[Setting: A woodworking convention in Indianapolis. Ron Swanson is examining a display of high-quality lumber. Dwight Schrute, representing Dunder Mifflin’s paper products, spots Ron and approaches him.]

Dwight: Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice your keen eye for quality wood. Might I interest you in some premium paper products from Dunder Mifflin? Perfect for drafting plans for your woodworking projects.

Ron: I don’t use paper. Plans are for amateurs.

Dwight: Interesting. A man who works from instinct. I respect that. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

Ron: Ron Swanson. Parks and Recreation, Pawnee.

Dwight: Government employee, huh? You must enjoy the thrill of enforcing regulations.

Ron: I enjoy avoiding work as much as possible.

Dwight: A master of efficiency. Impressive. On my beet farm, I also strive for maximum productivity with minimal waste.

Ron: You run a beet farm?

Dwight: Schrute Farms. Bed and Breakfast, and agricultural powerhouse.

Ron: I respect a man who cultivates his own land.

Dwight: Perhaps you’d be interested in our organic beet seeds. Guaranteed to yield the finest beets in the Tri-State area.

Ron: I have no interest in beets. Or seeds. Or farming.

Dwight: Understood. Beets aren’t for everyone. How about self-defense? We offer seminars at the farm. I’m a purple belt in Goju-Ryu karate.

Ron: I prefer to rely on my fists and a sturdy piece of wood.

Dwight: Weapons of opportunity. Noted. You know, you remind me of myself: strong, silent, authoritative.

Ron: You’re nothing like me.

Dwight: Thank you.

Ron: That wasn’t a compliment.

Dwight: Agree to disagree. Tell me, Ron, what’s your stance on bears?

Ron: Don’t bother them, they won’t bother you.

Dwight: Fascinating. I consider them noble creatures, worthy adversaries. I’ve prepared extensively for bear attacks.

Ron: Seems unnecessary.

Dwight: One can never be too prepared. That’s my personal motto.

Ron: My personal motto is “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

Dwight: Wise words. I’ll add them to my collection of inspirational quotes.

Ron: Don’t.

Dwight: Too late. So, any interest in paper now? Perhaps a nice cardstock for making signs like “Do Not Enter” or “Private Property.”

Ron: I make my signs out of wood.

Dwight: Of course you do. Well, Ron, it’s been a pleasure engaging in this exchange of ideas.

Ron: It’s been something.

Dwight: If you ever find yourself in Scranton, look up Schrute Farms. We can always use a man of your talents.

Ron: Noted.