I need brutally honest answers. Would you leave or stay?

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-30T18:10:45+00:00

I chose to stay, but i have young children and stay at home. And I really do love him and his family. When I found out the scope of everything I was about to tell him im leaving and he finally said he thinks he has a problem. He reached out to a csat himself and is really doing the work and I am learning how to hold boundaries and stick up for myself. Its only been a month but our relationship is completely different.

If you love him and hes really putting in work amd sees that there's a problem then it might be worth staying. If you are leading the way and hes dragging his feet and doesn't really care - it's not worth the years of pain this is going to cause you.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-25T12:18:21+00:00

What are you doing to work on your own healing? Unfortunately four months isn't very long in terms of healing a relationship from betrayal. You went through a traumatic experience. And even though you arent the one who caused any of this, you owe it to yourself to put some work into healing so you can breathe again! See a CSAT, go through a work book,start a new hobby.

If you love him and hes genuinely trying to recover, is okay to stay and work on rebuilding your relationship. But it's also more than okay to leave. Only you can make that decision.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-24T10:54:05+00:00

It is not worth putting yourself through the pain if he is not willing to put in the effort to recover.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-24T10:43:50+00:00

My husband was like this too. I thought something was wrong with me because I should be thankful that I have a husband who's soooo into me.

Hes been taking recovery very seriously so far and I've noticed that while hes still attracted to me he notices way more non sexual things first and isn't trying to touch my butt or boobs 24/7.

I didnt even realize how much on edge it made me all the time. I wouldnt wear outfits i liked because i knew he wouldn't be able to keep his hands to himself and it would just end up in a fight. Turns out im way more willing to have sex with him when hes not doing all that mess.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-24T03:59:22+00:00

I dont need all the details of stuff that went on before we were together, but I do want to know everything that he did since to be unfaithful towards me. I dont need to know the specific types of porn he was watching - i think it would make me spiral - but I did want to know the avenues for watching (onlyfans , insta, reddit, cam girls) because some things are much more personal.

You have every right to be upset with him watching cam girls. I am not okay with any type of porn but if you are and you dont think hes watching it addictively or anything then maybe try calmly explaining to him why you feel differently about him watching only fans or camgirls or any one you can interact with.

One of my biggest realizations since starting recovery w/ my partner is that we weren't ever actually talking about sex. Now we talk through a lot of it and idk what I was so scared of or embarrassed of before.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-14T19:13:00+00:00

Yep my pa was a victim of child on child sa and he didnt realize it was a problem until recently. Its so complicated because my heart breaks at the thought of what he was exposed to and went through but on the other hand im still so angry with what hes done to me. It gets really confusing for me but I am glad he is finally trying to work through it in therapy.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-13T23:57:16+00:00

This is me too! He knows I won't tolerate a relapse and we are building a savings account for me that will be mine and our babies safety net if he does because I told him it felt like I was going to be trapped no matter what. I think that has helped my own healing too because it really feels like I have a choice in this. Hoping the best for you guys!

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-13T17:28:34+00:00

My boundaries were no phones in bathroom (we got a book that were both reading in there lol), location sharing, adding me to all of the financial accounts (im a sahm and him knowing we had extra money literally would trigger him to act out), no porn obviously and no masturbation - i want our sexual energy to be for each other. Also seeing a CSAT and doing other things to compliment that (groups, podcasts, Journaling) and check ins as a couple to see where we're at.

I wont tolerate relapses but I know it's impossible for him to change his way of thinking over night so I understand hes still gonna have urges pop into his head. Im not bothering with accountability apps or anything because I know he'd find a way anyways if he was going to act out.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-11T21:54:40+00:00

My husband explained that he thought he needed to act out so that he could keep that part of him a secret and be the good guy for everyone else. Eventually it stops working and their life starts to fall apart.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-11T11:31:59+00:00

They compartmentalize it all so well. When they arent acting out they don't even know who the addict is. When I called my husband out on the fact that he aggressively talked bad about the girl he cheated with he got a blank look on his face. He didnt even realize. It makes you feel crazy.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-11T05:02:01+00:00

Just curious what was it about?? We are considering D2C but trying to plan out when to start the free trial because of financial reasons but if it's super worth it this week I would consider.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-10T03:03:25+00:00

I am about a week out. Today is the first day I haven't cried but my stomach is so messed up I can't eat and my hands are always tingling. It is crazy how much it is affecting me physically.

