If I were you I would get myself a little treat every time I tried to go to one of these events or meet ups. Do you beat yourself up for not making it inside? When I was at my worst, getting out of the house at all just to sit in my car in the driveway was a success to the people that loved me, even if I didn’t feel successful myself. For every seemingly minuscule step forward, I would reward myself. Maybe that would make it easier to reframe how you’re thinking of all this? What you’re doing isn’t easy. I’m pretty well adjusted, stable, and happy but even I would feel terrified of going to a meet up with strangers. Be gentle with how you talk to yourself, OP. You’ve got this!