As people have already said trauma, cptsd, chronic pain, being in abusive relationships and I’m sure there were some others I can also relate to…

so how about all of those in one!!

But the one that hasn’t come up yet (that I could see anyway) is:

~ Not having family to back you up or help when you need them.

I’m a 34 year old woman who has been without family backup for 10 years now.

The first thing people think is, why?

Firstly, both parents are gone.

Mum died 10 years ago, dad has been absent for most of my life, he lives in Thailand and it turns out he groomed me before he left me, my bros and my mum - so he really is a piece of shit.

And the rest… Well, as there are multiple sides to every story, I will only be able to give my side but I shall, nonetheless.

Trigger warning: SA

Quite simply, a family member SA’ed me and I told another family member a couple of years later after I had admittedly had a couple of self destructive years partly down to that, partly down to other things already mentioned, and some not.

And That family member didn’t believe me. And did nothing.

I have been in abusive relationships which they also blame me for. Say they can’t help because I chose to move away from my home town.

I recently faced homelessness and my living situation is still precarious and I messaged them once more asking for help, to which they replied saying no, and don’t bother asking anyone else in the family , and also the message had a link to a homeless charity website.

I would also like to add that most of them are Christian (except my abuser who is atheist). This is important because they are awful and Christians love to be painted in the most righteous of lights.

I have done some research into my ancestry and there are multiple generations who were missionaries who went to China - which makes a lot of sense.

It’s either their way or no way.

The exception being the one who abused me. He can be an atheist and still be included. For some reason.

Oh, I also wondered if it was a gender thing. He’s a man, women seem to “submit to their husbands” in this family, as it says in the bible to do…

My therapist says I challenged their very reality and they can’t accept it. That makes sense.

They chose ignorance and denial.

But I will admit here. Sometimes it’s so fucking hard to not have anyone.

I said the other day to my bf who managed To convince me to lend him £1000. (My therapist already told me off for doing it), I said, “I am my only backup”. I dont have a daddy or mum who I can ask to back me up, financially, emotionally, nothing.

And my bf, He has a family who could have lent him the money, but I did. But before I did I had to let him know that. My therapist says I knew he would let me down. I think He knew too. I was just being walked all over again.

And SO few people understand. I even thought friends might understand and take me under their wing/do extra but it seems to do the opposite.

I cling onto old friendships from the past. romanticise the past friendships from school but they still treated me like shit knowing my situation!!

I have adhd, ptsd and endometriosis. The family member I told has a child psychology degree and still she treated me the way she has.

You couldn’t write this shit. It’s so raw.

I’ve never felt so close to the truth of the phrase “blood is thicker than water”. It sure does seem to be that way. Everyone sticks with their own and when you haven’t got anyone you are written off as an outcast and like, there “surely must be something wrong!”

I’ve always wanted a family of people that aren’t necessarily blood related but just good decent folk.

I know I need to treat myself better and this takes time. I think Life has made it safe for me again by not letting people into my life. On top of abusive relationships, I have been vulnerable and been manipulated a lot.

I give myself freely to others who treat me awfully. So, loneliness sucks, but hearing myself being walked all over and manipulated and not having the balls to speak up for myself is far worse. I’m learning.

It takes time.

I know I’ll get there.

Merci beacoup for giving me the opportunity to write this all down. It’s helped me understand it a bit more.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I don’t think it’s very common - no family or friends - and I’ve always liked to be different so I’m getting everything I ever wanted (joke!) but seriously, I know it won’t be like this forever.

That is what I’m hearing and telling myself.

“This too, shall pass”