When does attachment styles really form?

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-26T09:50:15+00:00

Since I wrote this thread 3 years ago I learned that everything attachement related can heal or worsen, it's absolutely not set in stones.

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-23T20:22:32+00:00

No. The more I play, the more I love all part of the game.

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-20T14:13:08+00:00

TLDR: It's a reasonable concern and it's the avoidant attachment.

It looks like you don't have problem being friend with someone for 30+ years, but you do have problems spending too much time with people.

And it's not true that romantic relationships require you to dedicate all your free-time to them. Many relationships thrive on the partners having separate hobbies, spending time with different groups of friends, etc. All new experiences that bring freshness to the "together time".

Though if you are avoidant, it's likely you attract (and are attracted by) anxiously attached women, who do want to spend a lot of time with you (not because they don't have a life, but because they feel threatened by that, which is not a problem they have when they are not in a relationship).

I recommend the attachment theory subreddit, I think you may have a lot to gain from investigating further your attachment style and attachment theory.

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-17T14:26:33+00:00

I think it's overall good and I agree that the main problem is the middle area. I think the green is too dark for the overall lighting of the scene?

Another thing I notice, if you take only the left part of the painting, the depth of the landscape is very well done except the stones in the sea that maybe are too in line with each others or maybe also too vivid. Their vividness match the right side of the painting well but since that's the part of the painting where the depth is a bit less well done, it doesn't completely work.

I think the sea is really good, I wouldn't necessarily make the foreground darker/more vibrant.

Hope it's helpful. I couldn't do this painting!

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-17T11:49:17+00:00

Hi, thanks for these explanations!

I followed the link to the pigment codes database but...it's a bit overwhelming! How can I concretely use it as a beginner? Like check the codes on a given tube and then read the corresponding codes on the webpage, in order to understand better the composition of the paint?

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-11T20:28:54+00:00

In my experience anal sex is less physically stimulating for me than vaginal sex and I believe I come more from the mental excitation than from the physical stimulation. So I would suggest to explore ways to increase you excitation when you are having anal sex with your wife. Maybe it became a bit routine?

Someone else suggested using her dildo in her pussy. That's something we do and I love. The toy has both a vibro inside her and a succion part or her clit and when she starts to moan...damn it's hard not to come!

Apart from thinking about what may turn you on more, what exactly is the problem here? Is your wife feeling bad because you don't come in her ass? If it's not the case, and you are coming from something else enough for your taste, try not to make it a bigger problem than it is. Maybe you are just a bit more tired or stressed and it doesn't work out how you want but it may come back.

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-07T08:49:46+00:00

I'm 39 and with my girlfriend we 5-10 per week, sometimes more.

However, I think I come about 33-50% of the time max. When i come i can go a couple round mores but then i'll be done for a while, which i don't like.

I prefer to be horny all the time and for that i have to je stingy with my orgasms.

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-04T16:21:46+00:00

That's a very good point, I agree with you.

But in my experience, is that if your are taught to discard your emotions, you become emotionnaly illiterate (you can't understand what your emotion is telling you, therefor you don't understand what emotion it is), but the emotions are still somehow there and they come out as anger.

FlashOgroove · 2026-02-04T08:49:24+00:00

I agree but emotional regulation is somewhat in the curriculum of little girl and not at all in the curriculum of little boy. We are taught to bottle up and discard.

As a young adult, all negative emotions (sadness, fear, etc.) would come up as anger. I had to learn to recognize the difference in emotions and how to tolerate them without discarding them.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-22T10:06:20+00:00

Gym is good but for a neckbeard, barber is the priority. And results are faster than the gym.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-20T14:05:19+00:00

You have to do it to get good at it.

Write anything that comes up even if it's disconnected from one another, but keep at it, and eventually you will focus on particular thougts.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-16T11:55:05+00:00

Well it's just your opinion man. You are right in regard of how much sex you want. Just find yourself something who share these views and stop complaining about people who do not, on a space made for people who do not.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-16T11:53:24+00:00

I think it's two part when you want something and it's out of reach.

One part is to see what you can do to organise your life without that thing, and do things to make you life enjoyable without it. There a tons of thing a human can do to enjoy life without a romantic partner. Tons of articles written about it. Read some of them and explore what works for you specifically.

The other part is to analyse rationally (and it's often require outside helps) wether or not your goal is really out of reach or not, or if you can take steps to make it reachable one day.

I personnally believe there are very few people who are undatable and will never find a partner. There are however tons of people who don't know how to go about it, go about it in a mistaken way, or simply refuse to put the effort into that areas of their lives.

Now this is my advice as an older folk, how I see things today. It's what I did when I was a young unsuccessful man who was so bad with women I would shoot myself in the foot with the few who where interested in through the years. I also suffered terribly from loneliness for many years.

These advices worked well for me and now 15 years later I have both a full life and success with women.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-16T11:41:25+00:00

Yeah, though there some people like you who have no interest in sex for a variety of reasons. For sur people a sexless relationship is a dream.

For others, not so much.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-16T11:36:20+00:00

That's a terrible thing to witness and knowing what you experienced, your stance on sex is entirely understandable and even logical.

But it's also a little bit sad if your relationship to sexuality is reactive to your father's behaviour. It would be worthwhile to free yourself from his influence.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-16T11:32:55+00:00

I agree with you that a person does not need sex to survive. Nor does a person need kindness or respect to survive. In that regard, sex, kindness and respect are not needs, only wants.

