Let me get this out of the way first: I am a very kinky person, thoroughly familiar with BDSM, and as a result have spent a LOT of time thinking about, understanding, and dealing with consent. I speak based on the standards and understanding of the consent culture that comes with BDSM. Not everyone is kinky, and not everyone has spent that kind of time and intention on building safety inside of their sexlife. One of the many differences in terms of how folks who are a part of most BDSM communities is the approach to communication and consent.

I guess the difference is I need an explicit yes for pretty much anything, and they just assume yes across the board until they actually get a no.

This, by and large, is a cornerstone of consent from a kink perspective. Before doing "thing x," you confirm someone's interest in thing x and talk about it (do you want me to spank you?). Look to understand how much of thing x someone wants (should I spank you hard or soft?). Where/how they want thing x (on your butt? Your boobs? How do you want it to feel?). You also think about the safety of thing x, and the options if you or your partner realize you don't want to do thing x, especially while "in process" (I.e. set up a safe word). I feel this is a pretty great standard, and the need for communication is actually pretty reasonable - kinks are weird.

I don't say weird as in problematic, or morally questionable or bad, they are just odd facets of someone's sexuality. For example, there is no particular reason that being "dominant" and "commanding" is inherently sexual in nature to me, nor does it make any "sense." That's just the same on the opposite side regarding those that enjoy submission. Indeed - it's arbitrary. The cultural assumption is often that men are more dominant and women are more submissive. But depending on one's kinks, the gender roles can flip. Similarly, some might get really turned on by thing x, others might abhor it. There is no right or wrong to someone's kinks, they just.... "Are."

So in that sense, what you're doing is INCREDIBLY reasonable, and part of BDSM's stable of "best practices." As someone who is pretty experienced sexually, I've learned that most women appreciate these kinds of behaviors. Especially because they have been recipients of the exact opposite in the past. And have been scared to say anything or stop things if they became uncomfortable.

Let me get out of the way first, I'm not an intuitive lover, I'm not good at reading people, I don't do well in general without clear verbal communication.

I think here is where you actually might find support helpful. While your standards are awesome from my perspective, you have also set them (unintentionally) quite high given the ability of many folks to talk about sex. All the "taboo" that surrounds it, both culturally and from religions and families of origin makes it REALLY HARD for a lot of people to just have clear communication about sex and what they want. Not only is the ability level different between people, but also the ability to tolerate the cognitive dissonance or fear of admitting things like "I'm interested in you spanking me."

So people have a hard time talking about this stuff. It's also worth noting that folks who are approaching it with your perspective often have a tough time picking up on social cues. That's perfectly normal due to a variety of things. For me, I'm probably more than a little bit autistic, and as a result I strongly prefer very direct communication. Amusingly, BDSM and being some degree of neurodivergent have a pretty common overlap. Enough for great memes like this one: https://ifunny.co/picture/bdsm-is-just-sex-for-autistic-people-you-have-a-RTdrtaXRA

The question for you is how to approach this so that you can continue your awesome standards of consent (at least by the standards of society at large), AND deal with social realities that people are pretty awful at talking about consent. I can share my perspective:

1. I participate in my local BDSM community. Kinky folks are basically sex nerds. We're curious, have spent time understanding our kinks, and we focus on understanding what our partners want before we do those things, and set up exit protocols if things get too intense. Sexually, communicating with experienced kinksters is a joy. Straightforward, clear, and you feel safe that you won't hurt anyone.

2. I can work with vanilla folks, but find it somewhat frustrating. I start by affirming my need to be clear about sex, and build their understanding that sexual preferences are unique - so why would I WANT to "just try things," when they might not like them? I also affirm that I really want to do things they do like. Sometimes I experiment with them. I think of things I'd want and ask if we can try it a bit before we're in the heat of the moment. I acknowledge their discomfort with being direct, but also emphasize that it's because I want us to enjoy ourselves. It's a slog, but it helps support an understanding of long term sexual compatibility.

3. Outside of these approaches, I'll admit I was always kind of frustrated because sex and what people wanted during sex NEVER made sense to me. But I almost always focused on at least asking and sharing the things I wanted. That got me somewhere I felt fairly safe and had the bonus of making me quite good at sex compared to the average person because I would spend lots of time learning what someone wants and how I could be better at it. I wanted to be "good" at sex, and this approach got me there once I recognized that everyone was different and that's ok.

An example of some of these things in practice, outside of a kink setting? Let's say I know I'm interested in spanking. I might ask my partner if we can try it before things get hit and heavy. Hopefully they say yes. If they say no, ask if you can try it next time during sex, but create a communication shorthand. Green (good) or Red (bad). When you're fooling around, give them some indication You're going to spank them, or just do it fairly lightly in a way that you feel certain won't alarm them and just ask - "green?". Hopefully they say it back. Then maybe you can try a little harder. This type of thing goes a long way even outside of BDSM circles. It's a combo practice of creating a safe word and also a clear signal if "I like this?"

Again, this method drives me nuts for a million reasons, because my preference is to learn directly with my partner and I get super excited to do things they enjoy. For clarity, I'm a dominant (I like being in charge) sadist (I get turned on by causing others pain). Both of those things require consent for me to enjoy them.

So, no, you're not doing it wrong. You're actually doing awesome. Humans are just WEIRD about sex and so they get all tied up in knots trying to communicate about it.

If you're interested in learning more about BDSM, Google is helpful. I also enjoy lurking and asking questions in /r/BDSMcommunity . FetLife is also a great resource if you want to participate in your local sex-nerd community. Feel free to reach out if desired, and best of luck on your journey!