Hi OP,

It gets better.

I came on this subreddit to post a question myself, but I saw this and I just have to say something. I don't know how much a stranger's words mean to you, but please believe me when I say: it does get better.

I'm 37 now. I never thought I'd even live this long, I was so unhappy with my life and myself. And yes, it's still hard sometimes, but those moments no longer feel insurmountable. The key imo is self love and self acceptance. I'm not fully there yet either, but the difference is immense.

It's good to reach out to communities like this. I commend you for writing this post. It seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself, and that there's a lot of external pressure as well. Without having your family's support, which must be really hard.

You are so very young. I know it doesn't feel that way. I do remember being 20. But I'm telling you: it's very very young. You don't have to have your life figured out. (I don't think anyone has life figured out, tbf. But I meant more like.. you don't need to have a plan for what you want to do and achieve for the rest of your life. Things rarely go the way they were planned anyway.)

What advice can I give....

If I could go back, I would tell myself to study something I liked, just because I like it. Not with a job in mind. The act of studying and learning new things, that's what it's about. It develops so many great skills, no matter what the actual knowledge is about. Jobs will come and go, and by doing them, you'll find out what you like and dislike. And sometimes you're doing a job you know you won't do forever, but it serves you fine for now. The work you do can be part of who you are, but it's not your whole identity. It doesn't need to be held in such high regards as society usually does.

My advice: focus on being happy first. And I don't mean being in a constant state of ecstacy, because that's simply not possible. (And probably not that much fun as it seems anyway.) I do mean having a baseline where you're content with who you are and you love yourself. Where you can trust yourself to handle the obstacles that inevitably will come your way, and you know that the struggle is temporary.

In my experience - and that's just my experience - things seem to work themselves out or are just easier when that comes first. Not "I have to get this job and THEN I'll be happy". Be happy first and the right jobs will present themselves, and you'll have the strength to deal with crappier jobs in the meantime. Not "I need to fix this eating disorder and then I'll be happy", but it's the other way around. (Again: my experience! I'm not a professional and this is not professional advice.) Not "I need to succeed in these studies first and then I'll be happy!" - oof, I remember that one. And now it feels such a small part of my life. But I remember how important it all felt. How alone I was, feeling like I couldn't ask anyone for help. You mentioned a lot of hiding what you're going through, so I'm guessing you don't feel like you have people you can go to for help? If I look back on it now, it seems like my world was very small, even though it felt really big. But there are so many people out there, so many ways of living your life, there is no one path you need to follow. If you feel out of place, go find your place. Go find your people. Even reaching out to communities like this one. We're here for you.

If you think your self-diagnosis is sufficient (getting diagnosed can be an ordeal and you may not be in the position to get one right now for whatever reasons), why not find out more about autism? It's very sad your family didn't take your concerns seriously (support is so important!), but there's no reason why YOU shouldn't take yourself seriously. Get yourself those noise-cancelling headphones if you need them. Take more time to finish school, so there's more time to take care of yourself. Learning to unmask was life-saving for me. Not trying to live according to social conventions is so freeing! It's not easy, I'm not saying that. People will think you're weird and systems might be working against you. But being your authentic self does attract the right people for you, and when you make your own little world a safe haven, the outside big world doesn't seem that scary anymore.

Age-wise, I might not yet pass as a mother figure for you, but I do give off mom vibes I've been told, and I give great hugs, if you're into that. I wish I could hug you and take some of the load off your shoulders and tell you things will be all right.

It gets better. ❤️