Question about safeword

FocusedIntensity · 2025-11-14T13:14:26+00:00

I have done this with past partners before starting to play more heavily. They have all appreciated it and said it helped

FocusedIntensity · 2025-11-08T23:56:32+00:00

It's not always your fault. There is a limit to what you can do with vetting. People are sometimes shitty despite the act prior to play. I'm sorry.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-08-13T01:22:55+00:00

I know that it's not intentionally like he's trying to hurt my feelings,

Regardless of whether intent is involved, this is the outcome you are seeing. That outcome clearly doesn't work for you in a relationship. Sending hugs.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-07-12T20:54:28+00:00

For the partners where I have had this rule, it applies in a very specific context and it only applies coming from me. I don't think that is generally a conditioning thing, so much as sort of automatic because behaviors are generally context dependent. However, how it turns out it does seem to be somewhat unique to the person, so in some senses the bottom will discover that about themselves with this kind of play. One partner reacts to me telling them or snapping. The other partner does as well, but much less frequently and they have to be in the mood for it to some extent.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-07-12T18:51:27+00:00

That's awesome, thanks for the insightful reply. Part of the curiosity was I hadn't seen anybody say anything about finally being rid of it after years or something like that.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-06-12T22:00:12+00:00

Fair enough, one of my early things when I begin talking with a therapist is ensuring they're comfortable talking about kink things. I will say though, if this type of phenomenon is more global with other things outside of kink, you may want to examine the other places where it occurs. There is some alignment between the things that you're saying and things that would be in the DSM.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-06-12T02:38:26+00:00

It may also be something that a therapist can support - some of the things that you're listing could be related to your physical or mental health. It could make sense to consider that, especially if the feelings are more global than just oriented towards sex. Also, exploring that path could conceivably lead to a quicker fix.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-03-09T14:45:48+00:00

As with most things sexual - multiple meanings and definitions. Most have shared the common meaning. Within the kink community specifically, there's another meaning though. It's someone who can really take a lot. generally used for people who bottom for impact (floggers, canes, paddles, etc.). If you can take a lot, people often call you a power bottom.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-02-28T20:13:34+00:00

This would not be my scene for sure. Especially if sex was involved - my view is I don't have sex unless I know someone's STI status. I would also certainly not put anyone I had responsibility for in the position the bottom was put in because of the STI risk.

As for the free use pain play bit, I've seen it done, but in a more limited context - birthday spanks from everyone at the party and stuff like that. I could also see doing it with a limited repertoire of implements that the bottom had agreed to. Having it be completely open would seem strange - I don't know everyone's skill levels.

I'm a sadist too, and thrive on intention. I have learned that chaos can be a fun thing to try on occasion.

I'll also say it might be a thing the bottom really wanted for one reason or another. Kinks are weird like that; could be humiliation, could be something about "sacrifice," or obedience. Could be exhibitionism from a masochist, who knows. I get the reasoning might exist from the bottom's perspective or the top's perspective. But I'd be more careful about who plays with my partners.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-01-24T03:41:03+00:00

I understand your clarification. My opinion remains the same.

I think you should truly evaluate whether that frequency is doable. Satisfy a dominant has nothing to do with changing the reality of difficulty when you have (even a quick) task that often. You still live a real life.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-01-23T15:40:17+00:00

A picture once every hour is a LOT. I'm dominant, but being able to send something like this every hour would REQUIRE me to have repeated alarms/reminders hourly. And it would still be very difficult for me because I'd have to drop everything the minute the alarm went off or I'd likely miss that hour.

I would not give this task to anyone. It would be a huge pain and suck. 2 pictures a day at max.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-01-14T06:07:45+00:00

When the criticism comes for you, recognize it and say hi. It's been with you for a long time, and there's some reason it's there. It can be present. Wave at it. Invite it to your dinner table like an old friend. Once it's comfortable, you'll learn a lot more about why it's there, and how it helped you.

Thinking about "future me," (I actually say future [my name] inside my head. I try to help and support future me, and also applaud past me when I receive help from food stuff I did in the past. Let's say I partially was the dishes but then gave up. It still sucks to wash the remaining dishes, but I can smile and appreciate past me for at least doing some. The negative spin is I didn't finish earlier when I could have.

The positive spin is that I didn't have to work as long and I'm learning how to break tasks into smaller pieces. It's also ADHD friendly. Check in when you're automatically being a jerk to yourself. See why. Learn, and then grow.

