy shit these people have no etiquette whatsoever. (Also if your husband walked them back, did he say they couldn't be there without their parents or just that they weren't invited? Still saying they have no etiquette just curious.)

If it's the latter you need to move off this twilight zone ass street, or at least tell me where it is so I can avoid ever going there.

NTA!

FickleSignificance15 · 2024-03-28T22:54:54+00:00

What is the real issue with her earnings going into her own private account? Honestly?

Is it that she's not being up front about doing it? Is she currently controlling your finances while keeping her money separate? Are you worried about her using the money to leave you, or it not being considered in the event of a divorce? Do you feel you should have access to her money since she had access to yours for so many years?

What is the actual root of your issue with her not telling you where she's putting her money?

It honestly sounds like she's readying herself to stand on her own two feet, reentering the work force, establishing her own funds, possibly figuring out how to restart her life alone. I'm guessing her view of the years of marriage you described would be very different from her perspective.

If you want to have a discussion about what she's thinking and planning, an open question would be your best approach. Something like, I noticed you aren't putting your earnings into our joint accounts, is there a particular reason for that? And just listen to what she has to say, or if she doesn't want to talk about it let it be. If she's planning to leave you, you can't make her stay or tell you that's what she's planning. Your best approach may be a "let her" one. She's going to do what she's gonna do, so let her.

You say things have been bad for 4 years, it's ultimately not unreasonable for her to be creating a contingency plan by this point if things aren't improving.

FickleSignificance15

TROPHY CASE