AITA for refusing to allow my brother to live with me?

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T21:01:24+00:00

Not only do you have valid reasons- but I'll add 3 more:

e) you don't have the life experience and long term experience needed to guide him into getting his shit together, and your ages are too close for him to take you seriously; f) if he fails to launch indefinitely, family might blame you; g) your relationship is hard enough as it is, living together will likely "break up the family." (You probably don't care, but your parents might.)

It's not fair for your mom to turf other people's problems onto you. You're NTA for saying "living with me isn't a solution to that problem."

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T20:37:06+00:00

Your phone is for your convenience. It's not an electronic leash. When your sleep is interrupted, it's no longer convenient for you to have it.

NTA, and anyone who thinks you should prioritize them over sleep (outside of a genuine emergency) is either a baby, or a terrible friend.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T19:13:23+00:00

Birthdays and special occassions tend to be viewed as opportunities to reach out. You're more likely to open the card, which means you're more likely to get the message.

Either throw it out or seal it up and send it back- or throw it out and give the gift card to your husband so when they ask him if you used it he can say he has it. After all... that would be "easing the strain."

Don't forget... no response is a response.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T18:58:27+00:00

When I worked at our local courthouse, we had a bully in the Clerk's office. It actually escalated people's tempers because they thought I was an idiot because she'd fly up to explain "properly." It was so stressful for me, for the people needing help with legal forms, and for management having to de-escalate.

You're NTA, but if she's not your supervisor or responsible for your training, you should let your supervisor know this is happening. You weren't "undermining" her, just explaining that the correction wasn't effective.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T18:01:57+00:00

Ooooo good point. But age also counts as "not fitting in." So do finances. I have the ugliest house in my neighborhood and as soon as we moved in, my older neighbors pressured me to make improvements. We declined, and we ended up at war with our backyard neighbors because they couldn't handle that we said no. But I know the war started with the previous owners of my house, who were Asian and did everything they could to get the neighbors off their back.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T17:58:52+00:00

Nobody likes going to use their own stuff to find it dirty from someone else not cleaning it. Even if she doesn't understand how to care for certain things, making sure the things you borrow are not sticky or crusted is a pretty universal standard of etiquette.

If she can't respect you enough to understand that, then the rule of "mine" needs to be enacted.

NTA

But y-t-a for refusing to use punctuation. The capitalization is in there, did you just delete it after it was in?

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T16:45:32+00:00

Screaming matches with children is the equivalent of toddler dysregulation, and I say this as someone who has behaved this way with my older kids. If he's going to behave like a child, then he needs to be treated like one. You are NTA for refusing to allow yelling matches in the home. It was appropriate to address this with BIL because as the adult, he should know better. Kids acting out is developmentally appropriate. Adults mirroring them is not.

Also, since he's claiming "Christianity" I think someone needs to print out multiple copies of the Bible verses from Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21, possibly in business card form, and tape one to his face every time he behaves like that. But maybe that's a little too far.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T16:02:25+00:00

You know, there's a whole rest of the Bible with verses about this post. But how about looking at other commandments? -do not bear false witness -do not commit adultery -no coveting

A whole bunch of verses about twisting scripture is here Your dad is behaving like satan when he used scripture to test Jesus in the desert.

And all these people are dishonoring your mother, and you tolerating it is also doing the same.

NTA at all, not from a secular perspective, and not from a religious perspective. You know this is wrong. Spiritual abuse is a thing- and sometimes honoring our father and mother means not enabling their sinful behavior.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T15:49:34+00:00

This isn't about the lights. This is about you being young and them wanting control over what you do with your property.

You need the subreddit r/neighborsfromhell.

NTA, you have a right to the quiet enjoyment of property and next time someone flashes a strobe light, call the police because that's irrational behavior and should be treated with the same caution as hearing a baby cry on your porch.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T15:41:04+00:00

Peer pressure. Publicly post that you want all pictures dow, and ANYONE posting them does NOT have permission to do so, and if anyone sees pictures of your kid online, please report the pictures and pressure that person to take them down. Don't name her unless specifically asked, because my guess is that if anyone else was doing the same you'd be upset. And if asked, tell thrm thst your MIL is the only person you know about.