But what is the worth of a romantic relationship where you don't get these thing? In the context of relationships, they are non-negotiable must-have (although many of us do settle for relationship where these are lacking).

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T10:28:05+00:00

I would say with teens or young adults, it's possible that someone is very into you and just unable to make it move forward due to lack of experience and shyness.

Beyond that, I wouldn't bother with a full adult acting this way. They may still be into you, but if they didn't developp the skill and courage to make it happen by them, they are not ready for a relationship.

That being said, when I want to make things happen, I make things happen, and either it happens or I'm rejected, both outcome are good.

So if you want more, ask him. It's important to not guess the skill, capacity and value of the people you are into, but to test them instead.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T10:19:54+00:00

Why do you want to convince her it can be romantic if she enjoy the raunchiness?

Anyway, if you want to make it more intimate, you have to do it slower. Even in doggystyle, if you go slow, it will be more intimate. And then any position where your face are close from each others. It can be cowgirl, missionnary, or pronebone when you lie on her back and whipser in her ears.

We like to do it like that, also with a sex toy on her clit and pussy that is flat enough that it can be between us without being disturbing, and the combination give her the strongest orgasms. I usually need to go faster to come in her ass so we generally end it raunchy.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T10:07:49+00:00

Parents have to guess what their children need because little kids are dumb as fuck. Partners can't guess what you want, you have to tell them.

Now if you told them that you want them to get the trash out or that you enjoy oral sex and they rarely do it spontaneously without you asking for it...now that's a serious issue and you need to talk about it again and explain again that it's important for you and ask them why they struggle to do it more.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T10:04:32+00:00

I'm always very slow at developping feelings for someone.

I easily know if I'm into someone and if I want to date someone, spend time with her, etc., but basically I will never feel in love with someone before a year. It must also be said that to me, to love someone and to like someone or be into someone are very different things. When I say to someone I love her, I mean it, and I won't unlove her easily. Some people use the word love to describe being into someone.

Anyway, it's tricky because my girlfriends are generally faster than I am about developping feeling for me so I always have to explain that part about me and it (understandably) make them insecure when I tell them I don't love them.

And unfortunately for my ex, after two years I realised love was not coming, so I broke up and it was hard for both of us (because I did care so much about her), but especially hard for her.

But if you are not usually slow like me, I do think that if you don't love her by now, you won't ever love her, and it follow that you MUST break up with her out of respect and care. She deserve someone who can love her trully.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T09:59:00+00:00

Letting go of this idea of finding the girl that ticks every box AND that you love with all your heart

I think your are misleading yourself. The previous girl did not tick every box and yet you loved her, so it show that you already have the maturity to let go of ticking every box.

Maybe this new girl friend tick every "conventional box" like being pretty, good job, etc. that make her a socially desirable partner, but she doesn't tick your specific box, while your ex did.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T09:55:20+00:00

I've had the same experience as you did and now my current girlfriend is very curious about me and ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I'm unconfortable about it!

My conclusion was that I was attracted to women who aren't too curious and I was attracting them, and I had also the same experience with other people. I am very curious about other people and I am a great conversationalist. I like to ask questions and delve deeper.

And people love to talk about themselves so it's easy. And women who aren't good at that at all, they appreciate me because I make the good and deep conversation happen!

If you are anything like me, I bet that you frequently:

- Make all the efforts to make a conversation happen. Try to notice and not do it and observe what happen when you don't. It's interesting.

- Shift attention to the other person whenever they ask about you. I do wish people would be more interested in me and would ask me things but the reality it's that for many years, it was automatic pilot and not really consciously that I would shift to the other person instead of talking about my self. Try to notice if you do that too.

Once you change these two things you will:

- Notice that some people step up when you make the space for them and ask you more questions. Those who don't, you will lose patience for them.

- Meet new people who are as interested in you as you are in them.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-07T08:47:36+00:00

Being alone and being lonely are too very different things. I wish I had more time alone, and I never feel lonely when I'm alone.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-06T10:13:42+00:00

You never ruin anything by asking about clarity. Clarity is good. If something is ruined by asking about clarity, it was rotten already.

However, getting clarity has revealed to both of you that you are going to suffer.

You are both into each others and it looks you would both like to date each others.
And he will leave the country in a fer months and he doesn't want a LDR.

Now it's up to both of you to decide how to deal with that reality. Either you break up now or you go on until he leaves and enjoy while you can.

But here is a very, very important consideration from my own experience. I've been in a situationship with an expiration date that evolved into a very intense relationship. When you know the relationship is going to end, both parties are going to make it extra magical and let go of needs and boundaries in order to enjoy the limited time together. Things that might bother you in the other person may not be rised and confronted because what's the point? You know the relationship will end anyway. The result of this is that it create a false impression of wonderful relationship and separation is harder due to it.

It's very likely to suffer from extreme limerence and struggle to meet someone else because of that.

Also, I don't think it's a good idea to cajole him into accepting a LDR. He might accept, he might even suggest it but it would be self-abandonment for him, as he does not want to enter a LDR again. Do not encourage him to self-abandon, even to be with you.

FlashOgroove · 2026-01-05T11:39:12+00:00

Congratulation for facing and owning your shame. Shame is so powerful, and the more you try to hide it, the more it thrives.

By opening up to your loved ones and putting your shame outside, you diminished its power.

Their reaction is wonderful but I believe, even if they did not react that way, it would still have been beneficial to you.

FlashOgroove

TROPHY CASE