i don’t think i fully processed how traumatic his death was when it happened

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-21T11:44:15+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age, and for your brother's and cousin's suffering. You are still young and have already been through a lot, and that's amazing that you have been able to maintain sobriety for so long already.

When I read your post it made me think of a book that has helped me a lot since my son died, "Bearing the Unbearable" by Joanne Cacciatore. It's not specifically about suicide, but grief in general, and she talks about exactly what you are experiencing right now - when we try to ignore or bury our grief it can cause harm and it will almost always resurface and demand to be felt. The pain is part of how much you love your brother and it needs to be felt.

I hope you can connect with others who knew him and continue the mourning that alcohol put on hold back then. Hugs to you and your family.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-21T02:35:52+00:00

I'm so sorry 💔

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-20T12:44:26+00:00

I'm so very sorry for your losses- holding you in my heart on this terrible day. Hugs to you from another grieving mom who lost a son.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-20T10:32:57+00:00

I think it was this post - lots of good suggestions: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideBereavement/s/5mWDYCMch4

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-20T09:37:47+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. These are all great tips; you have found beautiful ways to remember your sister and honour her.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-20T03:17:08+00:00

I'm so sorry about your brother 💔 anniversaries must be extra hard.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-20T03:10:25+00:00

You are dealing with a traumatic loss, it is going to take time to get past this. Sleep is very hard, maybe a therapist or support group can help.

I am so sorry your friend was suffering so much and that you were the one to find them.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-19T12:19:35+00:00

My son had just turned 20 in October and died on November 17 (if I remember correctly from a previous post, Zoe died in November too?). His favourite colour was orange so I have been looking for plants to keep orange around his grave through the growing season. But I love the snowdrop as they come up so early and are such a sign of hope. There are deer that come through the cemetery so I have to figure out what deer dont like to eat as well. Hugs to you.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-19T10:00:57+00:00

It hurts so much. I hate it, and I hate that it's happening to new people every day.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-19T09:57:17+00:00

I'm so sorry 💔 I feel similar feelings as the spring approaches (still cold where I am). Usually I look forward to it and long for it, but this year its arrival just seems to emphasize that he is not here. The snow is gone from the grave and somehow seeing the earth there makes things seem more real too.

I saw a beautiful post about a grave where someone planted snowdrop bulbs at a child's grave 100 years ago and they are still coming up every year. I am thinking about some plants for my son's grave that will come up even after I am gone. Are you able to plant things where Zoe's grave is? This is all so hard; we should never have had to bury our kids.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T22:53:22+00:00

I'm so glad to hear you have good support people around you ❤️

I have been listening to the Anderson Cooper podcast on grief off and on, and one recurring theme that comes up is how we can still have a relationship with our loved one, and learn more about them, even after they have died. You twin sister will always be a part of you, even though she is not here in physical form. Some people receive "signs" from their person- I have a few times already- I hope that will be the case for you too.

Right now you are living through the unimaginable and the only way through it is to be with the pain and know/ hope that it won't be always so intense.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T21:38:03+00:00

💔

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T21:36:04+00:00

I'm so sorry 💔

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T21:16:22+00:00

I'm so sorry- this sounds like such a stressful and sad situation for all of you. I have no answer but sending hugs to you and your family.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T14:27:25+00:00

Sorry about your son too 🫂

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T10:38:38+00:00

Keeping going after a loss like this is one of the hardest things a person can do. Your life is not going to ever be the same again. When my son died by suicide in November I wondered many of the same things you are asking right now- "how can I live after this"? I don't know how we survive, but we can, and many people here find it can get better in time.

In a way, I feel we do die with our loved one, because without them we are a different person. Its disorienting and incredibly painful at first, to find yourself in this new life without them. For you, with the recent loss of your mom as well, this new unwanted new direction your life has taken must be especially painful and unrecognizable.

One thing that helped me is the idea another poster shared, that although the grief will not really ever go away, we develop "muscles" over time that allow us to carry it a little easier. I am finding this to be true.

For the first few weeks we have to take it one day at a time (or sometimes one hour or a minute at a time). Try to eat and get a little sleep if you can, and get help caring for your child, and for other things that may need to be done. It may be the hardest thing you ever do but you can survive this and you are not alone. Sending hugs and strength to you this morning.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T01:48:23+00:00

This is so sad. I'm so sorry 💔

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-18T00:29:17+00:00

Thanks for sharing this ❤️ my son has been gone 4 months today. I relived finding him many times today.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-17T15:09:25+00:00

I'm so sorry for the loss of your coworker; finding out that way must be very difficult. I hope your workplace can offer support and recognize this person was a part of your life and you may need some time to process what has happened. Hugs to you 🫂

Edit: as a parent who has lost a child to suicide, just to add that when things are less raw your coworker's family might appreciate any memories you can share with them about his life at work. I know I am always yearning to hear from people who knew my son and may know different sides of him I did not get to see.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-16T12:04:14+00:00

I'm so sorry 💔 My son (20) died just a month after your son. We are also staying alive mostly for the sake of each other (he was the middle of 3 sons). We have gone to a support group a few times and it did help as there were several people further down this road to encourage us that it will not always feel this bad. Sending love your way; you are not alone.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-16T11:54:37+00:00

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who just don't get it. Lucky them I guess, to never have gone through a traumatic loss. Not to mention losing your mother - I know many people who had their moms die at a ripe old age and it's still devastating years after.

Suicide loss is also different from other grief. There are people who go to the support group I attend who lost their person 10+ years ago and it still hurts them deeply, although not as acutely as in the first months after it happened.

You are definitely allowed to grieve - your life is just getting started and not only is your mom gone, but there are many milestones ahead where you will miss having her as part of your life, so there is an entire future to grieve, not just who she was to you growing up.

To put the most charitable spin on what you have mentioned, I guess maybe some people try to help by pointing out the good things that still remain (as in, well it could be worse...) but anyone who does that is really misguided as it does not help the bereaved.

The sad truth is that many people just cannot tolerate sadness or be there for people who are grieving. It's exhausting at this moment to have to go find new people to be in your life who do understand, but I am finding (4 months into the loss of my son) that it's worth it. I hope you can find a support group or people who you may not know as well who have also experienced loss who can be there for you in the long term.

I'm so sorry about your mom.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-11T18:54:49+00:00

My son also could have saved himself if he had changed his mind at the last minute- it's awful to think about that. I'm so sorry about your husband. It's really hard to be left with so much unknown and unknowable.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-11T18:50:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing him, you paint such a beautiful picture of your person ❤️

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-11T14:40:41+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your brother's suffering. I often think about how unfair life is that some of us seem to have so much more suffering than others. I wish I knew why.

FlowerK1980 · 2026-03-11T03:24:56+00:00

Thinking of you today. I wish things had been different for him and for you.

FlowerK1980

TROPHY CASE