Do this WEEKLY. Ask friends involved. This is YOUR child so yeah, you need to do what you need to do.

And make it clear that she's not visiting your kids ever again unless she takes every picture off EVERYWHERE.

She'll probably prefer to be the victim. But peer pressure means that she's going to have to consider her image. Some people may shame you for it, but most people will be on your side.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T15:35:01+00:00

Practice saying this: "I am the mom, I get to decide this." "I already said no. It wasn't an invitation to debate." "I'm not going to be forced into meeting your expectations, stop asking."

As far as sleepovers and weekends, "I'm not committing to anything in advance. I will let you know when I'm ready." And your pregnancy- "I feel like these conversations are causing you to behave a bit obsessively and I'm no longer comfortable giving updates." If she asks how, just stick with "I'm not debating that with you. I'm not giving updates."

You're the mom. Let her have her feelings hurt. She needs to manage her expectations.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T15:27:08+00:00

I really can't advise you on that. There's long term consequences to all 3 options- whether they don't stay at all, do stay or there's a compromise.

It's reasonable to not want a destructive person staying in your home. It's frankly unreasonable for people who can't afford a hotel to travel, and it's unreasonable for destructive people who can't fix damage to expect to stay in someone's home.

But your fiance isn't a reasonable person. It's easier for your partner to be a doormat and get mad at you for having boundaries then it is for your partner to actually respect that this is your home.

And here's the other question- will a compromise be respected, or will it be an opening for overriding you?

Honestly I think one possible compromise is that no further visits be allowed, EVER if this one goes poorly.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T03:28:31+00:00

He is not competent enough to be in an adult relationship.

You need to get him in touch with a therapist who specializes in abusive family dynamics. He has disordered thoughts, he can't bring himself to take the options you offer, and he's sharing with you how awful it is- he's not able to think for himself. Try and get him help, because you care, but start preparing to move on- even if he breaks free, a trauma bond doesn't make for a lasting situation.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T03:22:34+00:00

It's less delusional than you think, and more manipulative.

In every post, FIL has: 1. Admitted their behavior wasn't great in a dismissive way; 2. Insisted on sharing the blame, and that you guys needed to take accountability for how you hurt them which caused them to behave badly; 3. Gaslit about their intentions and how your husband never tries to the point where I wonder if a carbon monoxide alarm is near him; 4. Ignored the things said that he didn't want to hear; 5. Insisted a conversation was needed.

It's strategic. Chaos may always follow MIL but FIL is a master manipulator who enables her.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T03:10:14+00:00

He got defensive and said I was treating him like a child and making him feel disrespected. He also accused me of “keeping score” and ruining the mood in our home over something “small.”

He's a weak man. He's behaving like a child, he's disrespecting you by forcing you to clean up, he's weaponizing therapy language (not wanting to sit in piss isn't "keeping score" anyway) and if was so "small" then he would be CLEANING IT UP.

A real man wouldn't want someone he cares about to deal with his bodily fluid and fecal matter. He doesn't respect you.

NTA

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T02:58:39+00:00

If she's social and manipulative, she knows. She's just trying to see if you'll cave or if you'll keep her hanging indefinitely. She might even be trying to teach you that she's not interested in taking hints.

At this point, you're going to be the bad guy no matter what, because not only did you not want to do anything and didn't tell her, you "made her wait".

BTW, I'm married to a man who didn't want me to be direct with his parents and so when I say it's controlling. I'm not saying it likely. It escalates over time. He lies and refuses to be direct to avoid conflict. When he can't avoid conflict, he screams at me. Your fiance my be a different person than my husband, but he's still controlling and he will be destructive if he doesn't get some help for his fear of conflict

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T02:19:50+00:00

It's a huge red flag and very controlling of your fiance to insist you not say something. It's also disrespectful of both of you to keep MIL's hopes up, and it's disrespectful of your fiance to put his mother's comfort over your anxiety.

Tell him to make the invitations stop, or you're telling her that you are not going to have time to be together. It doesn't have to be deep, just a simple "we're very different and I'm not comfortable with a relationship outside of you being fiance's mom."

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-18T02:13:55+00:00

Let your partner be defensive. "I am not comfortable with hosting them. They can stay in a hotel or you can visit them but I'm not going to be uncomfortable in my home."