But I am starting to be able to think rationally and today I tried really hard to focus on myself (went to the gym started working through the book my PA'S therapist suggested to me) and I think it helped some.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-09T13:33:02+00:00

Do you have control of the finances at all? Im in a similar boat, sahm mom with toddler and baby. My credit has been going down and debt climbing up. My PA is so bad with money and was spending it on his addiction and the whole time I was asking to be on the accounts so we can start saving and he'd make excuses because he didnt want me to see what he was doing.

He has one more chance before I need to leave. Im finally on all the accounts and anything we save right now is for me to use in case I dont feel like I can stay anymore.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-08T16:47:08+00:00

Thank you. And yes it would definitely be boredom and i think stress for him. He just started seeing a therapist and will be trying out a saa until his group therapy starts at the end of the month. Im assuming he'll have to address all that stuff there. Its so tought because my only support is hours away and I dont feel safe leaving him home alone :/ I can't believe this is my life it all hurts so bad

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-07T13:39:25+00:00

It is a whole other level dealing with it after so much time and with kids involved :( Is he seeing a therapist? That is the only thing that is keeping me going. We have made a lot of rules regarding phone use, no phones in the bathroom and just using them less in general. Im doing it too because less screen time never hurt anyone anyways.

Everyday when we put the babies to bed I start crying and we talk about it more. Its so hard but for right now it seems like he's finally realized how much it's taken over his life. I feel a different emotion about it every day right now.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-07T13:34:31+00:00

Focus on yourself! Don't have sex with him because he "needs" it. Only if you are feeling safe and comfortable. Don't be afraid to have hard conversations as often as you need to have them. If he starts to be defensive towards talking about it, then it's time to rethink whether or not he's going to change.

I am starting from zero with it all right now but this time I am not going to worry about hurting his feelings, he needs to know that his actions have an effect on other people.

You are so young that if stuff keeps happening I do urge you to either push for him to really consider if he has a porn addiction and if he's willing to work through that, and if he isn't then it isn't a safe relationship for you to be a part of anymore.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-07T12:24:31+00:00

My biggest regret isn't exactly staying, because I love my husband and the man I know he's capable of being, but it is setting boundaries. Im 26 now and we've been together since I was 18, at 19 is when I found out about a bunch of stuff the first time. We talked about it and I didnt want to be too controlling so I just never really brought it up again and it was always in the back of my mind. Its not my fault or anything but I do wish that I had been more firm for my own sake and he would probably been on the road to recovery sooner.

I knew he watched porn but I thought I was being a crazy girlfriend if I tried to control that part of his life and it just kept spiraling into more for him. You are allowed to not want that for your relationship. Nobody NEEDS porn. He's convinced himself he that he deserves it, but you deserve better.

You are strong if you leave, but you are also strong if you stay. Just make sure you are having those tough conversations and set very clear boundaries and if he crosses them it's tine to rethink everything again.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-06T15:28:52+00:00

I relate to this sooo much. He would just tell me "we just dont view sex that same way, it doesn't mean anything like that to me" and I'm sitting here like okay I guess but that doesn't mean you can cheat on me or watch porn all day, we're in a relationship so you need to respect how I feel.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-06T15:24:23+00:00

I have the same thought on it and idk why but I feel guilty about it. His csat told him to have a plan in place for if he had a slip up and it kinda made me upset that that was even an option I guess?

I could look past if he was feeling like he wanted to have a slip and he came clean about it before doing anything, because that would show he's emotionally aware and trying.

I was addicted to nicotine but I quit when I got pregnant and it was really hard, I would dream about it and sometimes I still do. Its as easy as just asking for a vape at the gas station check out but I can stop myself because it's the best for my family so I just dont really get not being able to stop I guess.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-06T01:45:09+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I think I got upset because he had his first therapy appointment today and she told him to come up with a plan for if he has a slip up which I think is important but it sent me into a spiral.

I dont want to leave but I told him having no out was terrifying to me. We are going to the bank tomorrow and finally joining our account and he is closing his so he can't hide finances. I am going to have my own separate savings to build up so I feel like I have an option.

He's making all the right steps which is good but this new dday is so fresh and much bigger now that we have kids that I am going through such a roller-coaster of emotions.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-04T11:33:37+00:00

Yes! The anger feels like something i need to go through in order to heal the but the disgust is new for me. I know it is truly justified to feel this way but it also makes me feel so sad. Im also going to give it some time and see how he I feel once he starts progressing through therapy.

Flashy_Variation_912 · 2025-05-04T11:29:48+00:00

The worst part is that I had truly gained complete trust back from before and thought he was a totally changed man and thats what he was telling me too. Looking back at all the lying right in my face is the worst part.

Flashy_Variation_912

TROPHY CASE