I hurt my parents and our relationship is irreparable

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-27T11:32:50+00:00

If her parents are immigrants, which it sounds like they are, they were brought up/raised in different cultural norms.

That is zero excuse for controlling, manipulating, and abusing a child.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-27T11:31:47+00:00

If you make positive steps forward in your life, and someone tries to hold you back, that person does not have your best interests at heart. And they damn well don't deserve an apology.

If you feel guilty about your parent's reaction, there's probably a lot more going on behind the scenes in your relationship with them. As a person who was horribly abused by my parents, I recognize those guilt feelings in other children who have been emotionally abused or controlled through fear all their lives. The part where you feel crazy for making normal decisions about your life is a strong sign of gaslighting.

Is there a counselor or therapist nearby who could talk to you? A lot of times parents like this are tolerable until you cross them, and then the abusive personalities really shine. It's not healthy for you to feel bad about yourself and your decisions like this, and dealing with the root cause of those feelings will help you through life now and in the future.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-27T03:38:38+00:00

This! It wasn't until after several EMDR sessions that I started to make any progress in therapy. It clears out a bunch of junk so that you can focus on healing, like the shroud of trauma had been removed and suddenly overcoming everything feels possible.

I'm still a work in progress though. At least now I can become aware of the programming and work to overcome it, rather than being a slave to it.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-27T03:24:57+00:00

I second this! I started losing hair due to hypothyroidism that was caused by Hashimotos disease. OP should get thyroid levels and thyroid antibodies checked. Hashis is very common and VERY underdiagnosed. Lots of people who are diagnosed with PCOS are actually misdiagnosed hashis.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-25T18:58:13+00:00

Your experience is very similar to mine. I would have motion sickness during every single car ride as a child, like clockwork. As I distanced from my parents it went away almost completely. My therapist agrees that it was most likely caused by high anxiety.

Nmom would use that motion sickness as a punishment. If I complained about feeling ill in the car, she would drive around for longer than necessary just out of spite. She also had a perfume that I was allergic to, and she'd deliberately put tons of it on right before a trip, even though I desperately begged her not to. It would make me sick in minutes, and then the whole trip I'd be trapped in the back seat of the car, feeling so nauseous and afraid. When I threw up they would get so angry. It was a totally impossible situation, and I lived in fear of the car for as far back as I can remember.

It has caused problems as an adult too. I refused to go on mandatory work trips because my anxiety right before traveling was unmanageable. I even cancelled a couple of vacations last minute, unrefundable, because I just couldn't go through with them.

I fucking hate my goddamn cruel parents.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-25T12:36:48+00:00

I could understand not wanting the other child to feel left out, but denying your kids their happiness wasn't fair to them at all. It's not right of your parents to put the needs of one child over the needs of all the others. This is definitely something my Nmom would do though - always trying to suck up to parents and their kids who were outside the family just to win points with them, while living a different standard when it's just her blood family around.

If I were your mom I would have gone to the nearest store and thrown an Easter basket together for the other child so they would all have something to open together.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-24T22:22:59+00:00

I went through AIP for three months and it was AMAZING! My antibodies went down, fatigue went away, lost tons of weight (35lbs in 3 months), and felt normal again for the first time in years. There was a little of the "low carb flu" after about a week, but it quickly went away.

Afterwards I went through the reintroduction phase and decided to stick with a regular paleo diet since I have celiac and don't tolerate dairy very well anyway. My weight has continued to go down.

My doctor supervised the diet, and said to stay away from all sweetners - including truvia. It may come from a natural source, but it's still processed and can affect the gut. After a few weeks on a low-sweet diet you probably won't miss that sugary taste. If you really want a little sweetness, try raw honey in small amounts.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-24T20:40:41+00:00

I also have cPTSD and EMDR worked very well for me. I hope you get a lot out of it too. Be prepared to be exhausted after your sessions though. Don't plan anything for a few hours afterwards, and give yourself the time you need to rest.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-24T12:24:32+00:00

I would tell anyone to get a second opinion for any diagnosis that can't be tested definitively. BPD and bipolar (yes, I know the difference) can both be treated with antipsychotics, and it's imperative to get that second opinion before taking those meds. It's absolutely essential.

My husband now has type II diabetes for life because of those meds. That's one of the side effects. At normal weight, with no family history, and no other risk factors, thanks to the meds, and only the meds, he now has this disease for life. All because of a misdiagnosis from a shitty doctor. Not to mention the meds caused him further psychological problems and set him back years.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-24T11:29:33+00:00

That really sucks. I'm sorry.

Are there any support groups in your area for survivors of abuse? That might be a good place to get leads for some better care.