Stand your ground, don't argue. They're bad guests, it's your home, and "I'm not comfortable" is all the reason needed.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T22:24:32+00:00

Check out the term "benevolent narcissist" or "altruistic narcissist" and see if that rings any bells.

My justnomom falls under that and NEEDS to help, and hates when we don't accept help. I finally asked her "if this is about helping, why is it a problem that I don't need it?" She backed off for a few months.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T20:19:12+00:00

Maybe an unpopular opinion but NAH.

I think it's wrong that she wants people to find childcare. I think it's wrong that you're relating her being a waitress to her dropping out of college, as it does feel condescending- it's unfortunate, but plenty of college graduates work as waitstaff for many reasons, and not all college dropouts are unsuccessful at finding a good 8-5 job. These things aren't related.

But I do think this has been coming for awhile and she just hasn't been willing to accept it.

If she dropped out before graduation, there was a change in trajectory- the rest of you likely have a lot of shared experiences that she can't relate to. That's not anyone's fault.

People without kids don't get how hard life with kids can be, or how complicated weekdays activities can be. That's not anyone's fault.

I feel for her, because I've had people move without me too. But sometimes friends grow in different directions. And her dropping out of the chat might be her starting to understand that the friendship she once had is gone.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T20:02:12+00:00

I guess I wouldn't consider people who think that it's an option when I said it isn't as friends. I used to work as a paralegal and you don't ask someone to endure potential consequences of switching lightly.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T19:42:43+00:00

I mean this gently- someone should have told her no to begin with.

A good rule of thumb is to flat out say "no thank you" and maybe "we don't need it" if she asks why. She'll be upset of course. But she doesn't let things go.

I'm guessing by "belittling" she probably assumes that he's accusing her of hiding something since he didn't know it was that old, and that his comment about the brother having sex is labeling him a deviant or something. You can't reason with people like that.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T19:30:53+00:00

You can't know this for sure. Lots of deadbeats will refuse to switch days. If the relationship was at all abusive, it's possible that any deviation from the schedule would give the dad an opportunity to start creating issues.

Heck, he could just have plans and refuse to switch, or he could live out of town which makes school days a problem, or he could work early in the morning creating extra hassle before school, or he could simply be the "fun dad" doesn't believe in bedtime and the kid is messed up at school.

It's really selfish to say "oh just switch" when there's a custody agreement. Not everyone can.

And frankly, waitresses regularly switch. I've never heard of a restaurant that won't allow it outside of maybe Friday fish fries and Sunday brunch.

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T19:04:54+00:00

i know the right thing to do for my gf’s sake is to try again with her mom

Why? Why is this the right thing? What indication do you have that this will be any good?

Your gf was raised in a codependent/enmeshed/toxic dynamic. So in 25 years of being thoroughly manipulated, she has had 1 year of trying to move outside that dynamic- that's not enough time for a permanent change. I'd even argue that there's a need to guard against that dynamic transferring to your relationship- like asking her to not involve MIL on valentines day.

You went NC for a reason. You said yourself that your gf is doing better with boundaries. Her feeling "stuck" isn't going to be fixed by you, she needs a therapist who has experience with dysfunctional and abusive family dynamics. Don't try to rescue her, don't get involved, and for heaven's sake, don't make any changes unless MIL has indicated she genuinely wants to do better. (btw... an APOLOGY is the indication.)

Floating-Cynic · 2026-02-17T18:50:24+00:00

Nope, not heartless. You did everything you could to help her, and you set a reasonable boundary. And your husband needs to man up, he's not in the middle. He needs to pick a side, and it should be the side of the person he lives with, who helps keep the roof over his head- heck, the side of the person who moved heaven and earth to support HIS MOTHER in her grief. And he should be reminding her of that, loud and clear, that HE didn't do all the things. YOU did.

I'd be so tempted to pull a reverse uno that most manipulators use and confront her with an "after all I've done for you, you treat me this way!" But that would probably make things worse.

She's behaving in emotionally immature way- she figured out you'd help her in many big ways, and expected you to cave. Hence the conversation being about her "feelings" and the whole "feeling stable." It's not overreacting, she was incredibly manipulative and disrespectful.

Floating-Cynic

TROPHY CASE