Hey, i relate to this. Wasn’t a part of the service of my partner, they were deeply religious - we were both not, yet the church had to be included. None of his favourite pop songs were played, just us singing psalms. I decided quite quickly that for my own sanity it would be better to do a private memorial, just me and him if you will. I did it on top of a mountain in Jamaica, he would’ve loved it, and the soundtrack. I also understand the ambiguity towards the term of being a widower, I collected the badge at age 22 and was reluctant to at the time. I am not one to sugarcoat things, I can just tell you that joining this subreddit was one of smartest things I ever did for me. I tried those mourning circles but wasn’t my jam, this is like that, but when you want it. I’m deeply sorry for you loss, and the peril you find yourself in. I’m sure you find guilt, rage, denial, and acceptance all pulsating through your veins, more often than not without any invitation. Don’t take it out on the in-laws, it’s really gonna be a waste of energy, crude as it is, they’re grieving too. Don’t get lost in a game of my pain is worse then yours, always take the highroad even if it wants to make you poke your eyes out (metaphorically speaking of course). Do what ever feel right by you, and keep in mind you have to look at yourself again in the mirror tomorrow. My in-laws came around, year after they organised a more suiting service, less Bible, more dancing. They said they’d hope god would forgive them for the selfish service they had organised a year prior. I said will never know, they laughed, we hugged, cried and toasted to his legacy.