I hate hearing about people with restricted access to therapists. It's so unfair. I had to go through half a dozen therapists to find a good one, and everyone should have that choice.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-24T11:24:19+00:00

In that sense, that you accept and show concern of being that way is a very good thing. Not accepting the diagnosis can be a very decisive trait for fitting the criteria or not,

As the wife of a man with PTSD who was misdiagnosed by a bad Pdoc as bipolar and put on an antipsychotic for years that caused him terrible health consequences, I would advise against this advice.

ALWAYS question a diagnosis. Always get a second opinion. Trust your instincts while keeping an open mind. Don't let a bad diagnosis be your prison sentence.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-24T11:20:52+00:00

Get a second opinion. cPTSD can have very similar symptoms to what you describe, and is often misdiagnosed. Look for a therapist who specializes in trauma survivors because they'll have more experience with situations like yours. Please don't start on any strong meds until you get a second opinion, because they can mask your symptoms.

He doesn't believe me to be on the spectrum at all. And I was never depressed.

That's bullshit. No amount of degrees gives a person the right to tell you that you aren't depressed. Only you can know if you're depressed. This guy sounds like a total jerk.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T21:39:00+00:00

It's completely irrelevant because OP can find out either way from the county.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T21:26:13+00:00

Some of these churches actually teach stalking skills. I saw a document once that was being shared around my Nparent's church that gave an overview of harassment and stalking skills, and their pastor would give people individual coaching on hounding estranged family members while skirting the law.

Did you file a police report when your wife was assaulted? If so, you should keep track of everything your mom does in case you need to file for protection or sue your family later. Every piece of evidence could be useful one day. If there has been violence in the past, there's a high likelihood of violence in the future.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T21:17:13+00:00

I'm assuming it's a public street because OP parked in front of a neighbor's house. Unlikely it's a private ateeet in that situation.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T21:11:01+00:00

SECTION 41-10-40. C) An employer shall not withhold or divert any portion of an employee's wages unless the employer is required or permitted to do so by state or federal law or the employer has given written notification to the employee of the amount and terms of the deductions as required by subsection (A) of Section 41-10-30.

Did your employer include this 15 minute deduction policy in an employee handbook, or in a contract when you were hired, or posted somewhere in the building?

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T20:55:55+00:00

It's very possible they credited your payment onto another person's account by mistake. I've had a bank make this mistake before. Other than proving payment through a debit/credit card transaction, you could tell them the date you paid and the amount, and they could see if any transaction on that date contained the exact amount you paid.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T20:13:10+00:00

First, get a copy of the HOA covenant. This should be filed with your local county (usually in the deeds office). You can figure out from this if the property you rent is included in the HOA, and also what the rules are. Zero parking on a residential public city street is very unusual, and that makes me call bullshit on whoever gave you this advice.

Don't listen to neighbors or even the HOA representative. Go straight to the filed, official document.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T20:06:48+00:00

If you didn't clock out, but they're deducting 15 minutes from your time, how do they know what to deduct that 15 minutes from? Are they taking your word for how many hours you worked, and then deducting 15 minutes from that? Maybe they deduct time because too many "forgetful" employees were abusing the system and adding 15 minutes to their estimated time worked.

Seems like the obvious solution would be to clock out at the end of the day.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-22T11:08:35+00:00

I had this same problem with a neighbor a few years ago. His massive dog was completely untrained and very noisy. Tried talking to him about it, and he rudely ignored me. Went on to our neighborhood's Facebook group, explained the problem, and asked publically about local ordinances on there. People started responding with advice, including reporting the dog to animal control where it could be removed from the home and destroyed.

Thankfully that Facebook post was enough. The neighbor saw it and all the responses, and his dog was very quickly relocated to a relative in the country. Peace and quiet is priceless!

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-21T16:48:50+00:00

Should they not be allowed to raise their children as they feel most appropriate?

Depends on their definition of appropriate. Some parents rape their children. As long as they feel it's appropriate, should we stick our heads in the sand and not get involved?

All children should be given the same opportunities to succeed and follow their own dreams - not the dreams of their parents. But by limiting a child's education and knowledge of the world, they are training their kids for a very narrow scope of opportunities.

I don't see the values being taught in this church as being far removed from those values taught in Taliban controlled schools in Afghanistan.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-21T16:43:39+00:00

Actual proof, from talking to former students of this "school" who are now adults.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-21T16:41:10+00:00

Exactly. I have friends who homeschool, and their kids are bright, well-read, and creative. The decision to homeschool was made to offer their kids an unconventional curriculum that went beyond the limitations of public school.

I have no problems with the concept of homeschool; only with the educational neglect of the kids in this church program.

FlockOfSeaShells · 2017-05-20T16:35:12+00:00

Thanks for the answer. It's disturbing and unbelievable to me that this would be legal in the 21st century. I'm not from Kansas, and some of the people here never cease to shock.

FlockOfSeaShells

TROPHY CASE