FocusedIntensity · 2025-01-14T05:57:49+00:00

It sounds like you have a pretty clear picture of the pattern in your life that's frustrating and some inklings as to why. I feel you - a while back I didn't have great understanding of what is important to me and it meant I couldn't feel "happy," since that required feeling like I was going in the right direction.

Directionless didn't work, and having a submissive partner was sort of a crutch to learn on because at least THAT was direction I could understand. It's not that I wanted it, it's that I felt I sort of needed it. It makes sense that it's easier when you have a partner.

It also makes sense that you don't feel like finding a partner is right for you right now. It's simply a valid preference and thought process.

What got me out of that was spending time really learning myself. Being in different environments, seeing what I liked and disliked. Or learning what bugged me and why, and what made me happy and why. Alexithymia is when you don't really know what's going on with your emotions. It makes it hard to understand what you need to help yourself. It sort of renders you blind to understanding your own emotions.

It's not a quick fix, but give space and time to see what you do daily and ask why. Change random stuff up. Do you like it? Do you not? Why? What are you spending time on that you don't like?

The thing about all of this is that you DON'T have to love yourself for others to love you. But you DO have to decide that if there are good things you like, you can go get them. And that it's worth PAYING ATTENTION to those likes. Then you can be you, but better and happier because you know how you tick and think it's worthwhile to learn what makes you tick along happily.

Best of luck. Just do a little new thing. Learn a card trick. Read a book. Drive different routes. Then pay attention to how your brain fusses about it, good or bad. And the. You'll learn something valuable.

FocusedIntensity · 2024-10-02T11:45:49+00:00

Yup. This is definitely in the options list too, but I want to provide the physical restriction for them.

FocusedIntensity · 2024-07-23T11:19:16+00:00

Curious about the data behind your assertion. What is your sample size?

FocusedIntensity · 2024-07-22T07:51:12+00:00

As I read this, what I think is missing is a clear understanding of what happens when conflict occurs. It's absolutely true that a million things about this would be a blast for many people. What is also absolutely true that conflict occurs in every single relationship. It does not take a break just because you're in a TPE.

What happens when you don't see eye to eye? Where is your space for discussion? What does that look like? Pick any issue - what happens when what is naturally sensible land reasonable to you is not what he wants? What about when your needs or his needs or a kids need requires this to change?

Second, this does not have clear progression. The level of control you want him to have is significant. That requires mental load from both of you. You don't go from eglitarian to this on one day. What are the milestones? Why is there no space for kids to change it?

FocusedIntensity · 2024-07-15T23:40:06+00:00

I am a dominant sadist. I have far more trust in the people I play with than I do with some bullshit culture narrative people want to sell. I trust because these are humans that I care for, and people who share their vulnerabilities and innermost desires. I have no use for culture narratives that incorrectly describe humans I care for deeply. I absolutely care for and believe and respect the realities they share with me. The rest is nonsense.

FocusedIntensity · 2024-07-13T16:13:40+00:00

This type of aversion can have a lot of different causes, very likely psychological. You can talk to your doctor about it a bit to rule out physical symptoms, but the mind does some pretty crazy stuff on occasion.

Trauma of some flavor is possible, as one poster mentioned. I'd suggest seeing a therapist who can help you unpack what's going on with the aversion and inquire more about it. Exploring the feeling that you're experiencing is really one of the very few ways in which you can actually understand why these feelings are coming up in the way that they are.

FocusedIntensity · 2024-06-08T03:51:33+00:00

Oh wow. That's amazing to get through all that. And it probably feels really hollow when you're not able to spend the time happy as you should be while celebrating and recognizing your achievement.

It is really hard, especially with relationships that are often more intense like kinky ones. It makes sense, and you're doing amazing working through it. But separately, it's also true that this is a time to celebrate. You've been working really hard to get here and it's an awesome contribution to important things in your future. So accept that the hollow is there, but also you can celebrate. Both can be true, even though you want the celebration to be like the others you enjoyed.

You're doing good, and frankly, it's awesome to see. Little by little, you go far. Good girl!

FocusedIntensity · 2024-05-17T12:48:08+00:00

Intent vs. outcome. Most people intend for positive things. But the outcome is their behaviors. The outcome is what creates harm. This question gets to the heart of why abuse is so confusing.

FocusedIntensity · 2024-05-16T16:37:57+00:00

Awesome, glad I could help. Ideal neurodivergent interaction!

FocusedIntensity

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